Advice

When I was a child in school, I don’t recall having very many people I’d call “acquaintances.” There were friends, people I liked. There were people I didn’t like. And there were people I didn’t know. The kids in class who didn’t fall into the friend or enemy category were people I didn’t know well - and for all intents and purposes, that was pretty much the same as not knowing them at all. We wouldn’t stop in the hall and exchange pleasantries if we saw each other. And, perhaps more interestingly, what little they did know of me, observed from class, was genuine.

Now, as an adult, I have many acquaintances. These are people I would stop and speak to in the grocery store, and I would probably vaguely ask how they are doing - because I know very few specifics about their lives. We might chat about whatever season it is, or maybe something related to whatever organization we know each other through. I don’t actually feel like they know the “real me,” however, and I don’t know the “real them,” and that’s why I don’t consider them friends.

It seems the older we become, the easier it is to slip into surface relationships and small talk. When you train yourself to use the same light conversation, day after day, regardless of who you meet, revealing the authentic side of yourself to a new person can be difficult. How can you break free of the confines of small talk, and really get to know a potential match?

Well, first it’s important to remember to start small. A first-contact email is not the place to pour out your heart and soul. If, however, your potential match responds and seems interested, you might want to consider leaving talk of the weather behind.

So what do you do? The best way way to really open up, be yourself and forge a friendship is to take an interest in the person you’re talking to. When you’re worrying about how people see you, you’re self-conscious and self-focused. Instead, remember that conversations happen between two equally interesting and important people. Ask questions, and listen to the answers. Chances are, the conversation will progress naturally, and you’ll answer a few questions of your own - honestly.

It’s strange - children in grade school don’t need to be “taught” these tips about making friends. They form fast friendships, seemingly instinctively. Brushing up on schoolyard rules can remind us what friendship is really about - and most enduring romantic relationships contain a strong friendship as well. So when you next meet a potential match for the first time, think about the other person - and wind up presenting a self free of surface talk.

Although some of the traditional do's and don'ts of relationships are still in play, the rules of the dating game have changed drastically in recent years. Match.com examined over 5,000 Americans looking for love online, in a study called "Everything You Think You Know About Singles is Wrong," and found that singles in 2011 look very different from the singles of yore.

So what's changed?

• Rejection is a whole lot easier. Who hasn't struggled to find the right way to explain to a date that you're no longer interested in seeing them? It's an awkward situation that many young singles in America are now likely to avoid altogether. Rather than explicitly rejecting a suitor, Match.com found that 1 in 4 women between the ages of 21 and 34 are evasive about their availability, or will simply ignore a date's calls, text messages, and emails. Women over 35, however, are still slightly more inclined to politely express their disinterest.
• Women are taking charge of their own dating destinies. Gone are the days of ladies waiting anxiously by the phone for a second date - over half of women now initiate communication on their own, instead of waiting for men to call after a date.
• The written word is more important than ever, but not in the form of love poems. Approximately one third of men and women use text messaging to get in touch after a successful first date. Unsurprisingly, almost 60% are young, between 21 and 34.
• Facebook reigns supreme. 26% of singles aged 21-35 believe it's acceptable to add a date as a Facebook friend after 2-3 dates, and 1 out of 6 people in the same age range think it's ok to add a date before the first date actually takes place.
• Getting to first base has never been easier. More than half of men polled reported that making out is appropriate sexual activity on a first date, though only 1 in 4 women agreed. Over all, over 45% of people aged 21-44 considered making out on a first date to be completely acceptable behavior.
• On the other hand, getting farther than first base might be harder than you think. About 25% of women said that they would prefer to wait for an exclusive relationship before having sex with a new partner, and 32% of men said that they would be happy to wait until the other person felt ready.
• In a world in which it seems like practically everything is available in the blink of an eye, over half of singles report knowing if there's no chemistry with a date within the first 15 minutes. 3% even claimed that they could tell within 10 seconds!

Of course there's more where that came from...we'll look at a few of the myths Match busted in the next post!

For more information on the dating site which conducted this survey, you can read our review of Match.com.

When we left off, Christian Rudder and the OkCupid research team were tackling a unique question: What if there weren't so many white people?

The online dating world - and, in fact, the Internet at large - is dominated by white users, who make up the largest percentage of both OkCupid members (74%) and message recipients on the site (89%). After gathering and analyzing data based on 82 million messages sent on OkCupid, the researchers rearranged their findings to create an artificial environment in which the online dating world was not dominated by white members. The numbers of average monthly messages received, per person, changed across the board:

• For white members the number decreased, though not significantly.
• For Latinos, the number increased and surpassed the number for whites.
• For Asians the number skyrocketed, placing them ahead of all other ethnic groups when it came to the number of messages received per month.
• For black members the number also increased, though not quite enough to overtake the users of other ethnic backgrounds.

Age played a role, but a relatively minor one. Asians proved to be the most popular users regardless of the age of the message senders, receiving at least 30% - but often more - of the messages on OkCupid. Latinos also maintained a consistent level of popularity, hovering around 25% for all users aged 18-50. White members saw a decrease in popularity as senders aged, beginning at 25% for 18 year old users and steadily dropping to 15% for 50 year old users. The popularity of black members, in contrast, rose as senders aged.

Next, Rudder put together a fascinating chart that must be experienced to really be understood. The graph, called "Who People Are Messaging" takes a look at the relationship between "racial bias" and "racial composition." Each factor can be adjusted to show what the graph would look like under current conditions, as well as how the chart changes when racial bias no longer exists and racial composition is equal. Rudder also breaks the results down into graphs based on messaging preferences by age, in a racially-balanced world.

But as interesting as graphs, charts, and numbers can be, eventually we have to get back to reality and ask: What does all of this look like in the real world?

"The kind of messaging imbalance that currently exists has observable effects on how people think about race and dating," writes Rudder. "Search for 'interracial couple' on a stock photo site: you'll find a rainbow of Asians, Latinos, Blacks, and Indians, all hanging out with their white significant others." And if you enter "Why do ______ [insert non-white race of your choice here] women like..." into Google, it autocompletes with "white men."

Despite OkCupid's findings indicating that Asians are the most desired racial group in the country, white members are still dominating online dating sites simply because there is a greater number of them, and they seem to prefer to date within their ethnic group...which brings up the question for next time: Do all races prefer to date within their own ethnic group? And what does that mean for the dating world?

In most cases, people who sign up for online dating sites are looking for love. However, while we often discuss how to write the best possible profile, how to take the best possible picture, and how to go on the best possible first date, we don’t often actually talk about love. What should love feel like? How soon should you find it? It’s a tricky subject, and highly subjective. Here’s my take on the issue:

First, there’s infatuation. This is a short-lived chemical rush in the brain. Usually when people talk about “butterflies” and start writing poetry, they’re in the throes of infatuation. Because infatuation is a chemical thing, it’s interesting to note that it doesn’t always have much to do with long-term love. You can be strongly infatuated with someone you can’t stand once the ‘rush’ is over; you can have a comparatively brief or mild period of infatuation but develop a strong relationship that lasts.

Depending on what you respond to, it’s absolutely possible that you could become infatuated with someone through email, or even through a profile. In those cases, the gamble is two-fold; not only do you run the typical risk of seeing where the relationship goes once the rush wears off, you have the additional possibility of not even liking the person once you’re in the same room. While, of course, you can’t control infatuation, it’s for this reason that I would advise trying to keep an objective view at least until the first in-person date.

Eventually the chemical infatuation wears off - but by no means does this mean love is gone. I tend to think of love as something separate, stronger. It may have formed during the infatuation period, when you couldn’t stand to be apart, but after that’s gone it’s the ties that keep you together even when you’re physically separated. Long-term relationships are when you hear about issues of compatibility - but almost any lifestyle difference can be conquered with communication. So what, really, is love, and why is it so hard to attain?

In my opinion, love isn’t something that happens overnight; it’s the deep respect and affection that builds over time. Maybe you can be instantly mutually attracted, and develop a strong relationship from that attraction, but would I call it “love at first sight”? No, I think of it as two events that blended seamlessly. And people get in trouble when they confuse infatuation with love.

So, as you meet people and go on dates, what should you focus on? Basic compatibility, chemistry, and communication. In my view, when all these are in order, love is something that sneaks in over time.

The world of online dating is attractive option to many, for a myriad of reasons. Maybe someone lives in a small town and wants to broaden their options. Maybe they have very specific interests and they’d like to find someone else to has them, too. Maybe they’re of a sexual orientation that isn’t easy to come by in their area. Or maybe they feel they can best express themselves through the written word, instead of meeting people through chance, causal contact.

The problem is, it’s not always easy to tell who is comfortable with the written word and who isn’t. Presumably profiles have been carefully edited, so they’re usually free from major error. For many, it’s not until the first email exchange that we begin to get a “real” sense of their writing skill. And sometimes, the results can be shocking.

If a profile is a carefully polished first impression, the equivalent of a glamorous date, then an email exchange can be more akin to knocking on someone’s door at 7am, when they’re in their bathrobe and slippers. Typos get by. Smilies abound. To someone who crafts an email like a novel, flagrant misuse of acronyms can actually be a distraction to the point of obscuring the personality of the email’s author.

If you’re the sort of person who would actually be offended by too many exclamation points, simply remember: not everyone excels at the written letter. And in fact, when you’re in a relationship, even one that started online, emails tend to go the way of the dinosaur. Are you going to let a few words in all capital letters be a barrier to a potential relationship, or will it someday become a little quirk that you chuckle and sigh about?

However, if you’re not Hemingway sitting at a typewriter, that’s no excuse to get sloppy when sending emails, particularly first-contact emails. For many, the majority of their emailing is informal, to friends and family. While you may someday be on intimate terms with a potential match, you aren’t yet; run a spellchecker, at the very least, and keep acronyms and smilies to a bare minimum.

It can be quite possible for a wordsmith and an exclamation abuser to find love through an online dating website; the key here is to remember that the profiles, the emails, are just tools to facilitate an in-person meeting. It’s in person, not in text, that the real sparks fly.

Let’s say you’ve found a potentially good match on an online dating site. You’ve sent a first-contact email, and it was well-received. Emailing has been going well, and finally a decision was made: it’s time to meet up in person for your very first date. The question becomes: what makes a good in-person date? How do you know it’s gone well?

Here are a few tips I’ve gleaned from friends, clients, and my own experiences. Naturally, personal interaction is just that - personal. Only you can find out how your own gut will respond. Still, here are few common threads I’ve noticed.

First, while emailing is a great way to assess common interests and hopefully catch any “creepy” red flags, it’s ultimately an unreliable indicator of whether you’ll have chemistry in person. You might be able to figure out if someone is a “good person;” you can gauge whether you have similar personalities or senses of humor; you can get to know them in perhaps a more stress-free, natural environment. Still, there’s no guarantee you’ll “click.” Go into your first date aware and understanding of that fact. Some people just make better penpals than romantic partners, and that’s okay.

The other thing to remember, however, is that a little bit of awkwardness at making the screen-to-face transition is natural. There might be strange pauses as you find your new pace of conversation. That’s okay, too. The trick is not to panic at the slightest awkward moment, and let it overpower you.

So what do you look for? Look at the date as a whole, and see if you feel both comfortable and excited. Do you eventually overcome your awkwardness and relax into conversation? Did you have a good time? And is there a spark of chemistry? There might not be a flock of butterflies or fireworks display, but most people will know whether there’s a certain sexual possibility in the future.

The question “Do you want to see this person again?” seems like oversimplifying, but in truth it’s as simple as that. If you have to really think about it, it might be time to move on. But if you hear a resounding “Yes!” and your potential match seems to feel the same - well, whether you have common interests, whether they’re your “type” or not, that’s really all you need to hear.