Dating

Extroverts – those people who thrive in social situations – are really fun to be around. Many of us enjoy their company and find a sense of relief that someone else can steer the conversation and be entertaining at parties, but when it comes to dating an extrovert one-on-one it can be a little intimidating, especially if you’re an introvert or somewhat shy.

If you are attracted to people with high energy who typically seem “on” – who love to be the center of attention and make others laugh – it can be challenging. After all, you are attracted to their energy and enthusiasm, and the way an extrovert can draw people in. But you might also find yourself feeling isolated or overwhelmed when you are dating him/ her. Maybe you find yourself retreating into solitude at parties or wanting to spend less time socializing and more time just staying in for the night.

So how do you approach dating an extrovert in a more balanced way when you don’t want to be social all the time, and your extrovert is not so happy to stay in and cook dinner as much as you are?

There can be a happy medium – it just takes some effort and understanding from both of you. Here are some tips:

Decide your level of comfort in social settings. Do you feel pressured to be social by your date, or are you attracted to a man who can coax you out of the house on fun excursions or adventures? Most of us lie somewhere in between the introvert/ extrovert spectrum – so know how much you are willing to go beyond your comfort zone, and when you need to take a step back and regroup. Everyone will be different, so don’t feel pressured to do things that lead to feeling resentful. State your boundaries.

Pay attention to communication. Don’t ignore your feelings if you think he’s not paying enough attention to you or if he thinks you don’t understand him. Acknowledge your differences instead of trying to prove the value of your own point of view to each other. You can both get your needs met, as long as you both know what they are.

Go your own ways. Sometimes he might feel like going to a party when you don’t. Instead of dragging yourself to it and feeling resentful, allow him to go on his own while you enjoy a nice quiet night on your own. Then you will both feel more connected when you see each other again.

Check in with each other. Sometimes extroverts need more down time, and perhaps she gets quiet when she’s alone with you. There’s no need to feel anxious that you’re not entertaining enough or that she’s bored by your relationship. Everyone needs time to recharge – and she feels safe doing that around you.

The ongoing feud between Kendall Jenner and Taylor Swift has emerged recently in the press. Apparently the singer still feels betrayed by her one-time friend, and Kendall isn’t acknowledging she did anything wrong by dating Swift’s ex-boyfriend Harry Styles.

“Harry’s always been the biggest issue between them,” according to a report by OK! Magazine. “Taylor thinks it was completely disrespectful for Kendall to be hooking up with Harry after he broke Taylor’s heart.”

Dating a friend’s ex has always been a thorny subject. Does your loyalty to your friend mean that you never cross that particular boundary, even long after they have split? Or should you cast aside your grievances with your ex so that it’s not an issue if your friend ends up dating him?

When two people have split, they are free to make their own decisions, including who they decide to date. Some people are more reluctant to risk friendships than others. Some are more motivated by their passion, so they end up choosing risk because the feeling of love will outweigh the bonds of friendship.

If you are considering dating your friend’s ex, there are several things to consider first – because remember, once you start down that road, you can’t really turn back:

How strong is your friendship? Have you known each other for years, seen each other through break-ups and hard times, or are you relatively recent buddies, or hang out with the same group of friends on the weekend? The level of friendship matters – you’ll feel more loyalty towards someone you have known a while, so you might not want to risk the friendship. On the other hand, if she’s more of an acquaintance, you might not feel bad letting the friendship go.

Are you motivated only by passion or chemistry, or something deeper? Is this just a flirtatious chemistry between the two of you, or are you just curious to see what he’d be like? If so, you might want to reconsider dating your friend’s ex. Think about the pain you might cause her just because you want to act on your impulses. There are plenty of other guys out there.

Have you discussed your feelings with your friend? Maybe you are drawing conclusions that are false. Maybe she wouldn’t mind you dating her ex, or maybe she would and you are giving her the opportunity to vent. Admitting your feelings to your friend is an act of courage and respect for the friendship – don’t hide and sneak around until she finds out. Own your feelings, and be open about what you want.

Are you willing to let go of the friendship? This is the tough question, because we want to have our friendships and love. But if your friend is hurt by your actions, you must allow her that space to grieve so she can heal. That means not demanding her friendship or understanding. Let her process her pain. Maybe she will want the friendship in the end, or maybe she won’t – ultimately, when you make that type of choice, it’s up to her to decide what to do.

It happens in dating – you meet someone, you exchange numbers or friend him/her on Facebook, and then you want to reach out. Maybe you can’t stop thinking about him, or maybe he left a good impression when you first spoke. Regardless, let’s say you’ve had a few drinks and you’re feeling pretty fearless.

Next thing you know, you’ve sent a flirtatious text to someone you don’t even know that well. Maybe you are feeling more fearless when a couple of minutes goes by with no response, so you send another, flirtier message.

Soon, you’ve sent five messages with no response, and now you are sending yourself into a tailspin of negative self-talk. What is wrong with me? You ask. Why isn’t he texting me back?

At some point, likely the next day when you are picking up your phone to go through your emails, you look back on those texts you sent and cringe. Then the negative self-talk increases. Why did I have to text him so many times? What is wrong with me? Why did I text him at all?

We all do things we regret. Not every social encounter where you feel attracted to someone is going to result in a date. And there is a lot of pressure involved in reaching out to someone you don’t know – what do you say? Will they get your sense of humor? These anxieties we harbor make it much easier to communicate when we are not “in our right minds” – so to speak. Maybe you should have waited to reach out until the next day, or maybe you should only have sent one text instead of five. But what’s done is done, and it’s important to move past it.

Instead of feeling embarrassed and ashamed, it’s time to understand that communication slip-ups are part of the dating process. We all make mistakes. We misunderstand each other. You in all likelihood have received drunk or regrettable texts from other guys, too.

There is nothing wrong with making yourself vulnerable or expressing your interest in someone else. But when you obsess over a mistake, you are preventing yourself from moving on. Instead, you get wrapped up in your own patterns and behavior. But really, we should all take ourselves a little less seriously, and take respect and caring for others a little more seriously. In fact, extending compassion and kindness to your dates who just weren’t right for you – whether it’s because they drunk texted or you just aren’t into them – is the way to a better dating environment for all.

If you regret sending that text, make the decision to accept your mistake. And understand that just because you didn’t get the response you were after, it doesn’t mean you suck at dating and you just shouldn’t bother. In fact, it’s good to remind yourself in these moments of all the things you are – a good person, smart, kind, and respectful. Dwell on these positive self-talk messages for a while, and again, extend that kindness and forgiveness to others. There’s no need to be snarky in your own dating life.

Many of us have anxiety when it comes to first dates. After all, you’re expected to make a good impression in front of a total stranger. But what happens if you say the wrong thing, or there’s a pause in the conversation?  Or what if you’re not feeling so attractive or desirable? These things can affect the date itself, and how you feel about the person you’re meeting.

You don’t want to start off on the wrong foot. But it’s also important to approach it with a sense of humor and non-attachment, so that your anxiety doesn't take over.

Like with job interviews, sometimes first dates just take a little practice. They are a way to see if you have a connection – not if you can impress another person so much that they’ll fall instantly in love with you.

The mistake many of us make is that we think there should be instant chemistry on a first date, so it makes the pressure to create the chemistry even greater. But chemistry can take time to build, and often happens only when we show our vulnerabilities, when we decide to be honest in the moment and share our truth. That allows your date to open up more to you, too.

Following are some tips to help take the pressure off of first dates – and hopefully create an environment for connection:

Pick a location where you can feel comfortable. Instead of going for the latest trendy bar, or an expensive foodie experience, think of where you like to spend time. Is it at a museum, or low-key cafe, or at the brew house down the street? Pick a place that is enjoyable for you – it helps ease an already pressure-filled situation.

Pick an activity instead of a coffee date. Sometimes even the idea of sitting across from a stranger and trying to come up with witty conversation is just too daunting. Instead of putting yourself through that, take the pressure off by engaging in an activity. Go for a hike, or bike ride, or outdoor concert. Whatever you decide, it will provide you with something to talk about and ease the pressure to impress.

Invest some time – don’t date back to back. Some people life to be efficient and schedule dates back to back in blocks of "free" time. But this can create anxiety as well – and you never really enjoy each date because you’re looking at the clock. With a good date, you are totally in the moment. So don’t overschedule – or you set yourself up for failure.

Choose an outfit that makes you happy. Uncomfortable heels aren’t a requirement on a first date. If you love your Converse, dress them up with a flirty summer dress. Don’t be afraid to show off your style, and try to wear something you’ve worn before. If you feel good and comfortable in what you wear (and not constantly pulling up your bra straps, for instance), then you are more relaxed on the date.

When you’re online dating, it’s hard to not take rejection personally. After all, your matches rejected you romantically! It doesn’t get more personal than that, right?

Wrong. Online dating is to some extent, a numbers game. That is, anyone who is online dating is bound to get rejected because of the sheer number of people doing it, whether your match swiped left on Tinder or wrote a heart-felt rejection message over eHarmony. Not every love connection is going to work out. In fact, most of them don’t.

Instead of taking it personally when you get rejected online, following are a few things to understand and help you gain perspective – so take heart:

It’s not personal.

Rejection happens to everyone. If you’ve been online dating long enough, it can get downright discouraging. But this doesn’t mean you’re hopeless. It just means that there are a lot of options out there, and some people aren’t willing to take the time to get to know the real you, and that’s okay. Some people will choose to get to know you, too. Like everything in life that’s rewarding, online dating requires a bit of patience and perseverance.

What would you have done differently?

Online dating gives us a unique opportunity to see and evaluate our own behavior apart from our familiar circles of friends and family. Dates are subjective, but they react to how you present yourself. Were you in a bad mood on the date? Are you harboring judgment or anger? These things can come across to your date, so pay attention to what is going on inside of you, as well as your date.

You’ve rejected people, too.

Think back to those people whose messages you ignored, those profiles you swiped left on. Chances are, you have done your share of rejecting, too. Was it personal? I’d bet in most cases, it wasn’t personal at all – just a preference. So don’t take it so personally when an online date rejects you.

Your date might have met someone else.

A lot can happen in one night. If your date was chatting with someone else and decided to pursue her, that’s a choice – it’s not a reflection on you. Or, your date might have gotten back together with an ex. You never know what might have happened to someone else or what they have going on in their lives, so don’t drive yourself crazy with analyzing every text or date. Just let it go, and know that someone else is out there.

There are still more people to meet.

As I just mentioned, online dating presents all kinds of new options, at any time you want. If you want to feel better after a rejection, spice up your profile, reach out to some new people, and see what happens. Online dating can get you down, but it can also be an ego boost.

If you’re single, chances are you’ve been given a lot of advice. The bigger question is – how much of it was actually helpful? Some people have good intentions, but if they haven't dated in twenty years, they could be giving outdated advice.

Instead of relying on the opinions of friends, family or even co-workers, it’s better to understand your own experiences and learn from them. Chances are, you’ve picked up a thing or two from the dates you’ve been on. The key question is – are you going to change your own behavior, or are you going to keep doing things the way you have been because those are the “rules” of dating?

Dating is changing all the time – thanks in large part to the accessibility of meeting other people through online dating services and apps. We no longer have to drag ourselves to a local bar to chat with someone – we can do it over our phones while binge-watching Real Housewives or standing in line at the grocery store. In fact, most dating-related conversations take place over the phone.

So what are some traditional dating “rules” you can kiss goodbye? Start here:

Letting the man ask you out.

It’s 2015, not 1952. Women and men compete for the same jobs and make decisions about what kind of life they want to lead. So why should dating be stuck back in the dark ages? Instead, ladies – it’s time to take some control and ask guys out. It’s incredibly easy to do with dating apps, and it’s no pressure.

Looking for romance over everything else.

I’m not saying romance is dead – in fact, it can be better than ever. But we need to recognize the difference between lust at first sight and real love. Attraction is great, but if someone sweeps you off your feet it doesn’t mean a lasting relationship – that is only built over time. So try to say yes to more second and third dates before you dismiss someone because of “lack of chemistry.” Chemistry grows stronger, too.

Letting the man take the lead.

Again, it’s 2015, so there’s no need to check yourself at the door and put your own needs on hold to wait for “cues” from your date about where the relationship will go. You have a say, too. Speak up. If you’re looking for long-term, don’t betray your own feelings by saying you’re fine with something more casual. You have an equal say in what you want, so make sure you take it.

Acting like you don’t care.

Playing the “cool girl” is not a path to success. Sooner or later your inner freak will come out, and that’s a good thing. Nobody is an emotionless void – we all have feelings and reactions, and it’s okay to show them. We’re not robots, and the more we embrace our feelings, the more intimate we can be in relationships.