Dating

The holiday season creates stress in even the most peaceful and together people among us. Not only do we put pressure on ourselves to find the perfect gifts and cook the perfect meals for friends and family – when we’re single, we also place unrealistic expectations on ourselves for where we should really be in our lives.

Instead of getting down on yourself about not being in a relationship or being a certain age and unattached – remember that the holiday season is actually a time for us to pause and remember what we DO have in our lives, rather than what we are lacking.

Following are 4 holiday dating myths we need to let go of:

I need to make excuses for why I’m single.

Despite Aunt Dora’s attempts to question your life choices or find out why exactly you’re still single, you do have control over the information you share. It’s nobody’s business who you are or aren’t dating unless you tell them. And there’s no shame in being single. Most people who question your status are insecure about being alone themselves, and are projecting their fears on to you. Don’t let them. Embrace the freedom you have, and let them see that you enjoy your life – with or without a partner.

The holidays measure the seriousness of your new relationship.

Have you just started dating? Are you worried about the etiquette of inviting him to your office holiday party, or if he’s going to invite you over for dinner with his family? Stop putting the pressure on yourself and your new relationship, and don’t use this time of year as a barometer to test your relationship. If you don’t feel comfortable meeting family or introducing him to your co-workers, let your date know that you want to take your time. There’s no rush just because it’s the holiday season. Go at your own pace, and allow yourselves time to get to know each other first.

I can’t buy a gift for someone I just started dating.

Gifts aren’t meant to be indications of how serious you are or how much you are willing to spend on your romantic interest – they are gestures. A thoughtful gesture can include a small gift like a cookbook of her favorite food or something you can do together – such as tickets to ice skate or check out a new art gallery. If you feel uncomfortable exchanging gifts, then let her know. Honesty is the best policy, so you don’t feel awkward if she gives you a gift.

The holidays are the worst time to be single.

Sometimes it can be hard when you visit well-meaning friends and relatives who ask about your single status, or when you go to office holiday parties alone. But the holidays are actually a great time to be single. There are so many gatherings where you’ll be meeting new people (no Tinder necessary), and you should accept as many invitations as you can. You never know when a friend could introduce you to someone you may just hit it off with, so it’s really okay to be single and put yourself out there.

Happy holidays!

Every new dating app on the market is trying to compete with Tinder’s soaring popularity. The only problem is, not many differentiate themselves enough to do it effectively. Most of the new apps have the same basic concept – swiping through photos of people nearby, seeing who you might want to message. Clover wants to do things a bit differently in the latest version of its dating app.

Clover launched back in April 2014 with little fanfare, but recently they have debuted a new feature to try and distinguish themselves from the Tinder-like apps. While many people enjoy “Tinder-ing, ” there is still a gap between what people expect from an online dating site or app and what they actually get – leading to much disappointment. Fortunately, this problem might persuade daters to try new apps – hoping to find the right formula for dating success.

Part of the problem Clover execs noticed with Tinder is that people weren’t actually meeting up in real life – they were just scrolling and messaging. So they decided to make Clover focused on getting to the actual date - but with simplicity and ease like Tinder, rather than complicated matching algorithms and a long communication process like traditional dating sites.

Instead of encouraging people to just scroll through photos, Clover’s newest version includes an “on-demand” feature that allows you to meet matches IRL (in real life) more quickly. It works like this: you pick a date and time in the calendar and where you want to meet (your favorite bar, restaurant, etc.), and the app suggests a potential prospect to join you. You then decide if you’d like to spend your time with him/her. If you do, the date is confirmed and all you have to do is show up on time.

“Our new on-demand service will find people that actually want to meet you and you’ll be able to find a date as easy as it is to order a pizza or a cab,” says Clover CEO Isaac Raichyk.

Raichyk argues that it is difficult to actually go on a date using other apps or even dating sites like OkCupid. Just because people are matched doesn’t mean that they will make the effort to meet. So why not do it more organically by confirming a date and time to see if there’s chemistry between you in person rather than waste more time texting back and forth for nothing.

While this sounds really good in theory, the app will have to prove itself in practice. The premium service is free for users to download and test for a week, but after that, it will cost you $9.99 per month - a hefty fee compared to most apps, but cheaper than online dating subscriptions and personal matchmakers. There are also certain pay-to-play features like a $.99 charge to change your name/ handle. The new on-demand feature however will be included in the free version.

Let’s face it – not everybody is a match, and dating helps you figure out what (and who) you want. By spending time with someone, you can determine if you are compatible or even just want to see each other again for date number two. It’s okay if you aren’t that into each other, but if you keep striking out with women who you are interested in pursuing, there could be something you’re missing.

Instead of getting frustrated or angry with the women you are dating because you aren’t getting responses to your texts or second dates, take a step back and see what could be going wrong. Maybe it’s something really simple that you’re overlooking that turns her off.

Following are a few ways to change things up if you think you might be losing her interest:

Stop talking about yourself. Many guys go into “prove myself” mode on a date because they are trying to impress a woman they find attractive. Instead of talking about yourself, your successes, or your achievements, a woman will connect with you if instead you show her that you’re paying attention to her and what she is saying. Stop yourself if you feel you’re talking too much and start asking her questions.

Be thoughtful. Many guys don’t do the basics – like offering to pick up the tab, being on time, or making a plan about where to meet. If you take the time to put a little effort into the date, it pays off immensely.

Put your phone away. There’s nothing worse than spending an evening staring at your date’s phone on the table. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t ring or you only pick it up to check messages once or twice – that phone is a third wheel. It requires attention, and she will feel that you aren’t giving her a real chance. Leave the phone in your pocket or your car so you can enjoy your date.

Be confident. There’s no need to be a jerk, but women like men who exude confidence – that means having your own opinion even if it disagrees with hers, knowing what you have to offer in a relationship, and not trying to accommodate everything she says or does. Give her a little room to breathe, to learn who you are. Don’t try to be what she wants – be yourself. It works better.

Don’t bring up your bad day, your ex, or other topics that sour your mood. You’re on a date to have fun and enjoy each other, not to have a pity party. Avoid subjects that bring you down or cause you to vent instead of joke. (Also, understand what is sarcastic and what is downright mean, and avoid the latter.) The more you bring positive energy to the date, the better time both of you will have.

When guys ask me for dating advice, it’s usually because they are frustrated and feel somewhat baffled by women. Most men are content to take a few rejections and move on (more so than women), but if a woman does something they don’t understand, if they are interested in her at all, they have to know:

What does she want? Or more interestingly: What did I do wrong?

This should be an eye-opener for women. Men are more aware of your actions, thoughts and feelings than they are given credit for. They are also more interested in what they can do better, how they can make you happy.

(An aside: Yes, men love making women happy. It’s what keeps them going in a relationship. We just have to let them know what we want.)

A man recently asked me about a woman he’s been dating for a few months. He just got out of a relationship, and she seems a bit standoff-ish, though he’s not sure why. She claims she’s interested in him, but then she pulls a disappearing act. She acts flirtatious and touches him one minute, and the next she pulls away or rebuffs him. He’s kept in a constant state of confusion, wondering what exactly she wants.

While I don’t know this woman and can’t speak for how she feels, I can address her actions and also how he can help himself in this situation. First, she might be a little skeptical of his intentions since he just got out of a serious relationship. In fact, he admitted he wasn’t sure how he felt about her.

When you don’t know how you feel about someone, you can’t expect her to love and be clear about her feelings for you, either.

This was tough for him to hear. After all, she was the one playing games and pulling the disappearing act. And it’s true: she wasn’t exactly giving the relationship her best effort, or maybe any effort at all. But neither was he.

Until you are clear on what you want from a relationship, don’t expect someone else to tell you. If you need time to assess how you feel, take your time. But allow your partner to take her time, too. Not everyone is certain about how they feel right away. And some people are more cautious with their hearts than others, because they don’t want to get hurt again.

If you are waiting for the other person to drive the relationship, you are letting them take control. It’s a partnership, not something to control. If you decide you want an exclusive relationship, let her know. Don't be afraid of having an intimate conversation about how you are feeling, or not feeling.

Holidays are great for celebrating, but they can also remind us of what's missing in our lives. Especially when we visit our families. Aunt Barbara might like to ask too many personal questions, while Uncle Stan usually makes some comment about how nobody's getting any younger.

Instead of letting yourself get upset, or worse, anticipating problems before they happen, take a step back. And then take a deep breath. After all, Thanksgiving is about getting together with family and sharing a meal. It doesn't mean you are obligated to be with your family all weekend, subjected to their scrutiny. After all, you're a single, independent person, with the freedom to do what you want!

Here's what you can do for yourself this Thanksgiving:

Break from tradition. Do you travel to visit family every year for the holidays? Maybe it's time you took a year off and celebrated with friends instead. You might feel obligated to fly or drive to visit parents every year, but it's not necessarily the way you want to spend the holiday. So why not try something different? Invite friends over to your place for a pot luck. Mix it up.

Go out for a drink after dinner. There's no reason to hang out with your family all night, so why not round up a few friends and head to a local bar to share drinks, or to a movie theatre to see a new release? Have something to look forward to.

Set aside time for yourself. Your family might have your weekend scheduled full of events, but let them know ahead of time you won't be attending everything. Make a point to book a spa appointment, lunch with a friend, or even just time at a coffee shop to read your favorite book. Make time for yourself over the weekend. It's important.

Stand your ground. Friends and family don't always respect boundaries and may ask questions or put you on the spot regarding your single status. Instead of making excuses or trying to find a way out of the conversation, respond firmly but positively. After all, being single doesn't mean your life is "less than" anyone else's. In fact, you're probably more social than all of them. Let them know you're enjoying yourself and your freedom, and that you're taking your time. If that feels false, then change the subject to talk about other things in your life - like your career, your friends, or your plans to move to a new home. There's more to any life than finding a partner.

Have fun. Yes, it is possible to have fun at Thanksgiving dinner this year. Relax and remind yourself to count your blessings (that's what the holiday is for)! You have people in your life who love you.

The new polar vortex has made winter come earlier than planned. Before we can enjoy the turn of summer into fall, it seems that many cities across North America have been hit with snow, sleet and rain.

Just because the weather isn’t cooperating doesn’t mean you have to depend on bars and movie theatres as your places to go. Winter dating, especially around the holidays, is anything but boring! Don’t despair because you can’t take a nice bike ride together or have a picnic by the beach. Instead, embrace the cold with these fun date ideas:

Go wine tasting. Winter is the perfect time to find a nice local spot offering flights of the latest fall wines. If you live near wineries, you’re in luck! For most of us that don’t, local wine shops and bars often offer “tasting” nights and events for those who want to improve their palettes.

Take a cooking class. Can’t get warm? Take your date to a cooking class where you take fresh, local ingredients and learn to make something new and delicious. The best part? It warms you up and you get to share a hard-earned gourmet meal together as a reward.

Visit a tree farm. No matter your religious preferences, there’s something magical about visiting tree farms. The smell of pine can be soothing, and offer you a chance to enjoy the outdoors – followed by a warm cocktail or hot chocolate.

Go ice skating. Outdoor ice rinks are all the rage when winter hits. You can even find makeshift ice rinks in parking lots across Los Angeles, where temperatures rarely dip below 50 degrees. Check your local listings, and feel free to have fun and be a kid again. Isn’t this the stuff romance is made of?

Volunteer together. Good works can bring you and your date closer, and make your evening together more meaningful. Check local food banks, non-profits and religious organizations in your city to find out what you can do this holiday season.

Be a tourist. Visit a new art exhibit or the local history museum you never get around to checking out, just because it’s never on your to-do list. Explore the place you live – there is probably something you didn’t expect.  

Indoor rock climbing. Who said you can’t try outdoor activities when it’s snowing outside? Indoor rock climbing is a great way to get that adrenaline rush, and to enjoy a bit of a workout on your date.

Making s’mores. You don’t have to be around a campfire to enjoy this old favorite. Pull up a cushion by your fireplace (or stove) and roast a couple of marshmallows and some chocolate, a delicious way to spend the evening.