Advice

I read a lot of online dating profiles, and have found a certain commonality. Unfortunately, it’s something that many people don’t think is a deterrent for potential matches, so they don’t notice that they’re doing it. Or they think it will help weed out matches if they include it, but if you do this, it works against you.

What is this thing that we do that is hindering rather than helping our chances?

We state upfront, at the beginning of the profile exactly what we don't want.

In other words, phrases like “no drama, please” is like waving a red flag to your potential dates. As one dater said in her cheeky profile: “your baggage should fit in the glove compartment of your car.” Unfortunately, she is asking for trouble. These kinds of phrases should be tossed. So should descriptives like “no cheaters, crazies, players, gold-diggers, liars,” and those who post “fake profile pictures.”

Why is this such a bad thing? After all, most of us want to avoid these types, right?

The truth is, when you state what you don’t want, you are not only turning off the very people you want to attract (who will assume you are just as crazy, or a liar, etc.), you will attract the kind of dater you don’t want to meet. Are you ready for the drama? Didn't think so.

Your profile isn’t a sounding board for all of your past experiences. While others might identify with you, it won’t necessarily attract them to you. In fact, it works against you. They might be envisioning you stalking them (if you’ve dated cheaters), or that you have lied about your age or posted old photos (if you mentioned no liars), or that you are a drama queen if you are emphatic about not wanting drama in your profile.

Instead, your profile needs to focus on the life you want to create – your future. If you really want to attract someone to you, you have to paint an inviting picture. In other words, focus not only on the positive, but let them know who you are – funny, sensitive, intelligent, really into anime, a Dodgers fan, whatever you would like to include. Invite a conversation by talking about your interests, and asking if potential dates have any stories to share.

Inviting a conversation goes a long way. Describing your interests, your passions, your curiosity about life is sexy and attractive. It makes people want to find out more. They can better envision what dating you might be like.

Emphasizing what you don’t want in a relationship doesn’t communicate anything about you and what you do want, so it’s much harder for potential matches to visualize being in a relationship with you – except for its potential negative consequences. Avoid this, and you will improve your online dating experience significantly.

Thanks to Tinder and online dating, there is a bit of a gap between communicating with someone online and actually meeting them in person – IRL if you will. For instance, let’s say you match with someone you find attractive, and then send her a message. She responds right away, and you have a good text/ message rapport. So you decide to ask her out for a drink. Suddenly, she is busy with work, is out of town, and has no time right now to meet.

You feel your hopes deflating with each excuse. It is disappointed to get emotionally invested in someone online, only to have them flake out when it actually comes to the date. Rest assured, you’re not alone.

I’ve been on both sides of this scenario. It is frustrating to adjust your own schedule to make room for dating, and then your matches don’t return the same courtesy to you. Maybe she is busy with work, or maybe she is traveling a lot right now. I remember postponing first dates due to scheduling conflicts, but I quickly found out my matches dropped away like flies, looking for someone who would be available to date. And if you’re on the receiving end of your match’s excuses? Ask yourself: do you really want a relationship with someone who doesn’t have enough motivation to meet you in the first place?

If you have a little more patience, suggest talking on the phone in the meantime. And set some plans in the near future when your calendars are free and she is in town.

And if she resists that, too, claiming she just doesn’t have the time? Take heart: this is probably not a real person you are dealing with – or at least, a person who is really interested in dating or finding a relationship. This could be a scam at the very worst – and at the very best, she is someone who is unsure of what she really wants. Unless you want to end up in a textual relationship at best, or scammed out of money or emotions at worst, it's best not to even bother continuing the communication.

Remember, this is your dating life. You have the right to expect others to actually date if they are on a dating app. Don’t resign yourself to accepting an endless stream of text messages that go nowhere. Instead of lingering in your messaging app, hoping someday to take things offline, cut to the chase sooner. Ask him or her out for a drink or coffee. If they put off meeting you, move on to the next.

It’s hard to know if there will be a spark between you until you are looking at each other in person, IRL. So meet your dates.

When I talk to daters, the majority of them have tried online dating and decided it just “doesn’t work” for them. I understand – we have all been through some bad and good online dates, and sometimes when you have a string of disappointments it’s enough to make you want to give it up altogether.

Here’s why you shouldn’t.

I’ve heard the arguments about how dating and meeting people should be more organic, that people on online dating sites are just looking to hook up, that it’s hard to know who you are really meeting when you get to the date because your dates don’t look like their photos. All of this happens from time to time. But it’s also important to remember one basic and compelling fact: online dating makes meeting people much easier than approaching strangers at the grocery store, for instance.

Online dating is really a misnomer: it should be called online meeting, as Dr. Helen Fisher of Match.com once pointed out. It is an avenue of introduction, but it is only that: an introduction. There’s no guarantee of love at first sight, that you will have the same goals, that you have a similar sense of humor, that there will be chemistry. But you will have people to choose from, who have chosen to take part on the site, and to date (as opposed to that random stranger at Starbucks who might already be in a relationship).

We have become products of the online dating generation, which makes actual dating more difficult. We expect to know as much as possible about someone up front before we agree to spend time together, even if it is just over coffee for twenty minutes. We approach dates with caution and skepticism. We shut down if there isn’t that instant spark of chemistry, instead of trying to get to know someone past the awkwardness of a first date.

Most importantly, we’ve come to expect that there is always someone “better” out there, waiting to meet us. Daters tend to prefer to keep swiping on Tinder even after they have met someone who sparks their interest, because maybe – just maybe – that next person will be even better. So we’re never in the moment – we just anticipate meeting the next person, and then the next. This is killing dating.

In order to feel chemistry, to connect with someone, you have to be present in the moment. You have to be fully engaged. Otherwise, the connection simmers, and perhaps you both walk away feeling “meh.” Then it’s on to the next – and that person might have really been a good match. You just didn’t give him/ her enough of a chance.

So on your next date, take your time. Engage. Try to be fully present. Put away your phone. Talk. Ask questions. Listen. Then see how online dating works for you.

Tired of feeling like you’re in a dating rut? Sometimes Tinder is fun, but it doesn’t yield the long-term results you crave. If you really want things to change, you’re going to have to explore other options and mix up your routine.

Change is hard – it requires getting out of your comfort zone and putting in some effort. I think that Tinder has been such an attractive app because it takes all of the effort out of dating, leaving it to be more of a game to pass the time. Don’t get me wrong – there are couples who met over Tinder, but they also made an effort to meet each other in person, too. Dating has to happen for a relationship to evolve.

Instead of relying on your dating apps like Tinder, it’s time to explore your options. Traditional online dating sites – especially those that charge a fee for their matching services – tend to attract daters who are a little more serious, a bit more invested. Mix up your routine by joining Match.com or eHarmony, and enlisting a friend to help craft your profile. (I find that many people aren’t very accurate with describing themselves – either they try to create a certain “image” and don’t come across as trustworthy or real, or they downplay their assets, thinking humility is a good trait to attract someone romantically. It’s not.

Matchmaking services are also an interesting option, because they are a little more curated and provide a higher level of customized service. If this kind of thing intimidates you, start with a service like “It’s Just Lunch.” It’s Just Lunch provides a way to cut to the chase, where you are set up on a simple lunch date with a match to see if you click. It’s casual, but at least you get to meet in person to see if there’s any chemistry, rather than dealing with messages from dating apps which go nowhere.

Dating apps are a good thing, they just aren’t able to provide a different type of experience – they are for quick views and snap judgments, and people move rather quickly through them. When you meet someone via an online dating site or service however, the process moves a bit slower – you message back and forth, you are encouraged to meet in person, and you get a chance to “date” rather than sort through endless options. There’s something to be said for taking your time.

With online access to virtually everything, we have become accustomed to getting what we want quickly. Instead of driving from store to store, we find exactly what we need searching the Web.

Because of our ability to find anything online – including a date – we have taken this to mean that the perfect date can be made-to-order. We are no longer bound by our circles of friends and family, but have access to virtually anyone in the world we want to meet (provided they are also online). Which means we can filter out the types of people we don’t want based on age, location, political beliefs, height or weight, or any of a number of factors. But this also means that we miss out on opportunities.

Online dating is marketed as being convenient and easy – you can meet anyone with a swipe of the screen or by accepting a match. But really, dating is the same as it ever was. As I state in my book Date Expectations, meeting someone is the easy part. The next step – getting to know someone over a series of dates – is where the connection really counts. But too often, we aren’t willing to wait to get to that part. Instead, we crave instant attraction or chemistry or we walk away. There is no in-between, because it’s too easy to move on to the next person.

If we scroll through people in real life, rejecting and judging before we’ve even gotten to know them, we miss out on forming any real connections. Sure, chemistry is fantastic, but it’s not lasting or a real indication of the success of the relationship. Real connection takes time.

Far too often, people aren’t what they seem when you first meet them. This isn’t saying they misrepresent themselves, but rather, they are putting on a bit of a performance trying to be the ideal date. Maybe they tried really hard to be witty, or they were so nervous they could barely form a coherent sentence. Or maybe your date had a bad week and isn’t really trying to make a good impression. In other words, who you first meet isn’t necessarily the person you get in a relationship. It takes a few dates to peel away the layers and see if there is a connection.

In other words, we have to try and be more patient when we date. It’s not a race to the finish line, or looking for instant connection, or assessing someone’s worth as a potential spouse – instead, it’s a process. Like anything worth having in life, it requires time and effort. It requires something of you – namely, to leave yourself open to possibility and to take your time navigating your way, rather than trying to fight off the currents by rejecting as many candidates as possible to get to the “right one.” The right relationship happens thanks to two people willing to see where things might lead.

Many of us have anxiety when it comes to first dates. After all, you’re expected to make a good impression in front of a total stranger. But what happens if you say the wrong thing, or there’s a pause in the conversation?  Or what if you’re not feeling so attractive or desirable? These things can affect the date itself, and how you feel about the person you’re meeting.

You don’t want to start off on the wrong foot. But it’s also important to approach it with a sense of humor and non-attachment, so that your anxiety doesn't take over.

Like with job interviews, sometimes first dates just take a little practice. They are a way to see if you have a connection – not if you can impress another person so much that they’ll fall instantly in love with you.

The mistake many of us make is that we think there should be instant chemistry on a first date, so it makes the pressure to create the chemistry even greater. But chemistry can take time to build, and often happens only when we show our vulnerabilities, when we decide to be honest in the moment and share our truth. That allows your date to open up more to you, too.

Following are some tips to help take the pressure off of first dates – and hopefully create an environment for connection:

Pick a location where you can feel comfortable. Instead of going for the latest trendy bar, or an expensive foodie experience, think of where you like to spend time. Is it at a museum, or low-key cafe, or at the brew house down the street? Pick a place that is enjoyable for you – it helps ease an already pressure-filled situation.

Pick an activity instead of a coffee date. Sometimes even the idea of sitting across from a stranger and trying to come up with witty conversation is just too daunting. Instead of putting yourself through that, take the pressure off by engaging in an activity. Go for a hike, or bike ride, or outdoor concert. Whatever you decide, it will provide you with something to talk about and ease the pressure to impress.

Invest some time – don’t date back to back. Some people life to be efficient and schedule dates back to back in blocks of "free" time. But this can create anxiety as well – and you never really enjoy each date because you’re looking at the clock. With a good date, you are totally in the moment. So don’t overschedule – or you set yourself up for failure.

Choose an outfit that makes you happy. Uncomfortable heels aren’t a requirement on a first date. If you love your Converse, dress them up with a flirty summer dress. Don’t be afraid to show off your style, and try to wear something you’ve worn before. If you feel good and comfortable in what you wear (and not constantly pulling up your bra straps, for instance), then you are more relaxed on the date.