Dating

Many people are hesitant to try online dating, and it’s no surprise. Setting up a profile, messaging, meeting new people, making conversation, and trying to find connection can be a daunting (and time-consuming) process.

Even though meeting people online is extremely popular now with date-friendly apps like Tinder, the process can feel overwhelming or scary for the uninitiated. Or for those who have burned out from online dating, they might not want to go back to it. As a result, many people talk themselves out of online dating altogether – claiming they just aren’t ready to start meeting people. But is there something else going on?

Online dating can feel scary, especially if you are uncomfortable with dating in general or tend to be introverted or shy. You probably hear advice like “put yourself out there,” or “you have to meet a lot of people before you find the one.”

This is scary advice for someone who isn’t very social, or feels uncomfortable in social situations. It’s easy to advise singles that they need to put more effort into their searches, but what exactly does this look like for someone who hates networking events or bars, or feels uncomfortable making conversation?

Sometimes, we make excuses because we are afraid to face our fears. But let’s be honest – in order to find a great relationship, you have to be somewhat social. You have to talk to new people, or at least try to meet them, which is exhausting or even terrifying for introverts.

The key is taking baby steps, and to ease the pressure on yourself to find someone great. There’s no magic formula (contrary to what some dating experts say), so don’t assume that saying the right things or acting in a way that doesn’t feel authentic to you is the only way you’ll be successful. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Following are three small steps you can take today to ease you into dating with a little more confidence:

Set small social goals. It’s good to practise your social skills, even if you aren’t looking for a date. Attend a networking event that you normally would decline. Make a promise to yourself to talk to at least two people before you leave. When you achieve these small goals, you start to feel more comfortable when you date, especially with the initial small talk.

Enlist a friend’s help. Kind of like joining a running group to motivate you in training for a marathon, online dating with a buddy can help jumpstart your dating life. You can check in with each other to reach out to more people and try to set up a couple of dates a week. If that feels too much to you, then try one date a week. Go at your own pace – this isn’t a race.

Remember, it’s just a conversation. Online dating can feel very “official,” like you are both being judged and interviewed. You both know why you are meeting, so there is a pressure to form a connection. But remove yourself from that mindset for a moment. In order to actually form a connection, you can’t be scrutinizing everything. It’s important to be fully present in the moment. Take the pressure off yourself with the reminder that you are just having a conversation – nothing more or less. And then see where it goes.

Take care of yourself. Online dating can take a lot of energy, so it's especially important for introverts to replenish. Make time to do things you love - sports, painting, horseback riding, etc. Spend some time alone when you need to recharge. Know what works for you so you can feel your best when you're on a date.

Popular news comedy television show The Daily Show covered an interesting topic recently – sexual racism in online dating. In the segment, produced by Jessica Williams (Daily Show correspondent) and Ronny Chieng, the two explore what this term means, and how it affects so many online daters.

There are definitely racial stereotypes when it comes to sex and dating, both overt and subtle. Most of us think of attraction in terms of physical preferences. Many women prefer tall men or strong biceps for instance. Lots of guys prefer thin women, or women with blonde hair. Physical appearances are important in attraction, so it seems to follow that many daters would state their racial preferences on an online dating site, too.

But as the segment pointed out, having race preference in dating is a kind of racial discrimination. While you might prefer tall men or blonde women, chances are you are willing to date those who aren’t, or at least consider dating them. Many daters however refuse to date outside of their own racial preferences, going so far as to state in their online dating profiles that they won’t date people of a certain race.

This is where the term “sexual racism” comes in. Williams and Chieng interviewed Zach Stafford, a writer for The Guardian who noted: “When someone says something like, ‘I don’t date black people,’ talking about all black people, that would be referred to as sexual racism.”

There are some stereotypes that persist in American culture about who is considered “beautiful.” And some races are viewed in a negative way, especially African American women and Asian men.

Williams and Chieng also interviewed OkCupid Founder Christian Rudder, who studied many online dating trends for his book Dataclysm, race preferences included. “There is kind of a systemic racial bias pretty much in every dating site I’ve ever looked at,” Rudder said in his interview. “We found that 82 percent of non-black men have some bias against black women… And Asian men get the fewest messages and the worst ratings of any group of guys.”

For black women, there is the cultural perception among non-black men that they are not as pretty as white women. While this sounds hard to believe, in the segment, some daters admitted to receiving texts and messages saying just that. And for Asian men, the stereotype that many aren’t sexually endowed persists, despite it being a stereotype, making them the least messaged group on any dating app or site.

In fact, Williams posted a profile of Chieng on numerous dating apps to see what happened. She swiped right for every profile he was sent. He received no messages or matches in return, proving Rudder’s assertion correct.

Have you encountered sexual racism in online dating? How have you responded? We’d love to know – please leave a comment or send us an email.

Dream of seducing a supermodel with your charming personality and fantastic sense of humor? You may be out of luck, and online dating is to blame. Recent studies suggest that dating sites and apps make it harder to land someone out of your league.

How often have you heard that “opposites attract?” How unique do you believe your preferences are? Research shows that both ideas are myths - preferences matter very little once people meet face to face, and compatible couples are more likely to be alike than different.

Studies repeatedly support the idea of “assortative mating,” which Priceonomics defines as “the hypothesis that people generally date and marry partners who are like them in terms of social class, educational background, race, personality, and, of course, attractiveness.” In other words, 10s date each other and a 2 doesn’t stand a chance with any of them.

Are you a Republican or Democrat? According to a study by dating website Match, most people looking to date wouldn’t care one way or another, but something has changed in 2016, and people are becoming more polarized and politically active.  

Perhaps it’s the entertainment aspect that Donald Trump has brought to the campaign trail, or the enthusiastic support of Bernie Sanders among young liberal voters, but something has shifted in the collective American psyche---so much so, that it has inspired two new dating apps.

So now the question has become: Are you a fan of Bernie Sanders, or not a fan of Donald Trump? Regardless of how you feel, there are two new dating sites you should know about.

Bernie Singles launched a few months back, when app developers found that there was a real market for young activists looking to meet each other – for friendship or something more. It seemed that many Bernie Sanders fans on Facebook were eager to meet like-minded activists in person, and there was an instant show of support for the dating app.

Bernie Singles definitely embraces the progressive slant of the candidate who first inspired it. When you join, you can register as male, female, genderqueer or transgender - and as straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, queer or asexual. There’s no gender bias, which also seems to be a good selling point.

In fact, so many people downloaded it when it first launched that the site crashed in the first week. Several thousand have joined to date.

Not to ignore the dating app potential with the current political groundswell of young activists, there will soon be an app for those looking to avoid a Trump Presidency. Maple Match, whose tagline is “Make Dating Great Again” – a play on Trump’s campaign slogan of “Make America Great Again” – has been making headlines with the announcement of its product, coming soon to market.  The app promises to find Americans who are looking to flee a potential Trump Presidency some Canadian matches. Even before its launch, 5,000 people have signed up for the site.

As it turns out, Trump isn’t the only reason Americans want to flee the country. According to a recent interview in The Guardian, Joe Goldman, Maple Match’s founder said: "This site shows that a lot of people are frustrated with the current dating options. A lot of Americans really want to meet Canadians. They're looking for something new and something better."

Bernie Singles is coy in its approach, noting on its website: “The one percent aren’t the only ones getting screwed this election season!” 

Either way, politics has entered the mix in online dating. We'll see what happens in 2017.

Some break-ups are worse than others, but all break-ups can take a toll on our mental and emotional state. How many times have you chosen to distract yourself from the pain and sadness you feel? Probably more than you think – sometimes by going out with friends, drinking, or having sex, and other times by throwing yourself into work, a hobby or a new fitness routine.

Now, more and more of us are turning to dating apps to swipe and feel that little “rush” from matching with a new profile or engaging in some flirtatious messaging. And why not? It’s healthy to flirt, to meet new people, right?

Not necessarily. Using dating apps as a distraction – to swipe through endless profiles – can work against you and delay the healing process after a break-up. As a writer for website Bustle described it: “An unexpected match with an attractive guy would briefly pull me out from under the cloud of sadness, and it validated my future dating potential in the most superficial way possible. At the time, I knew that it was wrong for the approval of random strangers to mean more to me than the unconditional support from my friends and family, but I didn't want to stop swiping: the next match could always be better than the last…After the fleeting glow from a witty text exchange faded, the positive feelings about myself did, too.”

Distracting ourselves isn’t always the best thing for getting over a break-up. Healing is a process – it’s good to feel your emotions and come to terms with your broken heart. Healthy transformation comes from this process of sitting with pain so we can let go and move on. Distraction only serves to delay our healing.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s good to throw yourself into something healthy, like joining a new running group or growing that garden you always wanted. But when you try and ignore your feelings, opting for quick fixes like the rush from swiping through a dating app, it can backfire.

The “high” you feel from superficial interaction is fleeting, and can leave you feeling worse than you did before – and more likely to swipe. In fact, swiping can become a validation exercise, rather than a healthy way to meet dates. You don’t want to confuse the app itself with your ability to connect with people.

Our self worth doesn’t come from how many matches or messages we get, or how many opportunities we have to meet new people. We have to feel grounded in ourselves – confident in our abilities, independence, and worthiness – rather than dependent on what others think – especially random strangers over text.

So next time you are tempted to login to Tinder after a break-up because you are in desperate need of distraction or validation, call your friend and go out for dinner instead. You’ll be happier and healthier in the long run.

Are you a Trump supporter looking for love? PlentyOfFish has some bad news for you.

The dating site recently surveyed more then 4000 American singles over the age of 18 to examine how love lives can be affected by political affiliation. It’s often said that politics (along with religion and exes) is not a first-date discussion, and POF’s research confirms it.

According to the data, singles are hesitant about dating someone with drastically different political views than their own. Twenty-five percent steadfastly refused to do so and thirty-one percent said they are unsure if they would even attempt it. Cross “the U.S. election” off your list of conversation topics if you don’t want to rock the boat.