Advice

Admit it: you have a list.

You know the list I'm talking about. The one that goes something like this:

• Attractive

• Tall

• Blonde hair

• Financially stable

• Funny

• Etc...

Almost everyone has a list of what they're looking for in a partner. For some it's mental, for some it's on paper, for some it's typed into an online dating profile. But whatever format you've chosen for your list, it has something in common with everyone else's lists: it may be holding you back. When you get right down to it, what is your list? It's just a series of adjectives, adjectives that tell you almost nothing about who a person is and whether or not they'll be compatible with you.

But when you dig deeper, and start thinking about the kind of relationship that will fulfill you and the kind of partner who will make you happy, you can take that series of meaningless adjectives and turn it into something that's actually useful.

You've probably heard a lot about what you "deserve" in a relationship. You've read dating advice from relationship gurus who say that you should be picky because you deserve to have a partner who's perfect for you. They tell you that you should never settle for less than what you need and want.

And most of that is true...except that being "picky" rarely leads to happiness. "Picky" means being irrationally selective. Picky means focusing on minute details that rarely have any effect on the quality of a relationship. Picky means rejecting a date because their hair is the wrong length or they forgot to open the door for you because they were nervous or they wore a color you can't stand. Picky means missed opportunities and lost connections because you're so obsessed with insignificant info that you can't see what a great partner someone might actually be.

Instead of being picky, be "discriminating." Discriminating means using good judgment to make a distinction or evaluate something. It's not concerned with trivialities - it's focused on what really counts. You are discriminating when you rule out a potential date because their goals do not align with yours, because they want the relationship to progress more quickly than you do, or because they dislike physical affection while you love it.

Next time you're thinking about your list, ask yourself a new question. The right question isn't "What do I want?" - it's "How do I want to feel?" Then translate those sensations and emotions into more observable qualities and actions that you can look for in a partner. A successful long-term relationship is based on character and behavior, and it takes more than a picky list of random adjectives to find that.

I think many of us can agree that Valentine's Day is a greeting card holiday, so we shouldn't take it so seriously. But it's hard to remember that when you're at work on February 14th and see your colleagues getting fresh flower bouquets and chocolates delivered to their desks. You wonder: why not me?

Reminding yourself that this is just one day and that you have a whole year of adventures in front of you can help. So can getting together with your friends. In fact, there are many things you can do on Valentine's Day that will help lift your spirits, change your perspective, and give you a lot to celebrate. For new love to come into the picture, you need an open heart. After all, life brings many unexpected and wonderful things - we just have to be open to receiving them.

Following are some ways to celebrate (yes, celebrate) Valentine's Day this year if you're single:

Make a gratitude list. Write a list of all your family, friends, and even pets who you feel blessed to have in your life. Make a list of all the things you've accomplished in the past year that you're proud of. Make another list of all of the experiences you're enjoyed in the last year - travels, events, walking barefoot through a garden. It doesn't matter what it is, write it down. It will be a physical reminder of how rich your life is right now.

Make fun plans. As tempting as it might be to get together with girlfriends, watch The Vagina Monologues and complain about men or your love lives, try to refrain from all the negative stuff. Enjoy each other's company, and celebrate by dressing up and doing something fun together. Enjoy your freedom as a single person.

Indulge in something. Maybe you want to spend the evening hiking, making sushi or getting a massage. Think about something you really enjoy doing and make a plan to do it on Valentine's Day. Take off work a little early and pamper yourself.

Send a Valentine. Got someone on your gratitude list who really made a difference in your life? Valentine's Day is a great time to show how much this person means to you. Send them a note letting them know how lucky you are to have them in your life. It can make a huge impact.

Meet men. That's right. Valentine's Day isn't only for happy couples. Love is in the air, so why not take advantage? Go to your local bar and strike up a conversation with the guy sitting alone next to you. Or go online and start chatting with other singles. There's nothing stopping you from finding romance, even on Valentine's Day.

We all know about the honeymoon period, that magical time when you can't keep your hands off each other and even a few hours apart feels like an eternity. But what happens afterwards, when the enchantment of the New Relationship Energy has worn off and it's time to get serious? Does your relationship have what it takes to go the distance? The answer is "no" if:

• The focus is mostly physical. Physical affection and a great sex life are musts for many relationships, but they can't be the foundation for long-term love. If your "dates" are really just poorly disguised booty calls, you're not ready for a serious commitment.

• You don't feel special. Your partner is supposed to make you feel like the most attractive, intelligent, funny, talented, wonderful person in the world. If you don't feel like the apple of their eye, it's time to re-evaluate how your date makes you feel and why you're continuing to see someone who doesn't make you feel like the most special person on the planet.

• Suspicious phone behavior. First things first: I'm not giving you permission to read a date's emails or spy on their text messages. But I am suggesting that you take note of how they use their phone. Do they always take calls in another room? Do they try to block their phone so you can't see their caller ID? Are they evasive about who they're speaking to? Do they routinely ignore your calls? If so, you may not be the only date in their life.

• "Closeness" becomes "clingyness." Wanting to spend time together is cute - wanting to spend ALL your time together is creepy. A date who doesn't have a sense of independence or a life of their own will not make a good partner in a long-term relationship. A relationship means being someone's partner, not their caretaker.

• The support system is missing. Can you trust your date? Can you depend on them for anything? Do you feel secure and supported? A person who isn't willing to be your support system is not someone you can be in a relationship with. If they're mysteriously absent when the going gets tough, it's time to cut the cord.

• Intimacy is one-sided. You tell your date everything. You share your deepest secrets and your innermost thoughts. You pour your heart out when you're sad and shout from the rooftops when you're happy. But your date shows as many emotions as a brick wall. A relationship is about give and take - if you give but you never get any intimacy in return, your date's not ready for something more serious.

Don't let the honeymoon period get the better of you. Evaluate your relationships with a critical eye, and know when it's time to move on if you're not getting what you need.

2011 saw a lot of important relationship milestones in my family. 30 years of marriage for my parents. More than 40 years of marriage for my aunt and uncle. And 66 years of marriage for my grandparents. In a world of celebrity marriages that last 72 days, I was in awe of the life-long partnerships my family members had created. So, inspired by their obvious love for each other, I asked my family to share their secrets for making a relationship last. Here's what they had to say:

1. Attraction: Attraction is about more than appearances and the "spark" of chemistry that initially draws a couple together. As a relationship deepens, so does attraction. Intellectual attraction, emotional attraction, attraction to a partner's sense of humor or creativity...these are the kinds of attraction that make a relationship last.

2. Accountability: Take responsibility for your happiness and your actions in a relationship. Hold yourself accountable for creating the relationship you want and upholding the commitments, promises, and obligations you have made. Expect that your partner will do the same.

3. Communication: Strong communication skills are at the heart of every long-term relationship. Become aware of how you communicate and how your partner communicates with you, then create a common communication style that works for both of you. And remember that "communication" doesn't just mean speaking - being a good listener is also a huge part of communicating well.

4. Commonalities: Opposites may attract, but it's similarities that keep a relationship going. Do you and your partner have hobbies and interests in common? Do you have similar lifestyles and habits? Do you share the same goals for your relationship? Do you want the same things out of life? You don't have to be exactly alike, but you do need to have some commonalities in order to stand the test of time.

5. Passion: Passion doesn't just mean sex - passion means affection and connection. Physical passion can be expressed through small gestures like a touch on the arm, a kiss goodnight, or a cuddle on the couch, and romantic passion can be expressed in conversation or in writing.

6. Security: Long-term partners know that they can depend on one another. Do you feel physically and emotionally safe with your partner? Do you offer that kind of security in return? Consistent demonstrations of comfort and safety increase trust and intimacy in a long-term relationship.

7. Support: No relationship can last without support and understanding. Make it a point to be a source of support for your partner on a daily basis. Support their needs, their goals, their dreams for the future. Support them through challenges and major life changes. Support them without judgment and ask them to provide the same support for you.

8. Love: Love your partner for who they are, not for who you want them to be. True, lasting love is unconditional.

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching, a holiday much beloved by children who enjoy candy hearts. For everyone else, though, it seems to be either an obligation, an object of disparagement, or a day of raised expectations. Unlike almost every other holiday, I can’t really find anyone who actually likes Valentine’s Day.

Sure, friends who are in couples enjoy getting a gift or flowers, but nearly every single one says that it would mean the same - no more, no less - on any other day. Many have expressed the same “anti-Valentine’s” sentiment commonly attributed to single people - you don’t have to be single to notice that jewelry ads are literally the same as they were for the winter holidays, with a different voiceover slipped in.

“If my husband completely forgot about Valentine’s Day and we didn’t do anything at all, I probably wouldn’t even notice,” my friend, Chloe, tells me. “That is, I wouldn’t notice if I didn’t have to go to work. Then I just know I’d get tsks and pitying looks from my co-workers. I feel like I have to bring in a stuffed animal to reassure them my marriage is good - which is ridiculous, but easier than being whispered about.”

Why bring this up? Because I’ve known so many single people who feel like they need someone special on Valentine’s Day. Meanwhile, many attached people feel the holiday is just as empty and meaningless for them, and they, too, feel they must be “doing something wrong” if they aren’t wrapped up in the red and lace.

Ask yourself this: isn’t it true that every couple is comprised of two unique individuals? Thus, every couple is a unique combination, with their own ways of expressing love and romantic feelings? Why, then, should there be a one-size-fits-all holiday, with one-size-fits-all traditions?

This Valentine’s Day, whether you’re single or attached, do what makes you (or you and your partner) happy. If you enjoy the kitsch of sending superhero Valentines, great. If you’d like the traditional roses and wine, perfect. And if you’d rather go solo mini-golfing? That works too - in life as well as on one day.

Taking that first step into the world of online dating can be exhilarating - exciting and a little scary. It’s not uncommon, however, to reach a point where the luster wears off, especially if the responses have been less than expected. It might be tempting to just walk away for awhile. And really, that’s not always a bad idea.

Sure, it can be a fine line between taking a breather and throwing a hissy fit. Sometimes people do try out online dating with unreasonable expectations. But sometimes you really do hit a dry spell, or you’re feeling burned out from the search. That’s a totally normal feeling, and you’d do yourself a disservice to go through the motions of online dating if you’re not really feeling it. Or, to put it another way: Would you want to meet someone with whom you have real chemistry while you’re exhausted and in a bad mood?

If you do choose to take a break from online dating, try to be responsible about it: take down your profile. You don’t want to be known as “That person who keeps popping up in my searches, but hasn’t logged on in three months.” Eventually, they’ll stop clicking on you altogether. Later, if you decide to come back, having to re-post your profile will be a good reminder to proofread it and make sure all the information is up-to-date.

Just because you aren’t actively seeking out dates doesn’t mean that you should pull your head out of the game completely. Remember, skills like small talk are just that - skills, which need to be brushed up every so often. Plus, online sites aren’t the only venue in which you might meet someone compatible! Conversely, some people feel the need to disconnect completely from dating while they’re on a break. Only you know what’s right for you.

Online dating is intended to make your life easier, and raise the chances of finding someone with whom you can make a connection. It shouldn’t be a main source of extra stress. If you need to take a break and let the excitement return, do so. Just remember: you probably didn’t join for the “sport” of dating alone (which can be stressful at the best of times), but for the goal of finding a new relationship. It’s up to you to decide the best way to achieve your goals. And the nice thing about online dating? If you decide it really is for you, it will be right there waiting when you’re ready to return.