Dating

There’s something to be said for taking things slowly. In fact, I advocate for this in my book Date Expectations. When you first start going out with someone, even if the chemistry is there – you don’t really know him/her – so it’s best to take things one step at a time, and date other people too. The problem is that people have taken this idea to an extreme, and instead prefer to “hang out,” because dating is such a commitment.

Yes, even meeting someone for a drink can be too much commitment in some daters’ eyes.

A recent article in Mic.com outlines this as the “chill” dating phenomenon. According to the writer Kate Hakala, the current dating currency is "your degree of chill." That is, you are more apt to get dates if you prove yourself to be indifferent to relationships. In other words, she says, become an “emotionless robot” who has no accountability or concern for others’ feelings, and you will find yourself at the top of the dating heap.

This is not good news for many daters, who, despite efforts at passing themselves off as “chill” – never mind all those unanswered texts and strings of messages and dates who disappear - actually care about finding a relationship. Instead, daters are having to accept bad behavior guised in the form of being relaxed about dating. If you have expectations, then you are too high maintenance.

Perhaps it has to do with the way we communicate now – making plans via text, wehre it is easy to cancel last minute without having to make excuses face-to-face. The rise of dating apps like Tinder, where new singles are always accessible, 24/7 hasn’t helped much either. It has turned dating into a commodity – where we all believe peoples’ feelings don’t matter so much because in the grand scheme of things, we can find someone else.

I tend to take a more cautious and critical approach to chill dating. I don’t think it is helping people with their relationship skills. In fact, I think it’s creating a culture of anxiety-ridden daters, who have no idea what to make of their dates and feel really uncomfortable having any kind of conversation to define their relationship.

I don't think it’s a bad thing to talk about your feelings. In fact, it’s incredibly freeing. If you aren’t feeling it with someone after several dates, don’t just disappear. Break up with your date. Allow for some closure. There’s nothing chill about playing around with other peoples’ feelings. Just because you don’t take the relationship seriously doesn’t mean you should assume your date is on the exact same page as you. Chances are, she’s not.

Being chill isn't doing you any favors - maybe it's time to take some chances with someone you're attracted to instead and see what happens.

Have you gone through a painful break-up? Chances are, you want to take some time off from romance before you start dating again. It takes time to heal, as well as a lot of self-love and acceptance of being on your own. Grief, pain, and anger are not easy emotions to process.

Sometimes we divert our emotional struggles by hooking up with random strangers, or jumping into the next relationship right away, before we’ve had a chance to process our feelings and move to a healthier emotional place. This is especially hurtful if your ex moves on quickly – making you feel like he “got over you” without effort while you are still struggling.

Rest assured, you are not alone. Your ex might be hiding his feelings behind another relationship where he will likely make the same mistakes. Don’t try to copy him. Your life is your own, and it’s up to you to claim it for yourself.

If you’re looking to start dating again, here are some tips to help you:

Take your time. Break-ups are difficult and emotional – don’t assume you can move on effortlessly into your next relationship without taking some time to decompress, let go, and embrace your single life. We all must learn to love ourselves before we can love someone else. Don’t mask your pain with jumping into the next exciting encounter, hoping to avoid your own grief. It’s okay to grieve. You owe it to yourself to process your feelings and move on to a healthier relationship.

Know Your Own Needs. When you’ve been in a relationship long enough, you may start to confuse your wants and needs with your partner’s. Or perhaps you’ve been a couple for so long you don’t even know yourself as an independent person anymore. Now is the time to shift your thinking – to be selfish. To try new things, see what you love. This is the way to discover what it is you’re really looking for – to look outside of a relationship first.

Spend time with friends. Friends help remind us of who we are, and provide a safe place to fall. Don’t be afraid to reach out, your friends will be there for you.

Have a little fun. If you want to date, it’s time to have a good perspective about the process. It can be grueling and defeating at times, but it can also be surprising and joyful. This is the time to head in to it with no expectations – to learn about other people, to see what dating is about, to have a little fun. Don’t take it seriously, and don’t look for a relationship right away. Again, this is the perfect time to experiment - take your time, and enjoy the ride.

Single celebrities have not been shy to admit that they are on Tinder. Stars like Lindsay Lohan, Chris Pine, former Miss USA Nana Meriwether and Mindy Kaling have all been spotted on the popular dating app. The latest celebrity to check it out is recently divorced single mom Hilary Duff.

Duff shared her fascination with Tinder on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show, admitting that she wasn’t sure what to make of the dating app at first, but she told her girlfriends after helping them swipe left and right on a few of their matches, she wanted to join. They protested, but Duff insisted it would be fun.

Turns out, it has been fun for her – she was recently spotted on a date in a bowling alley, and later in the week getting pizza with the same guy. Apparently, a man she met on Tinder.

Rumors are swirling that she signed up with Tinder to film a new dating reality show, one that follows her around on her various Tinder dates. According to The Daily Mail, film cameras were present when Hilary and her date went to dinner, but the crew left when they went to a bar.

Hilary went into some detail about her date on Seacrest’s show. “We went bowling so we didn't have to talk too much, but we did talk a lot actually,” she said. “He was cool. He brought a friend and I had some friends there. He used to be in editing for reality shows. Now, he's an actor and he just wrote a play. He's an interesting guy. To be honest, I don't really want an actor either … I think he has a few jobs.”

'I'm just a Tinder animal!' she joked. 'I had my Tinder training wheels on for my first date. Now it's smooth sailing.'

Duff’s latest project is a co-starring role in the series “Younger” alongside Broadway star Sutton Foster, where she plays friend and co-worker to Foster who is trying to pass herself off as 26 to keep her job. Duff hasn’t announced whether there is a dating reality show project in the works.

Duff assured Seacrest during her interview that whoever she dates has to be accepted by her son Luca, who she described as a “Mama’s boy.”

According to TMZ, she has swiped right on 9 guys so far since she joined a few weeks ago. Now we just have to wait for the show to launch.

Little Lizzie McGuire herself, Hilary Duff, is officially on Tinder.

Her appearance on the popular dating app has been big news since a Tinder user came across her profile and posted a screen shot to Reddit. Naturally, there were plenty of skeptics, but Duff confirmed to radio show Valentine in the Morning that she is indeed on the app. And that's not all she had to say about her new adventures as a mobile dater.

"In my life I've always had really serious boyfriends, I've always met people through work, and I've never been on a blind date," she said. Determined to try something new, she turned to Tinder and called the experience “wildly addicting” so far.

Some would dip their toes slowly into the online dating waters, but not Ms. Duff. She jumped straight in and says she's talking to “probably about nine guys right now.” Not to suggest she has no standards – a shirtless mirror selfie is an instant swipe left, she explains, while a funny profile is likely to get you a right swipe.

Duff even went as far as to dish on her first Tinder dates. It appears her style is low-key, active, and affordable. Her first date was to a bowling alley, with the second scheduled for a go-karting track. She even brought friends along to the first date, making sure things stayed safe and laidback.

So how did things go on the big day? During an interview with On Air With Ryan Seacrest, Duff said “He was cool. He brought a friend and I had some friends there. He used to be in editing for reality shows. Now, he’s an actor and he just wrote a play. He’s an interesting guy.”

Still, it doesn't seem that sparks flew on the first try. She says the night didn't end with a kiss, and that she's unsure about the prospect of a second date. “I don’t know how I’m feeling,” she told Seacrest. “We’ll see how it goes.”

Duff likely has plenty more meetups to look forward to, as rumor has it cameras were rolling during her bowling date. Sources told TMZ that Duff plans to capture her exploits in the dating world on camera for a reality show that chronicles her life as a new divorcée.

So far her rep has no comment about the potential reality show, but Duff was allegedly seen on a second date and once again cameras were recording the proceedings.

Will you be tuning in if the Duff dating show makes it to TV?

Across the board, so-called “hookup apps” have a certain reputation. It's right there in the name. While plenty of singles use dating apps like Tinder to find actual relationships, popular perception skews in a much more sensationalized direction.

No group falls victim to that melodramatic media coverage more than the gay community, who constantly catch flack for the use of Grindr and similar apps. The common refrain is that these applications encourage risky sexual behavior and exist only for easy, no-strings-attached gratification, but a new study may have people rethinking that narrow-minded assumption.

Garrett Prestage, associate professor of sociology at the University of New South Wales’ Kirby Institute, says 80% of gay men now find their boyfriends through apps and dating websites.

According to his research, published in AIDS and Behaviour and backed by the National Health and Medical Research Council and LaTrobe University, showed that only 14% of gay men met their partners online in 2001. Fourteen years later, things are drastically different.

Today, the numbers of gay men who meet long-term partners at bars, at sex-on-premises venues, and through friends have dropped dramatically, and the changing landscape of gay dating is forcing safer-sex campaigners to rethink their strategies and assumptions.

It's long been said that men who using dating sites or mobile apps are at a higher risk than men who do not, but Prestage casts doubt upon any studies that seem to confirm that theory. “This data show that this is faulty logic because most gay men meet partners this way… be that romantic or sexual,” he says. “If they’re comparing it with men who don’t use apps they’re comparing men who are sexually active with those who are not.”

Prestage adds that “the myth that an online hook up is only just about sex” could mean that health organisations using apps and websites for HIV prevention outreach could be falling short of their goals.

“A more sensible approach is simply to accept that men are more likely to meet via online methods these days and make sure that there are appropriate online interventions and information,” he argues.

A more effective tactic would be to target specific users based on what they're looking for, providing different messaging for men looking for relationships and men looking for casual sex. Ultimately, while apps can certainly help increase awareness around sexual health campaigns, they aren't a sufficient strategy for serious engagement.

Health organizations must adapt to the changing landscape of gay dating if they want to remain relevant and engaging.

Let’s face it – dating today is elusive. People are meeting new potential dates all the time with the popularity of dating apps like Tinder and Grindr. It’s no wonder that commitment is hard to come by – even for just one date.

Have you ever experienced the “fade” in dating – some call it ghosting – where the person you’ve been seeing suddenly disappears with no reason or explanation? You might have thought things were going great. Maybe you were looking forward to the concert you were going to invite him to, or perhaps you were fantasizing about a future relationship. After all, he was really into you, or so you thought – why not get excited?

But then, inexplicably, your texts and calls went unanswered. Maybe you only went out a few times, but you were starting to get emotionally invested. It’s only natural to want an explanation – to understand why this person you thought was so interested didn’t choose you.

But think about it – you’ve probably been on the other side of this relationship, too. Maybe you started dating someone and it was fun for a while, but you decided as time went on that you really weren’t into that person. Or maybe you decided you didn’t want a relationship that quickly – that you’d rather keep dating. Or maybe you weren’t over your ex and your date had become a nice distraction. Unfortunately, you weren’t as into him as he was into you.

Did you pull the fade on him?

If you’ve only been out a few times, or you never really established what your relationship is, then it’s difficult to know what to do when that person disappears. After all, you weren’t “together” – at least not in any committed sense. So what’s the problem, and why are you so upset over a relationship that wasn’t “real”?

The problem with this thinking is that it’s misguided. Even if you haven’t had “the talk” with someone you have dated, if you have developed feelings, then it can be just as devastating as a real break-up. This is why it’s important to not pull the fade.

Instead, honor and respect the person you’ve been dating by letting her know you aren’t interested in a relationship. It might hurt to be blunt, but it will help the other person move on more quickly and easily. After all, wouldn’t you want to know?

It’s important to be clear in this age of elusiveness in dating. It will create more open and honest relationships in your life. Don’t pretend to be friends or continue to hook up with someone you aren’t interested in. Make a clean break. Allow him to move on, too.