Communication

It’s hard to participate in online dating without a profile. For many, however, the profile is exactly what’s keeping them from joining in. The problem? Before even typing their first word, they check out other profiles and decide their lives aren’t glamorous or adventurous enough. “I’m just a regular person with a regular life,” they might think. “No one will look twice at me.”

In reality, what’s holding them back is not their “regular” life - it’s their perception of it. Very few people are supermodels or brain surgeons or paleontologists; of those who are, very few live lives comparable to what you’d see on TV. Meanwhile, people with perfectly average lives find love every day. So what are they doing differently?

For some, it’s all about attitude. Think about some of the jobs considered “exciting” that were just mentioned: brain surgery, paleontology. Why might these jobs be considered glamorous or exciting? Because they’ve been featured on TV and in movies. More to the point, we’ve seen people who were passionate about their work, and it stuck with us. Pretty much any job can be exciting, if you’re excited about it and let it show.

But let’s be honest: not everyone is excited about their job. Not everyone has a job. And that’s okay too: chances are, there’s something they’re still passionate about, whether it’s a hobby or a dream or a goal. Everyone’s lives contain varying amounts of excitement; the key is to let what you love define you, not just your vital statistics.

“Well, fine,” some might think, “but I still have to talk about my job and it’s obvious I don’t love it.” Firstly, you don’t necessarily have to go into any amount of detail; in fact, many specifically avoid doing so for security or identity concerns. You’re searching for someone with a compatible personality, not a compatible career.

Secondly, there’s no reason why you can’t be honest about the fact that you’re not nuts about your job, or job status. There’s no shame in saying you’re working as a means to an end, or that other parts of your life are more important, or that you’re actively searching. Those who would be less interested in you for being honest and open aren’t worth pursuing, anyway.

So when you write your online dating profile, don’t feel trapped if you don’t feel you fit the right “mold.” Remember: you’re not competing for Most Successful. All you’re trying to do is find someone who’s a good fit for you - and perhaps such a person is a little “average,” too.

There’s no question that there’s something personal, even intimate, about the idea of the anonymity of the Internet. When no one knows who you really are, you’re free to be whomever you like - whether that’s someone completely out of character for you or your most genuine self. It can be easy to share truths and secrets.

For some, this is the sort of relationship they have in mind when they think of online dating - two people falling in love, perhaps via long distance, maybe even never seeing one another, but getting to know the “true self” of their true love. Perhaps there are success stories out there that have unfolded along these lines, especially in the earlier days of the internet.

However, that’s not really what one should expect from online dating today. In today’s world, the internet is hardly anonymous - and neither is love, for that matter.

The point of an online dating website is to find someone with whom you want to meet, not to fall in love with a faceless, nameless avatar. Once you meet in person, you determine whether there truly is compatibility, and you begin the time-tested process of getting to know one another. In general, you don’t spend months exchanging emails; indeed, you’re less vulnerable to scams and wasted energy (what if there’s no spark in person?) that way.

The problem is, many people still think of the “old,” anonymous internet when they write their profiles. No, you don’t need to give hard details about your address or place of work (that wouldn’t be safe, either), but you have to remember that your profile is not an online journal message magically sent to your future love; it’s a posting that will be read by anyone, including people you’ll potentially meet soon. It’s one thing to bare your soul and your insecurities to your diary; it’s another thing to unload this on someone you’ve just met.

As you construct your profile, imagine you’re chatting with someone you’ve just met. Is it the time to bring up past baggage? Maybe not yet. Is it appropriate to reveal intimate, romantic details or fantasies? Perhaps you’ll want to at least wait until your first in-person meeting. What about your most secret hopes and dreams?

Well, perhaps when you meet someone you truly spark with, you will want to share all those details and more immediately. However, your profile is not written for the eyes of only one person; it’s written for anyone who comes along. Nor is it entirely anonymous; it might be read by a friend of a friend who recognizes you, or a neighbor, or a co-worker. You might be writing for your future match, but you’re reaching a much wider audience.

Some people causally use terms of endearment. Everyone is a “sweetie,” a “hon,” a “dear.” These rare people manage to use such terms with people they’ve just met - and, even more surprisingly, they never come off as condescending. There’s just something in the tone, in the expression: not a hint of malice.

However, if those very same people were to write a profile or a first-contact email, and they didn’t make any modifications, they’d quite possibly come off as annoying, patronizing or even offensive.

The issue is similar to that of using humor in a profile: you lose so much when you erase the tone of voice, timing, or facial expression that it’s easy to get the wrong idea. It’s true that some people can get away with using affectionate titles at first meet - but that’s because they’re using the entire package, not just the words themselves.

Furthermore, a first meeting in person is just not the same as a first-contact email. Even in person, simply standing in the same room is not a free pass to get familiar. Using an affectionate nickname at the end of a night of conversation is one thing; putting your arm around someone and calling them “sweetie” before you’ve even been introduced is quite another.

That’s essentially what you’re doing when you start a first-contact email in a way that’s overly familiar; you’re jumping over natural steps, forcing a connection when there isn’t one yet. No matter how compellingly a profile is written, you can’t really know someone until you’ve met in person for at least some amount of time. And, equally importantly, they can’t really know you. Not yet.

In person you may well feel an instant connection, like you’ve known each other for years. You may move more cautiously, taking things slow, revealing more of yourself when you’re ready. You may find that you’re on a date with a pleasant person and nothing more. The key is, you won’t really know if calling someone “hon” is appropriate until you’ve met. And honestly, even then, not everyone really is a “hon.” Some names fit better than others, and your date doesn’t want to be a one-size-fits-all.

So as you write your first-contact emails, remember that you’re dealing with a stranger, no matter how inviting their profile was. You can be warm and friendly, yet still polite and appropriate. There’s plenty of time to get familiar later; enjoy this stage as well.

We spend a lot of time thinking about what to put in our online dating profiles. After all, we’re trying to encapsulate our entire personality, with multiple facets, into a few paragraphs. It’s a task we take seriously, so perhaps it shouldn’t come as a surprise that our profiles can get a little, well, serious.

So much of online dating is actually introspective: what am I really looking for? What kind of person am I, really? What are my strengths and weaknesses? This type of thought is truly a positive thing, and a wonderful way to let you figure out your priorities and send you on the path to a successful relationship. That being said, while it can be an excellent writing exercise, your deep thoughts do not have to be on your profile, published for the world to see.

Here’s the thing: no one’s expecting to have a life-changing moment from a profile. They’re not going to have an epiphany about life, or fall instantly in love. In fact, you don’t want someone to fall instantly in love with your writing; you want them to fall in love with you, when you meet in person. The writing’s just to reassure them that you sound like you might have a good time together if you meet.

This is, incidentally, the reason why you also strive to keep a first-contact email short and sweet. Too long and you’re likely trying to forge a connection that doesn’t need to be there yet. By limiting the first-contact email to a few sentences, you’re forced to keep the content light and fun.

You can’t predict whether you’ll ultimately have chemistry with a given person, so when you’re agreeing to that first date, would you rather have fun, or be greeted with intensity and probing questions? The profile is hinting that the date will go one way or the other.

So as you write your profile and first-contact emails, try to keep the gloom, doom and introspection to a minimum. It doesn’t mean you’re presenting a shallow facade, nor do you have to change your actual behavior. Think of it this way: working through problems in therapy is wonderful - but you don’t need to relay every step of that on your profile, either. Why not let readers see the polished, enlightened final product instead?

There are two common problems in online dating profiles. The first is sarcasm; the second is blunt honesty. Neither of these are a surprise; what is a surprise is that they’re essentially the same problem - with a very similar solution.

There’s nothing wrong with the concept of sarcasm in general. Dry wit can be very funny, and usually when people call themselves sarcastic they’re envisioning a sense of humor that is smart and sharp and, well, funnier than most people. They likely view it as an asset.

However, that’s not always the actual message they’re sending. “Sarcasm” can be abrasive, hurtful, and cynical. It can be a way for someone to be out-and-out mean whilst trying to avoid any consequences (“Sheesh, don’t you understand sarcasm?”). And even if they temper the sharp edges of their humor in person, it can often seem worse on a profile - you’re lacking the kind eyes, the softer delivery, the smile or goofy face, the tone of voice. Everything seems harder in writing.

Honesty is much the same. In general, honesty is a wonderful quality to have. Those who are honest are generally proud of it. They see themselves as genuine, compassionate, someone with integrity.

But honesty can be misused as well, and it can come across negatively on a profile - again because you’re lacking additional context. Perhaps the writer has the best “bedside manner” when it comes to delivering a hard truth, but all you see in the profile is, “I’m not afraid to tell it like it is.” In person, you might believe that someone really cares and respects their friends and the greater truth; on paper, they might look more like someone who enjoys delivering painful news.

Both qualities can come across as harsher than intended on a profile, because they’re both subtle arts - skills that require sensitivity, elements of tone and facial expression. You can’t really include that in a profile. However, if these are qualities that really help define you - ones that you absolutely must talk about - try to soften the writing as much as humanly possible. It may seem like overkill, but your true sense of humor or genuine personality will probably be immediately apparent upon meeting; try not to shoot yourself in the foot first, with a profile that’s less compassionate or funny than you intended.

Women can be picky daters. At least, that's the stereotype. We like our men to be incredibly hot, smart, successful, and charming, and we aren't willing to settle for anything less, right ladies?

Well, maybe that holds true for women in some cities, but not others.

According to data released from dating website AreYouInterested.com, women in Brooklyn are the pickiest daters in America (coming in ahead of Los Angeles and Manhattan). The website compiled this information based on 453,000 interactions of women ages 18 and up, noting that Brooklyn residents are the least likely to reply to messages from potential dates. Men would have more luck in Jersey City, New Jersey.

Behind Brooklyn, Detroit, Minneapolis, Cincinnati and Los Angeles also ranked highest for the pickiest daters.

But perhaps creativity has something to do with response rates. AYI.com also found that emails engaging the respondent ("where are you from?") worked much better than emails just saying "hi," or "what's up?" which fell flat.

Other interesting findings:

• Women are 71% more likely to respond to someone if they have a mutual friend on Facebook.
• Women are three times more likely to respond to a younger man than men are to respond to a younger woman. It seems cougars are in among AYI.com members!

The cities where women are most likely to get in touch after a potential date has reached out include Miami, St Louis, Las Vegas and Portland, Oregon. So guys, on your next Vegas trip you might want to consider moving permanently.

AYI.com has an interesting base of users though - it's not strictly an online dating site, but identifies itself as more of a social discovery site. Members don't only join for dating purposes, but also to form friendships. Social discovery sites provide a place where people can meet and socialize online - to make friends, play video games, exchange music, or a number of different things - not just to date. Which means users who join stay around longer, even after they meet a significant other.

So are women picky about their friendships, too?

According to its website, AYI.com has more than 70 million installed users and over 3 million Facebook fans. It offers an integrated Facebook app, iPhone app, Android app and website, and works by connecting members to each other based on mutual Facebook friends and interests.

The company is owned by SNAP Interactive and you can find more details on them by reading our review of Are You Interested.