Dating

The dating app market is flooded, so new companies entering the field and looking to make their mark have to differentiate themselves. For some app developers, it’s taking a female-centric approach, like with Bumble. Others look to social networking connections to make people feel more secure about meeting strangers, like Coffee Meets Bagel or Hinge.

The latest grab for online daters’ attention comes in the form of creating a dating app that is as exclusive as possible.

In other words, a new crop of apps are taking a completely different approach from acquiring the most users, like with Tinder. The success of an online dating company or app has always been evaluated by how large its database of users is. But these apps are banking on another measure of success - that is, how coveted the app is. They are driving demand for the app, and then being selective about who gets to use it.

Dating can be difficult, there’s no doubt about it. One of the most difficult things about online dating is the mental game many of us play. Instead of looking and considering each potential match on its own, we compare and contrast our matches, swiping left and right based on a couple of photos or an Instagram feed. The faster we swipe to reject (or even accept), the faster we can meet someone with whom we have a connection. Someone “better” than the last match.

When we are judging others so swiftly and definitively, it’s hard not to do the same thing to ourselves. Do you wonder what others think of you – why they might be swiping left instead of right? Why another match might be “better” than you? Do you think that peoples’ reactions might change if you were just a little prettier, or more athletic, or taller? (Especially if you reject matches based on these same criteria?) This can ruin your confidence as well as your online dating experience. Sometimes, it’s better to take a step back and gain some much-needed perspective.

Online dating creates the illusion that we are not only sizing each other up, but competing with one another. Let’s take social media as an example – something that most of us check regularly. We are constantly looking at what other people are doing, and how our lives compare.

Have you ever come across the Facebook or Instagram feed of a friend who is always posting vacation photos from exotic locales, or your friend who is part of a happy couple who can’t stop sharing how much they adore each other or their new baby? Maybe you see your friends’ new promotions, new houses, and exciting moments and think your life falls short.

Social media can give us skewed perspectives, and so can endlessly swiping on dating apps. While we might think that other people have an easier time with online dating, or they are getting more dates, or are somehow meeting “better” people online, rest assured – all of us have the same insecurities and challenges.

Instead of looking at online dating as a competition or a numbers game, it’s time to approach it differently. Instead of mindlessly swiping and judging, try taking things slowly. (I know, it’s against the dating app mindset, but it’s necessary.) Try reading what each person says in his/her profile. Spend one minute looking at a profile before moving on to the next. Try looking through an Instagram feed and not judging or comparing your lives, just observing. Try saying yes to a match who doesn’t seem like your type, just to see what the date might be like.

The more you can distance yourself from the cycle of comparing yourself to others, judging others, and hating online dating as a result, the better. Instead, have a more curious approach. Try to get to know someone rather than making a judgment. Seek connection, not perfection.

We all have social anxiety to some degree, but some people have an easier time walking up to total strangers and striking up a conversation. For others, the fear of rejection is so strong it prevents them from even saying hello to someone who catches their eye.

So what can you do about dating if you tend to be shy in social situations?

It’s not easy. But thanks to online dating, some of the initial barriers to conversation have been removed. Chatting with someone online can is easier than chatting with them in person – mostly because you have a little time to think about responses (and delete!), putting your most charming self forward from the start.

But if you find yourself at a bar, on a hike, or at Starbucks and someone you find attractive walks by, instead of looking down at your phone, it's good to muster the courage to say hello. There are a few things to keep in mind when you don't know how to approach someone in person.

Practice makes perfect. Don’t assume that you have to walk away with a phone number or else you’ve failed. The win is in the small steps taken and the effort made. If you have terrible anxiety about approaching a woman, try to strike up a conversation without a goal in mind. And if she isn’t interested? Just try again. Not everyone is going to be open, and you’re not going to be Casanova right off the bat. Give it time, and allow yourself to practice.

Don’t open with a pick-up line. Instead of putting this kind of pressure on yourself to “impress” her with your cheeky confidence, try instead to be more authentic. Compliment her on something unexpected (not her body or curves – but the details like her sense of style, or even her laugh). Aim to make her smile, not to get her number. If she thinks you’re just looking at her as a “score” you’ve already stopped the conversation.

Take your mask off. When you are genuinely being yourself, people connect with you because you are most confident as your true self, according to dating coach AJ Harbinger. If you are wearing the mask you think you should be wearing, then it’s harder for people to trust you. When it comes to connecting with women, they need to feel secure. They need to feel like they can trust what you say before they open themselves up to you. Be yourself.

Make her feel safe. Women like to flirt, but they don’t like to feel like prey. Instead of coming across as aggressive or overly flirtatious, try asking questions and getting a feel for who she is and what she likes. If you don’t know if you should try a line, then don’t! Instead, take a classy approach to allow her to trust you. Trust is the most important thing to gain before you can truly attract a woman. As dating coach Julie Spira advises, offer to pay for valet parking rather than just drinks. This will earn points, because you are showing her that you view her as a person, not as a conquest.

Japan has a well-deserved reputation for being a techno locally advanced nation, but there's one piece of the technological puzzle they haven't mastered: online dating.

Japan is a cultural and economic powerhouse faced with a serious population crisis. The country's overall population will reportedly contract by almost a third within the next 90 years. Its birthrate is one of the lowest on earth, and the marriage rate is also declining.

On top of that, a 2014 survey conducted by the Japan Family Planning Association found that 49% of all respondents had not had sex in the past month, and 18% of men said they had no interest in sex at all.

Add it all together, and you have a country facing some very unique problems. What happens when people no longer want to procreate?

The answer to that remains to be seen. For now, many are asking how Japan got there in the first place and what can be done about it.

Comedian Aziz Ansari and sociologist Eric Klinenberg address the issue in their new book, Modern Romance. "The Japanese are legitimately worried about running out of Japanese people," they write.

One reason could be a cultural fear of being perceived as the sleazy, superficial player-type known as “charai.” Online dating carries a similar social stigma in many countries, but it could be amplified in Japan, causing Japanese singles to avoid it entirely.

Another issue could be online dating's reliance on profile photos. "In Japan, posting any pictures of yourself, especially selfie-style photos, comes off as really douchey,” reads Modern Romance. Instead of posting selfies, which are considered too narcissistic, Japanese singles post photos with multiple people – or even no people at all. It wouldn't be unusual to come across a profile with a picture of a pet or a posession, like a rice cooker.

And that's not all. According to a recent Fast Company article, many singles in Japan view online dating as a scam. Scams sites proliferated back in the 90s, and reports of scams aren't scarce today either. It's scared many singles away and done nothing to reduce the stigma.

Some are using social networking and meetup sites to meet new people, but out-in-the-open online dating is still a controversial subject in a country that prizes subtlety. Companies like Tinder, Match, and OkCupid can't flourish in Japan because the cultural differences are too great.

With young Japanese singles increasingly expressing frustration, the country's dating scene is ready for the “disruption” Silicon Valley startups are so fond of touting. The question is, which company will step up and be the first to blaze a trail into the brave new world?

A recent article in Vanity Fair made the argument that apps like Tinder have ruined dating. Reporter Nancy Jo Sales interviewed single twenty-somethings to get their impressions of online dating, and it wasn’t pretty. They admit that “Tinder sucks” and yet they still keep swiping for lack of a better way to date.

Part of the problem, she argues, is that people have a hook-up mentality with dating apps, and men especially. They meet girls to have sex under the guise of pretending to date them, and women have been burned more than once – making them skeptical that any guy wants a relationship.

This argument isn’t a new one. But the reporter feels that dating apps are the real problem – the technology, not the people using them. Let me be more precise: dating apps make it easier than ever to meet new people, providing a way for those who are averse to commitment to do a date-and-dump.

The problem I see with this argument is that it assumes technology is the problem. If we ditched dating apps and online dating in general and went back to an “easier time” – say 1995 – when dating was supposedly alive and well, and all single people were looking for long-term romance. But this just wasn’t the case. In fact, people would hook up and avoid commitment with relative ease – they just did it in person at bars and clubs, rather than through a dating app. Maybe their choices were limited, but the behavior wasn’t much better.

Remember The Rules – dating advice lexicon of that decade? It centered around dealing with men who had commitment issues, basically teaching women how to use their sexuality and femininity to get what they wanted – a relationship.

We’ve come a lot further in our relationship progress in my opinion, partly in thanks to online dating. Dating apps have helped make online dating mainstream. They have allowed shy types to interact more easily with new people. And yes – while some people do use them for hooking up, many others are looking for real love.

Dating takes time. It takes meeting a lot of people before a connection happens. That is the nature of dating – and with a dating app, the haystack is considerably bigger when you are just trying to find that one needle. So it will take you that much longer.

Instead of getting discouraged and giving up dating apps and online dating altogether, it’s time for a different approach. Let’s embrace online dating. Be truthful about what you want so you don’t waste someone else’s time. And most importantly, be respectful to your dates and you’ll find yourself meeting people who will respect you in return.

Picture the nerd stereotype you've seen in countless movies. His eyes are glued to a computer screen. He looks like he hasn't showered in a week or seen sun in several years. The closest he comes to social interaction is chatting on gaming forums. He's probably in his parents' basement.

The image is meant to be funny, but it hits a little too close to home for an online dating addict. Your eyes are still glued to a computer (or smartphone) screen. You're so focused on swiping right or sending messages that you may never get to the actual date. Can you even remember what face-to-face interaction looks like?

If that sounds (even remotely) like you, it's time to step away from the screen and re-engage with humanity. Your introduction back into society may be difficult. You may have forgotten how to interact with real people. But remember these tips, and you'll be out of relationship rehab in no time.

1. Take a break from your smartphone. Step #1 should be obvious. If you're constantly checking your email or uploading pictures of your meal to Instagram, you're not engaging with the world. That's the ultimate guarantee that you won't meet anyone special (and if you're already on a date, it's just plain rude).
2. Make an effort. Online dating services streamline the process as much as possible. The less work for you, the better. Algorithms are designed to take the guesswork out of dating, but let's face it – if you're not willing to work to find your partner, what are you will to work for? Does it get any lazier than swiping? In the real world, you have to be proactive. Approach someone intriguing and say hi.
3. Reacquaint yourself with body language. All that slouching you do in front of your computer? It sends the wrong message when you're with a date. Things like posture and gestures speak volumes about who you are, so make sure they're saying the right things. Smile. Make eye contact. Sit up straight. Learn how to project confidence and interest.
4. Have a shtick if you need it. Online, striking up a conversation can be as easy as clicking a button to send a digital wink. Offline, communication is a little (ok, a lot) more complex. Thinking on the spot can be hard, especially if you haven't done it in while. It's ok to have a few stock questions or ice breakers in mind if you're anxious about meeting people in person.
5. Get comfortable with yourself. The photos on your dating profile can have careful lighting, Myspace angles, and so many filters you barely look human. Since no one has invented real-life Photoshop, you have to get comfortable with your real self. Dress in a way that makes you feel confident and attractive, whether that's sweatpants and a t-shirt or custom-made Valentino. You're automatically more attractive when you feel comfortable.