Dating

A recent article in Marie Claire surveyed single men across the U.S. to ask them about the online dating profiles they come across, and what they felt women lied about most when writing their online dating profiles.

The number one thing guys think women lie about is their looks – whether it’s their weight, “athleticism,” height, or even whether or not they've posted an old picture from five years ago. Enough women have used tricks to make themselves look more “attractive” – from using old photos to Photoshopping their features to avoiding posting full-body pictures – so that men are automatically suspicious of how they portray themselves physically, and what they might be hiding. So ladies, no more cover-ups. Include recent photos, and a body shot as well as headshots. Since there are also studies on the wide range of taste men have, you should show off your “flaws” - likely, it means more dates.

Men also believe women lie about their age. Let’s face it – I think this happens for both genders, especially for men who want to date much younger women. There is an age bias in online dating, which contributes to this phenomenon, but perhaps we should all do a reality check. Do you really want to admit you lied about something so fundamental when you meet in person, especially if you really like the guy? It pays to come clean from the start, so trust won’t be an issue.

Men are also weary of women who post that they love their independence – and include lots of photos with their girlfriends as proof. If you describe yourself as "not clingy," the first thing a man will wonder is – how clingy will she be? Instead of saying this in your profile, talk about the trips you’ve taken or the things you like to do. There’s no need to prove your independence if you have it.

Perhaps thanks to the movie/ book “Gone Girl,” men also get suspicious of any woman who describes herself as “laid-back.” They immediately wonder if she’s very sensitive or highly reactive. Same thing with women who describe themselves as successful – if they have to say it, are they really? (Plus, men tend to lie about their own success.) Again, it’s best to avoid defending yourself to someone who has never met you.

The last and most important thing to note is that men don’t believe it when women say they want a “casual” relationship. When they take this statement at face value, often times, the women end up wanting more, so they avoid women who write this altogether. The important thing to remember is – be honest. If you want a relationship, you shouldn’t be afraid to admit it. In fact, it will help you weed out the ones who don’t – because you won’t succeed in changing them.

When we think of abusive relationships, we often think of adults with dysfunctional, toxic partners. However, abusive relationships among dating teens is on the rise. According to a recent study revealed at the most recent meeting of the American Psychological Association, an overwhelming 49% of teens have experienced some form of abuse in their romantic relationships.

According to an article in DatingAdvice.com, Based on 2011 and 2012 data from a Growing Up with Media survey of 1,058 teens between the ages of 14 and 20, researchers concluded that almost half of adolescents who have dated someone have been victims of violence at least once in their lives, and astoundingly, 46 percent have been the perpetrator of violence.

Abusive relationships can take on many forms, but most often when we think of abuse, we think of physical or sexual abuse. However, some types of abuse are emotional or psychological, and therefore harder to identify or understand. Such is the case with many abusive teen relationships. Roughly 21% of teen relationships in the study were found to involve sexual or physical abuse. As is more often the case, the majority of abusive relationships tend to be emotional, especially with use of digital technology to manipulate a romantic relationship.

Emotional abuse seems to account for a large majority of the study’s results as it can come in various forms ranging from verbal name-calling to psychological manipulation. This type of abuse happens often via texting and digital means, as well as in person.

Another surprising result noted in the study was that the overall rates of teen dating violence are similar for both boys and girls. Twenty-nine percent of girls and 24% of boys admitted to playing the role of both victim and abuser in their relationships. Researchers discovered there was a lot of overlap in those who had been abused and those who were victim to it.

Researchers at the American Psychological Association said that violence should be studied more specifically, instead of categorizing those in relationships as either “victims” or “abusers,” as there is more of a gray line. This lack of understanding of the whole picture can lead to ineffective prevention of violent relationships.

Researchers acknowledged that young people who experience abusive relationships are more apt to enter into adulthood with emotional challenges, such as anxiety, depression, and substance abuse issues. Almost a quarter of women who reported experiencing partner violence as adults had also experienced some type of abuse when they were young.

I hear a lot of feedback from people when I tell them I write about dating. It's a hot-button issue for many, and most of the time, they can’t wait to share with me all of their dating horror stories and the confusing messages they receive. In fact, this was the reason I wrote my book, Date Expectations.

But mostly, after the stories are told, they still want to know how to meet a great guy/ woman. Then, they want to know why it’s impossible to meet anyone decent on Tinder when practically everyone is on it. Then the last thing they want to know is: why should they even try online dating?

I admit, online dating is hard. Regular dating is hard. Thinking of the perfect message to send someone you’re interested in is daunting. So why even bother going up to a complete stranger and trying to start a conversation when it’s even more intimidating and stressful, and you can’t delete your line and start over again?

But I think most people have misconceptions about online dating. Looking for love is not like going to Amazon, reading the reviews, and ordering the jacket you want in just the right size or color. Dating is dealing with human beings – none of them perfect, all with some type of baggage or issues – but many people refuse to let go of their fantasies about the “perfect” partner, and think their made-to-order person is out there waiting to be found.

Before you protest and say you have an open mind, you've dated a lot of different people and none were right, let’s investigate. Think about the times you’ve scrolled through profiles on Tinder. What made you reject someone? Was he too short? Did she wear too much make-up? Did he have a job you didn’t like? Did she seem too fat? Typically, when we find something “wrong” with someone, we tend to ignore the other great qualities and dismiss without even some consideration. We think it’s because we don’t want to waste time. But really – when you date the people who have all the characteristics you like, chances are they still aren't quite "The One;" there are still flaws.

The truth is, romantic relationships require patience. Sure, you can have instant chemistry with someone (which helps the process along), but if you don’t have the same relationship goals, or you find out later you don't have much in common, or that he’s really a jerk, you are left angry and confused.

On the other hand, if you meet someone you like but aren’t sure about, chances are you move on to the next without letting the relationship unfold. We are in such a rush to get to the “end” – the relationship with the perfect partner – that we could totally miss someone who could be that, because we are derailed by what we think we want – good job, height, etc. – and not by what we actually want – someone who listens and understands who we are.

This takes time. This takes effort. I encourage all of you to date at a slower pace, and get to know each person. Love unfolds in front of you, sometimes when you least expect it - and more often, with the person you never would have expected.

Aziz Ansari already has a reputation as an actor, stand-up comic, and fashionable gentleman. Now, as author of a new book called Modern Romance, he's looking to add “dating guru” to that list.

The book is a humorous collection of essays and observations that chronicle the challenges of looking for love in the age of Tinder. Ansari is no stranger to the subject. He's talked extensively in his stand-up about the ways technology — smartphones, texting, social media, online dating, and more — affects today’s dating landscape. But this time, he's coming at it from a different angle.

Modern Romance was written with sociologist Eric Klinenberg, who provides a welcome dose of serious insight to balance Ansari's humor. Together they conducted a research project that took over a year to complete and involved hundreds of interviews.

“We talked to old people, married people, young people, single people, everybody,” Ansari tweeted. “We also enlisted some of the best social scientists to help us understand and study all the facets of modern love and romance.”

The results are both funny and fascinating. Texting, in particular, was a popular subject. Modern Romance highlights several bad texting habits plaguing 21^st century daters:

• Ambiguity. Are you “hanging out” or going on a date? “The lack of clarity over whether the meet-up is even an actual date frustrates both sexes to no end,” Ansari writes. “Since it’s usually the guys initiating,” he adds, “this is a clear area where men can step it up.” Guys, time to step it up and get straightforward.
• Endless nonsense. “I can’t tell you how many girls I met who were clearly interested in a guy who, instead of asking them out, just kept sucking them into more mundane banter,” writes Ansari. Let that be a lesson to you: skip the boring back-and-forths about laundry and grocery shopping. Get to the good stuff: are you meeting up, when, and where?
• “Hey.”If that's all you have to say in a text message, it's better left unsent. Especially if it has multiple Ys. Although Ansari admits to sending plenty of his own “hey” texts, he cautions that “generic messages come off as super dull and lazy” and “make the recipient feel like she’s not very special or important to you.”

Thankfully, it's not all bad. “We also found some really good texts that gave me hope for the modern man,” Ansari says. A good text, he explains, involves any or all of these:

• An invitation to something specific at a specific time
• A callback to a previous interaction with the person
• A humorous tone

Pre-order a copy of the book here and start channeling your inner Aziz.

Popular dating apps like Tinder and Grindr have a reputation of being so-called "hook-up" apps. While more and more people are turning to dating apps to meet singles for long-term love and/ or a casual affair, this trend appears to coincide with a rise in the rates of syphilis and HIV, too.

Public health officials in Rhode Island released a health report last week stating that there has been a 79% rise in syphilis cases in the state between 2013 and 2014, and that it’s attributable in part to the use of social media and dating apps to arrange casual or anonymous hookups. People having unprotected sex, multiple sex partners, and having sex under the influence of drugs and alcohol were also cited as reasons for the increase in STDs.

“These new data underscore the importance of encouraging young people to begin talking to a doctor, nurse, or health educator about sexual health before becoming sexually active and especially after becoming sexually active,” Rosemary Reilly-Chamma of the Rhode Island Department of Education said in the report.

A rise in STDs, particularly HIV and syphilis, were also reported in New York, Utah, and Texas, where officials have warned of increased risk of transmission. The New York City Health Department announced earlier this year that men in the neighborhood of Chelsea had the highest infection rate of syphilis in the country.

Anindya Ghose, co-author of a study that monitored the rise of STDs along with the launch of Craiglist personals ads, believes that online dating apps have had a similar effect. "Basically what the Internet does is makes it a lot easier to find a casual partner," he told VICE News. "Without the Internet you'd have to put effort into casual relationships, chatting with someone at the bar or hanging out in places, but these platforms make it a lot more convenient and easy. That's essentially what the primary driver is."

Others disagree, citing a lack of education and resources, especially for young people, the largest group at risk. They argue that community health providers, doctors, and even schools should educate people about the risks of not using condoms and other protection when engaging in casual sex. Access to condoms and affordable healthcare are two big concerns.

Social media and dating apps make it easier to meet people, but they didn’t create the problem of STD risk. They magnified a problem that already existed – casual sexual encounters without adequate knowledge of safety and protection leave people vulnerable to risk.

There’s something to be said for taking things slowly. In fact, I advocate for this in my book Date Expectations. When you first start going out with someone, even if the chemistry is there – you don’t really know him/her – so it’s best to take things one step at a time, and date other people too. The problem is that people have taken this idea to an extreme, and instead prefer to “hang out,” because dating is such a commitment.

Yes, even meeting someone for a drink can be too much commitment in some daters’ eyes.

A recent article in Mic.com outlines this as the “chill” dating phenomenon. According to the writer Kate Hakala, the current dating currency is "your degree of chill." That is, you are more apt to get dates if you prove yourself to be indifferent to relationships. In other words, she says, become an “emotionless robot” who has no accountability or concern for others’ feelings, and you will find yourself at the top of the dating heap.

This is not good news for many daters, who, despite efforts at passing themselves off as “chill” – never mind all those unanswered texts and strings of messages and dates who disappear - actually care about finding a relationship. Instead, daters are having to accept bad behavior guised in the form of being relaxed about dating. If you have expectations, then you are too high maintenance.

Perhaps it has to do with the way we communicate now – making plans via text, wehre it is easy to cancel last minute without having to make excuses face-to-face. The rise of dating apps like Tinder, where new singles are always accessible, 24/7 hasn’t helped much either. It has turned dating into a commodity – where we all believe peoples’ feelings don’t matter so much because in the grand scheme of things, we can find someone else.

I tend to take a more cautious and critical approach to chill dating. I don’t think it is helping people with their relationship skills. In fact, I think it’s creating a culture of anxiety-ridden daters, who have no idea what to make of their dates and feel really uncomfortable having any kind of conversation to define their relationship.

I don't think it’s a bad thing to talk about your feelings. In fact, it’s incredibly freeing. If you aren’t feeling it with someone after several dates, don’t just disappear. Break up with your date. Allow for some closure. There’s nothing chill about playing around with other peoples’ feelings. Just because you don’t take the relationship seriously doesn’t mean you should assume your date is on the exact same page as you. Chances are, she’s not.

Being chill isn't doing you any favors - maybe it's time to take some chances with someone you're attracted to instead and see what happens.