Advice

We all know the heady feeling of passion – how it makes us feel and how we crave it in our love lives. There is the rush of emotion when you get a text from the object of your affection, or see him standing in front of you. There is that warm feeling that comes over you when you kiss, when you have sex, when you are wrapped up in each other. Desire, passion, lust – these are extreme emotional highs that we crave.

Maybe you’ve been on a few dates with someone who fills you with that passion. You’re already planning trips together, dreaming about how perfect he seems for you. You look forward to the relationship progressing, to moving in together, to him being “the one.” You fantasize about your love, and how he brings out such emotion in you.

Then a few weeks later, the sex isn’t so hot. He isn’t so attractive. He has this annoying habit of interrupting you every time you start to say something. His house is a mess and you feel like his mother when you clean up after him. He is still in touch with his ex girlfriend. He starts calling you less and less often, and isn’t so excited to see you anymore.

Needless to say, the seeds of passion have not brought the bloom of long-term love that you were craving in the first place.

When it comes to long-term relationships, these passion-filled romances don’t typically stand the test of time. They are intense, but like every high, at some point, you must come down. And then comes the true test of the relationship.

Long-term relationships require a deeper connection than passion. They often take a long time to grow. Which is why it’s not the best idea to reject dates who don’t bring out that passion you crave right away.

Passion isn’t just about heady, immediate lust. While that is always tempting to follow, it’s important to consider what you truly want: a life filled with short-term, intense flings? Or a long-term companion where love grows deeper?

Seeking long-term love as opposed to chasing passion isn’t about settling. It’s about understanding what you really want. It’ thinking about more than heady feelings of lust – but rather, about mutual respect, kindness and about having a real and lasting connection with a partner. Passion wears off no matter what relationship you are in, so you have to ask yourself: what is left after that? Do I even like the person I’m with?

What is it that I’m really hoping to have?

Most of us crave deeper connections. We don’t want someone who is just around for the good times, and takes off when things get rough or boring. We want someone we can trust, who we like, who makes us laugh, who respects and cares for us, who is committed for the long haul. This isn’t the stuff of passion – it is the stuff of deep relationships. Be clear about what you want before you keep chasing passion.

Dating can be difficult, there’s no doubt about it. One of the most difficult things about online dating is the mental game many of us play. Instead of looking and considering each potential match on its own, we compare and contrast our matches, swiping left and right based on a couple of photos or an Instagram feed. The faster we swipe to reject (or even accept), the faster we can meet someone with whom we have a connection. Someone “better” than the last match.

When we are judging others so swiftly and definitively, it’s hard not to do the same thing to ourselves. Do you wonder what others think of you – why they might be swiping left instead of right? Why another match might be “better” than you? Do you think that peoples’ reactions might change if you were just a little prettier, or more athletic, or taller? (Especially if you reject matches based on these same criteria?) This can ruin your confidence as well as your online dating experience. Sometimes, it’s better to take a step back and gain some much-needed perspective.

Online dating creates the illusion that we are not only sizing each other up, but competing with one another. Let’s take social media as an example – something that most of us check regularly. We are constantly looking at what other people are doing, and how our lives compare.

Have you ever come across the Facebook or Instagram feed of a friend who is always posting vacation photos from exotic locales, or your friend who is part of a happy couple who can’t stop sharing how much they adore each other or their new baby? Maybe you see your friends’ new promotions, new houses, and exciting moments and think your life falls short.

Social media can give us skewed perspectives, and so can endlessly swiping on dating apps. While we might think that other people have an easier time with online dating, or they are getting more dates, or are somehow meeting “better” people online, rest assured – all of us have the same insecurities and challenges.

Instead of looking at online dating as a competition or a numbers game, it’s time to approach it differently. Instead of mindlessly swiping and judging, try taking things slowly. (I know, it’s against the dating app mindset, but it’s necessary.) Try reading what each person says in his/her profile. Spend one minute looking at a profile before moving on to the next. Try looking through an Instagram feed and not judging or comparing your lives, just observing. Try saying yes to a match who doesn’t seem like your type, just to see what the date might be like.

The more you can distance yourself from the cycle of comparing yourself to others, judging others, and hating online dating as a result, the better. Instead, have a more curious approach. Try to get to know someone rather than making a judgment. Seek connection, not perfection.

We all have social anxiety to some degree, but some people have an easier time walking up to total strangers and striking up a conversation. For others, the fear of rejection is so strong it prevents them from even saying hello to someone who catches their eye.

So what can you do about dating if you tend to be shy in social situations?

It’s not easy. But thanks to online dating, some of the initial barriers to conversation have been removed. Chatting with someone online can is easier than chatting with them in person – mostly because you have a little time to think about responses (and delete!), putting your most charming self forward from the start.

But if you find yourself at a bar, on a hike, or at Starbucks and someone you find attractive walks by, instead of looking down at your phone, it's good to muster the courage to say hello. There are a few things to keep in mind when you don't know how to approach someone in person.

Practice makes perfect. Don’t assume that you have to walk away with a phone number or else you’ve failed. The win is in the small steps taken and the effort made. If you have terrible anxiety about approaching a woman, try to strike up a conversation without a goal in mind. And if she isn’t interested? Just try again. Not everyone is going to be open, and you’re not going to be Casanova right off the bat. Give it time, and allow yourself to practice.

Don’t open with a pick-up line. Instead of putting this kind of pressure on yourself to “impress” her with your cheeky confidence, try instead to be more authentic. Compliment her on something unexpected (not her body or curves – but the details like her sense of style, or even her laugh). Aim to make her smile, not to get her number. If she thinks you’re just looking at her as a “score” you’ve already stopped the conversation.

Take your mask off. When you are genuinely being yourself, people connect with you because you are most confident as your true self, according to dating coach AJ Harbinger. If you are wearing the mask you think you should be wearing, then it’s harder for people to trust you. When it comes to connecting with women, they need to feel secure. They need to feel like they can trust what you say before they open themselves up to you. Be yourself.

Make her feel safe. Women like to flirt, but they don’t like to feel like prey. Instead of coming across as aggressive or overly flirtatious, try asking questions and getting a feel for who she is and what she likes. If you don’t know if you should try a line, then don’t! Instead, take a classy approach to allow her to trust you. Trust is the most important thing to gain before you can truly attract a woman. As dating coach Julie Spira advises, offer to pay for valet parking rather than just drinks. This will earn points, because you are showing her that you view her as a person, not as a conquest.

Relationships can be difficult, because two people will not always be on the same page. You might fight or misunderstand each other from time to time. But sometimes, misunderstanding mixed with fear and insecurity can pave the way for feelings of jealousy to creep inside. And this is not a good thing.

Jealousy can wreak havoc in a relationship. It makes you fearful, questioning, insecure, and suspicious on a constant basis. It prevents you from truly letting go, having a good time, and letting your guard down. Instead, you’re preoccupied with thoughts like: “is he cheating on me?” or “who is she texting right now?”

Some jealous feelings are founded in experience. If your last couple of girlfriends cheated on you, there might be a reason to be suspicious of anyone new. But of course, protecting yourself from being hurt again by acting on your jealous feelings doesn’t serve you. In fact, it can damage an otherwise perfectly lovely relationship.

Instead of ruminating in your feelings of jealousy, no matter how real or “honest” those feelings seem, take a step back. Ask yourself: how is this jealousy serving my relationship? Is there a way I can look at things differently? Is there something I’m not seeing?

The purpose of this exercise is to take yourself out of the cycle of giving in to jealous feelings. They are rooted in fear. If you have to track your boyfriend’s phone or scroll through his messages when he’s in the bathroom because you’re afraid he’s cheating, do you think this is a healthy way to be in a relationship?

If you react to someone you love out of fear – even if it’s fear of losing the relationship – you won’t get the love and connection it is that you really want. You will only get a defensive response, no matter what the truth is.

Instead of acting out of fear, ask yourself where the jealousy comes from. Did your partner say or do something to hurt you in the past, that perhaps you haven’t fully addressed? Or are you acting out of fear of past hurts that he had nothing to do with? Or are you reacting to suspicions that you have of being unlovable – assuming that he must be looking for someone else because surely he wouldn’t love you?

All of these are reactions based in fear. Instead of giving in to your fears, try a different approach. Ask yourself where these feelings are really coming from. Tell yourself that you are enough. If you want a lasting, loving relationship, you have to love yourself first. Let your fear and jealousy go, and take things one day at a time if need be. See how your relationship can change with that one step.

Most of us are so addicted to our phones we carry them with us wherever we go.

But we’re all different in terms of how we use our phones. Some of us can’t wait to check into Facebook and Instagram. Others scroll endlessly through emails, trying to catch up on work. Still others blast off text messages or do Facetime with friends. And if you’re dating? Of course you’ll be swiping through your Tinder or Hinge accounts, just to see if anyone new and interesting pops up.

While most of us check our phones throughout the day, not all of us use it in the same way. Some of us can't resist looking through social media every ten minutes. Others will only look at texts or emails when we get a notice.

Think about how you use your phone. Do you message your matches as soon as you swipe right, or do you wait until you have some free time to start communicating? Do you prioritize answering your work emails before getting back to your upcoming date about where to meet? When you send a flirty text or “like” a date’s Instagram pic, are you insulted when you don’t get an immediate response?

Here’s what I’m getting at: Do you expect your dates to respond or interact in a certain way because that’s what you do?

When it comes to dating and communication, we often don’t realize that different people use technology in different ways. Some people don’t text back right away because they are at work or in the middle of a big project that demands their attention. Others feel uncomfortable with flirting/ sexting, and might decide to drop the conversation. Still others would rather check you out on social media before messaging you back.

Some people don’t want to text at all and prefer to talk on the phone, especially when they are getting to know someone. (Men by far outnumber women on this point, according to a 2011 Shape Magazine study on texting habits.) It’s hard to pick up on social cues over text, plus you can get a sense of the person’s energy and communication style when you actually talk to him.

Instead of judging your date’s texting etiquette or jumping to conclusions about how they feel or whether or not they are really busy, try a different approach. Take a step back and don’t look for that immediate response, or a response that suits your needs or mood. Instead, try giving the person a call or setting up a real in-person date so you can see their true communication style.

It’s very difficult to understand what someone else is thinking/ feeling/ doing when you communicate over smartphones, so try not to make this your main line of communication. While it’s fine to keep in touch, make sure that you actually talk to your dates, too. Though we often don’t want to believe this, texting relationships tend to fizzle out. So get to know your date in person, too.

It happens in dating – you meet someone, you exchange numbers or friend him/her on Facebook, and then you want to reach out. Maybe you can’t stop thinking about him, or maybe he left a good impression when you first spoke. Regardless, let’s say you’ve had a few drinks and you’re feeling pretty fearless.

Next thing you know, you’ve sent a flirtatious text to someone you don’t even know that well. Maybe you are feeling more fearless when a couple of minutes goes by with no response, so you send another, flirtier message.

Soon, you’ve sent five messages with no response, and now you are sending yourself into a tailspin of negative self-talk. What is wrong with me? You ask. Why isn’t he texting me back?

At some point, likely the next day when you are picking up your phone to go through your emails, you look back on those texts you sent and cringe. Then the negative self-talk increases. Why did I have to text him so many times? What is wrong with me? Why did I text him at all?

We all do things we regret. Not every social encounter where you feel attracted to someone is going to result in a date. And there is a lot of pressure involved in reaching out to someone you don’t know – what do you say? Will they get your sense of humor? These anxieties we harbor make it much easier to communicate when we are not “in our right minds” – so to speak. Maybe you should have waited to reach out until the next day, or maybe you should only have sent one text instead of five. But what’s done is done, and it’s important to move past it.

Instead of feeling embarrassed and ashamed, it’s time to understand that communication slip-ups are part of the dating process. We all make mistakes. We misunderstand each other. You in all likelihood have received drunk or regrettable texts from other guys, too.

There is nothing wrong with making yourself vulnerable or expressing your interest in someone else. But when you obsess over a mistake, you are preventing yourself from moving on. Instead, you get wrapped up in your own patterns and behavior. But really, we should all take ourselves a little less seriously, and take respect and caring for others a little more seriously. In fact, extending compassion and kindness to your dates who just weren’t right for you – whether it’s because they drunk texted or you just aren’t into them – is the way to a better dating environment for all.

If you regret sending that text, make the decision to accept your mistake. And understand that just because you didn’t get the response you were after, it doesn’t mean you suck at dating and you just shouldn’t bother. In fact, it’s good to remind yourself in these moments of all the things you are – a good person, smart, kind, and respectful. Dwell on these positive self-talk messages for a while, and again, extend that kindness and forgiveness to others. There’s no need to be snarky in your own dating life.