Tips

You're getting ready for a first date: you're concerned about what to wear, what you'll talk about, and if you'll find a connection. You wonder what you'll think of your date, and more to the point, what she'll think of you. No small feat.

Dating can be nerve-wracking, but it doesn't have to be. Instead of dreading a first date and how you'll come across, try these tips to get the confidence you need to make a good first impression. (Remember, it's not a job interview!)

• Revamp your online profile. A well-crafted online profile is a good start to attracting more and better matches. If describing yourself isn't your strong suit, have a friend check it over and help you write a description to show your best self.

• Dress for success. The best way to feel confident right off the bat is to know you look good. No need to get fancy or buy an expensive outfit, but wear something that makes you feel great.

• Practice, practice, practice! If you get nervous on first dates, the best strategy is to keep going on them until you feel more comfortable. There's always a practice curve if you're just starting. Don't get down when it doesn't work out...just chalk it up to experience for your next date. There's always opportunity to get it right.

• Don't be tempted to sell yourself. Be curious about your date. Instead of talking about yourself and feeling the need to impress, start out instead by asking your date about her interests, her goals, and anything that might inspire her. It helps you get to know her better and makes the conversation more interesting and more engaging. Asking questions also shows you off in a better light than listing your accomplishments. This is a turn-off to most.

• Follow up! The worst mistake you can make following a date is not calling back, or neglecting to send a text thanking your date for the great time. If you had a good time and are interested, it's best to let her know. Have some courage and ask your date out again. Or if you're not interested, be honest and clear about your feelings and intentions. Regardless of response, this gesture will boost your confidence and you'll be treated with kindness and respect from future dates.

Has dating become something you'd rather not be doing? Do you look forward to a first date about as much as a root canal? If so, it's time to inject some fun into your dating life. If you go in with a bad attitude, it will prolong your dissatisfaction. Mixing it up and trying something new can go a long way in changing your perspective.

One significant factor that is often overlooked in our search for "the one" is that we're looking for one specific type of person. When we do this, we discount many great candidates who may not meet our extensive lists of qualifications. We end up meeting the same types, again and again, which makes for slim pickings and a boring dating life. Instead, it's better to consider online dating a search for meeting interesting new people. Approach it like you would when you meet new friends: with an open mind. Think about the date itself, and what you can do to have fun and get to know the person. After all, this isn't a job interview...dating should be more fun!

Some ideas for getting out of your rut and enjoying your dates more:

• Go someplace new. Been looking to try out a new restaurant, or go kayaking in the park? Why not try it out on a date? This way, you can enjoy what you're doing even if you aren't connecting with your date.

• Ask more questions. Instead of turning your date into a sales pitch about your qualifications, be curious about who's sitting across the table from you. You don't have to interrogate, but your dates always appreciate a little consideration and curiosity about who they are and what they want.

• Try something active instead of grabbing a drink. This seems a no-brainer. If you are uncomfortable or tired of grabbing drinks and making up conversation, do something active like biking or walking dogs together. This way, you can engage with your date in a more relaxed fashion.

• Don't immediately judge your date. Instead, find something you like or that you find interesting about him/her. It's easy to start keeping tabs of faults or reasons why this person won't work for you, but why not keep more of an open mind? This way, you can be more open to the people you're meeting and start dating outside your comfort zone.

• Network. Even if it doesn't work out romantically, if you could see yourself being friends, maintain the friendship! I know many people who found their loves through people they dated and didn't work out. It's worth consideration.

You've been dating for a few months, and find yourself really falling for your new guy. However, you're weary because of a bad habit or two that have gotten you into trouble with previous boyfriends. You don't want this relationship to share the same fate. Don't fret, there's always an opportunity to do things differently with each new relationship. Following are some of the most damaging habits to be aware of, along with how to curb them.

Nagging. Sure, you know what you want and how you'd like to be treated. And perhaps your guy isn't living up to your standards. But constant reminders of what he's doing wrong or what he should be doing don't make headway in relationships. Instead, try finding something he does that you enjoy, and praise him for his efforts. He will be more willing to please you if you show him that he is appreciated.

Silent treatment. If this tactic hasn't worked well for you in the past, it's certainly not going to work now. If you play games by refusing to speak to him, letting him guess what you want or what upset you, this is a guaranteed path to a dysfunctional relationship. Be honest with yourself and with your guy: if something really bothers you, he deserves to know what it is so he can make changes or talk to you about it. Keeping silent only hurts you and the relationship.

Lack of trust. Have your boyfriends cheated on you in the past? It's time to leave those feelings of anger and betrayal aside and make room for your new relationship. Give your new love the benefit of the doubt and stop questioning where he's been, who he's been with, or anything else that plays on your suspicions. Healthy relationships need room to breathe, so give yours the space it needs and see if it flourishes.

Holding grudges. While our emotions can get the better of us, especially when we're upset or hurt, holding a grudge doesn't solve any problems. It makes the situation worse. Instead of seething in your anger, talk to your boyfriend and let him know what's bothering you. Give him a chance to explain and really listen, rather than trying to justify your own hurt feelings. If you can't calm down enough to have a real conversation, go for a walk, call a friend, or do something that allows you to blow off some steam first. Then it is your responsibility to start the conversation.

We've talked already, in "5 Ways To Get A Second Date," about how to make a first impression that doesn't require damage control from an expensive Hollywood PR team. The first date do's included arriving on time and holding a conversation that doesn't sound like your beer-based ramblings when "Last call!" is shouted at the local dive bar.

Now let's take a look at a few of the ways you can totally blow it. Here are 5 first date don'ts that will guarantee that you do not get a second date:

1. Forgetting basic etiquette. We've left the Stone Age behind for a reason - it was cold, messy, and not very sexy. Don't spend all night texting your friends instead of interacting with your date. Don't chew with your mouth open. Don't be rude to the waitstaff and any other service professionals you encounter. Don't drink so much that you can't even remember your date's name.
2. Dragging every skeleton out of your closet. There's a time and a place to discuss the more challenging moments in your past, but a first date is not it. A date should never feel that they've suddenly become your therapist. It's also wise to steer clear of topics that are clearly controversial and subjects that make you overly emotional. Light, positive fare is what's on the menu for a first date.
3. Descending into "creepy" territory. Remember that on a first date, you aren't much more than a stranger. Dating is all about getting to know someone, but it's important to respect boundaries. Don't ask questions that are too personal on a first date, and don't bring up intensely sexual subject matter that may make your date feel uncomfortable. Monitor your body language and physical interactions as well.
4. Being needy. Relax - this is just a first date. You don't need to bring an expensive gift as a token of your affection, and you definitely don't need to start discussing your future together. Leave the deep conversations about marriage and children for a future date.
5. Lying. Never try to be someone you're not in order to impress a date. Keeping up the ruse over subsequent dates is nearly impossible and almost guaranteed to backfire. When your lies are exposed, your credibility will be gone and so will your date. Besides, you want someone to be interested in you, not in a character you've invented.

Recently I met a guy, “Roy,” who told me he had relationship problems.

“I’m really awkward,” he said (in a forum). “I’m shy, and I’m just miserable at talking to people.”

Here’s the thing, though - he wasn’t miserable at talking to people. Whether it was pre-prepared posts or real-time text chat, he seemed confident, funny and interesting. And I’m not the first person to think so - Roy told me he’s had several relationships that have begun on the Internet, but typically didn’t work out due to distance issues.

“I don’t understand,” I said. “You said you were awkward, but I haven’t gotten that impression at all.”

“Typing on the Internet is just easier,” he said.

Though we don’t often think about it, human interaction is a skill we have to learn - and one we can lose if we don’t practice. Roy is shy, yes, but he’s also better at talking on the Internet because he does all the time, both for work and social interaction. He’s learned to express himself eloquently, and he’s comfortable with that medium.

In person, he’s not as adept, because he doesn’t often have to approach new people (unless they’re women he’s interested in - which just ups the pressure).

So, what can Roy do?

First, start small - he needs to approach people that he’s not interested in, so that he breaks the cycle of nerves. Just small talk, say, with the grocery store cashier. Next, he needs to move up to starting actual conversations - again, preferably with new people of either gender that he’s not attracted to. First he needs to become good at conversing easily in person; approaching someone he’s interested in is an entirely different step.

Finally, once he’s ready to talk to someone who appeals to him, he can’t consider it a cold-call for a date. Instead of approaching an attractive woman and blurting out a question, he needs to strike up a conversation, just as he would if she were the postman. If the conversation goes well, he can take it from there; if not, he’s just made small talk, which isn’t embarrassing at all.

To some, these steps might seem too small and inconsequential; however, to someone like Roy, they might just take a daunting task and break it into attainable goals.

People like to make a big deal out of first impressions. We even have a cutsy instructive saying about them: "You never get a second chance to make a first impression."

All that emphasis on first impressions isn't without cause. It's a lot harder to change someone's mind later than it is to make sure they develop the right impression in the first place. Just think of another famous saying: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." If you never break it, you'll never have to fix it, so pay attention to the impressions you're creating with each message, each phone call, and each date. A bad first impression could very well mean never getting a second chance - or a second date - to impress someone.

Here are five suggestions for making a first impression you won't have to fix:

1. Don't look like you just rolled out of bed after an all night bender at the local frat house. You shouldn't look like you spent hours getting ready, obsessing over every detail, either, but a little effort (and basic hygiene) goes a long way. Shower, shave, brush your teeth, comb your hair, and make sure you smell nice. Dress in something that's flattering, comfortable, and doesn't look like it came out of the laundry basket. The best first date outfits are stylish without being trendy, and make you feel confident and attractive.
2. Arrive on time. Members of my family are notoriously late for everything so I blame my DNA for my chronic tardiness, but there are few excuses for being late on a first date and your defective genes are definitely not one of them. When you fail to show up on time, your date will think that you're unreliable, disorganized, rude, and disinterested. And in return, your date might fail to be waiting for you when you finally do show up.
3. Keep the focus on your date. Your date should be the center of your attention at all times, not the attractive person you notice walking their dog across the street or the hottie server at the restaurant. You should also never bring a friend along on a date unless it's explicitly clear from the beginning, for all parties involved, that the date is a group activity.
4. Hold a competent, interesting conversation. Don't dominate the conversation on a date - be sure you're asking at least as many questions as you're answering, and show your genuine interest in getting to know your date better by asking follow up questions as well. Show off your sense of humor, save the most controversial topics for later, and don't be afraid of a little silence when it happens.
5. Remain in the present. No date wants to spend an evening hearing every sordid detail about your past relationships. Failure to concentrate on your current date because you're too busy talking about a past date is a great way to guarantee that you will never see that person again. Keep positive and stay in the moment.