6 Rules For A Terrible Love Life

There's no shortage of love advice on the Internet, but it's not exactly the most diverse segment of the self-help industry. Every relationship guru out there seems to be telling you how to meet your match, fall in love, have a healthy long-term relationship…

Perhaps it's time for something different. Perhaps it's time for someone to take a stand for the miserable loners of the world. Don't want a fulfilling dating life? Good. This one's for you. It's about time someone created a guide for having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad relationship. Take it from me, if you want a truly awful love life, follow these six rules:

1. Never make plans in advance. Always text your date within, at most, two hours of wanting to meet them. The later, the better. Do not give them any time to prepare, and don't put any effort into planning your outing together. Make sure they know exactly how detached and disinterested you are.
2. Keep your compliments to yourself. If you say anything nice to your date – ever – they're bound to think you're clingy and insecure. If you’re new to the horrible relationship game, simply bury all urges to engage in flattery. If you’re a pro, emphasize your oh-so-attractive aloofness by offering backhanded compliments, subtle condescension, and no shortage of snark and sarcasm.
3. Speak only of superficial surface matters. Choose your conversation topics wisely. Family? No. Childhood? Nope. Religion, politics, or anything that even remotely displays your intelligence? Nah. Hopes and dreams? Don't even go there. If you’re in any deeper than your favorite Ben & Jerry’s flavour to snack on while binge watching your Netflix queue, you’ve gone too far.
4. Add your date on Facebook right away. The best way to get to know someone new is to stalk them online as much as possible. Friend them on Facebook ASAP, then start your searching. Bonus points if you update your relationship status without consulting them first.
5. Don’t follow-up, especially if you had an amazing time. Oh, so you enjoyed yourself on your date? Good for you. Make sure they have no idea. Do not, under any circumstances, text them the next day to say you had fun or schedule date #2. In fact, it's probably safest to avoid communication entirely unless they get in touch first.
6. If you err at any time, fall off the grid. Accidentally said something sentimental? Or sent a text that didn’t look like a post-midnight afterthought? Or – gasp – bonded? Sorry, there’s only one option left. Disappear entirely before your insignificant other starts thinking they’re not so insignificant after all.