Tips

When I was dating, there were some men who really confused me. We went out on great dates (or so I thought), and then they would just disappear. They stopped calling, texting, emailing, or even returning my texts. One man I'd been dating for a couple of months texted me to confirm dinner for Thursday night, and when I wrote back to ask him where we should meet, I never heard from him again.

These incidents remain a mystery to me. While they hurt at the time, and I certainly spent hours discussing all of the possible reasons for disappearance with my friends, the result was always the same. He was gone, and I had to move on. Eventually I learned that spinning my wheels trying to figure out what had happened was only causing me more grief.

While this happens to most daters at one time or another, it's a difficult thing to face. We wonder if we're living in some kind of alternate reality. Did we go out? Did we have fun together? Was it my imagination, or was he interested in me?

Instead of rehashing what might have happened or how she/ he really feels, it serves us better to just acknowledge that it didn't work out and move on. Maybe he met someone else, or got back together with an ex girlfriend. Maybe he's busy with work. Maybe he really wasn't interested after all. It doesn't matter.

The important thing is to keep in mind the mysterious disappearance is not about you. It's not about what you could have said or done differently to achieve a different outcome. We all make mistakes when dating, but if both people are interested, they will pursue. The interest overrides the confusion and mistakes. So if your texts are going unanswered, just assume the person really isn't all that interested in a relationship.

Some tips for moving on:

Let it go. As soon as you do, you open yourself to meeting new people and having new experiences.

Stop commiserating. Sure, it's nice to feel vindicated for someone doing you wrong, but it's not always helpful to moving on. Instead of getting together with friends and listing all of the people you've dated who have let you down, concentrate on the future.

Get back out there! Don't assume it will happen all over again. Every new person means a new chance at a lasting relationship. Socialize, circulate, and keep meeting new people. Soon you'll find the person who really is the right one.

Do you find yourself thinking there are no good single women to date? That perhaps the city you live in is the problem, or maybe the general attitude or expectations of single women?

According to the latest U.S. Census Bureau reports, about half of the adult population is single. That doesn't seem limited or restrictive in any way---that's a lot of choice. I doubt that half the female population is not adequate to date, or that none of them live in your city. So what's really going on?

While it's easy to make excuses for why we aren't meeting anyone special, we often put those roadblocks up ourselves. We say: "everyone around me is married," or "the women I meet are too high maintenance." While this might seem true, it's hardly the case. Often it's because you're not looking hard enough, or you've already drawn conclusions based on past experience so anyone you meet will get judged accordingly.

Following are a few tips to help you keep perspective and meet some great single women:

Maximize your online dating potential. Whether you have a fear of online dating, or believe it just doesn't work for you, give it a real chance. Put some effort into your profile, get your friend to read and edit for you, post clear and flattering pictures. Also, be proactive in communicating to women. Don't just settle for messaging ten favorites. Because there are so many people online, try messaging several dozen. Reach out and see what happens.

Go to brunch places, coffeeshops, and bookstores. These are places women go alone or with their girlfriends...so instead of going to play pool or hang at the local sports bar with your friends, consider frequenting places where single women might be.

Approach with confidence. There's nothing more attractive to single women than a man with confidence. Don't wait for her to make eye contact or flirt with you, be brave and approach her. Start a conversation. Being afraid of rejection is not a good excuse...it just prevents you from taking risks. Your ego will be more emboldened the more you put yourself out there, which in turn makes you more attractive to women. Try it out.

Stop asking your male friends for their input. If you find a woman attractive, don't ask your friends if they think she's hot to get approval. This is your decision, so be brave and start a conversation with her. After all, this is your social life, so don't let other people direct it.

Most importantly, your mindset needs to be positive. In order to meet great single women, you have to believe they are out there. Otherwise, you won't see them. So, have fun and start making things happen for yourself!

Everyone likes a good party. Sometimes they are fun and a chance to hang with friends, but other times when you don't know anyone they can be dull, awkward, and hopelessly long.

The next time you find yourself looking for an escape at a party, consider that maybe you're not giving it your best effort. Having fun means mingling and being social, and when your attitude is "I'm so bored" you send that message to the people around you. Remember, you could be passing up a great opportunity to meet some fascinating people.

Following are some tips on how to mingle, especially in a crowd of strangers:

Be open to everyone you meet. Our tendency is to focus on one person we find attractive and zero in, scheming about how to approach him or her. But the opposite approach I find works better: circulate. Talk to many people, and don't discriminate. For one, you could overlook someone potentially great, and two, you want to be social and not rude to others. This makes you stand out.

Be interesting. This isn't a flippant remark. If you're looking for other people to entertain you because you're bored, you won't get very far. Instead, it's up to you to be attractive and interesting to others by being social and engaging. Go introduce yourself to people you don't know. Take the first step.

Pay attention to body language. When you smile, it's an invitation to have a conversation. Instead of holding your arms across your chest, leave them at your sides. Make eye contact. Pat someone's back or arm when you compliment his appearance. When you're more open with others in terms of body language, they will be more receptive to engaging with you.

Engage. When you ask questions and listen to others, you're showing them you're interested in what they have to say. This doesn't mean that you should act like an investigative reporter, but pay attention to what they say and show them you're listening. Instead of going for the typical "where are you from?" questions, try something a little different. It's okay to be quirky or funny; this allows your personality to shine through.

Help the host. This is a good trick I learned. When you don't know many people, offer to pour drinks, prepare appetizers, or get the barbeque started. When you are offering drinks or food to people, it's a great way to introduce yourself in a way that isn't as daunting as randomly approaching a total stranger. Plus, you get to circulate and talk to everyone.

You've holed up in your house for the past three months, refusing party invitations and neglecting friends. You haven't wanted to be social...at all. You know that you should "get back out there," but you're still hurting from your recent break-up. How do you get past the pain and move on with your life?

Breaking up is not an easy experience. And depending on how long you were with your ex, it's a difficult thing to get used to being on your own again.

Whatever the case, your first order of business is taking care of yourself. If you're thinking about getting out there again, here are some tips to keep in mind:

Get together with good friends. Instead of cutting yourself off from your support network, now is an important time to reach out. Even if you lost touch with them during your relationship, you owe it to yourself to engage with them once again and let them know you're hurting. Your friends want to help you get through this.

Exercise. There's nothing like endorphins to help lift your mood. Instead of sitting in front of the TV, put on your jogging shorts or hiking boots and get outside. It's summer after all; the weather is nice and sunny and perfect for outdoor activities. Call a friend to go with you if you prefer company. Just get moving.

Don't be hard on yourself. It's easy to review old conversations again and again, but is it healthy? Instead of thinking of all the things you could have done or said differently, acknowledge that the relationship is over and you won't make the same mistakes in your next relationship. Being reflective is good so you can learn, but be sure not to wallow in regret.

Get out of town. I'm a big believer in the solo vacation, but if you prefer to gather your friends, go for it! A change of scenery helps you gain a different perspective, which is always helpful in moving on from relationships. So, take that trip you've always wanted. No time like the present.

Accept invitations. If a co-worker invites you to a happy hour gathering, instead of making excuses, stop by for an hour or so. Accept invitations to parties and dinners. The more you start to socialize and meet new people, the easier it becomes to make that transition and start to think about dating again.

Get a hobby. There's nothing like replacing one love for another. I'm not talking about finding a new girlfriend or boyfriend right away, but finding a new hobby that interests you or that you feel passionate about. Whether it's Italian cooking classes, mountain biking, or oragami, try something you've always been interested in and see where it leads. It will energize and uplift your spirits.

When I meet couples who have been together a long time, I like to ask them how they met, what attracted them to each other, and what they love most about being in a relationship. These stories are all unique, and they never fail to surprise me. I'm so curious as to what makes people click, because they are all so different. Sometimes couples are complete opposites in politics, religious views, and personalities; sometimes they resemble each other so much it's a little scary. What attracts them to each other and how they operate in a relationship varies from couple to couple.

Despite all the differences, there seems to be one common element among all these couples and what really brings them together: it is how their partners make them feel about themselves. They say, "I'm a better person when I'm with him/her," or "he/she makes me feel like I can do anything."

There's a lot of power in those statements. Our love for another person is strongly tied to how he or she makes us feel about ourselves. If we feel better, happier, more alive when we're with someone, we want to be around them more. Successful relationships occur when two people bring out the best in each other.

While this fact sounds a bit narcissistic at first, it's not about how a partner can make us happy or solve our self-esteem issues. It is simply about enhancing the attributes we already have. Some people can help us bring out the best in ourselves, without judgment or conditions. This is freeing, and allows us to be more at peace and happy with ourselves. In turn, we're able to give more in a relationship.

Following are some tips to keep in mind when you are embarking on a new relationship:

Identify what your partner brings to the table. Think about his strengths and what you find attractive, and then tell him. Everyone likes to hear what makes him special, so be sure to point it out.

Resist criticizing. Sure, it's easy to develop a laundry list of things you wish the person would do differently. But when you criticize, the first thing a partner will want to do is retreat or fight back. Instead of focusing on the negatives and constantly reminding your partner of what you don't like, focus on what you do like and appreciate. Constant criticism can quickly undermine communication and a relationship.

Be supportive. Being a good partner means being supportive of the other person's goals, dreams, and path in the world. Make a point of communicating your support so she knows you will be there cheering her on.

Sometimes you just don't feel chemistry with a date, even after you've been out a few times. Your habit may be to let their calls go to voicemail and leave their texts unanswered, letting them figure out that you're not interested. But is this the right way to date?

I suggest having a little more accountability to the people you date, even if you only see them once or meet them through an online dating site. Just because they don't know your friends and family doesn't mean that you can treat them disrespectfully. Having some accountability and being honest with your dates goes a long way in the dating process, and makes things easier on you in the long run.

But if you consider yourself a nice person and have trouble letting your dates down, what should you do? I had the same issue, and until I faced it, unfortunately it kept reappearing. One day a friend finally said to me, "Most guys would rather just know you're not interested than wonder. Don't try to be nice and pretend like you'll go out with them again, or keep them guessing by cancelling dates. It's the not knowing how you feel that's the worst. Then they will think of all the things they could have done wrong, or all the things they said that might have offended you. When in reality, you just weren't feeling attracted to them. They would prefer honesty over kindness."

That really hit home for me. I had always assumed men wanted to be treated with kindness, so I would play the disappearing game: cancelling dates due to my crazy work schedule, hoping they would eventually understand I wasn't interested. But instead, they didn't know what to make of me, and thought I was playing games.

Being honest was hard at first. I had to tell some of my dates that I wasn't attracted to them, or that I didn't feel a connection, which was difficult for me. But this ironically was not hard for them; they appreciated the honesty, as my friend said they would. And they moved on quickly. It changed my dating life. It became easier for me to meet new people, rather than more difficult.

Also, don't create a false sense of hope with promises to be friends or by saying that you're not ready for a relationship right now. It's best to be honest about how you feel. When you try to let your dates down too easily, they could misinterpret and believe that a relationship down the line may be a possibility.

Bottom line: we're all adults when we're dating, so treat your dates with common courtesy, honesty, and the same way you'd like to be treated: with respect.