Dating

As the East Coast braced for the horrific storm that was about to descend on them the evening of January 26^th, single folks apparently took to their dating apps for comfort.

Hinge, a dating app that matches based on your social media circles, reported that its usage rate that day was plugging along at a normal rate, when suddenly at about 3pm East Coast time - the time officials were warning residents about the upcoming storm -  activity on the app exploded, even if the actual snowstorm fell flat. 

According to Hinge’s figures, the app experienced an average of 4.75 logins per user on Monday -- a record for the app. “‘User sessions’ (the number of times an individual logs into the app) increased by 27 percent during peak hours, and activity on the app increased by 22 percent overall on Monday,” according to The Huffington Post.

There’s no doubt about it: anticipation at the thought of a free day to play motivates singles to see if they can connect with someone. "Who wouldn't want a playdate on a snow day?" Karen Fein, Director of Marketing at Hinge told The Huffington Post.

Unfortunately, the giddiness daters felt about having a snow day didn’t last.

The app noted that activity calmed down by about 10pm – perhaps because the storm wasn’t as bad as the weather reporters made it out to be, and users were wondering if they would return to work the next day instead of having a snow day. 

Or perhaps some of them had connected after all, and were getting to know each other instead of hanging out in the confines of their apartments.

It would be interesting if Tinder also released its own stats about whether or not it experienced a surge in activity in anticipation of the storm, or whether online dating sites in general had record numbers of logins, messaging, or emails sent.

It might help that this is one of the busiest times of year for online dating – New Year’s Day through February 14^th (Valentine’s Day), so the threat of the storm gave daters a little extra push to get out there and meet someone, even if it would be in two feet of snow. Or perhaps it’s entertaining enough to just flip through photos when you’re bored, or send texts to guys you haven’t yet responded to and clean out your inbox.

Whatever the case, don’t wait for another storm to hit before you login to your dating app. See who you can meet now.

No partner? No problem.

There's an app for that, because there is, no joke, an app for everything at this point.

Picture a family get-together. Picture that family asking you invasive questions about your relationship status. Picture awkwardly trying to deflect their questions. Picture inventing a fake significant other just to avoid the interrogation.

Now picture a world where that doesn't have to happen. To alleviate the social pressures single people face, St. Louis business partners Matthew Homann and Kyle Tabor decided to do the hard work for you. They created the Invisible Boyfriend and Invisible Girlfriend apps so you don't have to worry about dreaming up a believable fake date.

The apps promise a faux SO “your family can believe in” and “real-world and social proof that you’re in a relationship - even if you’re not - so you can get back to living life on your own terms.” For $24.99 a month the app offers a personalized partner constructed from a hundred text messages, 10 voicemails and one handwritten note. You'll also get crowd-sourced selfies and a story about how you met your sweetie, plus the opportunity to customize your invisible SO's name, personality, interests, and physical characteristics.

Before you start worrying you'll fall in love with your faux dream person and wind up living the real-life version of Her, Matthew Homann says it's out of the question. “We’re not trying to build something that could fool you,” he told TIME. “Our intention has always been to build something that helps you tell a better story about a relationship you’re not in.”

The apps were inspired by real life events. Nine years after Homann divorced his wife, he found himself feeling frustrated when his mother asked if he was bringing a date to Thanksgiving dinner. "In that moment I realised how great it would be to have an answer for her that didn't require me to actually be dating someone," he writes on the website. He started putting the plan into motion in 2013 and the app went live into public beta this month.

You may be wondering just how unhealthy it is to have an invisible BF or GF. That's definitely one of the stops on the crazy train, isn't it?

Gail Saltz, MD, Health‘s contributing psychology editor, says that isn't the case, as long as you're honest about why you're using the service. If it's all in fun, you have nothing to worry about. It only becomes a problem if you become so lost in the fantasy that you forget to look for real relationships.

It may even be a useful tool, Dr. Saltz adds. “Someone with a lot of social anxiety might practice with something like this as a method of making themselves more comfortable for the real thing.”

There's just one problem: what happens when your parents want to meet the new love of your life?

Too many cooks spoil the broth, but do too many dates spoil the romance?

People love online dating because it offers so many choices, including potential partners you may never have met otherwise. Falling in love with someone who lives halfway across the world was almost impossible before the Internet.

But all those choices could be making dating harder. Instead of making your life easier, online dating might be making it more stressful thanks to a psychological phenomenon called the “paradox of choice.” The more choices you have, the more difficult it is to actually make one. Instead we consistently feel unsatisfied with our choices, or simply refuse to choose at all.

Increased choice has been scientifically proven to cause anxiety and “choice overload,” which is exactly what you think it is. Your brain can become overwhelmed when faced with too many online dating profiles, causing it to misremember what it sees in each. It can also cause you to make decisions that are less than optimal, and settle for partners who don't match your own stated preferences.

And let's not forget about the time factor. Online dating is a notorious time-suck, and it gets worse the more options you have. A 2009 study found that "more search options triggered excessive searching," making it harder for participants to weed out incompatible options and hone in on what they really wanted.

The famous experiment that tested the paradox of choice was conducted by Columbia University professors in 2000. Grocery store shoppers were presented with 6 jam samples on one table and 24 on another. More customers visited the table with 24 choices, but fewer actually purchased from it. That means that while we are initially attracted to having many options, we find it more difficult to choose when actually presented with them.

Online dating is a table full of thousands and thousands of jams. The variety is endless and the supply is bottomless. It's hard to decide what's going on your toast under those circumstances, and the end result is apathy.

But there's hope. Other research has found that, under the right circumstances, more options can actually make you more certain of your choice by heightening the distinctions between possibilities. Online dating allows you to get hyper-specific about what you want, meaning you can narrow down your options to maximize effectiveness.

In the end, the real benefit of online dating sites is a little bit of both. By getting hyper-specific, they put the most relevant, compatible people directly in front of you. And by offering so many choices, they also leave open the possibility of meeting someone you didn't even know you were looking for.

Online dating is evolving along with daters’ preferences. We have grown used to the idea of using technology for our personal lives, with more people online dating than ever (thanks to the rise of dating apps like Tinder).

The dating landscape has changed, even in the last few years. There is new technology of course, but there is also the growing number of singles (which consist of more than half of U.S. adults over age 18), and the fact that young adults are waiting longer to marry. So college isn’t the place you’re likely to meet your life partner – instead, it’s more likely going to be online.

With so much changing and so many singles out there, why is it still so hard to find the right person, or even to get a date from a few back-and-forth texts?

The answer might be simpler than you think. There have been several studies in recent years about our ability to make decisions, especially when we are given a lot of choices. Much like wandering into a candy store when you just want a bite of something sweet, your mind can be immediately overloaded with all the different types, brands, and flavors – so that you almost become paralyzed by the choices and unable to make a decision.

A study was conducted a few years back, where a group of people were given a choice between a few different brands of laundry detergents and asked to pick which one they’d buy. With only three or four choices, they tended to read the labels of ingredients and decide which was best based on content. They were also generally pleased with their choices.

The next group was given dozens of choices of laundry detergent. Researchers discovered when there were more than a few choices, people didn’t take any longer in making a decision - they were too overwhelmed and didn’t read the labels at all. The majority chose which detergent they would buy based solely on what the container looked like, and didn’t look at the ingredients. In fact – they were basing their decisions purely on superficial “looks,” because it was easier than trying to get to know all of their choices.

It’s no wonder we feel a bit ADD when it comes to dating, and that apps like Tinder have taken off. When we are given too much choice, it’s easier to just look at the photo and make an impulsive decision – yes or no - rather than think about what we really want. We don’t get to know people before deciding we aren’t interested in a date or even a drink. It’s too easy to think “there’s probably someone even better” while we are swiping, so we don't think twice about standing someone up or refusing to text them back.

Maybe it’s time to focus on one date at a time. Maybe we should start saying yes more often - instead of no.

The first date with your latest online match didn’t leave you feeling that chemistry you desire so much, but it wasn’t a bad date either. It was just kind of so-so. The whole experience leaves you wondering – is it worth giving this guy another chance?

I’m a big advocate of giving people a second (and third and possibly fourth) chance. Often, intimacy and attraction are built over time, especially if you’re guarded with your emotions. Instant chemistry isn’t always a good thing – it can cloud good judgment, so don’t jump in with both feet right away!

Instead of writing off a date because you are unsure, or got a little bored, or he’s not the kind of guy you usually date, give it a chance to see what happens.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Were you tired or lacking energy? When you’ve been battling traffic, an irritated boss, or just general work fatigue, it’s hard to muster the energy for a date. But you get what you give in the case of dating, so you and your date both play off each other’s energy. If one of you is off, it can lead you to conclude you’re not right for each other. Instead of assumptions, give it another chance.
• Did you pick a typical first date place or activity? Coffee dates don’t really give you an opportunity to enjoy yourselves. Coffee shops are settings for interviews, which feel uncomfortable and not at all enjoyable! Instead, try a second date doing something active, like riding bikes or visiting an art gallery together. The point is to see if you can bond a little by experiencing something together, rather than just sitting through a game of twenty questions.

There are a few important things to consider when you’re dating too, which mainly have to do with following your gut. It’s good to ask yourself the following if you were left feeling uncertain after a first date:

• Do you feel safe with this person, or did you feel uneasy during any part of the evening? Don’t ever put your health and safety at risk, or feel pressured into doing something you aren’t comfortable with. A good date means someone who doesn’t overstep boundaries.
• Did he avoid questions about his own life? This is a sign he’s hiding something from you – maybe a wife or girlfriend, another life. If he’s avoiding your questions and refusing to reveal anything about himself, there’s a reason.
• Did he drink too much? If it seems he’s not in control of his impulses or has addictive tendencies that he hasn’t addressed, he’s not a good candidate for a second date. Compulsive drinkers might have a good time, but they aren’t in a place to welcome a healthy relationship.
• Was he angry? Some people carry hurt and anger from their pasts with them on a date, which is both unfair to their dates and also a little intimidating. If you dated someone who hasn’t resolved issues of anger, it’s best to move on.

Bottom line: Check in with your gut. Make sure you feel safe around your date first. If you are on the fence about how you feel romantically, try another date and see if things continue to improve – if they do, keep dating. It’s a process.

Online dating is all about first impressions. After all, there’s a big pool of daters out there – if someone doesn’t interest you or work out from the start, there’s plenty more to meet! You might think - why waste time with someone who didn’t text back right away, acted nervous throughout the night, or canceled your first date three times? No thanks!

But what happens when you are the one who wants a do-over?

Sometimes, you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. But if you do, it’s important to own your mistakes – and try to improve upon them. I’ve provided two real-life examples, though some of the details I changed for privacy’s sake:

Drinking Disaster

Jessica met Ryan over Tinder, and they immediately hit it off. After a few drinks Jessica was feeling bold and started flirting heavily, something she usually doesn’t do. Then she leaned in for the kiss, biting down hard on his lip. He was wondering what to do as his mouth started throbbing. Jessica suggested taking off to her place, but not before she fell over trying to get down from her barstool. She made it outside before throwing up. Ryan helped her to a cab and sent her home by herself – and the whole experience turned him off Tinder for a while.

Two weeks later, he got a text from Jessica apologizing for her behavior and asking if she could get a second chance. “I didn’t really see the point, but we did have good chemistry so eventually I agreed. I needed to find out who she really was.” This time, she didn’t drink and took her time instead of giving in to the chemistry. Two months later, they’re still dating. He was able to look past her initial behavior after he got to know the real Jessica.

Questionable comment

Stacey saw Jake’s picture on an online dating site, and decided to contact him. They had a few exchanges, but something he said in passing really bothered Stacey so she stopped communicating. When she went back to the same dating site a few weeks later, he still popped up as one of her matches, so she decided to give him a second chance. After rescheduling their date three times because Stacy’s work got too busy, Jake was annoyed, but still agreed to meet her. When they did meet, they clicked.

After talking to him in person, Stacey realized that she had misunderstood Jake initially because she had taken his online response the wrong way. If she hadn’t given him another chance to prove himself – and if he had given up on meeting her after cancelling so many times – they never would have connected and fallen in love. His good heart won her over, and they have been dating ever since.

Have you turned someone down because of a first impression? Maybe it’s time to give someone a second chance.