Love

Somewhere along the line, every argument in favor of mobile dating apps claims they've made it easier than ever to find a relationship (even just a one-night relationship, if that's what you're looking for). Everyone loves the idea of a quick and easy matchmaking process, and why wouldn't they? In our era of short attention spans, we expect everything to be as fast and convenient as possible.

On the other hand, plenty have said that all that swiping left and right doesn't actually amount to much. Dating apps have taken a complex, time-consuming process and wrapped it up in a package that requires almost no thought or energy. Can something so easy accurately recreate the intricate experience of meeting and falling for someone? Can true, lasting romance ever come from a dating app?

Well, let's see.

When it comes to popularity, dating apps certainly aren't hurting. A current Radian 6 analysis shows that buzz surrounding dating apps is very high, with a total of 2,094,611 mentions. Breaking it down, Tinder comes out on top (1,383,012) followed by Badoo (505.611), Grindr (137,779) and Twoo (63,733). The vast majority of what is being said is positive, so users are clearly finding something of merit in this modern-day, digital approach to dating.

Looking deeper, we start to see another trend. The consensus amongst users seems to be that dating apps are primarily used for hooking up rather than serious romance. Search the keywords “love” and “lust” and you'll find that the latter is more closely associated with app-based interactions. Grindr, naturally, leads the pack with 86.3% “lust” to 13.7% “love” mentions. Tinder takes second place with 81.3% and 18.7%, respectively.

When another sentiment analysis is performed, it's revealed that negative sentiment is higher for lust-related interactions and a higher positive sentiment is associated with interactions focused on finding true love.

So is there any grounding to the perception that dating services are just for hookups? Seeing as there's strong negative sentiment attached to the lust angle, most seem to be opposed to using dating apps for casual sex. Sure, it's out there, but more singles using mobile dating services are looking for a happily ever after that lasts longer than one night.

Admittedly, it might not be something you find right away, but hey – when is it? Sorting through the weirdo's takes plenty of time online too, and just as much time in person, so embrace it. It's all part of the process and once you have what you're looking for, it won't matter where you found it.

I read this great article in Mind Body Green, listing 10 inspired rules about dating garnered from the author's yoga practice.

While I love a good yoga session, I'm not quite as versed on the yoga sutras as he was. But still...there is something to be said for how yoga can improve your outlook, attitude, and overall well-being, "on and off the mat" as my yoga instructor says, even if you don't know all the Sanskrit terminology. Because the most important thing a good yoga practice teaches us is to turn inward.

With this in mind, I've put together my own top 5 list of what yoga has taught me about dating:

Just breathe.

Nothing is more important in yoga than breathing. It is the essence of life. It also is a way we can allow ourselves to calm down, be present, and turn that constant stream of mind chatter off so we are more in tune with our mind and body. This is helpful on a date because often we are worrying about what he's thinking, projecting our desires onto our dates, or otherwise not enjoying the moment. Just remember to breathe.

Pay attention to your movements.

We don't always realize how we come across to others, especially if we're busy, stressed, or otherwise not in the mood for connecting. Or we might be so nervous we don't realize our dates can see this. Approach your date with kindness and an open mind, ready to learn something new, and you'll both have a better time.

Trust your instincts.

You know yourself better than anyone. If something doesn't feel right, pay attention. If a relationship isn't working out, if he's not respecting you, if she is non-committal, then trust your inner voice enough to walk away.

Some of your muscles are tighter than others.

We all have weaknesses when it comes to dating, just like some muscles or joints in our bodies are weaker than others. We must take care of these places, but we also must try to open them up, work out the kinks, which can be uncomfortable. When you keep pushing forward gently, paying attention to the weak spots and nurturing yourself through, you move forward in your practice---just like in life.

Take a few risks.

Are you afraid to do a headstand, or frog pose? There are some parts of yoga that seem intimidating, and that's okay. When you push yourself to try a pose you don't like (provided you're not injuring yourself), you will undoubtedly feel better than sitting it out because you're scared. When you take a few safe risks on the mat, you're more willing to put yourself out there in life.

We all set goals and make plans in our lives. After all, without a plan in place, it would be difficult to accomplish anything! But sometimes our planning and control mechanisms go into overdrive. For instance, maybe you try to predict others' reactions to your news about starting your own business and plan what you say or do in response – before they’ve even said a word! Or maybe you think of everything that could possibly go wrong so you can feel more prepared. Or perhaps you have a set time schedule – whether it’s how many errands you can run in an hour, or your plan to get your MBA by age 25 while working at your full-time demanding job.

And chances are, things didn’t quite go as planned. People can be unpredictable in their reactions. Ordinary plans get hijacked by extenuating circumstances, like traffic jams that hold us up. Or our job takes us to a new city, and our good intentions for school get put on hold.

When you’re planning out your life, to accomplish everything by a certain age, you can expect that life probably has other plans for you. Life will interfere. And the beauty is, that is okay. It is supposed to be that way.

As cheesy as it sounds, life is a mystery. We don’t know how long we will live, what experiences we will have that affect us profoundly, who we meet that will forever impact our lives. And isn’t that a good thing, to be surprised by life’s beautiful moments?

We should feel just as inspired by life’s unexpected challenges. When things don’t go as planned – when your new business can’t get off the ground, when you don’t seem to be meeting the right man, or when your MBA gets sidelined by your job transfer to Hong Kong – there is a purpose. These challenges show you that it is okay to let go.

Letting go of expectations and timelines that are beyond our control is liberating. It helps us to stop for a moment, take a look around, and really see what other opportunities life has in store.

Would you rather go through life knowing exactly what to expect, who you’ll meet, and what you will be doing each day? I wouldn’t. The most beautiful moments in my life were the ones that weren’t at all planned, that just happened because I got held up or diverted from my own plan, and ended up doing something else.

I got let go from a job, which led me to three jobs I hated, but also allowed me to meet my dearest friends to this day. I would never have met them had I not been floating from one job to the next, uncertain of what to do. I also wouldn’t have gotten an opportunity to develop my writing skills as I did when I was in-between jobs. I discovered a new love.

Once on a road trip with my boyfriend, we got lost when we missed an exit and ended up in a small town on the Oregon Coast where there were only two small motels. There was also a cyclist convention, and hundreds of people traveling through. It was late at night, and I felt defeated, wondering where we would stay. We were both too tired to continue driving to the next small town, so we took our chances and stopped by one of the motels off the highway. As it turned out, someone had just canceled their beachfront room at the motel across the street, so we not only got to take in a gorgeous moonlit night from our window, but we discovered the sheer beauty of something as simple as getting lost in order to reconnect with each other.

That’s something you can’t plan.

 

Some of us are perfectly happy to be settled into singlehood. Others absolutely hate it.

The thing is, singlehood can be a conscious choice or an unintentional affliction. If it's the former, rock on and keep doing what you're doing. If it's the latter, sit down because we've got some talking to do. I'm all for people staying single, but I don't want anyone to be forced into singlehood if it's not where they want to be. And here's the hard truth: if you're single and you don't want to be, there's a good chance you're the reason.

Of course you can't control the people around you, and they certainly have a say in whether or not they want to date you, but there are specific, unproductive mindsets and actions you may be responsible for that are keeping you single longer than you want to be.

Are you doing any of these things?

• Not making an effort. Newsflash: if all you do is watch your Netflix queue, you’re never going to meet someone. Join an online dating site. Spend weekends in museums, parks, classes – anywhere you're surrounded by strangers. And don't be afraid to make the first move. If you're not trying in the first place, you can't expect results.
• Dating the same type over and over again. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That goes for dating, too. If you've got a "type" and it hasn't worked for you yet, it's probably not going to work for you in the future either. It's time to branch out. And the added bonus is that once you've stopped limiting which types of people you will and won't date, the possibilities open up and you have more potential partners than you ever thought possible.
• Choosing partners based solely on a list of qualities. It's a good idea to know what you want and don't want in a relationship, but it can be limiting if you're too attached to your imaginary list. Someone could have every quality on your list and still be wrong for you. On the other hand, someone could be missing most of them and yet mysteriously make you happier than you've ever been. A person is a whole package, not an inventory of dealbreakers. Save the list for Santa.
• Not making space. This is one of the hardest lessons for people to learn. If you want love in your life, you have to make room for it. You can't be focused on your friends, your career, your hobbies, your family, or whatever else is taking up your time, 24/7 if you want to meet someone. Recognize that you're ready to let love in, and leave some space in your life to allow it to happen.

A few years ago, I was at an amusement park with friends when one of them shyly handed me his camera.

“Do you think you could take a few pictures of me today?” Kent asked. “I’m making a profile for an online dating site and I don’t really have any pictures of me. Especially ones that aren’t posed in some way.”

Happy to oblige, I did my best to grab good candid shots of Kent. Everything was quiet for some months, until I ran into him one morning, positively giddy.

“I just had the best first date!” he said excitedly.

“It’s ten in the morning! That must have been some first date!” I said, raising my eyebrows.

“No, no, the date didn’t start last night,” he said, blushing. “It was a breakfast date! She works nights, so this was the fastest way to actually meet in person.”

“Ooh,” I said, intrigued. “So you met her through your dating site?”

“Yep,” he said. “She moved here two years ago and only lives ten minutes away, but thanks to our jobs our chances of running into each other are practically zilch. And since we’re on opposite sleep schedules, it’s been pretty nerve-wracking writing her and then waiting a minimum of eight hours for a response. But still, that’s better than never having met her at all.”

“Well, it’s great that she seems so wonderful, but will you ever get to spend time together with such opposite schedules?”

“She’s going to get moved to a different position at the end of the year,” Kent said. “It won’t be forever. And - this may sound cheesy, but - even if it’s more work finding time to meet, she really seems worth it.”

Last month, Kent and his wonderful first date were married. Her inconvenient schedule was indeed not for forever - but hopefully her romance with Kent will be.

Related Article: Stories in Success, Part I

After years of off-again, on-again relationship, dates that didn’t go anywhere, and, yes, online dating, one of my best friends finally seems to be in a great relationship. They’re approaching a year together, with no end in sight.

They happened to meet at a series of company events, but they both have online dating profiles on the same sites. Naturally, one might wonder: why didn’t they meet sooner?

The answer is that they filtered one another out. For one thing, the guy - Steve - is a good twenty years older than his girlfriend, Lisa. Though Lisa was open to dating older men, twenty years was a bit out of her comfort zone. For another, Steve has children. Lisa wasn’t interested in having kids. However, dating an older man means that the children are grown and out of the house, and for Lisa, that’s a horse of a different color.

On Steve’s part, he too had filtered Lisa out due to her age, assuming he wouldn’t have anything in common with someone that much younger. He had also filtered out anyone with cats, as he’s allergic. In an odd twist of fate, Lisa’s pet cat had passed on earlier, and she had no plans to get another, but she hadn’t thought to update her profile.

Despite their “differences,” a quick perusal of their profiles would have revealed that they still had much in common - everything from their tastes in pop culture to their political opinions. And while there are differences, they aren’t on the opposite ends of the spectrum. If they’d seen one another’s profiles, they might well have messaged each other.

But they didn’t. They’d each filtered the other out, and met solely on chance.

There’s nothing wrong with using the filter tools of an online dating site; they can help cut through the white noise and help you make sense of the sheer number of options. But if you’ve become familiar with your site, and you feel like you’ve perused all your current options, it might be worth experimenting with peeling back your filters, one at a time. What if you didn’t place a restriction on body type? What if you didn’t worry about a height difference?

There are exceptions to every rule - but identifying those exceptions is still a task left up to the human heart, not an algorithm. Severe search options clean up your list of options, but occasionally it doesn’t hurt to allow a little mess.

Related Article: Stories in Success, Part II