Tips

The first date with your latest online match didn’t leave you feeling that chemistry you desire so much, but it wasn’t a bad date either. It was just kind of so-so. The whole experience leaves you wondering – is it worth giving this guy another chance?

I’m a big advocate of giving people a second (and third and possibly fourth) chance. Often, intimacy and attraction are built over time, especially if you’re guarded with your emotions. Instant chemistry isn’t always a good thing – it can cloud good judgment, so don’t jump in with both feet right away!

Instead of writing off a date because you are unsure, or got a little bored, or he’s not the kind of guy you usually date, give it a chance to see what happens.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Were you tired or lacking energy? When you’ve been battling traffic, an irritated boss, or just general work fatigue, it’s hard to muster the energy for a date. But you get what you give in the case of dating, so you and your date both play off each other’s energy. If one of you is off, it can lead you to conclude you’re not right for each other. Instead of assumptions, give it another chance.
• Did you pick a typical first date place or activity? Coffee dates don’t really give you an opportunity to enjoy yourselves. Coffee shops are settings for interviews, which feel uncomfortable and not at all enjoyable! Instead, try a second date doing something active, like riding bikes or visiting an art gallery together. The point is to see if you can bond a little by experiencing something together, rather than just sitting through a game of twenty questions.

There are a few important things to consider when you’re dating too, which mainly have to do with following your gut. It’s good to ask yourself the following if you were left feeling uncertain after a first date:

• Do you feel safe with this person, or did you feel uneasy during any part of the evening? Don’t ever put your health and safety at risk, or feel pressured into doing something you aren’t comfortable with. A good date means someone who doesn’t overstep boundaries.
• Did he avoid questions about his own life? This is a sign he’s hiding something from you – maybe a wife or girlfriend, another life. If he’s avoiding your questions and refusing to reveal anything about himself, there’s a reason.
• Did he drink too much? If it seems he’s not in control of his impulses or has addictive tendencies that he hasn’t addressed, he’s not a good candidate for a second date. Compulsive drinkers might have a good time, but they aren’t in a place to welcome a healthy relationship.
• Was he angry? Some people carry hurt and anger from their pasts with them on a date, which is both unfair to their dates and also a little intimidating. If you dated someone who hasn’t resolved issues of anger, it’s best to move on.

Bottom line: Check in with your gut. Make sure you feel safe around your date first. If you are on the fence about how you feel romantically, try another date and see if things continue to improve – if they do, keep dating. It’s a process.

Online dating is all about first impressions. After all, there’s a big pool of daters out there – if someone doesn’t interest you or work out from the start, there’s plenty more to meet! You might think - why waste time with someone who didn’t text back right away, acted nervous throughout the night, or canceled your first date three times? No thanks!

But what happens when you are the one who wants a do-over?

Sometimes, you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. But if you do, it’s important to own your mistakes – and try to improve upon them. I’ve provided two real-life examples, though some of the details I changed for privacy’s sake:

Drinking Disaster

Jessica met Ryan over Tinder, and they immediately hit it off. After a few drinks Jessica was feeling bold and started flirting heavily, something she usually doesn’t do. Then she leaned in for the kiss, biting down hard on his lip. He was wondering what to do as his mouth started throbbing. Jessica suggested taking off to her place, but not before she fell over trying to get down from her barstool. She made it outside before throwing up. Ryan helped her to a cab and sent her home by herself – and the whole experience turned him off Tinder for a while.

Two weeks later, he got a text from Jessica apologizing for her behavior and asking if she could get a second chance. “I didn’t really see the point, but we did have good chemistry so eventually I agreed. I needed to find out who she really was.” This time, she didn’t drink and took her time instead of giving in to the chemistry. Two months later, they’re still dating. He was able to look past her initial behavior after he got to know the real Jessica.

Questionable comment

Stacey saw Jake’s picture on an online dating site, and decided to contact him. They had a few exchanges, but something he said in passing really bothered Stacey so she stopped communicating. When she went back to the same dating site a few weeks later, he still popped up as one of her matches, so she decided to give him a second chance. After rescheduling their date three times because Stacy’s work got too busy, Jake was annoyed, but still agreed to meet her. When they did meet, they clicked.

After talking to him in person, Stacey realized that she had misunderstood Jake initially because she had taken his online response the wrong way. If she hadn’t given him another chance to prove himself – and if he had given up on meeting her after cancelling so many times – they never would have connected and fallen in love. His good heart won her over, and they have been dating ever since.

Have you turned someone down because of a first impression? Maybe it’s time to give someone a second chance.

We've all been there: caught smack-dab in the middle of a rut that feels too big to ever crawl out of, like an ant at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. You can see the sky, but good luck climbing the sheer cliff walls to get there.

Except you're not an ant, and you only think your rut is as big as the Grand Canyon. It looks big when you're at the bottom, but your rut isn't forever. You can escape.

Getting out of a rut means re-evaluating your dating behaviors. Take stock of what is and isn't working in all areas of your life. Ditch the things that aren't. Do more of the things that are. And you'll find yourself approaching romance with renewed energy and a new perspective.

Here are 5 things you can do, right now if you want to, to set yourself on a course towards the sky:

1. End the crutch relationship. The crutch could be a relationship you know is going nowhere, but that you give your time, energy, and emotions to anyway. The crutch could also be someone you go back to after every breakup, so you don't have to deal with the heartache. Or the crutch could be the person you text late at night, because some company is better than no company. Whatever your crutch looks like, ditch it. It's in the way of what you really want.

2. Change up your strategy. If you're not meeting anyone in your daily life, sign up for an online dating site. If you've been using dating websites but haven't had any success, delete your account and resolve to go out next weekend.

3. Own up to your issues. Yeah, you have them. We all do. Take some time to think about what bad habits you've fallen into and what negative beliefs you hold. When you're self-aware, you're more in control. You can make the choice to accentuate the positives and let go of any baggage that's holding you back.

4. Spend a night in. Dating fatigue is a real thing. If you're constantly going on date after date, it's easy to become complacent about the experience. You don't want to meet someone new if you're exhausted, annoyed, bored, etc., because your mood can make or break the date. Take time to yourself and recharge.

5. Review your dealbreakers. Having goals and boundaries is a good thing, but having rigid, nonnegotiable criteria is not. It's good to occasionally challenge the requirements you think you have. Stick with only the most important dealbreakers, and learn to be flexible about everything else. Expanding your openness means expanding your pool of potential dates.

I have a love/hate relationship with New Year's resolutions.

In fact, you probably do too (who doesn't?).

On one hand, goal-setting is one of the most valuable things you can do. It's essential to set aside time to evaluate where you are, envision where you want to be, and strategize about how to move from one to the other.

On the other hand, everyone knows how difficult it is to actually stick to New Year's resolutions. You start out strong, you slip up once or twice, and then you abandon the whole thing. It can feel like you're setting yourself up for failure.

But hey – what is life without a few challenges? The potential for growth is too important to ignore, so make those resolutions and make 2015 the year you really kick their ass. Here are some ideas for your love life:

• Join a dating site. You may be here because you're already an online dater and are looking for tips, but you could be here because you still haven't taken the plunge and need some motivation. As Nike would say, just do it. This is the most popular time of the year for dating sites, so you'll be in good (and plentiful) company.
• Try something out of your comfort zone. That could be joining an online dating site, if you haven't already, or it could be trying something offline that pushes your boundaries. Join a gym if you've always been too intimidated to work out in front of others. Take a cooking class. Join a recreational sports team. You'll meet new people, add to your skill set, and boost your confidence.
• Be more open-minded. It's not just about challenging yourself where activities are concerned. It's also about challenging your preconceived notions about people. Say yes to someone you would normally say no to. Resist the urge to judge too quickly. Dump some of your dealbreakers. You may find something (or someone) you never expected.
• Get a handle on your goals. Do you want a fun fling? Are you looking for a partner who's marriage material? Are you just in the market for new friends? Be honest with yourself about what you want, and then be smart with your choices. They should be in alignment with your goals.
• Take action. You could wait around for something to happen to you, or you could make it happen. Which sounds like the better option? Be proactive in your search and don't think twice about making the first move. Being assertive is the best way to get what you want.

Here's to an incredible 2015!

There’s something many people don’t want to admit to their dates, because they equate it with a character flaw or weakness; but the truth is, many daters are shy.

Introverts make up a significant portion of the population, and chances are, you will meet a few introverts if you date long enough. Unfortunately, online dating doesn’t lend itself to shy types. It requires real action, attention, and bravery. It pushes us outside of our comfort zones. (Actually, so does any kind of dating.) And it’s especially difficult for introverts to muster the courage to flirt or ask someone out.

But if you want to find love, it is necessary. Unless you think a hot stranger will appear at your doorstep to whisk you away, dating is an essential process to finding a long-term relationship, and it’s not easy. It’s better to face this challenge head-on than retreat in fear because you’re shy. Remember, many of your dates are going to be shy, too – so don’t feel like you’re the only one.

Following are some dating tips to help overcome your fears:

Widen your social circles. Instead of retreating into your safety zone of close friends and family, dating requires you to meet new people often – at least until you find someone you click with. If you feel uncomfortable online dating, try widening your social circles bit by bit. Get to know a new co-worker, or the person next to you in Zumba class. Make new friends within your circles, because they could introduce you to potential dates.

Rejection isn’t personal. But being shy prevents many people from connecting, because when you’re shy you hold back. You don’t want to put yourself out there for fear of rejection. But you have to also look at dating as trial and error – if someone doesn’t click with you, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. It means that there isn’t a connection. Don’t beat yourself up, and don’t stop. What counts is that you’re trying (like everyone else), so keep going.

Expand your comfort zone step by step. Instead of hiding behind your insecurities, it’s time to push yourself a little bit outside of your comfort zone. Take small steps. Accept invitations to parties and local singles events, and invite your outgoing friend to help introduce you to people. Strike up a conversation with the person in line next to you at Starbucks, even if you’re not interested. Every little bit of practice builds your confidence.

Use your assets. Not all of us are smooth talkers, or good flirts, or are good at introducing ourselves to strangers. Instead of listening to all the advice about how to approach people, try striking up a conversation by doing what you do better than most – actively listening! Then ask thoughtful questions. Getting to know someone takes you a lot further in dating than having a good pick-up line.

Happy dating!

Did you make out with your boss at the company holiday party? Or hook up with the guy in the next cubicle after a happy hour? Or maybe you have secretly been pining for a hot co-worker who you don’t know well, except for brief flirtations over Snapchat or Whisper.

If any of these scenarios make you squirm a little in your chair, you might be grappling with the age-old question of – should I or shouldn’t I? – when it comes to dating a co-worker.

It’s easy to understand why people would form romantic attachments to their fellow colleagues and bosses. After all, you spend most of your days with them, you work on projects together, and you bond over coffee breaks and happy hours. They are in a sense like another family. But what happens when you cross that line and start entering relationship territory, even if it’s all in secret from your other co-workers?

Following are some things to keep in mind before you take that next step:

Stay away from the hierarchy. If you are interested in your boss or a subordinate employee, you are treading dangerous ground. Most company policies have rules against this, because it can lead to unfair workplace advantages (or at least the perception of them among the other employees). Instead of throwing caution to the wind, look elsewhere – for another love interest or another job.

Understand the consequences. This might sounds harsh, but if the relationship ends, do you want to keep working next to your ex? Do you want to hear about his new relationship? If you can’t handle the idea of seeing your ex on a daily basis, then you might want to reconsider the relationship.

Think of career ambitions. Are you willing to quit your job and find another? Sometimes when office relationships don’t work out, it can mean problems for your career. If you’re in a specialized field with limited job opportunities, it would be better to look outside of work for a relationship.

Does the relationship have long or short-term potential? You might be in the heat of passion, but this doesn’t mean it’s good for you in the long run. Maybe you worked for hours together on a project and it created intimacy between you. It’s hard to let go of that – but ask yourself: do you have other things to talk about besides work? Are there other areas of your life that intersect? This makes all the difference in its success. If you are only caught up in the heat of the moment, it will pass. So choose your moves wisely.