Tips

Have you gone through a painful break-up? Chances are, you want to take some time off from romance before you start dating again. It takes time to heal, as well as a lot of self-love and acceptance of being on your own. Grief, pain, and anger are not easy emotions to process.

Sometimes we divert our emotional struggles by hooking up with random strangers, or jumping into the next relationship right away, before we’ve had a chance to process our feelings and move to a healthier emotional place. This is especially hurtful if your ex moves on quickly – making you feel like he “got over you” without effort while you are still struggling.

Rest assured, you are not alone. Your ex might be hiding his feelings behind another relationship where he will likely make the same mistakes. Don’t try to copy him. Your life is your own, and it’s up to you to claim it for yourself.

If you’re looking to start dating again, here are some tips to help you:

Take your time. Break-ups are difficult and emotional – don’t assume you can move on effortlessly into your next relationship without taking some time to decompress, let go, and embrace your single life. We all must learn to love ourselves before we can love someone else. Don’t mask your pain with jumping into the next exciting encounter, hoping to avoid your own grief. It’s okay to grieve. You owe it to yourself to process your feelings and move on to a healthier relationship.

Know Your Own Needs. When you’ve been in a relationship long enough, you may start to confuse your wants and needs with your partner’s. Or perhaps you’ve been a couple for so long you don’t even know yourself as an independent person anymore. Now is the time to shift your thinking – to be selfish. To try new things, see what you love. This is the way to discover what it is you’re really looking for – to look outside of a relationship first.

Spend time with friends. Friends help remind us of who we are, and provide a safe place to fall. Don’t be afraid to reach out, your friends will be there for you.

Have a little fun. If you want to date, it’s time to have a good perspective about the process. It can be grueling and defeating at times, but it can also be surprising and joyful. This is the time to head in to it with no expectations – to learn about other people, to see what dating is about, to have a little fun. Don’t take it seriously, and don’t look for a relationship right away. Again, this is the perfect time to experiment - take your time, and enjoy the ride.

Here’s the scenario: you’ve been dating an incredible guy – kind, funny, smart – and it seems the two of you have hit it off. You imagined your future relationship – taking vacations, moving in together. You’re smitten, and it seems he is, too. However, he told you that he broke up with his girlfriend a couple of weeks before you met. He claims he’s over her and wants to see where your new relationship is headed, but you have your doubts.

His confession has put a damper on your relationship, or at least how you feel about it. Maybe he’s telling the truth – that he has moved on – but you have a nagging sense that you might be a rebound for him.

How do you know for sure? Are there signs?

The development of any relationship can be tricky – there are no guarantees, which is why you have to take your chances from time to time if you feel the desire to be with someone, to see where the relationship goes no matter what. This could be one of those times to take the risk and put your heart out there – it is up to you to decide.

While it’s important to throw caution to the wind, it’s also good to pay attention to warning signs. Here’s how to tell that he might not be over his ex:

He pushes your relationship forward faster than you want. There’s nothing wrong with a man who is excited about you. But if he wants to charge ahead when you would rather take things a bit more slowly, he might be avoiding his own grieving process. Every broken relationship requires healing time – he might have done this while he was in the relationship, but maybe not. If he’s serious about you, he will respect your timeline without feeling the need to get serious so quickly.

He is hot and cold. Does he sweep you off your feet one day, and retreat into silence the next? If you have a hard time keeping track of his moods or when you can reach him, he’s obviously distracted. This likely means he’s still dealing with the pain of losing his old relationship, or that he is scared to move on to a new one with you – and possibly get hurt again.

He is set in his relationship ways. It might be difficult to notice right away, but pay attention to his habits when you are with him – for instance, does he communicate with you, or just tell you what he wants to happen? Does he criticize your taste in decorating or how you cook because it is different from what he’s “used to?” Does he assume you want to do the things he wants to do? If he is already carving out your place in the relationship, it’s a red flag that he is trying to recreate his past relationship. Start from a new place and compromise, or consider that he might not be ready for a relationship.

Dating is basically one long exercise in uncertainty and second-guessing.

First you have to talk to someone, which can be scary for all kinds of obvious reasons. Then you have to actually ask them on a date, which... ditto. Then you have to figure out where to have that date, then you have to actually go on the date, and... you get the picture.

But there is some good news. It doesn't all have to be hard. If you've been wondering what the best places for a first date are, dating app Clover has some answers for you. Clover analyzed data from 200,000 of its users to find out where people like to go on first dates and put their findings in an infographic.

It turns out Clover users are creatures of habit. The list is filled with chains – from coffee shops, to fast food joints, to casual restaurants. At the top of the list (probably not surprising anyone) is Starbucks, which proved to be both the most popular first date site of all and also a high scorer with all three age groups surveyed (18 to 24, 25 to 34, and 35-plus).

Rounding out the top ten are Chipotle, Panera Bread, The Cheesecake Factory, Texas Roadhouse, Buffalo Wild Wings, Olive Garden, Chili's, In-N-Out and, in the 10^th spot, Applebee's. Could you feel your arteries harden as you read that?

“We were surprised to see most people choosing to meet at coffee shops and casual restaurants for their first dates,” said Clover CEO Isaac Raichyk in a press release. “We expected fine dining, bars, and nightclubs to rank much higher, but clearly people want to meet in a relaxed environment.”

To which I say – duh. There's an insane amount of pressure on a first date to begin with, why make it worse with a pricey steak dinner? It's not at all surprising that people prefer comfortable, familiar, low-stress places for first dates.

Perhaps slightly more surprising is the fact that no one seems to think bars are good first date options. It seems like a logical choice, but both men and women put it as their least-preferred option. Instead men favored restaurants while women favored coffee shops.

Getting roaring drunk on a first date is never a good idea, so it makes sense to put bars last. As to the gender divide between restaurants and coffee shops, Bustle speculated that men choose bigger restaurants because they want to impress their dates, while women opt for coffee because it's low-key and easy to cut short if a date isn't going well.

Let's not sugar coat this: there few things worse than the end of a relationship. If you breakup with your SO, find out your goldfish died, and then realize you've run out of ice cream, then yes, you're having a truly terrible day and have my deepest sympathies.

But barring that unexpected car crash of unfortunate events, a breakup is about as bad as it gets. Being in a relationship takes a lot of effort, even if it isn't a very long one, and at the end it feels like your energy is totally tapped out. Then you think about the fact that you have to start the process all over again with someone new, and becomes twice as exhausting.

People don't just hop up and run marathons. They train, slowly, until they're in good enough shape – both mentally and physically – to take on the challenge.

Adopt the same strategy for your post-breakup plan. There's no rush, but you do need to put conscious effort into the process or you'll never cross the finish line. Here are 3 exercises to add to your breakup personal training program:

1. Spend time dating yourself. After the chaos of a breakup, you need peace, quiet, and time to regroup. It's easy to lose sight of who you are in a relationship that isn't working, so use this time to recover your sense of self. Treat yourself to the things you love, whether it's brunch, bike rides, cooking classes, or trips to museums. The goal is to remember how great your own company is and regain a solid idea of yourself as a single individual. Once you've got that down, you'll be ready to let another person in and feel more confident about doing it.
2. Find the fun in flirting. If you're just getting out of a relationship, your flirting muscles probably haven't been exercised in a while. They're bound to be a little stiff, and as the marathon runner from earlier knows, stiff muscles need to be carefully stretched. When you have the opportunity to put your flirty feelers out, do it. Don't expect anything in return – being overly attached to a specific outcome is a good way to set yourself up for failure – just enjoy the fun of working muscles that have been dormant.
3. Be social. Ben & Jerry are good dates for a limited amount of time, but pretty soon they'll be hurting instead of helping. Grab your friends and get out, whatever “out” means to you. It can be an afternoon of picnicking in a park or a wild night of partying – either one, or anything in between, is helpful as long as you're putting yourself in social situations. Bonus points if you start talking to strangers in addition to your friends.

Suddenly 26 miles doesn't seem so hard, does it?

Luckily, we live in the age of technology – so if you forgot to make plans for Valentine’s Day (and unfortunately it lands on a Saturday this year) – you might want to look to the app store for help.

If you are looking for a last-minute gift or card, here are some apps to try:

Red Stamp Cards - Need a thoughtful Valentine's Day card in a hurry? Snap a photo and you can quickly create a unique card for your Valentine with this free app. Cards can be tweeted, texted, emailed or posted to Instagram and Facebook.

BloomThat - If you forgot to order flowers and the local grocery store’s selection looks a little tired, this app can help you out of a last-minute problem. (And they can deliver their hand-crafted bouquets via bicycle in under 90 minutes, as opposed to florists where there is an 8-hour delivery window.) For iPhone users only.

Valentine’s Day can stir up a lot of emotion for singles. The holiday is pervasive –there’s the mountain of chocolates and pink hearts on display when you walk into your local grocery store, not to mention the bouquets and presents being delivered to your work colleagues as they squeal in delight.

Maybe you wonder: why is it that a Hallmark-manufactured holiday is still around, making couples spend money they don’t have and making singles feel like uninvited party guests? Sure, some people are now calling February 14^th “Singles Awareness day,” but does that really help the situation?

There are a few ways to buck the holiday – or at least, try to have some fun in spite of it. Instead of getting frustrated or venting with your friends about your single V-Day, try one or some of these to have a little fun:

Throw a party with your friends. There’s nothing stopping you from celebrating Valentine’s Day without a romantic partner. Why not acknowledge the love you have for your group of friends? They have been there through it all, so it’s good to recognize this. Grab some fondue, some wine and cheese and make it a night to celebrate!

Take a spa day. Why should couples have all the romantic fun? Treat yourself to a little TLC and splurge for a massage – maybe throw in a scrub or a facial, too. The point is – pamper yourself. There’s no reason you can’t have love for yourself on Valentine’s Day.

Host a dinner. If you’re not into throwing an informal party, invite a few friends over and try your hand at cooking a fabulous meal. If you’re not a chef, then see if one of your friends wants to pitch in or pick up some food from your favorite local spot. Then serve in fancy dishes around your table to make the night special. The point is to cultivate love.

Call a friend who’s far away. Not really feeling social? That’s okay, too. But if you choose to spend the night at home watching rom-coms in your pajamas, it might make you feel worse. Try calling your old friend who you talk to maybe once every couple of years. There’s nothing more meaningful than telling someone how much they mean to you, no matter how far away.

Volunteer. Valentine’s Day is a good time to acknowledge how much we have in our lives, and to share love with others. Do you love dogs? Try walking them at a local shelter. If you want to work with people, try reading to kids at your library. There are lots of opportunities if you look around you. In fact, everyone should look into this for Valentine’s Day, whether or not they are in a relationship.

The point of Valentine’s Day is to spread love, right? So let’s start with it in our own lives.