Dating

Almost everyone who’s met someone through an online dating site has some version of this story:

“I was on a first date with someone new, and we hadn’t spotted each other yet. I saw them before they saw me. When they finally realized who I was, I saw their face fall, plain as day. Apparently I wasn’t as attractive as they’d hoped, even though I felt I’d been honest with my profile pics. Anyway, the rest of the date was ruined. I was terribly self-conscious, and I felt like my personality was being silently judged - would I be ‘good enough’ to overcome my physical deficit - so of course that only made me feel worse. What a waste of time.”

Yes, it’s a tale we’ve heard or experienced before. But what’s interesting is that almost everyone also has some version of this tale:

“I was meeting someone for the first time - it’s always hard to recognize someone in person, even when you’ve seen a picture - and they found me first. Right from the moment they said hello, it felt like something was off, so I don’t know what I could have done to prompt such a cool reception. It was so strange - online they were so bright, lively and engaging. In person they were cold, dull and distant. I did my best to carry on but it cast a chill over the whole date. They looked more or less like their picture, but the personality was completely different from the profile.”

These two stories could very well be two sides of the same date. In short, we place far too much emphasis on the first moment we lay eyes on each other - for better or for worse. We’ve clearly liked the profile of our date well enough to want to meet, but we’re still meeting for the first time on that first date; are we really expecting our date will fall for us at first sight? How many people have you instantly loved?

Rather than reading too much into the first flicker of an expression, we need to consider the date as a whole - especially once you’ve gotten into good conversation. But we’ll never make it that far if we’re obsessed with what our date is thinking; in fact, if we’re too wrapped up in that we’re probably not even listening to the conversation.

The fastest way to doom a first date is to decide it’s already doomed. Sure, everyone has dates that get off on the wrong foot, and everyone has dates where there’s just no mutual chemistry. The question is, are you naturally incompatible with your date, or did you create a self-fulfilling prophecy based on nothing more than a facial twitch?

Divorce isn't an easy thing to go through. It can leave you feeling vulnerable and lonely, especially if you'd been growing apart from your former spouse for a while. It can also make you afraid to move forward in your love life. How do you decide when you're ready to date again, and what will it be like?

There's no doubt it takes time to heal, so if you're recently divorced it's good to give yourself a break and don't jump into a new relationship head-first. Also, if you have children to consider you might want to take things slowly before you introduce someone new into their lives. (And you might also prepare yourself - you'll likely be dating people who have children and busy schedules themselves.)

So how do you go about dating, or deciding whether you're ready for a new relationship? Everyone is different, so it's important to know yourself and what feels right for you. Following are some tips on getting back out there:

Take time to heal. Resist the urge to start dating because you're lonely. Maybe your kids are out of the house and it feels empty, but this isn't a good reason to form a new relationship. It's important to get to know yourself first, outside of who you are as a partner. Try a new hobby or sport that has always interested you. Make new friends who are single. Take baby steps to try and craft a new life for yourself that feels good to you.

Dip your toe in the dating pool first. I have a recently divorced friend who has been married twice and has had several long-term relationships. And after every break-up, he finds a new relationship almost immediately, throwing himself into his lover's life, only to have it end again. Instead of going straight to the next relationship, I think it's important to take a break. Give yourself a chance to grieve your divorce and understand what you really want. Then when you're ready, sign up for an online dating site and start going on dates with more than one person.

Be honest with your dates about where you are. Keep your options open, and let your dates know you're not ready for exclusivity. There's no need to jump into anything. It's important to be alone as well as to be with someone else, so let yourself have that experience.

Date outside your type. I know most of us have a type that we are attracted to - whether it's the dark-haired emotionally unavailable type or the blonde, reserved and non-communicative type. If you find yourself gravitating towards someone who reminds you of your ex, it's probably a good idea to take a step back and evaluate. Don't repeat old patterns. Date someone you would normally not consider, and see how it goes. Now is the time to experiment!

Take it slow. Dating is different for everyone. Don't feel pressured to act or move forward according to some kind of timeline of what "should" happen or what your date wants. Dating isn't a race, it's a process. If you're not ready for a relationship, or to sleep with your date, don't feel that something is wrong. Pay attention to your own timeline and go with what feels right to you.

The scenario: You've been on a fantastic date with someone you find incredibly attractive. You both flirted, kissed, talked with each other all night - you know that there was a spark between you. So, you send him a text telling him what a great time you had, expecting another date to follow. Then there's silence.

After a few hours, then a few days, you start to panic. You wonder if something happened to him, if he got busy with work, or there was a family emergency - because there's no way he wouldn't call to ask you out again! You were both on the date, and there was chemistry between you. So why isn't he calling?

While it may surprise you that you're not hearing back, it's not uncommon. Not every fabulous date leads to another, which can be hurtful and make us cynical about love. But instead of racking your brain trying to make excuses for him or figure out what went wrong, the answer is typically clearer than we think. Following are five reasons he didn't call you:

He's not that interested. Remember the book and movie "He's Just Not that Into You?" Well, it's very true for the most part. Men know what they like, and when they are interested, they pursue. Some dates can be fun, but that doesn't mean he felt the same way you did. There's no shame in that. It's best to stop making assumptions about what should happen next and move on.

He's seeing other people. Some guys have trouble figuring out what they want, so they end up dating several women at once. This isn't a bad thing, after all, you just met. Both of you should be dating a lot of people. Instead of figuring out what his intentions or motivations are, try focusing on your own dating life. Schedule more dates, meet more people. If you reconnect, great - and if not, then you are moving on anyway.

Your expectations didn't match his. Maybe you thought it was an incredible date, and that you deserve a chance at being his girlfriend. Maybe you envisioned your romantic future together - a proposal, or some exotic getaways. Don't place such huge expectations on someone after a first date. Remember, you don't know him yet. You have no idea if he's boyfriend material, or if he wants to be. Even if there's chemistry, take things slowly at the beginning so you can get to know each other. If he drops out of the picture, that's all you need to know about him.

He met someone else. This happens often, especially when you're online dating. It's so easy to meet new people, he could have moved on to the next woman an hour after dropping you off. You don't know what's going on in his life, but if he's not interested enough to call you, then let him go.

He doesn't want a relationship. Some men take a while to get over an ex-girlfriend. He might want to hook up with you, but he doesn't want another relationship, at least for a while. Or perhaps he's focused on work and doesn't want to make time for a relationship. Either way, he's not relationship material.

Try not to take it personally. It's easy to wonder what you did wrong, but most of the time, it's not about you. If a man is interested and ready to pursue a relationship, he will. In the meantime, don't chase the wrong ones.

This conversation was observed recently: a man looked at his phone, then sighed loudly. “I can’t believe I haven’t gotten a response yet,” he complained to his companion. “I texted her ten minutes ago.”

“Maybe she’s in another room and hasn’t read it yet,” offered the companion.

The man scoffed. “What is this, the eighteenth century? But no, she’s read it, the phone tells me that it was seen. The question wasn’t that difficult. I can’t believe she’d just ignore me. She does this all the time, too. In fact, last time -” He cut off in mid-sentence as his phone chimed. “There!” he exclaimed. “She says she was in her car and couldn’t text while driving.” He and his companion were silent. Finally, the man spoke. “At least she had a good reason,” he said.

If you think the man was being bratty and boorish, you’re not alone. However, we’re all guilty of a little of that behavior, especially when it comes to waiting for responses to first-contact emails. When we send off a message - particularly to someone we’re interested in - it’s not uncommon to sit there, drumming our metaphorical (or literal) fingers, hoping we’ll get an answer immediately.

When we don’t get an immediate response, our thoughts would probably be embarrassing if we spoke them aloud. “Why haven’t I heard anything yet? It’s already the evening! Everyone’s off work now!” “It’s been several hours already!” We can get anxious, cranky, even angry before the sun has set. Children are often expected to have more self-control.

When that poor woman texted the man back with a perfectly legitimate excuse, I was actually disappointed - because she didn’t owe the man an explanation. When it comes to social matters, no one should be tied to their phone or email, forced to respond immediately. If the woman was busy knitting, watching a TV show or just didn’t feel like interacting with other humans, those reasons ought to be equally “good.”

So remember that when you’re waiting for a response to a dating query, particularly on sites that let you know if your message has been seen or the person has logged in. We have no idea about the life of the person we’ve contacted; we don’t know their schedule. Maybe they’re tired at the end of the day. Maybe they want to wait until they’re in a good mood before they respond. Maybe they want time to construct just the right response. Whatever the reason, it’s theirs and it’s legitimate; though we may be impatient, we have self-control and can surely wait without a childish meltdown.

Think Tinder is only about hooking up? Not so much. The app is now venturing outside of being a dating app and into the friend zone.

The latest version of Tinder (on the iPhone) keeps the same basic functionality of choosing each potential date based on a photo and a few bits of information gleaned from Facebook. But this time, you aren't just rating a date, but a potential friend - also with one swipe. Once you and your platonic interest have selected each other as friends, you can add each other to your "friend" list and be able to chat via Tinder. (I'm guessing you can swap notes on people you are hooking up with.)

The list feature in the latest version of the app allows users to customize according to how they want to categorize the people they've approved/ met over Tinder. Maybe according to city where they live, hair color, or height? If you are spending a lot of time meeting people on Tinder, it's a good way to keep everyone straight.

Another addition to 3.0 is the ability to add up to six profile photos, so you don't have to rely on just one to prove how hot you might be. (All photos are visible at the same time, so you don't have to worry about which one potential matches will see first.) Tinder has also improved its algorithms so that you end up with more accurate potential matches.

Founder Sean Rad told website TechCrunch that "eventually, Tinder will create automatic, dynamic lists for users, based on its relevancy algorithm and user preferences, location and interests." In other words, Tinder will notice where you are and who you are interested in (and for what purpose - dating, friendship, work, etc.) and become smarter about sending you matches based on your past swiping preferences.

But the ability to distinguish your Tinder contacts into categories that suit your life - dating, work, or friendship - is a huge breakthrough according to Rad.

"You have certain co-workers, acquaintances, and whatnot, and it would be socially awkward if you added them on Facebook," Rad says in TechCrunch. For instance, if you were to come across a co-worker or colleague on Tinder, you could swipe right and be added to each other's business contact or friends list. It replaces the Facebook dilemna of whether or not to add someone when there isn't much of a personal connection - and perhaps there are some things you post that you don't want them to see. "That's the breakthrough with Tinder," he adds. "That signal has been gone until now."

Everyone agrees that dating requires a lot of confidence. However, ending an old relationship - no matter the circumstances - can drain you of confidence rather quickly. If your last relationship wasn’t “successful,” you think, why should the next one be? What if the last several relationships haven’t worked out - is there a pattern? What should you do?

There’s nothing wrong with a little self-reflection; indeed, it’s possible that in the past there was a negative pattern in the relationships you chose. But self-reflection is not the same as beating yourself up, nor should it be. Sometimes relationships simply end. Often there’s fault on both ends. The fact remains, whatever the circumstances, you will never be in that exact relationship again.

Think about that statement: Every relationship is unique, a combination of two unique individuals and a very specific time and place, so you will never be in that exact relationship again. Thus, you can take away a lesson you’ve learned, but you will not be able to use that relationship as a template for the future. It doesn’t matter if the next relationship is your first or your fiftieth; everyone enters the game with varying communication skills, innate intuition and experience, but to a certain extent, everyone is also starting fresh, with a clean slate.

Your new partner is an entirely different person, and you may need to learn new methods of communication or affection. You’ll form new jokes and new familiarities. Some aspects may be similar to past experiences, but others will be utterly new.

That’s the key to dating: starting back at the beginning is not bad, nor is it a sign of failure. It’s a fresh start, a new chance at love, the beginning of a unique experience. And perhaps most importantly, you’re not alone in doing so: everyone who’s ever been in any relationship, including all successful ones, started at the beginning. Regardless of the way your last relationship ended, that’s worthy of hope, optimism, and, yes, confidence.