Dating

The holidays are upon us. It can be a stressful time, but with it comes a fair bit of revelry - holiday parties, New Year’s celebrations, vacation time. For many, it represents an end to a stressful season and a time to blow off steam.

It’s also a time of year in which many turn to online dating with renewed vigor. We’ve already discussed that one should carefully weigh whether the holidays are personally the right time to start dating; let’s assume that the holidays are not extra stressful and that one simply wants to take a bit of their extra free time to write a great profile and start lining up dates. However, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t still aspects of holiday dating to watch out for.

First and foremost, there’s alcohol. Alcohol exists year-round, but holiday celebrations are particularly cheer-heavy, from spiked punch and eggnog to champagne. Add in the holiday revelry and you have a recipe for rash decisions. Many might focus on the “upsides” - lessened inhibitions leading to more immediate “connections” - but they don’t always think of the possible downsides, like embarrassing speeches you don’t intend to make or a miscalculation leading to a vomit-filled evening. For some adults, the holidays are their equivalent of a college Spring Break. Try not to make the same mistakes the kids do.

It’s also important to weigh your motivation for online dating. Are you actually looking for the potential of a long-term relationship, or are you looking for someone to be with on New Year’s Eve? If it’s the former, the holidays might make it harder to sort through the party noise and find someone who wants the same. Similarly, a date at a holiday party might not be the way to really get to know someone and determine whether you’re compatible. If you’re just looking for someone to party with, that’s fine too - just make sure your motivations are clear, so no feelings are hurt.

The holidays can be a time to unwind from the stress of the year, and maybe even reevaluate priorities and create new beginnings. While signing up for an online dating site can certainly be such a new beginning, there’s no rush or rule that says you have to find love immediately. While holiday fun can be a blast, just make sure you’re signing up for the type of fun you want - all the better to start the new year off on the right foot.

The holidays are a time for joyful gatherings and tidings of good cheer, right? Well, not for everyone.

It's also the time of year when many hearts are broken. In fact, most break-ups occur around the holidays. The hurt can be devastating, whether you were part of a long-term couple or even if you'd just started dating and suddenly were abandoned with no explanation or reason why. But no matter how deep and lasting your ties, breaking up over the holidays when everyone around you seems happy and thankful can be a bit overwhelming. You might be tempted to hole up in your room and not come out until January second.

While this move isn't practical, broken hearts do have to be treated with care. Instead of pasting on a smile and going about your holidays as though nothing is wrong, I suggest you take care of yourself by doing the following:

Pamper yourself. Remember that birthday coupon for a massage you got a few months ago? Now is the time to use it. If a mani/pedi is more your style, then make an appointment. Treat yourself to a new hairstyle. You get the picture. Do something for yourself - whether it's relaxing or lifting your spirits.

Call an old friend. Sometimes it helps to reconnect with someone you haven't spoken to in a while - someone who was your best friend or confidant at another time in your life. Find out what's going on with him/her, and share your own story. It can help to talk with someone who has seen you through good times and bad, and loves you for exactly who you are.

Make plans with single friends. Maybe you've been hanging out with a lot of couples, but now is the time to connect with single friends. They can be a great boost, especially if they are really social and get you out of the house and doing fun things. Try not to spend your time downing cocktails and bashing exes - instead, give a toast to your friendship and being there for each other.

Exercise. Sometimes, nothing helps a broken heart like a few extra endorphins. Something about exercising can clear your head, help you focus, and also miraculously lift your spirits. So instead of vegging out in front of the TV all weekend watching romantic comedies, try going for a run at the gym or ice skating at a local outdoor rink. Just get moving.

Give thanks. This might sound cheesy, but it works. Make a list of everything you currently have in your life that you're grateful for. It can be something as small as the banana nut muffins you ate for breakfast or as big as having your sister in your life who always has your back. Reflecting on the good things you have right now really helps put things in perspective and guides you out of heartbreak.

Are you online dating, wondering how to juggle your holiday schedule? Or have you met someone great, but you're not sure whether or not to bring her to your office holiday party or family gathering?

The holiday season can be stressful, because there is so much going on and expectations can run a little higher than usual. Remember not to put pressure on yourself or any budding relationships - after all, if this were May instead of December, would you be pushing her to meet your family? Probably not.

Remember to relax, sit back, and enjoy yourself. Following are some tips to keep you on track.

No expensive gifts. If you just started dating, then you might want to hold off on purchasing that iPad mini for your love - no matter how smitten you might be. Don't look to impress because it's the holiday season. Besides, your date doesn't want you to give him an iPad when all he gave you was a scarf. And if you just started dating, you might want to consider having a conversation about not exchanging gifts at all.

Mix things up. This is a great time of year to avoid your typical dinner and drinks date. Instead, offer to take her sledding, ice skating under the stars, or strolling through the neighborhoods that go all-out with their Christmas decorations. There are plenty of great options if you just look.

Careful with family invitations. Maybe your parents are excited to meet the new guy you've been talking about, but is the holiday season the best time to introduce him? It might put unnecessary pressure and expectations on your relationship. Save the introductions until you've been dating a while, and bring him home to mom and dad when you're both ready.

Don't expect an invitation in return. If you decided to invite your new love to your family gatherings and office holiday parties, don't be upset if he doesn't return the favor. Relationships move at their own pace, and shouldn't be dictated by a holiday schedule. Don't put so much pressure on yourself or your date.

Take things slow. Are you dating more than one guy this season? Have they both asked you to holiday parties and family dinners? Maybe it's time to take a step back. Instead of trying to juggle your commitments, let your dates know that you're not ready for anything serious or to meet the family. Just spend time dating each man and get to know them better, as you would any other time of year. Don't feel pressured to make a commitment just because of the holidays. Take your time, relax, and enjoy.

Imagine: a first date between “Sam” and “Alex.” Sam and Alex are sitting together enjoying drinks and appetizers; however, their internal monologues are miles away from each other.

Sam is still mentally trying to catch her breath. Traffic on the way home from work was terrible; she took the fastest shower known to man and the underside of her hair is still damp. She was able to pull herself together on time, but as she sat down at the table she realized she forgot to brush her teeth. Now she’s fervently hoping there isn’t anything in her smile she should be embarrassed about, and trying to wait for a moment to rush to the restroom that doesn’t seem too soon.

Alex is naturally shy and a little awkward. He’s spending most of his time mentally dissecting everything he’s just said, and inwardly punishing himself over it. That joke wasn’t even funny - she was giving him a pity laugh! He was too loud when he gave his order to the waitress! He just accidentally drank some water the wrong way, and tried to give a casual, delicate cough instead of the gasping and flailing he was doing mentally. Did she notice?

In truth, no, she didn’t notice, because she just realized she’d buttoned her shirt incorrectly in her frenzied tornado of preparation. She just had to get to the restroom and straighten herself out! Maybe then she could relax.

It’s twelve minutes into the conversation. Aside from the initial confirmation that yes, this is the person whose profile they enjoyed, each party has been more concerned with their own shortcomings than worrying about the other person. And that’s how it is for many people - we tend to be self-centered, quick to judge ourselves much more harshly than we would someone else.

If either Sam or Alex could relax, perhaps they could draw their date into the moment as well; so far it’s been two people who are mentally a million miles away. And perhaps they still will; once Sam gets back from pulling herself together and Alex’s adrenaline ebbs. But a chunk of their time together will have been effectively wasted.

As you go out on your first dates, bear Sam and Alex in mind. Don’t stress too much about your initial impression. If you’re nervous, your date is likely even more so, or even just preoccupied with something else (did they leave the hairdryer plugged in?). Nervous, quizzical small talk doesn’t do much to turn the evening around; relaxed, easy, friendly conversation does. And if you can keep yourself together and out of your own head, you’re already halfway there.

I spent a few days in Chicago and was reminded that in many parts of the country, fall is brief and winter comes around when you least suspect it. One day you are enjoying a nice afternoon in the park, the next the wind is nipping at you and you find yourself searching frantically for your heavy coat.

So how do you plan for a great date with all of this crazy and unpredictable weather?

While dating in good weather is an ideal situation because you can take advantage of the outdoors, cold weather offers a lot of opportunities that you might not even think about. Before you make plans for drinks, dinner, or a movie, consider some of these date alternatives:

Visit an art gallery. Maybe you can't enjoy a nice hike or the beach, but there's plenty of culture to be found in every city. Check out a neighborhood you haven't visited much to see about local galleries, or if your city has an artwalk, then check it out with a date.

Take a cooking class together. Nothing is more romantic than cooking for each other. In this case, learning how to make a new dish together in the comfort of a warm kitchen.

Painting parties. Getting together with other singles for a glass of wine and a blank canvas might seem intimidating, but it's a great and different way to break the ice with your date (so to speak). Don't worry, you don't have to be Monet, you just have to be able to hold a paintbrush. Painting parties are happening across the country - check your local listings for dates and times.

Improv/comedy theatres. Instead of a movie, try supporting your local theatre instead. Many cities offer a stand-up night at certain clubs, or have a theatre dedicated to improv comedy troupes for very reasonable prices.

Check out local festivals and events. Cold weather offers some interesting opportunities, like beer tasting and bratwurst, or nighttime hayrides, or perhaps a harvest festival with food, warm cocktails, and music. Check local listings for events near you.

Pick a museum. Has it been a while since you visited the Natural History or contemporary arts museum? Chances are, they aren't high on your must-see list when the weather is nice. But winter months are perfect for museum tours, and offer you an active date (strolling through exhibitions) rather than a passive date like ordering drinks at the bar.

Enjoy the season!

As we near the end of the year, prepare for tons of messages stating that now is the time to be impulsive. Whether it’s because of the supposed impending apocalypse that likely won’t happen or just the typical “go crazy on New Year’s!” message, now is apparently the time to shake things up.

Personally, I’m not one who likes to set change by a clock - isn’t that a bit counter-intuitive, anyway? - and I’m not much for New Year’s resolutions, either. Still, I can appreciate the sentiment behind it: if you can easily point to several areas in your life you feel you need to improve, there’s no time like the present to get on it - whenever the present may be.

I’m also not one for the concept of impulsivity; while impulsive acts can lead to positive change, they can just as often lead to injury or the inability to face one’s coworkers ever again. So instead of taking the simple concept of impulsiveness at face value, let’s think about the “good twin” instead: bravery.

After all, when people talk about being daring or impulsive, they’re really talking about bravery. They don’t really mean you should scale that building while drunk because it seems like a good idea; they mean you should talk to that attractive person you’ve been too shy to approach. They don’t mean you should suddenly gamble your life savings at blackjack; they mean you should finally work up the nerve to stand up for your great ideas at work. Bravery means overcoming the fear that’s holding you back, not the common sense.

So perhaps we can incorporate a little bravery into our dating lives - not because it’s the end of the year, but because there’s no time like the present to start. We can approach people in public, or take the step to make that dating profile once and for all. A little extra bravery can help you increase your self-confidence; it can make you strong enough to ask for help when you need it. It’s something strong, enduring, and actually nothing like the fleeting, wild, ill-thought moments of impulsivity.

So as the year comes to a close and you’re inundated with messages urging you to do something crazy and impulsive, make a well-thought plan to do something brave instead. Even if you’re like me and not one to do things by the calendar, it can’t hurt to start the new year with something to be proud of, instead of something to regret.