Advice

The Vancouver Observer took on online dating this month, sharing the ups and downs of several singles who tried their luck on dating sites.

Like many who try online dating, Marianne Gagnon-Sirianni was ready to give up after receiving nothing but inappropriate emails from "suitors" on Plenty Of Fish. But just as she prepared to log off for good, she received a message that caught her eye and, four years later, she married the man who sent it.

Though her beginnings were rocky, Gagnon-Sirianni is now a major supporter of online dating. "Would you rather compete with a room full of single girls, all after the same goal of finding a good guy at a bar, or form a personal connection with someone through one on one email conversations?" she said to the Observer. "Online dating gives you the opportunity to spend weeks getting to know each other on an intimate level before even meeting," she added. "I was able to ensure that the person I was speaking with was the right person for me, and worth going on a date with."

Gagnon-Sirianni isn't the only dater to sing the praises of finding love online. Rebecca Liu, a member of Match.com, turned to online dating when she had difficulty meeting people face-to-face. She felt more comfortable in a world where the threat of rejection is greatly lessened. Another dater joined a dating site after relocating to a new city, hoping to make new friends and - perhaps - a romantic connection.

Despite the massive number of success stories, many still have reservations about online dating. They fear the stigma attached to it, and worry about the potential dangers of meeting strangers online. "There are cases where people only put information in their profiles that they feel other people find desirable, even if it is entirely inaccurate," Liu said, recalling an experience with a date who was still legally married.

But just about everything has its ups and downs, and the world of online dating is increasingly filled with ups. "Life is busy," said Matt Wilson. "People have different schedules, live in different areas and hang out in different places. Dating online is refreshing because it gives you an avenue to meet people outside your daily routines."

Why not give it a try? You might be one of the lucky ones.

2011 was a tough year for love. It seems like almost everyone I know went through a bad breakup, and they're still experiencing the aftershocks from their lost loves a quarter of the way through 2012. Twice yesterday I was asked for advice on healing the heart and moving on after the end of a relationship, once from a good friend and once from my younger brother. Clearly, in the wake of 2011's disastrous effects on our love lives, breakups are still on everyone's mind.

The first piece of advice that came into my mind was a cliché: it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Trite? Yes. But also true. The first step to healing after a breakup is to think about the relationship as a positive experience. Remember what was good about your time together and focus on the lessons you're taking away from it. Don't dwell on the pain of the breakup itself.

That being said, you don't have to pretend that everything is rainbows and puppies and glitter and cupcakes. You just went through a breakup...that hurts. And it's ok to let it hurt. Allow yourself to take time out to clear your mind and heart.

When you break a leg, it needs time to heal before you can walk on it again. Likewise, when your heart is broken, it needs time to heal before it's ready to explore the possibility of a loving again. Don't rush into a new relationship too quickly. It may feel like a easy way to fill the void, but in the long run you'll be doing your heart more damage than good.

Let yourself experience emotions, but don't wallow in them. Drowning in negativity is never the answer. Find ways to express your emotions that aren't self-destructive (or harmful to anyone else). Airing your ex's dirty laundry on Facebook isn't a healthy way to rehabilitate your emotions after a breakup, but taking up a creative pursuit - like drawing, writing, or playing music - is. Just think about how much art is about heartbreak...that's because it works! Creation is one of the most powerful healers out there.

While you're busy exploring your post-breakup emotional state, resist the temptation to analyze everything. Over-analysis has never gotten anyone anywhere, except maybe deeper into depression. You probably have lots of questions - Will I ever love someone this much again? How many times did he lie to me? Why did she stop loving me? Is it my fault? - but don't ask them. Accept that there will always be some questions that you can't answer.

And always, in the back of your mind, remember: Time is the best healer.

In online dating, one of the benefits is that you can be selective - selective in what you say you’re looking for, selective in who you choose to contact. Let’s face it: there are some people for whom you know you are completely unsuited. All it takes is a fast perusal of their profile, or maybe even a gut instinct upon seeing their picture. And that’s okay. With online dating, no one’s feelings get hurt, and you move on to another profile. But what about the cases that aren’t so easy?

“Kim,” a friend of mine, told me recently about a profile she’d been checking out. “I was interested right away, just from the picture,” she said. “So I started reading, and this guy was well-spoken, interesting... He was even funny! I actually laughed out loud, and you know that almost never happens, even though people say it all the time...”

“So did you email him?” I asked.

“No, because he seemed so great, but then he mentioned that he’s an unabashed meat-eater, and would probably never get along with rabbits who only graze on garnishes,” Kim said.

Kim is a vegetarian; her parents were early Vegan adopters. “But you don’t have a problem with meat-eaters. I eat meat,” I protested.

“Yes, but even so, he’ll be thinking of me as a rabbit. He might as well have said, “No vegetarians apply.”

And thus we have the problem. What do you do when someone seems like they might be a good fit... if not for these one or two issues?

Well, in my opinion, you contact them anyway. Yes, a profile is a guideline for what we’re looking for, but it’s not an absolute. Think of your closest friends: do you always agree with them in every way? Would you list every last personality trait and interest of theirs if you were looking for the “ideal” friend? Probably not, because no one is perfect. What really matters is how you mesh as a pair, in person. And how will you find that out unless you give it a shot?

So Kim contacted her mystery man. She admitted upfront she’d always been a veggie eater, and teasingly asked if he could “handle” meeting a woodland creature. Maybe things will work out; maybe they won’t. But chances are, it will not hinge on the eating habits of either of them. And who knows? They might have real compatibility.

So as you peruse profiles, bear their tale in mind. Are you passing up profiles that actually interest you because of one or two differences? Might some of these be worth a second look? After all, we’re looking for someone who is the best pairing for us in personality, not necessarily a match in every detail. Why not take a chance and see what comes of it?

A friend of mine recently told me that she's started to date a man who she enjoys spending time with, but isn't sure if she feels enough chemistry. "He's such a nice guy," she lamented. "I mean, I'm used to instant fireworks, but this is just kind of relaxing. I don't know if I should keep dating him. What if he's just really boring?"

I hear daters complain about this all the time. Movies have taught us that love at first sight and lots of drama in relationships are the real tests of chemistry and whether someone is right for us. Subtlety and patience never seem to be part of the equation.

You have to retrain your thought process about this if you really want to find the right person.

I couldn't tell my friend whether or not this man was right for her. After all, they just started dating - there is no way to tell with anyone until after she gets to know them. But I did tell her she should give him a chance without dismissing his nice guy qualities.

Some things to consider about your nice-but-maybe-boring man:

My rule of thumb is, instead of thinking about the qualities you want to find in another person, think about what kind of relationship you want to have. Do you want to feel respected, loved, supported, encouraged to pursue your dreams? Or do you want to alternate between feeling passion and utter confusion, not knowing where you stand or where the relationship is headed?

What have you put up with in the past? Were there men who didn't call you back, or who disappeared for weeks only to resurface with romantic gestures? Were there men you dated who didn't respect your thoughts, opinions, or who you wanted to be? A man who does this isn't looking for a relationship. He's consumed with his own issues and so can't support you in developing something real. If you want to break this pattern, try dating a different type of man - one who doesn't leave you questioning when he'll call or where you stand.

Nice does not equal boring. Nice guys don't show all their cards up front. Most people have some quirky likes or behaviors, or a passion or talent that can make a woman swoon. It just takes a while to get to know them. If you give a nice man a chance, he'll reveal himself to you.

So do yourself a favor - give that nice guy another opportunity and agree to a second or even third date. Don't just keep searching for drama and fireworks if it hasn't worked for you. Try something new.

By now, you’ve probably heard the oft-repeated mantra that you need to be pro-active in your online dating habits - that you should get out there and send first-contact emails instead of waiting for others to email you, that you should make sure your profile is current and updated. Well, those tips are all still valid. But there’s another way you can take charge of your online dating experience, and this one tends to slip through the cracks: online dating site auto-matching.

Chances are, the online dating site you choose to use brags about its matching algorithm - that magically, they know the secret formula for love, and by inputting your shoe size, favorite color, and name of your first pet, they can find your one true love. Well, when phrased like that, it seems silly, but it’s more difficult to be skeptical when you’re swarmed by statistics and reasonable-sounding promises.

The truth is, attraction between two people is not just as simple as common interests (I’m sure you can think of someone with whom you share much in common, but you still can’t stand) or political views. Most of that assessment needs to be done by only one party: you. Yes, ultimately you can’t be truly sure of chemistry until you meet in person; still, a human being scanning profiles can pick up on much more than a computer program. For example, how do you tell a match-up program that you’re interested in shy types? That you tend to clash with people who want to convert you to their choices, whether it’s a favorite TV show or a vegetarian diet?

The fact is, at this point we simply pick up on subtle hints and clues to compatibility far easier than a computer algorithm. “Fine,” you may be thinking, “I’ll just the site do the first round of eliminations, and then I’ll peruse the results.” That’s not a bad idea, as long as you don’t limit yourself to those results - because in fact, you might be very compatible with someone who doesn’t make the computer-based cut.

Online dating sites are designed to provide you with a wide pool of options to choose from. While narrowing down your options with a custom search can certainly help keep you from being overwhelmed, don’t forget about taking full advantage of the site’s capabilities - and that means “getting to know” someone, via reading their profile, that might be outside your box. And above all else, don’t sit back and let any site play matchmaker for you - it might be easier, but your laziness could allow potential matches to slip past unnoticed.

In online dating, one of the obvious benefits is that you control the first impression you make. Your readers see what you want them to see - like your interest in foreign films, as opposed to your retail uniform. The picture where you’re dressed in an outfit you like, instead of in sweats at the grocery store. In some ways, the profiles might be a bit misleading, because we’re obviously not at our best all day, every day. On the other hand, however, online profiles can be far more honest and revealing than the typical small talk at the post office.

Some people have found online profiles are almost a form of therapy - writing about ourselves isn’t a very common activity, and for some, constructing a profile helps them sort out their own thoughts. “I decided to make a profile pretty quickly after ending a long-term relationship,” says Michelle, an acquaintance. “I’d been in a relationship for so long that when I sat down to write the profile, I had to really think about what interests were, as opposed to what I’d just fallen into through my ex. It helped me figure out who I really was.”

For others, online profiles help them discover another side of themselves. “I’m an art teacher at an elementary school. Pretty much everyone thinks of me as a nice but bland guy,” says Michael. “I’d never be called mysterious or intriguing. I realized I wanted to present a different side of myself, so I had my old roommate, a photographer, take some ‘brooding’ photos. I know I have two sides of myself, and now I can represent that through images.”

Of course, when we better understand ourselves, we better understand what we’re looking for, and thus can be even more accurate in our profiles. Readers can get a better sense of whether they’d be a good match. And since you’re being more honest about your needs with yourself, you’ll be able to read their profiles with a clearer head.

Thus, perhaps the polish and shine of a well-edited profile isn’t what hides the truth - it’s that we hide it from ourselves. By giving serious thought to creating a well-written and honest profile, you’ll wind up with something that is raw and revealing - despite being well-edited and well-lit.