Advice

In general, online dating isn’t much different from the rest of the dating universe. You still have the same nerves; rejection still stings. You still begin with not much more than a “hello” and see how things progress from there. There’s always impatience and overanalyzing.

However, there is one key difference: when you approach someone in person, you’re tailoring their first impression in real time. With online dating, you get the benefit of a carefully constructed, pre-edited profile that shows you at your best, but you’re forced to take a one-size-fits-all approach.

For example: maybe you’re someone who likes going to comic conventions. If you’re talking to someone who’s obviously a comic fan, you can play up that aspect of your interests. On the other hand, if you’re not sure about their comic allegiance or you already know you have something else in common, like a passion for golf, you can focus on that instead.

In your online profile, you’d like to appeal to people from both sides of the interest spectrum. At the same time, you don’t want to appear like you’re hedging your bets and covering all the bases, saying cliche things like, “I like to be outdoors... or stay in. I like to dress up... or be comfortable in jeans.” What to do?

First, be honest. Don’t worry about appealing to all demographics everywhere; you’re trying to find someone compatible to you, remember, not to the world’s most generic person. If you consistently find you’re not attracting the type of people you’d like, maybe you need to emphasize some bits, or de-emphasize others.

If you find your golf people just don’t seem interested in someone who also likes comics and vice-versa, maybe it’s time to diversify your profiles. Try creating one profile at a niche site about comics, for example, and have another one for the people who share a passion for golf. If one strategy isn’t working, there’s nothing wrong with trying out a few others.

At no point are we talking about hiding who you are; we’re talking about fine-tuning your opening conversation. Everyone has a wide and diverse range of interests, but when we meet someone we tend to narrow them down to the few we likely have in common; depth comes later. There’s no one method for finding a compatible match; why not experiment with what works for you?

Let’s face it: for most of us, not every night is an exciting night on the town or an adventure. Not even every weekend is. It’s easy to stay in with a movie, or to develop a routine where you meet friends for pizza. And there’s nothing wrong with that - until it’s time to create an online dating profile. Then, for some, the sections that ask about your weekends, what you like to do on dates, or for fun become problematic. What do you say about dating if this is the first time you’ve attempted dating in years - or ever? Do you lie about your weekends if the truth sounds less than exciting?

In short, you don’t need to lie outright, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use your imagination. Think about what you’ve always wanted to do on a date, be it go to a Renaissance Faire, try indoor skydiving or picnic in the park. It’s okay to think outside the box here!

Next, work your ideas into your profile, but don’t lie. Don’t say you’ve been indoor skydiving if you haven’t; instead, say, “I’ve always been interested in trying indoor skydiving, but I don’t know anyone brave enough to go with me.” Or, maybe in the section where you talk about who you’re looking for, you could say, “I’m looking for someone who’s not afraid to try indoor skydiving.” All of these are completely accurate, and you’ve gotten across your fun-loving side without telling one single falsehood.

But what about when you’re asked to describe how your weekends currently go? Well, it’s okay to be honest here, unless the truth is really depressing, like, “I play old records and cry.” Instead, say that you’ve “gotten into a routine” where you “stay in” - but that you’re always interested in breaking out of your rut. You could even ask for recommendations outright in your profile - then the reader has something they can easily talk about in their first-contact email.

It’s easy to show that you’re open to fun even when there’s little fun currently in your life; just make sure you’re honest about the kind of fun you want. Don’t talk about indoor skydiving if the prospect terrifies you, and don’t say you’re interested in the new club that opened up last month if a club is the last place you’d want to be. Not only are you setting yourself up for awkward conversations or a miserable night out, you’re probably only going to attract people who aren’t compatible with you. Be honest - but it’s okay to use your imagination, too!

You had a great first date with a woman you find very attractive. She seemed to be giving you signals all through the date that she was having a good time and was into you, too. You texted or called after the date to let her know you had a great time. Then you asked her out again. But three days later, you still haven't heard from her.

What happened?

Men and women both tend to overanalyze these types of scenarios. You may ask, "did I say something that offended her?" or "is she really busy with work or out of town?" Chances are, it wasn't your comment or her busy schedule that was the problem. It's that you didn't make an emotional connection with her, at least enough to get a second date.

Although you may argue that she seemed to show interest while you were on the date, and maybe even got physical with you, there are a few reasons why she didn't call you back.

You didn't bond emotionally. Women are driven by their emotions. They have to feel a spark with a man in order to pursue a relationship. While sometimes this is just chemistry, it's also about how engaged they felt with you on the date. Did you learn something about her? Mention that when you call her to ask her out again. Show her you were paying attention to what she said...that her thoughts and feelings are important. Also, share something of yourself with her. Instead of talking only about your business successes, share a story with her from a trip or activity that was meaningful. It's all about connection.

You weren't clear with her. Women pride themselves on their ability to intuit other people, especially men. If you were just looking to hook up, or have recently broken up with someone and weren't sure if you were looking for a girlfriend or just a fling, a woman can pick up on this ambiguity. Before you go on the date, ask yourself what you want. That way, you communicate clearly during the date with your body language, conversation, etc.

She is afraid of hurting your feelings. Some women have a hard time being honest about how they really feel. They would rather be nice on a date than tell you they're just not feeling a spark. While this seems a polite thing to do, it's not a good or healthy way to date. But don't let this stop you from communicating your feelings to the next woman you find attractive. She just might be the one for you.

Recently, a reader asked for advice about a girl he was interested in dating. They were acquaintances and had known each other through work for a few months. He decided to ask her out for drinks one night, and they hit it off. Three hours later, they decided to do it again the next night. Then he invited her to an art opening the following Friday.

"Oh, I'd love to," she said, excited. "I'll tell my boyfriend we can see a movie another night."

He was floored. Boyfriend? Why hadn't this come up in the conversation before? And why had she agreed to go out in the first place and let him pay for her drinks? He was confused because she was sending mixed signals, and he thought his intentions were clear that he wanted to date her. He had no idea that she wasn't single. Could he un-invite her to the art opening?

While I'm a big fan of honesty in dating, this seems to be a clear case of miscommunication. In response, I have a couple of suggestions so that people (single and in relationships) can be more aware and respectful of other people's feelings.

State your intentions. This might sound old fashioned, but at least when you say what you want up front there's no ambiguity. "I find you very attractive" or "I'd like to take you out on a date" is a pretty clear indication that you want to be more than friends."Wanna grab a drink after work?" or "we should hang out sometime" leaves things too vague.

If you have a girlfriend/ boyfriend, say so. You may think a co-worker who invites you to dinner is just a friend, but does he feel the same? Instead of keeping things elusive, just let him know upfront that you're involved. This way, there are no mixed messages.

Don't let someone else pay for you if it's not a date. This is a big-time party foul. If someone invites you out and you're not interested romantically, at least offer to split the bill. It's best to be honest and let them know your feelings or that you don't consider it a date. If you allow the other person pick up the check, you are sending mixed signals whether you intended to or not.

Don't assume. Just because you share a few drinks with someone, don't assume you're on a date. Again, I feel honesty is best. Let the other person know you're interested.

Don't play games. If you are going out with someone but want to "test the waters" with other people, this isn't fair to the people who ask you out and are looking for a relationship. If you want to date someone, then make sure you're unattached before you do.

It’s common knowledge that you should avoid talking about past relationships as much as possible, but sometimes that’s harder than it seems. If your previous relationship was particularly long, or particularly bad, editing yourself in mid-conversation can make your date feel like they’re watching a broadcast with bad reception. When you absolutely can’t avoid it, how should you handle talking about past relationships?

First and foremost, consider the length of your new relationship. It’s particularly easy to stumble onto the topic of past relationships on a first date, when you’re casting about you things to discuss. While it’s never good to lie outright, this is a time where you might want to bend the truth as much as humanly possible.

So maybe your ex really was a terrible person; maybe your heart was really broken. Still, try to avoid the gory details and put as positive as spin as possible on the situation. Your new date doesn’t know if you’re someone who was honestly in a bad situation or if you’re the type to turn on your exes with excess vitriol. They may be wondering what you’ll say about them if your relationship ends. The same rules that apply to general gossip apply here.

However, if you’re really in a deepening relationship, you can’t smooth over the truth forever, particularly if anything happened that might affect your current relationship. Start off with anything that’s absolutely pertinent, and play it by ear; if your new partner wants to hash everything out at once, that’s fine, and so is telling your tale in installments. The thing is, making a good first impression is drastically different than being in a relationship where you entirely trust your partner. You don’t want to scare them off immediately with your epic tale of woe, but eventually you should be able to tell your partner anything.

Navigating issues of history and trust can seem like a minefield in a new relationship, but really it’s something we do all the time - acquaintances become friends, who in turn become best friends, and we dole out information as we deem appropriate. So too is it with romantic relationships; once you’ve made a good first impression, it’s ultimately up to whenever you feel the time is right.

So you’ve joined an online dating site and sat down to write your profile. The first priority in your mind is writing a profile that really speaks to someone compatible with you, right? So you load it up with references to your favorite movie quotes, or maybe a passage written in binary. You’re all set, right?

Well, maybe, maybe not. Yes, you definitely want to attract someone who “gets” you. However, what if someone is entirely compatible but they simply haven’t seen your new favorite movie? Or what if they’re the type to send messages through chemistry equations, but they don’t know binary? When you make an obscure reference, you’re banking on both a compatible sense of humor or personality, as well as specific knowledge. Not to mention the fact that you’re making your profile unintelligible to anyone who doesn’t fit the magic combination.

So what to do? Is it possible to write a profile that “speaks” to people who get the same jokes and references without alienating everyone else?

In short, yes. You don’t have to eliminate all your obscure references outright; you just have to make sure that they’re separate from the main content of your profile, and denote that they’re actually a reference as opposed to nonsense.

For example, let’s say you have a favorite movie quote. Instead of trying to shoehorn it awkwardly into the context of your self-summary, why not include it in the Movies section? You might want to try something like, “I like comedies, especially the one that coined this phrase...”

Is it making things “easy” for the reader? Yes - and that’s exactly the point. You’re looking for people who might be compatible and have similar interests - not giving them a pop quiz. It’s always better to encourage a “maybe-fit” than scare one off.

As you edit your profile, try to ensure that it isn’t too laden down with obscure references or jokes. One or two isn’t bad - especially if they’re obviously referring to something else (and there’s nothing wrong with explicitly saying “Bonus points if you get this”). However, even if they do have common interests, no reader should need a decoder ring to get through your profile.