The Starving Artist Syndrome

In the past two weeks, I have had two dates with men who consider themselves a "starving artist." One was a sculptor, the other a singer. Neither appeared to be making an actual living from their primary pursuits. The sculptor revealed that he had grown up on Park Avenue and had a quaint country house in Maine (Hmm... where is the "starving" part of this artist?). The singer, over wine one night, told me that he paid his bills by waiting tables. If things couldn't get bad enough, he told me he was a singing waiter.

Both men were approaching 40.

Admittedly, I don't pull down all that much income. I make enough to support myself and get by and pay my bills. But I am not living the high life by any means. But, at 41, I actually earn a substantial living from my job and support myself from it. I don't have to take side jobs to pay my bills. As a fully fledged (well, pretty much) grown up, I know that I shouldn't try to live outside my means. Which is why I was totally shocked when the sculptor explained why he didn't pay the bill was because he was "a starving artist." Now, the tab was not all that much. $50. So I couldn't help but wonder why, if the extra $25 was going to break his bank for the week, he went out in the first place. I mean, if you have so little wiggle room that $25 could set you back, my thought is ... stay home. But that's me. Even more shocking was that he still insisted on walking me home and kissing me several times good night, likely pulling a Hail Mary Pass by trying to land himself in my end zone despite not paying the check.

The situation with singer was different. I willingly offered my share of the tab. Not only did I not sense any attraction for him, but I couldn't imagine letting someone who probably was scraping by pay for my drinks. That's a general rule for me. If I don't think there's any chemistry, at least enough for a second date, I offer up my share. I don't let a man pay my way when I don't believe he'll receive his return on investment.

I know how this makes me sound. It makes me appear shallow. Think what you will. The biggest mark against these men wasn't their lack of extra income. It was the fact that that were both approaching middle age and still insisting on pursuing a career that possibly did not support them. This is fine if they wish to live a life without a serious relationship. But how can you even imagine creating a partnership with someone else when you can't pull your weight financially? Not only that, but consider the emotional strains placed on a relationship where one partner isn't doing their part. Success in any arena is heavily dependent upon the person seeking success devoting a great deal of their time and thought to achieving said goal. That doesn't leave a great deal of room for a partner to be a priority. Something, in that equation, has to give way.

Let's be clear about something. I will ALWAYS support and be the cheerleader for someone pursuing a dream, regardless of how old they are. But that person needs to be able to support themselves first before they risk it all. They also need to demonstrate that they have an understanding of what's at stake if they do not succeed. Finally, they need to live their life as though they are planning to bring someone in to it. That requires that they know and understand that their partner might find their current lifestyle concerning

I think this is more of an issue for women than it is for men. Unless a woman represents some kind of potential financial burden on them, they don't care if she's a struggling actress of writer. It's different for women. Maybe it's because men are "supposed" to be the financially responsible ones. Sure. That's part of it. The other huge part is that being involved with someone who's on unsure financial footing will require an even bigger emotional investment on the woman's part. We'll be expected to not only emotionally support him (and possibly financially support him) but also continuously stroke his ego. Then there's the emotional roller coaster that comes with all of that. It's a lot of work.

Here are my final thoughts .... becoming an adult means giving up on certain pipe dreams and accepting certain realities. Being a part of a loving. mutually beneficial relationship means continuously striving to be the best partner you can be. If, by 35 or 40, you're still choosing a certain path and it's not one that comes with a certain level of stability, then you need to decide how important a relationship really is to you. It's fine if it is not as important as your career. But be honest with yourself. Realize that you may be pulling other people down while you try to build yourself up.