Dating

A new crop of dating apps are positioning themselves for the needs of the ever-changing online dating market by declaring themselves “Anti-Tinder” apps. And it seems people are ready to welcome something new.

Despite the popularity of Tinder, there’s been a big backlash against this type of “hot-or-not” dating app. The world of online dating has become bigger and easier to join, and as a result, daters jump from one profile to the next, on a seemingly endless search for someone "better." In other words, daters are fast adapting an ADD mentality towards dating. The attention span of most daters is about as long as it takes to swipe left.

If you like the results that you’ve achieved through Tinder, you can stop reading this now. However, most of the people I’ve talked to like the accessibility of Tinder, but they don’t like the endless stream of matches that go nowhere beyond a couple of texts.

Enter the latest “Anti-Tinder” dating app Talk or Not. Talk or Not hides the photos of its users so matches aren’t made by looks alone. According to its release, it allows users more control by “revealing user photos piece by piece only when a conversation is mutually exchanged.” In other words, you get to see if someone is hot or not only after you have a conversation.

Talk or Not was developed by graphic designer Britney Bachmann and content specialist Garrett Shawstad, who were both online dating and wanted a different experience than what Tinder provided. “It’s an odd thing to put yourself out there for the world to see,” said Shawstad, summing up the need for more privacy and selectiveness when it comes to online dating.

But Talk or Not isn’t the first app to compete with the likes of Tinder by putting conversation before photos. Dating app Willow, launched back in August of last year, is the creation of 23-year-old Michael Brunch, who also wanted to create an app with a “talk first, reveal photos later” philosophy. “We believe the best way to get to know someone, and find out whether you like them, is by talking to them,” the app’s website states. “A good relationship begins with a good conversation.”

Twine Canvas, launched in early 2014 also hides the photos of its users to be revealed once a connection is made. Rather than focus on conversation however, it is more visually-based, encouraging users to post photos of what they are interested in and let connections flow from there. Even dating app Anomo lets users hide their photos behind avatars, only revealing what they actually look like when they feel comfortable enough with a match.

Is more privacy a good thing when it comes to online dating, or just another marketing gimmick? It’s hard to tell at this point – but one thing is for sure: you can’t tell if there is attraction with potential matches until you meet in real life. So maybe instead of all the games, you cut to the chase sooner rather than later to determine if you’re a good fit.

We've all been there: caught smack-dab in the middle of a rut that feels too big to ever crawl out of, like an ant at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. You can see the sky, but good luck climbing the sheer cliff walls to get there.

Except you're not an ant, and you only think your rut is as big as the Grand Canyon. It looks big when you're at the bottom, but your rut isn't forever. You can escape.

Getting out of a rut means re-evaluating your dating behaviors. Take stock of what is and isn't working in all areas of your life. Ditch the things that aren't. Do more of the things that are. And you'll find yourself approaching romance with renewed energy and a new perspective.

Here are 5 things you can do, right now if you want to, to set yourself on a course towards the sky:

1. End the crutch relationship. The crutch could be a relationship you know is going nowhere, but that you give your time, energy, and emotions to anyway. The crutch could also be someone you go back to after every breakup, so you don't have to deal with the heartache. Or the crutch could be the person you text late at night, because some company is better than no company. Whatever your crutch looks like, ditch it. It's in the way of what you really want.

2. Change up your strategy. If you're not meeting anyone in your daily life, sign up for an online dating site. If you've been using dating websites but haven't had any success, delete your account and resolve to go out next weekend.

3. Own up to your issues. Yeah, you have them. We all do. Take some time to think about what bad habits you've fallen into and what negative beliefs you hold. When you're self-aware, you're more in control. You can make the choice to accentuate the positives and let go of any baggage that's holding you back.

4. Spend a night in. Dating fatigue is a real thing. If you're constantly going on date after date, it's easy to become complacent about the experience. You don't want to meet someone new if you're exhausted, annoyed, bored, etc., because your mood can make or break the date. Take time to yourself and recharge.

5. Review your dealbreakers. Having goals and boundaries is a good thing, but having rigid, nonnegotiable criteria is not. It's good to occasionally challenge the requirements you think you have. Stick with only the most important dealbreakers, and learn to be flexible about everything else. Expanding your openness means expanding your pool of potential dates.

There are some things in life it's ok to be afraid of. Jumping out of a plane? Terrifying. Knocking down a hornets' nest? Traumatic. Online dating? Not so much.

You've heard all the horror stories – from benign bad dates to to psycho stalkers and unscrupulous scammers – and it's easy to let them scare you off. But first, let's address one simple issue: all dating is terrifying. No matter what, it always feels at least a little unsettling to let a stranger into your life. Not to mention how frightening it is to think about the potential heartbreak that could be waiting at the end.

So let's start by agreeing that online dating isn't any scarier than offline dating. And then let's take things a step further: online dating may actually be less scary than offline dating.

Really? Yes, really. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Technology is actually helping to make dating safer. When it comes to privacy, “there's an app for that.” There's no need to give out your number to strangers if you don't want to, because more and more companies are popping up that facilitate calls between people without divulging phone numbers. Other companies offer disposable, temporary virtual numbers than can be used instead of your real phone number. Background checks are also becoming an increasingly popular service, both from 3^rd party providers and from some dating sites themselves.
2. Rejection is easier when you aren't face to face. Hearing no (or maybe nothing at all) is never fun, but it hurts a whole lot less when it's between you and a profile instead of you and a person. If you have a hard time opening up to someone or even speaking to someone in the first place because you fear the possibility of rejection, online dating can significantly ease the sting. Think of it as a buffer than softens blow, allowing you to take even greater risks. Because with great risk comes great reward, right?
3. You actually know when you're dating someone. The idea of clarity around dating went out the window when the 21^st century hit. These days no one seems to know if they're actually dating or just “hanging out.” Good luck establishing intimacy with someone when you don't even know who you are to each other. When you've met on an online dating site, however, there's no ambiguity. That first meeting is definitely a date.

Technology is making everything else easier, so it's no surprise it's making dating easier too. Not so scary after all, is it?

While some resolved to actually use their expensive gym memberships and others resolved to spend more time with family in 2015, you resolved to double down on your online dating efforts.

The key to keeping any resolution to is to be smart about setting your goals. Saying “I want to find love this year” sounds nice, but what does it really mean? What steps will you take to get there? It's unclear when a goal is so general.

Instead, you need to set specific goals by working backwards. If the ultimate aim is finding love, start planning the particular steps that are going to get you there. For instance, “Join an online dating site.” If you haven't done that yet, that's a simple first step that is specific (you could even mention the exact dating site), easy to take action on, and measurable (as in, you can tell when it's completed). The more your goals follow those parameters, the easier you will find it to reach them.

Let's talk about some of the goals you could set this year:

• Choose 3-5 first date spots. The first date is an intimidating experience no matter what, but picking a setting that's familiar can help reduce your anxiety. Have a few go-to spots in mind so you're always ready with a venue that's comforting and relaxing.
• Plan conversation starters. I'm not saying your whole interaction should be canned, but it doesn't hurt to have a few conversation starters for when things get awkward. OkCupid's research has found that the 3 best questions to determine long-term potential are: Do you like horror moves? Have you ever traveled around another country alone? Wouldn't it be fun to chuck it all and go live on a sailboat?
• Follow up like the adult you are. That means two things. First, follow up no more than 3 days after a date (but realistically, the 3 day rule is silly – why not day 1 or 2?). Second, if you're not interested in seeing your date again, inform them politely. Don't pull a childish disappearing act.
• Upload new pictures. How current are the photos on your online dating profile right now? If the newest picture is a year old, it's time for a refresh. Make sure you go for variety – a close-up, a full-body shot, and snaps that show a little more about who you are and what you're into.
• Reread your profile. Most people write it once and never think about it again. It's not the worst possible approach, if you put a lot of thought into it the first time around, but it's not the best either. You grow and change, and your profile should to. Read it through and make sure it reflects who you are now, in 2015.

What are your dating resolutions for 2015?

Are you debating joining an online dating site? You’re in luck. Now’s the best time to take the plunge.

According to Zoosk, Match.com and Plenty of Fish (the sites that arguably see the most traffic), the Sunday after New Year’s is the biggest day of the year for online dating – with more people logging in and signing up than any other time. While that day has come and gone – at least for 2015 - the excitement hasn’t. The days between New Year’s Day and February 14^th are the peak days of the year for online dating, so it’s not too late.

As it turns out, there’s something about this time of the year that causes people to make changes in their lives, or at least try something new. According to Facebook, January is the month when we see the most relationship status changes (and coincidentally when the most divorce papers are filed). On the flip side, the peak season for engagements is around the holidays, so don’t feel it’s all about “out with the old.”

Another unusual New Years’ trend – there are more conceptions and more condom sales in January than any other time of the year, according to a recent article in The Washington Post. And according to researchers, there’s a post-holiday spike in searches for porn.

While we can attribute it to the post-holiday slump, the weather, or maybe just the thought of the year stretched out in front of us, with summer months so far away – there seems to be something else going on. We want a change. We want our lives to improve. We want more happiness, more excitement, more adventure. We don’t want to feel stuck.

So when the New Year rolls around, we break up with a significant other, we decide to move in with a girlfriend, or we go looking for the right person on an online dating site. We buy gym memberships, take that pilates or yoga class, start that new diet, and in general, try to make some significant changes. The New Year gives us a chance to start again, to wipe the slate clean.

Which is why people might feel more inclined to online date – after all, it takes courage. Perhaps they were waiting for the right time or situation. Or maybe they decide this time will be different. Regardless, you’re in good company. You’ll probably run into a lot of other people trying it for the first time – or maybe the first time in a long while.

Happy dating in 2015!

Single Man, Married Man – a new book written by a group of men specifically for single women – proclaims to offer brutally honest advice for women who are looking to get hitched.

The book has outraged many feminists, and for good reason. Some of the advice offered in the book includes this as fact: “all men” want to get married – if they tell you otherwise, they are “lying.” Another piece of advice from one of the book’s single authors: “No matter where a woman is in life, she should always be able to cater to her man’s needs.” A divorced co-author advises that when a man gets his ego stroked, he will be more inclined to love you.

The book also offers reasons why a man you are dating isn’t taking the relationship to the next level – namely, that it’s your fault. One author writes: “It takes a lot to hold their attention, and men tend to lose interest in romantic partners when they stop being, well... interesting.”

In other words, women need to start giving more massages, complaining less, and stroking their guys’ egos a lot more often. Then they will more likely convince their men to put a ring on it. (Speaking of Beyonce, one of the writers even suggests keeping Destiny’s Child’s “Cater 2 U” on repeat on your playlist).

The book is certainly gaining a lot of attention in the press because of its apparent sexism, and its authors maintain that it is “brutally honest” because they want to help women. Two of the main authors spent three years interviewing more than 300 men online and in person to arrive at their conclusions, so they stand by them.

So what does this mean? Should women take a step back and consider catering more to the men in their lives? Or should the guys who authored this book admit that creating a controversial book would help them sell more copies?

The truth is, no matter how many people you interview, or how much research you do, or how many coaching sessions you conduct, dating is still mysterious and fickle for everyone. Some tactics work with some people, others don’t. Some people have chemistry together, others don’t. You can’t force a relationship to move forward if that’s not what it is meant to do. There are no tricks. Dating is much more nuanced and individual. Blanket advice of how each gender should behave doesn’t really move the conversation – or the dating scene itself - forward.

So as much as we take dating advice from many sources, we should also be discerning. If something doesn’t feel right to you, pay attention. If you’re working too hard to try and “make things work” with your current love, maybe it is time to let go. To find out more about the book "Single Man, Married Man" you can check out the authors website.