Dating

A few years ago, I was at an amusement park with friends when one of them shyly handed me his camera.

“Do you think you could take a few pictures of me today?” Kent asked. “I’m making a profile for an online dating site and I don’t really have any pictures of me. Especially ones that aren’t posed in some way.”

Happy to oblige, I did my best to grab good candid shots of Kent. Everything was quiet for some months, until I ran into him one morning, positively giddy.

“I just had the best first date!” he said excitedly.

“It’s ten in the morning! That must have been some first date!” I said, raising my eyebrows.

“No, no, the date didn’t start last night,” he said, blushing. “It was a breakfast date! She works nights, so this was the fastest way to actually meet in person.”

“Ooh,” I said, intrigued. “So you met her through your dating site?”

“Yep,” he said. “She moved here two years ago and only lives ten minutes away, but thanks to our jobs our chances of running into each other are practically zilch. And since we’re on opposite sleep schedules, it’s been pretty nerve-wracking writing her and then waiting a minimum of eight hours for a response. But still, that’s better than never having met her at all.”

“Well, it’s great that she seems so wonderful, but will you ever get to spend time together with such opposite schedules?”

“She’s going to get moved to a different position at the end of the year,” Kent said. “It won’t be forever. And - this may sound cheesy, but - even if it’s more work finding time to meet, she really seems worth it.”

Last month, Kent and his wonderful first date were married. Her inconvenient schedule was indeed not for forever - but hopefully her romance with Kent will be.

Related Article: Stories in Success, Part I

A few of my closest friends turned 30 this month, and it's got me thinking. There's no denying that dating in your 20s is fun. A lot of fun, if you do it right. But seems to me there's something special about dating in your 30s.

Sure, there are some downsides that come along with it. If you're unattached by the time you reach the big 3-0, you're bound to get comments about how you shouldn't settle but shouldn't get left on the shelf either (how confusing is that?). People ask about your biological clock or if you're afraid of commitment. They tell you that you can't "have it all" or that all the good ones will be taken if you wait. Some might even straight-up say there's something wrong with you.

But on the other hand, there's a lot to love about dating in your 30s, like:

• You know who you are. The 20s are all about finding yourself. You're meant to travel the world, go on crazy adventures, work odd jobs, occasionally squander your cash on silly purchases, etc. some of it will be great, and some of it will be awful. All of it adds up to some seriously important life lessons that you carry with you into the 30s dating game. By then, you're ready to think more seriously about the kind of relationship you actually want and the kind of partner who can give it to you.
• You know what love is. Well, maybe we never really know what love is, but entering our 30s means knowing a whole lot more about it. There's often a very big difference between what you're drawn to, what you want, and what you need. As you get older, you're able to tell the difference and define the kind of love that works for you. And because of that…
• Dating gets serious. In your 30s, relationships tend to move faster. You've been through your fair share of bad dates, inadequate relationships and casual hookups, and you know what you want. If something isn't working out the way you want it to, you have the confidence to end it quickly. And if things are headed in a good direction, you feel equally comfortable pursuing it.
• On the other hand, not everyone wants to get serious. Some people are looking to settle down in their 30s, but others are happy staying single. Both are perfectly viable options that can lead to happy lifetimes. The important question to ask is “Where do I want to be in 5 years? Or 10?” Like it or not, what you do today will have an impact on your relationships in the future. If you do want to be with someone, make sure to create space in your life for it right now.

And most importantly…

• There’s still a lot to learn. Wouldn't life be boring if you'd already learned everything? Luckily, that's never going to happen, least of all in your 30s. Enjoy the weird and wonderful lessons that life will continue to throw your way.

There's no shortage of love advice on the Internet, but it's not exactly the most diverse segment of the self-help industry. Every relationship guru out there seems to be telling you how to meet your match, fall in love, have a healthy long-term relationship…

Perhaps it's time for something different. Perhaps it's time for someone to take a stand for the miserable loners of the world. Don't want a fulfilling dating life? Good. This one's for you. It's about time someone created a guide for having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad relationship. Take it from me, if you want a truly awful love life, follow these six rules:

1. Never make plans in advance. Always text your date within, at most, two hours of wanting to meet them. The later, the better. Do not give them any time to prepare, and don't put any effort into planning your outing together. Make sure they know exactly how detached and disinterested you are.
2. Keep your compliments to yourself. If you say anything nice to your date – ever – they're bound to think you're clingy and insecure. If you’re new to the horrible relationship game, simply bury all urges to engage in flattery. If you’re a pro, emphasize your oh-so-attractive aloofness by offering backhanded compliments, subtle condescension, and no shortage of snark and sarcasm.
3. Speak only of superficial surface matters. Choose your conversation topics wisely. Family? No. Childhood? Nope. Religion, politics, or anything that even remotely displays your intelligence? Nah. Hopes and dreams? Don't even go there. If you’re in any deeper than your favorite Ben & Jerry’s flavour to snack on while binge watching your Netflix queue, you’ve gone too far.
4. Add your date on Facebook right away. The best way to get to know someone new is to stalk them online as much as possible. Friend them on Facebook ASAP, then start your searching. Bonus points if you update your relationship status without consulting them first.
5. Don’t follow-up, especially if you had an amazing time. Oh, so you enjoyed yourself on your date? Good for you. Make sure they have no idea. Do not, under any circumstances, text them the next day to say you had fun or schedule date #2. In fact, it's probably safest to avoid communication entirely unless they get in touch first.
6. If you err at any time, fall off the grid. Accidentally said something sentimental? Or sent a text that didn’t look like a post-midnight afterthought? Or – gasp – bonded? Sorry, there’s only one option left. Disappear entirely before your insignificant other starts thinking they’re not so insignificant after all.

A recent article in Time Magazine focuses on the so-called “hook-up culture,” which has become a subject of much concern and debate. Particularly from older Americans who graduated from college a while ago. Now, the students and twenty-something are speaking out.

The writer of the Time article complained about the media coverage of a college professor in Boston named Kerry Cronin, who requires her students to go on a “real date” as part of their class credit. “No thanks,” the writer says in her article, “I’m here to inform that professor that we 20-somethings don’t need help, thank you very much.”

She goes on to reference statistics to disprove that hook-up culture is an epidemic, citing less than 15% of college students have more than two hook-ups per year. Also, “hooking up” means anything from sharing a kiss to having sex, so the lines are a little blurry as to how much people are engaging in risky behavior.

She also argues that it’s much more natural to socialize with people and get to know them in groups and at parties where it feels more organic, rather than over coffee and forced conversation. While she makes good points, she also admits that it is easier for her generation to hide behind a screen, especially when it comes to being rejected. Text is the preferred method of interacting, rather than asking someone out face-to-face as Professor Cronin argues they should.

Her points are valid, but there is definitely room for improvement. While college students (at least in the past couple of generations) have engaged in a higher level of casual sex and hook-ups than at other times in their lives, there does seem to be a shift in college students’ thinking today. Because they are attached to their smartphones, pulling them out at parties or in dorm rooms instead of engaging with the people sitting next to them, they aren’t really learning how to be alone together, to engage in conversation without distraction. This doesn’t help them learn to communicate better in relationships.

Also, there is the drinking that goes on at college. Much of the hooking up takes place after indulging at parties, which means people aren’t making the best decisions when it comes to their bodies.

But does all this mean they aren’t prepared for dating?

I think that college provides a good backdrop for learning how to interact and flirt. There are plenty of single, available people who you have something in common with – which likely you wouldn’t encounter again. So why not experiment with dating in a group setting, among your friends?

All of the formal asking out will happen once they graduate. And even then, hook-up culture exists in even more removed ways – through dating apps like Tinder. Dating is still part of growing up, no matter how you try to avoid the particulars.

When it comes to committing to a relationship, men can take a lifetime deciding whether they are really ready for the relationship or not. It can be quite a frustrating moment for women. The biggest problem that women face with men is that they never seem to grow up. When will he begin to understand and accept love with all its responsibilities, complexities, and rewards? Why is it that the prospect of being committed and settling down seems so cumbersome and scary to men? The important question is - can a woman break through a man's supposedly secret barriers and make him commit to a relationship? It is definitely possible and the following steps will show how easily you can make a man to commit to the relationship.

When is he going to grow up?

Men perennially have their growing up issues. The fear that men experience rises from the belief that if they take too many hurried steps towards adulthood then they might lose themselves or their identity or individuality. It is a fear that most men are born with. A man will always weigh the potential consequences of growing up and definitely ponder upon what it will actually cost him. Will the relationship strangle him? Will it take away his freedom? Will he be able to watch baseball games in the middle of the night? These are just reflections of the fear that has the ability to consume him and thus he will always be scared of committing to the relationship. So how can you make him commit?

You need to start from the basics. Here are the two most important secrets that most women never know about how they can easily make a man commit.

Secret#1: You need to identify what your man responds to. This is the easiest way to get into his world. For example - if your man loves trekking all alone, get indulged. That is not just his hobby but his own space and soft spot. Tell him about these new places that he can go off for a trek. Get indulged in his trekking as if you were trekking with him without being over-burdening. The more interest you take in his trekking, the more easily he will open up and accept the responsibilities of the relationship.

Secret#2: Men are born with the ego that will put Kull the Conqueror to shame. Massage their ego! You need to make a man feel as if he has conquered something. You won't believe this but a task as menial as pushing an elevator button or opening the door of a restaurant is quite important for a man. For example, something as menial as parking the car, you have two options - you can argue that your man has not parked in the right place or you can let him park where he wants. If you go with the first then you have already lost him but if you go with the second then you can be rest assured that he will accommodate all your desires just the way you accommodated his desire to feel conquered.

The bottom line is that you should never try to convince a man for commitment just glide with him through his world and he will automatically become committed to the relationship!

Most women will agree that they prefer equal partnership when it comes to romantic relationships. This mean they each have equal say and an equal role to play in things like finances, child care, household chores, and major decisions like where to live or whether to start a business.

It makes sense in our culture, as the majority of women are pursuing both careers and families. They want a partner who respects and supports their ambitions.

But what if the reality is different from our post-feminist ideal of equality in relationships?

New research by New York University doctoral candidate in sociology Ellen Lamont is challenging the way many women still seem to accept certain elements of “the man’s role” both in terms of dating and marriage.

Maybe some of this rings true for you: Lamont found that when dating, women seem to prefer the man to ask them out and to pay for the date, a more traditional role. Also, women like to leave it to the man to make decisions about the trajectory of their relationship. That is, they wait for him to say “I love you” or to commit to being serious first. Essentially, this puts the man in control of the relationship.

It seems dating and courtship play a big role in how women view long-term relationships. If during the dating process, women put the man in the driver’s seat (so to speak) and let him decide where things are headed, then how is it possible to easily transition to an equal partnership once they are in a long-term, committed relationship?

“[Women] want traditional courtship and egalitarian marriages and I just don’t think that will be possible,” she said. “Their justifications for traditional courtship are based on beliefs in essential biological differences between men and women and they reinforce these beliefs in their dating practices.”

Lamont chose to study women who had some form of college education to better understand women who are balancing both career aspirations and wanting a love relationship. Even with education and ambition, many of the women still subscribe to “traditional gender norms,” according to Lamont.

“Women were supposedly so desperate to get married, while men were supposedly so reluctant,” Lamont said. “I wondered if women’s so-called desperate behaviors that are so frequently highlighted in the media were actually the result of the powerlessness they feel about the process of getting engaged.”

It’s an interesting point, and maybe one worth considering as we move forward into a bigger and more technologically advanced dating pool.

The women surveyed ranged from 25 to 40 years of age.