Communication

Most of us are at least familiar with social media like Facebook, Twitter, FourSquare, and the like. Many of us have accounts and check them on a regular basis. Some of us keep privacy settings high while others put themselves out there to gain a larger client and networking base. Some feel compelled to post constantly - where they are going for dinner or what they just said to a work colleague, while others prefer to post only occasionally with meaningful advice or news.

We all perceive social media in different ways and use it for different reasons. This is why it can get tricky when you incorporate dating into your virtual mix.

Obviously, there are a lot of opportunities for connecting with other singles over social media. But reaching out to people virtually comes with risk. How do you feel about potential dates - and strangers - knowing so much about you through Facebook or Twitter before you even meet face to face?

Following are a few basic guidelines to remember when dealing with social media and dating:

Don't be afraid to connect. There are many dating tools that utilize the power of Facebook to connect you with people in your social circles that you don't necessarily know. Check out CoffeeMeetsBagel or TheDatable if you want to promote your other single Facebook friends in the dating pool. These apps are selective about the information shared, limited to your likes and profile photos.

Know your privacy settings. You don't have to make your social media posts public to everyone. It's important to know your privacy settings, especially on Facebook or Google+ where you can customize by post or picture. It's good to be aware of how you present yourself online to people who don't know anything about you. This goes not only for dating, but also for your career.

Don't post rants about your dates. Think about it - if you were interested in someone, friended him on Facebook, and then saw posts about how terrible his last five dates were, you might reconsider asking him out. Try not to scare off potential dates by making them think you'll write about them, too. Keep your dating life discussions limited to in-person gatherings with your friends.

Exchange numbers first. While it might seem easier to connect on Facebook and drop a casual message to someone you just met at a party, it's better to exchange phone numbers. When you let someone into your Facebook world too soon, they have access to all kind of information - your exes, where you went to school, those party pics from last weekend. People often draw inaccurate conclusions quickly. Instead, keep a little mystery and send a text instead. Friend him later.

Part of the appeal of online dating is the ability to suss out a prospective match before you actually meet in person. We scan for red flags in online profiles and in emails; we might even attempt to do an internet search once we have a real-life name. We have extra time in which to make decisions (such as accepting or asking for a first date), and we value that time.

However, perhaps we shouldn’t drag our feet too much. While there’s nothing wrong with looking for red flags, particularly if you’re nervous about online dating in general, all that extra decision-making time isn’t always useful. Consider:

Spending too much time in back-and-forth communication before the first date might muddle the waters rather than clarify them. The chemistry of a pair of pen pals is completely different from that of a romantic couple. It’s entirely possible that you could get along smashingly via email, but fall flat in person - or vice versa. Thus, if you’re having difficulty deciding how you feel, try exploring why that is; it’s quite possible that you already have more than enough information.

After all, don’t underestimate the importance of the gut feeling. Yes, intuition is best paired with good old-fashioned, well-reasoned logic, but sometimes we forget about what our instincts are telling us. If your potential match seems great, but something inside you warns of danger, there’s nothing wrong with giving it the benefit of the doubt. And if you know you feel confident about accepting a date after one email exchange, you don’t necessarily have to drag it out just to reinforce that gut feeling.

Remember: you make snap judgments about people every day in person. Maybe you’ve gotten along with a co-worker from the very first conversation. Maybe you’ve felt someone was “off” without being able to put a finger on the exact reason. If you met someone with whom you really got along at a bar, would you insist on three more consecutive bar meetings before you gave them your number?

Granted, much of this gut instinct is enhanced in person - your brain is picking up on tiny things that you might not even realize. And that’s all the more reason to get to that first date; that’s where the real assessment happens. All the emailing beforehand is a prolonged introduction; you won’t know anything about your compatibility ‘til that first date. So what are you waiting for?

Imagine you see this while you’re perusing online dating profiles: “I’m ultimately looking for a long-term relationship, but I’m fine with something that is lower-pressure, too. I’m cool with whatever, no expectations or demands.” How would you interpret that statement?

Some might think that the writer of that profile was looking for an attachment-free hookup, a one-night stand. “No expectations or demands” is interpreted to mean “no expectations that this will go anywhere or demands on your time or emotions.” In fact, this is probably the more common interpretation of this statement; most readers will assume that’s what the author means when they’re “cool with whatever.”

However, there’s another possible meaning behind that statement - that instead of feeling the pressure to date and get into a physical relationship, the author is fine with friendship. “No expectations or demands” is meant physically. It’s definitely a less common interpretation, and actually there’s even a third option: that the author is including both possibilities and literally are open to relationships in any form. In this instance, however, “friendship instead of dating” was actually what the author meant when they wrote it! Imagine their surprise when most of the messages they received dealt with one-night stands!

It just goes to show that even the most carefully worded profile can suffer from blind spots. If you’re receiving indications that something isn’t adding up, don’t be afraid to call in friends or family for a second opinion and an extra set of eyes. Perhaps if the author in question had run their profile past someone else, this ambiguous statement would have been caught early on. There’s no need to over-proofread your profile, but if things aren’t going your way, it might help to ask yourself: are you sending the messages you think you are?

Imagine this: you’ve been at work later than usual and at the end of an interminable day, you stagger over to your computer to check whether you have any online dating site messages. To your delight, you do - and it’s not just one, it’s over a dozen! But wait - a second look reveals that all of the messages were sent from the same person. What’s going on? Is this a glitch?

The first one seems innocuous enough - your standard first-contact email. You haven’t looked at the profile of the author yet, but there’s nothing in the email that would deter you from doing so. Curious, you move on to the next message.

“Oh my gosh!” it says. “I completely made a typo back there! You must have thought I’m such a dunce! I hope this doesn’t harm my chances of getting a reply...” You hadn’t actually noticed a typo, so you turn back to the first message. Ah yes, there it was - your brain filled in the proper spelling and you hadn’t even seen it. Still, nice of them to clarify. You jump ahead to the third message.

“...Look, it was just one tiny typo. I can’t believe you’re giving me the silent treatment because I haven’t passed your silly arbitrary test...”

And the next: “You’re not perfect either, you know. On your profile you use a comma when you clearly should have used a semicolon. Jeez, passed junior high English much?...”

The messages continue along this vein, becoming increasingly agitated, aggressive and even abusive. If you were interested in checking out this profile before, you certainly aren’t now. So what can we learn from this series of unfortunate messages?

First, once you’ve sent a first-contact email, it’s best to wait for a response before you send another one. Really, that’s fair advice for all emails. Sure, exceptions can be made for people with whom you have established relationships - maybe you haven’t heard from a friend in awhile and you’re verifying they’re all right - but for people you don’t know very well, it’s best to just let it lie.

Second, remember to do your proofreading before you send the message, not after. Sending a follow-up or a correction might be acceptable in blatant or offensive cases, like an embarrassing autocorrect or if you mangled the numbers in an address. For a simple and obvious letter swap, just let it lie. Typos happen to the best of us, and one tiny mistake won’t make or break your chances (if the mistake is even noticed!).

Finally, relax and walk away from the computer. Remember that you have no clue when your message will be read, or if the person will have time to respond or check out your profile when they do first read it. Don’t read too much into a prolonged silence. Even the worst-case scenario, where the potential match never responds, is less stressful and embarrassing than going on a twelve-message rant for no reason - and once you’ve crossed that line, your chances are shot anyway. Once you’ve sent the message, it’s out in the ether; don’t sabotage yourself by over-thinking and overcorrecting.

Most people know that while online dating is a great way to meet people you might otherwise never have encountered, it’s really a place to set up the real test: meeting in person. However, that often doesn’t stop us from trying to “milk” the online setup, as it were. After all, we might reason, we’ve put all this time and effort into our profiles! We’ve enjoyed reading the profile of our potential match! The first email is going well! Why potentially ruin things and meet in person right away? Why not keep things going?

Tempting as it may be, on that path lies only the potential for awkwardness and disappointment. Let’s consider a few basic scenarios: Steve enjoys Sally’s profile, and vice versa. Their first few emails have been fun and witty. What might happen if they prolong their first meeting a little?

If they’re truly compatible, they’ll still have that spark in person when they finally meet. However, now it might be a little awkward; they’ve only just met, but they’ve also been baring their souls to one another. Do they count this as their first date, then? What about the physical aspect? Hopefully things will just “work themselves out” as they play it by ear, but developing one aspect of their relationship ahead of everything else could make it feel like a lopsided tricycle.

Now let’s consider what might happen if they’re not truly compatible - they meet in person and there’s just no spark. Maybe one of them even finds the other annoying. They really seemed to click in email, but there’s something about the in-person delivery that changes everything. However, once again, they’ve had all these long, deep conversations via email. They know a lot about one another, and they’re emotionally invested. Do they soldier on even though there’s no real connection in person? Do they break things off a feel a sting that’s much worse now (or potentially much worse for one of them)?

Finally, let’s consider what would have happened if they hadn’t prolonged their first meeting. If they’re truly compatible, they’ll feel that first spark. Discovery - both physical and emotional - will move along at a fairly even pace. It might be fairly “bog standard,” but that doesn’t mean it’s not exciting.

And if they’re not compatible? One slightly awkward date and a cordial goodbye. No pain at having exposed your heart to someone who doesn’t feel the same way; no guilt and awkwardness at knowing too much about someone you don’t like. A clean ending to the meeting, with minimal baggage.

So as you start up conversations with potential matches, don’t let yourself be lured by the safety and general momentum of online dating. Just because you’ve mastered one section doesn’t mean you’ll fail at the next - and soon you’ll feel like an old hand at first dates, too. Delaying that first meeting is only pausing the inevitable, at best - and if the outcome is good, don’t you want to get right to where the fun starts?

Remember the three-day rule? Well, you can forget about waiting to make that call and a lot of other advice that might have worked in the dating scene ten years ago.

Now in the age of GPS-based apps like Tinder that can hook you up with someone instantly, and the way we communicate primarily via text rather than phone calls, this kind of advice falls short. Now that we have instant access (and therefore expect more immediate gratification), we don't have the time or patience to sit around and wait. After all, there could be five other hot men (or women) to meet in the meantime.

So how do you navigate the new digital dating world with so much access to new people - whether it's online dating, mobile dating, or meeting through Facebook? What are some guidelines to help figure out when to contact someone and how?

Following are some new tips to get you started:

Get familiar with technology. If you're new to the dating scene then it's important not to dismiss technology when it comes to helping you find someone. Online dating is extremely popular, with thousands of singles joining various websites every day. Mobile dating also offers a lot of different options - from apps that connect you to friends of friends on Facebook to those that tell you who is single and within a five-mile radius of where you happen to be in the moment. See what's out there. Don't assume that it's not for you until you try it.

Communicate. Instead of playing coy and waiting around for someone else to make a move, it's good to communicate with him so he knows you're interested. Dating moves very quickly, so if you drop in and out of communication with someone or wait a day or more to answer a text, you could miss out on opportunities. Be consistent - respond in a timely way to texts and emails, and check in with your online dating site often.

Be honest. If you are serious about finding a relationship, then it's important to be honest about who you are. It's easy to pretend to be someone else online and paste old photos on your dating profile or fudge your age or height. But when you start meeting people to date, you're going to have to explain yourself. Be true to who you are, that is the best way to connect to someone else.

Be bold. Good relationships don't just magically happen. They require risk - we have to put ourselves out there, to be willing to show who we are to someone else. If you go solo to that party, or talk to the stranger in front of you in the Starbucks line, or get up the nerve to message that guy you've been eyeing on your online dating site, you are making the effort. These are all small steps, but can lead to something great. Take more risks by putting yourself out there. Love is worth it.