Dating

Our dating lives are primarily driven by chemistry. We search for that elusive instant spark, and if we're not feeling it within the first few minutes of the date, many times we check out mentally and emotionally. We dismiss a date without even trying to get to know him.

There's a big difference between a good date and a good relationship. While a man might appear funny, charming, and sexy at the beginning, later on you might find him to be non-committal, a player, or otherwise not relationship material. The only way you can find out if someone is good relationship material is through actually getting to know him.

Most people are awkward and a little unsure on the first date. And if they get the vibe that you're not into them, then the awkwardness intensifies. He will either try to oversell himself to compensate for your lack of interest, or he'll withdraw. Neither of these scenarios means that you will be more attracted to him. But have you given him a real chance? Probably not.

Instead of writing him off, take a step back. The majority of women say that they married a man who they weren't at first attracted to - which means that they gave someone a chance even if he didn't blow them away from the start. And then they found lasting love.

Following are five reasons to say yes to a second date:

He's not your type - and that might be a good thing. If you tend to be attracted to the same type of man but it hasn't yet worked out for you, isn't it worth it to date someone totally different? You might find that the men you are typically attracted to are great daters, but lousy partners. You can't know whether someone will love and respect you until you have dated and gotten to know each other. Real, lasting relationships take time to build. And when you're with the right person, it doesn't fizzle out. It only gets stronger.

The first date was fine, but not exciting. If you found a first date to be just okay, that he was "nice enough," then consider giving him a fair shot and agreeing to a second date. Remember: you aren't dating him exclusively - you are still meeting men. But giving each of your dates a fair shot means that it's important to take your time and see how things unfold between you. Finding love requires patience as well as perseverance.

It can't hurt. This goes without saying. What's the harm in agreeing to a second date? Maybe it will go nowhere, but maybe he will surprise you.

Chemistry doesn't mean long-term potential. I know people will disagree on this, but there is too much weight placed on instant attraction. What matters more is someone's honesty, respect for you, and kindness - none of which can really be assessed on the first or even the second date. It takes time. Isn't it worth it to get to know someone who possesses these qualities?

Katy Perry recently revealed to Vogue that her break-up with Russell Brand happened via a text message - one that he sent to announce he was filing for divorce. And while she admitted she made mistakes that contributed to its demise, she also realized in retrospect that Brand was very controlling.

"At first when I met him he wanted an equal, and I think a lot of times strong men do want an equal, but then they get that equal and they're like, I can't handle the equalness. He didn't like the atmosphere of me being the boss on tour. So that was really hurtful, and it was very controlling, which was upsetting," she explained to Vogue.

Katy Perry's experience sheds light on something that many people don't consider when entering into a romantic relationship - that one partner may be too controlling, which leads to conflict, self doubt, and a lot of frustration. But it isn't always obvious when you're in love. You may tend to make excuses for your partner or ignore the warning signs.

So how can you be sure you're not dating someone who's too controlling? Here are a few red flags to consider:

He's inflexible. Does he normally get his way when you are making plans, or is it a joint effort? If he's really considering your opinion and feelings, he will listen and try to come up with a solution that makes both of you happy. If he makes you feel guilty and claims you're being unreasonable most of the time, this is a red flag. Don't ignore it. Speak up and let him know your opinion matters.

He has poor communication skills. Some men aren't very emotionally open, and as a result they feel powerless when they are in love. In order to take back some control, they assert themselves when they should be partnering. If your man doesn't want to discuss issues you face, and directs you instead, it's time to address your concerns.

He's possessive. Does he sulk when you go out with your girlfriends instead of him? Does he get angry when you make a decision without his consent, even if it doesn't involve him? If he makes you feel bad for making choices independent of him, then consider it a problem.

He has no accountability. He places blame on other people, including you, because he isn't willing to look at himself. This is common - we tend to blame other people, circumstances, etc. instead of seeing how we contributed to the problem, and what we can do to change things. If he's not willing to look at himself, then maybe it's time to move on.

Everyone knows that mutual respect is desired, appreciated, even required when it comes to choosing a partner. However, while we can likely identify respect (or a lack thereof) as it applies to us, we might not always remember the many little ways we can display respect for our partner. Here are just a few:

The easiest way to demonstrate respect for others is simply to listen to what they have to say - and remember it. No, you don’t have to become a walking encyclopedia of every bit of trivia your date imparts, but you should aim for at least a passing grade if you were to be given a pop quiz on the evening’s conversation. This goes double if the trivia in question is an answer to a question you asked; asking a question and not listening to the answer proves you’re not really interested in what your date has to say.

Again, you don’t have to remember every tiny scrap of information; however, remembering a small detail and bringing it up later is a considerate move that goes a long way. Maybe on the second date, you bring a movie you both had said you were interested in seeing. Maybe you heard their cat was sick, so you text them the next day to ask how the cat is doing. There’s no need to go overboard with “inside jokes” or the recollection of facts and figures, but a small gesture is a good way to indicate that your date left a big impression.

Basic common courtesy never goes out of style - and it’s gender-neutral. Opening doors, offering to grab drinks for the two of you, asking about their day before starting in on yours - these are simple manners, but when you’re stressed on on a first or second date, they might be actions that slip your mind. Keeping your mind where it should be - focused on your date - can actually help calm your nerves, as well.

Not only should you listen to your date’s responses - you should respect them, as well. For example, if they say they don’t like a certain food, don’t order it anyway and tell them they’ll “love it this way.” If they tell you what their favorite movie is, don’t mock their choice. No, you don’t have to agree all the time, but over-the-top criticism - or, worse, outright ignoring their opinions - should be a red flag to you as well as to them.

Showing basic respect is likely something that’s already ingrained in your behavior. However, when the pressure mounts on a first date, it can be helpful to remember that making a good impression can be as simple as displaying good manners and common courtesy. Focusing on such basic qualities as respect, instead of stressing about, say, your hair, directs your energy in a far more useful direction.

When it comes to dating with an age difference, there's usually only one story told: men love younger women, and women love older men.

Yeah, it's true - some men do want to date younger women and some women do only go for older men - but it's not the full story, and it's time we recognized that there's more to May-December dating than one unscientific-but-still-predominant view.

AYI.com (Are You Interested?), a dating service that uses Facebook to pair people based on interests, has pulled data from its 68 million downloads and 20 million Facebook profiles to analyze what it takes to make a successful match. Their experiment focused in on the 1 million recommended pairings in a specific population of 35,942 users ages 30 to 49.

AYI's most surprising finding was this: their female subscribers were five times more likely to show interest in men who were five years their junior than men who were five years older. The old narrative is outdated and inaccurate.

Well, sort of. Men do still like dating younger women, as the AYI study proved. Among the 26,434 men between the ages of 30 and 49 who were studied, 42% said they wouldn't even consider dating a woman if she was older than them. If, however, an older woman contacted them first, they admitted they wouldn't necessarily turn her down. AYI's data shows that a man is only 22% less likely to respond to an older woman than to a younger woman if she is the one who initiates contact.

What gives, guys? If you think older women are an easy target with no other options - and it doesn't require any preliminary effort on your part - you'll go for it, but otherwise you won't go anywhere near them? That doesn't sound like the progressive society I like to think I live in.

There are a few theories that explain why AYI's study turned up its findings. Once upon a time, AYI analysts think, young women marrying older men had an appeal based on wealth. While there are still plenty of women who like the idea of marrying for money, younger women are now inundated with requests from older men on dating sites and the myth of the Sugar Daddy is never as glamourous as it seems.

A 2008 study published in the journal Psychology of Women Quarterly found that women who are 10 or more years older than their partner are more satisfied and more committed to their relationships than women who are the same age or younger than their partners. So guys...don't limit yourself to younger women, and girls...don't be afraid of dating younger men.

Even though we join online dating sites to meet other people, a lot of the ‘prep work’ involved has to do with self-reflection. You have to figure out who you are in order to write about yourself well. You have to figure out what you really want in order to maximize the efficacy of your searches. And if something isn’t working for you, you can often help yourself by asking yourself tough questions.

However, such introspection can become problematic when actual outside people enter the picture, such as on the first date. Chances are, you’re still worried about yourself: the impression you’re making, how much to talk about your past, whether you have anything interesting to talk about if there’s a lull in the conversation. Plus, there are the additional nerves associated with any first date. So guess what’s probably not at the forefront of your mind?

Your date. Or more specifically, what your date is saying.

It can be easy to forget to switch the focus from ourselves to our potential match, but it’s vital to the health and potential success of the date itself. Consider: if you’re focused on your match, you’re probably less nervous, because you’re paying attention to what they have to say instead of whatever you’re obsessing about. As you relax, you’re probably more natural and attractive.

When you’re actually paying attention to the conversation, it’s much easier to have a back-and-forth. You aren’t casting about in your mind for conversation topics as much, because you’re simply following the natural flow of the conversation. There are fewer awkward silences. And since you’re focused on your date, it’s much easier to get a sense of whether you’re actually compatible. When you’re wrapped up in your head, your judgment is much more suspect.

Finally, there’s the most basic of reasons to focus on your date: it’s polite and respectful. Your date is probably just as nervous as you are; they’ve probably gone over conversation topics in their own head too. Giving each other the respect you both deserve is the perfect way to get a relationship going on the right foot.

So next time you go on a first date, don’t fret too much about your hair or the million tiny what-ifs that could go wrong. Instead, focus on listening and responding to your date - it’s the simplest, and best, way to get the ball rolling.

When it comes to the first date, one phrase that might leap to mind is “dress to impress.” However, while we all want to make a great first impression, perhaps literally “impressing” isn’t the goal we want to strive for. It may seem a small, even insignificant difference to quibble over, but let’s consider what images the two words conjure up, and the differences between them.

What do we think about when we think about impressing someone? We’d definitely want to be dressed nicely, perhaps even a little glamorous or formal. As for the venue, it might be something very fancy - a nice restaurant, the opera - or maybe something very dramatic, like fantastic seats to a rock concert or baseball game. Maybe it’s not something necessarily expensive, but creative, like an elaborate picnic in the most picturesque locale. Time, money - either way, something has been spent to create a dazzling effect.

Now, obviously, not many people are going to be going quite that extreme on their first date. However, the mindset can still reflect the ideal. Maybe they’re pushing their budget a little, or acting slightly different in an effort to appear worldly. The problem with this approach is two-fold: first, they’re not truly being themselves, and thus making it more difficult to determine their compatibility with their date. Secondly, when someone is focused on impressing their date, they’re probably not spending as much effort actually listening to their date. A real connection becomes even harder to achieve.

But what about a good first impression? What might we think of then? Well, we tend to think of a more realistic image, but one that is probably more cleaned-up and polite. You want to look good, but not necessarily glamorous or over-the-top. You’re putting your “best face forward,” but it’s still yours, not that of someone you’re striving to be. The venue is less important, because we tend to think of a person as making a first impression, not staging an impressive event. And because you might subconsciously be more aware of your manners, you might even be a better listener and more conscientious date than usual.

It’s quite possible that your personal impressions of the two phrases are quite different; however, it doesn’t hurt to ask yourself what imagery you do have in your head when you prepare for a first date. Are you subconsciously trying to impress, or make a good first impression? Perhaps thinking it over might make the difference between a night of unnecessary stress and pressure, and one in which you can relax and focus on making a connection.