Communication

If you’re a lucky online dater, you’ll be going on a lot of first dates.

If you’re an unlucky online dater, you’ll be going on a lot of first dates.

Online dating is pretty much the definition of "double-edged sword." On one hand, it's exciting to go on so many dates and meet so many new people. On the other hand, it's totally taxing trying to get to know that many strangers. And the worst part about it is answering the same tired get-to-know-you questions over and over again.

You could be on a date with someone who is perfect on paper (or is that “screen?”), but the second they open their mouth and one of these questions comes out, you know you’re headed straight for Boredomland:

• What do you do for a living? “What do you do for a living?” is the first offender you're likely to hear. It's not that it's wrong to want to know, because of course getting to know someone means understanding what they do in their professional life, it's just that it's incredibly dull. In this same vein are questions like “Where did you grow up?” and “Where did you go to school?” They're all generic queries that sound more like a job interview than scintillating first date conversation.
• What do you do for fun? Again, it's not that you wouldn’t want to know how your date enjoys spending their time, it's just not a very memorable or exciting question. Your job on a first date is to set yourself apart, not to sound exactly like every other snoozefest your date has had dinner with. Besides, what are the odds that their answer will actually give you serious additional insight into who they are as a person?
• Why are you single? Ouch. Why does anyone ever think this question is a good idea? There’s pretty much no way to answer without feeling like a total failure for one reason or another. Also steer clear of backhanded compliments like "I can't believe someone hasn't locked you down already!" Thanks. Guess it must be because something is totally wrong with me.
• What kind of guys/girls are you into? Awkward. Irrelevant. Pretty much destined to end in disaster. At the end of the day, a person's "type" doesn't matter at all – all that counts is that they’re attracted to you. And if you’re on a date together, it’s safe to say you already know the answer to that question.
• Why did your last relationship end? No. Just no.
• Where do you live? Do you live alone? This is the part of the night when you start worrying that your date is a serial killer. If you’re lucky, all they’re doing is calculating the likelihood that you'll hook up that night. If you're not so lucky, there is a dark alley and an ax in your future.

The mobile dating world hasn’t been the same since the launch of Tinder. As a kind of “hot or not” app for grown-ups, Tinder has become a staple among online daters because of its ease, popularity and its accessibility – helping people close by to meet for an impromptu drink or just to chat.

Now, the company wants to move in a more mainstream direction, away from its infamous dating app reputation and towards a wider audience of both singles and couples who want to expand their social networks. So recently, it has launched a feature called “Moments,” which is similar to Snapchat in that it allows users to post photos that also have a limited shelf life. Only instead of Snapshot’s seconds, “Moments” photos last 24 hours, during which Tinder matches can choose to swipe left or right depending on whether they like or don’t like the photo.

Enter a new slew of people judging their potential dates, just for a simple spur-of-the-moment photo.

According to website Tech Crunch, the new feature is a step in the right direction as far as consumers go, with investors clamoring to throw their money at Tinder (which has reportedly been valued at over $500 million in a recent stock transaction). Adding a visual (and ephemeral) feature a la Snapchat seems to be the direction other companies like Facebook are going, too. Tech Crunch argues that this will help people engage with each other a little more over the elusive app. “The photos serve as a way to share a moment and re-engage and conversation–and that could translate to more lasting relationships,” the author says.

The company claims that Tinder is a way for people to meet friends, too – not just dates. The Moments feature will allow them to strike up conversations about similar interests.

Website Gigaom.com disagrees. While they advocate that Tinder needs to move beyond its reputation as “that dating app,” the site maintains that adding a feature like Moments will only add to users’ frustration, especially since Tinder hasn’t fixed certain problems with its app. For instance, you can’t delete someone you’ve already been matched with on Tinder, you can only file them away, so you’re already going to be bombarded with images from people you might not care to engage with further.

But according to Tech Crunch, you are allowed to opt out of the Moments feature if it’s not your thing – but this means you won’t get ephemeral photos from any of your matches, not just the ones you don’t want anymore. You also have the option to “go dark” and not be available to new matches, but still maintain communication with your previous matches.

Is the Moments feature going to launch Tinder into a new space in the mobile app world, or will it only confirm its reputation for being a hook-up app? We’ll wait and see.

To find out more information about this dating app for the iPhone and Android devices you can read our review of Tinder.

I know a woman that I absolutely cannot stand - and with whom I should be best friends.

On paper, we’ve got so much in common. We shared the same major in college. We have many of the same interests in books and movies. We share almost all the same political beliefs. She’s done many things that have earned my respect.

Now, if only we could have a conversation without one of us gritting our teeth. I’m not sure exactly what the problem is; there’s no apparent underlying issue, like competition, for instance. We’ve both tried to get along. I simply feel like we’re speaking two different languages. Chatting is never easy, even though we’re both extroverts. We’re somehow oil and water.

I’ve known her for many years. I’ve long accepted that we’re never going to be best friends, and that’s okay. Occasionally, though, I’m reminded by how compatible we ought to be, and I’m bewildered all over again.

The same thing happens on occasion in online dating. We see a profile that looks promising, and get excited, only to be disappointed when our personalities don’t mesh nearly as well in person as they do on paper.

The problem is that sometimes we want to believe the profile is the truth, not the person. We’ve become infatuated with that profile, and we’re not ready to let it go. So we try a second date, or a third.

Alas, like my non-friend and me, you can’t usually talk yourself into having chemistry. Sure, randomly bad first dates do happen, but that second date will confirm everything you need to know, if you’re honest with yourself. So if you find yourself in a similar situation, remind yourself: you’re not looking for a great profile, or a great emailer. You’re looking for someone who is just as good - or better - in person as they are on paper.

More online daters are using their phones to connect with each other rather than their laptops. Considering how many of us have smartphones and how often we check them, it only makes sense that this would be the best way to reach busy singles. So online dating sites have had to strengthen their mobile offerings to compete with popular apps like Tinder. Some have fallen behind with clunky, outdated features, but some are taking big steps forward in optimizing their technology.

The importance of optimizing users’ mobile experience isn’t lost on JDate, one of the most popular online dating sites for Jewish singles. The company has just launched a new version of the site that takes its most popular features and makes them even easier to access and use on mobile devices.

The widely-used Secret Admirer feature, a staple on the main JDate website, is now available on mobile. It’s been a key component of JDate’s technology, and according to JDate, other online dating sites have licensed the model due to its popularity. The Secret Admirer's "Yes-No-Maybe" functionality connects mutually interested users anonymously. Users like this because it eliminates some anxiety-provoking guess-work that shy online daters want to avoid.

JDate's new, mobile-optimized design also places key activities, such as profile views and messages, front and center on the site. Users are able to access quick, on-the-go status checks along with their email messages, IMs, Favorites and Flirts. Additionally, JDate mobile's 2.0 experience allows members to easily make changes and improvements to their profiles from their mobile devices. They can update directly from the site if they want to change photos or make edits to their descriptions.

"The new JDate mobile site enables JDaters to connect with one another and the community like never before," said Greg Liberman, CEO of Spark Networks, the company that owns and operates JDate. "Our goal has always been to provide JDate members with the tools to meet others who share their culture, values and interests, and our new, easy-to-navigate mobile site puts best-in-class tools, quite literally, right at our members' fingertips."

The question is, for JDate users – is it too little too late? The answer is unclear, because for the many people who download mobile dating apps like Tinder, there are still more online dating. The majority of singles use a mix of both online dating sites and mobile dating apps, especially if they want to keep options open. This means constantly improving technology to stay competitive.

JDate currently hosts more than 750,000 users. To find out more about this dating site please read our review of JDate.

Online dating site Zoosk just announced the launch of its new limited release delivery service. The new service allows users to ship romantic (and real-life) gifts to other Zoosk members they want to pursue who live in most U.S. states.

So if your online love lives in New York and you’re in California? Zoosk has got you covered, at least in terms of sending gifts. The idea behind the delivery service is to provide members with an innovative, romantic, and creative way to interact with each other. Instead of going for winks and video chats to grab a potential love interest’s attention, the site opted for something a little more traditional – chocolates and flowers for instance.

If you’ve just met online, is sending someone a gift coming on a little bit strong? Not according to Zoosk. In fact, the company sees it as a strategic way of making a first impression in an online dating world filled with a lot of noise from all the digital outreach. Online dating gets overwhelming after a while, and you forget who is who unless someone really captures your attention. Sending a gift is definitely more memorable than an email. (Also, some people are better with witty online banter, and some would rather just buy a gift and hope that it piques some interest.)

To send a gift, Zoosk members visit an eligible member’s profile and select the “ship a gift” button. The gift recipient receives an email alert from Zoosk that a fellow Zoosk member would like to send him or her a gift, and can either accept the gift by providing a shipping address, or decline to provide an address.

“When we created Zoosk, we set out to provide a service that helps single adults make real-world connections and build lasting relationships,” said Shayan Zadeh, Co-Founder and CEO of Zoosk. “Testing new ideas is part of Zoosk’s DNA and this particular feature allows singles to catch the attention of someone they find special.”

The delivery service is limited to specific areas in the U.S. and is also limited in terms of what you can send. If you want to get really creative, you’ll have to wait until you’re familiar enough with your online date to meet in person. But in the meantime, you can send either chocolate, flowers or a teddy bear. (Personally, I’d go for the chocolate.)

With all of the latest mobile technology in regard to online dating, it’s refreshing to see something a little more “real world.” It’s also nice to see old-fashioned romance in the midst of last-minute drinks and mobile app hook-ups. For all its simplicity, maybe Zoosk is onto something clever.

For more information on this dating site your can read our Zoosk review.

Experts say that the vast majority of our interpersonal communication takes place via body language. When people claim that "It's not what you say, it's how you say it," they’re right. Words are important, but gestures, tone of voice, and facial expressions speak volumes more than audible language.

That means, when it comes to online dating and any other online interactions, we’re at a huge disadvantage. With so much room for ambiguity and misinterpretation, we often find ourselves wondering what is fact and what is fiction. And despite our suspicions, more often than not we choose to believe what we're told. Experts call this our "truth bias." When online dating, that means we want to believe messages from attractive potential suitors – even when we shouldn’t.

Tyler Cohen Wood, an intelligence officer and cyber branch chief at the Defense Intelligence Agency's Science and Technology Directorate, and author of the 2014 book Catching the Catfishers: Disarm the Online Pretenders, Predators and Perpetrators Who Are Out to Ruin Your Life says it’s possible to catch online liars in the act because they're often bad at it. Look for these signs:

• Emphatic Language: Emphatic language isn't always a sign of lying, but it is an indication that the person really wants you to believe what is being said. This is also the case when a person repeats something over and over in slightly different ways. They wouldn't use emphatic language unless it was really important to them.
• Unanswered Questions: You ask a question. The other person dodges it or changes the subject. There are other possible explanations (they may not want to hurt your feelings, or be afraid of how you will receive their answer, etc) but they could be keeping something from you.
• Distancing Language: In person, someone may unconsciously distance themselves from another person by crossing their arms in front of their body. In writing, the same effect can be achieved by omitting personal pronouns and personal references in stories.
• Noncommittal Statements: "Pretty sure." "Probably." "Maybe." "Must have." These noncommittal statements are all red flags that leave an escape route for the speaker.
• Qualifying Statements: These expressions come before the most important part of the sentiment. “To be honest.” “I hate to say this.” They indicate that the person is uncomfortable with what they're going to say next.
• Tense hopping. Someone describing an event that already happened naturally uses the past tense. But, if part of the way through the story they begin fabricating, it can often cause an unintentional switch to the present tense.

Note: Just one of these is likely a misunderstanding or an honest mistake. But if you notice multiple things on the list, then it’s time to be suspicious.