Advice

In online dating, you’ll probably frequently hear the phrase “be yourself.” In fact, you’ve probably been hearing it since you were in school making your first friends! Perhaps it’s become a bit of a cliche over the years - but that doesn’t make it any less true. For an example of why it’s important to be true to yourself, consider the stories of “Tom” and “Rachel.”

Tom’s been having a difficult time with his dating profile since he first sat down to write it. In his opinion, he’s not exciting enough. He looks at other profiles, of people who use words like “adventure” and “quest.” He sees pictures of others who are rock-climbing and skydiving and posing in front of famous pieces of architecture from around the world. Tom thought he was fun-seeking because he liked to drive around on the weekends and maybe try out a drive-in theater on a whim. Then he looked at profiles of people whose weekends were full of urban exploration and mountain climbing.

Rachel’s seen those types of profiles, too, and truth be told, she’s rather tired of them. “Everyone wants to prove how interesting and different they are,” she says. “The last few dates I’ve been on have all been some sort of hike or sport or adventure. Yeah, it might be fun, but there was no time to actually get to know the date. I think some people are literally just looking for a buddy to adventure with, rather than a relationship... which is fine for someone who wants that too, but it’s just not me.” Rachel doesn’t think she could keep up with someone that active in the long run, and she thinks it could actually affect the future of the relationship: “I get the feeling that if I’m not fun anymore, they’d move on anyway.”

In theory, Tom (or someone like him) might just be compatible with Rachel - but if Tom continues to try to make his profile seem like someone he’s not, they might never find one another. And in some small way, many of us are like Tom - striving to fit some ideal that just isn’t us. Consider: maybe constructing an illusion might get you greater numbers of dates - but would you be dating the people with a possibility of a meaningful, long-term relationship? How can you find someone with whom you’re truly compatible if you’re not presenting yourself?

Most people don’t think of dating, even dates that go nowhere, as “wasting time.” However, if you’re deliberately meeting people who wouldn’t be interested in the real you, that might be exactly what you’re doing. Are you presenting the real you?

As human beings, we tend to be a little self-absorbed. Not necessarily in a way that’s entirely negative; it’s simply that we tend to assume that our worries are somehow unique. For example, as a teen you might have felt that you were the only one nervous about the first day of school, and thought that everyone else had it all figured out - when, of course, everyone likely felt the same. Even as an adult, it can be tempting to assume that others will pick up on that slightly-windblown hair or that tiny spot on your sleeve, even if we would never notice such a trivial detail on anyone else.

Online dating can be stressful, frustrating, and we don’t tend to share all the gory details with everyone we meet; as such, it’s probably no surprise that many tend to feel like they’re the only ones who aren’t rolling in offers for dates. In reality, it’s incredibly common to go through “dry spells” of answers to your emails. Even during less arid seasons, most probably feel like they aren’t landing as many first dates as they’d like to, or feel like they should be. After all, online dating sites have hundreds or even thousands of members; why does it seem like only incompatible people are interested?

In truth, you’re far from the only person who feels that way. Remember, in online dating you’re not literally playing the numbers, like a slot machine; you’re dealing with unique human beings. As such, you’re dealing with other people, who have their own sets of nerves. It takes a little courage to message anyone in the first place, especially if you are interested. In contrast, some take a “play the numbers” approach and message every profile they’re even vaguely interested in. Perhaps that’s why it always seems like the “incompatible” messages wind up in the inbox; mass mailings aren’t as specific.

So how does this affect the way we approach online dating? First, remember that you’re not the only one who gets frustrated or overwhelmed with dating - far from it! Now, bearing in mind that almost every single profile has a somewhat nervous person on the other end, consider sending even more first-contact emails. Someone has to be the brave one; why not you?

Finally, remember that finding someone compatible can be tricky. Sending more first-contact emails might mean an increase in rejections, too, and that’s okay - you’re also increasing your chances of meeting someone interesting and potentially compatible. And once you do go on first dates, remember - your date is likely nervous too! Reminding yourself that you’re not the only one with these anxieties and woes just might help you get through your dry spell, and on to enjoying the life cycle of the dating pond.

When constructing an online dating profile, there’s a lot of focus on keeping negativity out of the profile. What some people may not realize is that the self-summary is not the only area into which negativity can creep. In fact, the image section is a great way to make sure you’re not injecting any unintended negativity into your profile; a picture is a worth a thousand words, after all.

The easiest way to stay positive is to select a picture with a smile. True, not everyone likes the way their smile looks, especially when it’s genuine and not a “pretty” smile. But from the perspective of the observer, the genuine smile is the most attractive of all. When you’re really having a good time, you’re feeling comfortable and happy; you’ve let down barriers. Those visiting your profile will pick that up immediately, and perhaps feel like they know you a little better. They’ll feel that warmth, and feel warmer toward you.

Thus, a genuine smile is often the best choice, even if you don’t think it’s necessarily the most flattering. However, not everyone has a photographer standing by when they’re having a good belly laugh; what then? Well, smiling is still a good option, even if it’s your “pretty” smile that you use when you know you’re in front of a camera. Try to choose an occasion that was relatively candid, even if the smile wasn’t. What that means is, a casual shot standing in front of the entrance to a theme park is still better than a posed glamour shoot from your local department store.

Pictures to avoid are anything that might be construed as anger, aggression or moodiness. You might have been going for “alluring” with your sultry pout, but to someone else, you’re just brooding. In particular, staring directly into the camera can be a little too intense for an online profile pic, especially if you’re not smiling. If you feel you absolutely must convey your pensive, serious look, try looking into the distance or off-camera; at least it won’t be mistaken for a mugshot as easily. Thinking about something happy, even when you’re not actually smiling, is helpful, too - though really if you don’t already have some serious picture you love, it’s not worth spending the time to create one now.

Before your profile has even been clicked, you’re making a first impression with your default picture. Furthermore, some peruse all the images before they even get to the text. Is the impression you’re making as positive as you’d like?

Once you’ve been checking out online dating profiles for awhile, a scary trend emerges: you think you start seeing patterns. Maybe most of the people who tend to like a certain book also tend to like a certain movie, or have certain political beliefs. Maybe most of the people with wild-colored hair and glasses also tend to like a certain graphic novel. Even more strangely, sometimes those people even sound a little bit alike.

The first time it happens, you double check to make sure you’re not seeing a literal copy-and-paste profile, but nope, they’re just very similar. And at that point, you’re in danger of heading down a slippery slope: stereotypes.

In online dating, the one danger is that you could start to think of people in terms of numbers, “types,” profiles, typos - anything but an actual person with unique characteristics. Because the truth is, even if two people share all the same interests, there’s no guarantee that they have remotely the same personality. How many of us have run into someone we should be fast friends with based on interests, but absolutely can’t stand? Now imagine that everyone is judging you based on your hobby-doppelganger.

Now, there’s a difference between characteristics that aren’t healthy for you and stereotyping someone. For example, imagine Kate isn’t having any luck with relationships. She analyzes her former flames and decides that the problem is that the majority were alternative-type men with tattoos. Next time, she decides, she’ll avoid men with tattoos.

In reality, the body ink was not the problem or the true common link; the lack of commitment and sheer arrogance was. And the next man Kate dates, the suave businessman who golfs and sneers at everyone, is no different.

In stereotyping, we’re looking at a set of outer characteristics and deciding we already know everything we need to; it doesn’t usually have anything to do with the actual personality. If you receive random, anonymous hateful messages, they’re probably from someone who’s been doing some stereotyping themselves, with toxic results.

The obvious problem with stereotyping is that it can cause you to skim rather than read properly. You could become jaded and feel like you’ve “seen it all,” and maybe it’ll make the profile searching faster - but who knows what you might be missing out on? When you sit down to peruse profiles, even if it’s your 1000th, remember: you’re not trying to rush through your homework. You’re searching to find and meet a human being who seems fun, interesting and maybe even compatible.

Part of the appeal of online dating is the ability to suss out a prospective match before you actually meet in person. We scan for red flags in online profiles and in emails; we might even attempt to do an internet search once we have a real-life name. We have extra time in which to make decisions (such as accepting or asking for a first date), and we value that time.

However, perhaps we shouldn’t drag our feet too much. While there’s nothing wrong with looking for red flags, particularly if you’re nervous about online dating in general, all that extra decision-making time isn’t always useful. Consider:

Spending too much time in back-and-forth communication before the first date might muddle the waters rather than clarify them. The chemistry of a pair of pen pals is completely different from that of a romantic couple. It’s entirely possible that you could get along smashingly via email, but fall flat in person - or vice versa. Thus, if you’re having difficulty deciding how you feel, try exploring why that is; it’s quite possible that you already have more than enough information.

After all, don’t underestimate the importance of the gut feeling. Yes, intuition is best paired with good old-fashioned, well-reasoned logic, but sometimes we forget about what our instincts are telling us. If your potential match seems great, but something inside you warns of danger, there’s nothing wrong with giving it the benefit of the doubt. And if you know you feel confident about accepting a date after one email exchange, you don’t necessarily have to drag it out just to reinforce that gut feeling.

Remember: you make snap judgments about people every day in person. Maybe you’ve gotten along with a co-worker from the very first conversation. Maybe you’ve felt someone was “off” without being able to put a finger on the exact reason. If you met someone with whom you really got along at a bar, would you insist on three more consecutive bar meetings before you gave them your number?

Granted, much of this gut instinct is enhanced in person - your brain is picking up on tiny things that you might not even realize. And that’s all the more reason to get to that first date; that’s where the real assessment happens. All the emailing beforehand is a prolonged introduction; you won’t know anything about your compatibility ‘til that first date. So what are you waiting for?

Dating is an incredibly personal subject. After all, you’re a unique individual, and ultimately you’re the one who chooses to make a commitment with someone. Including someone else in the mix is another, unnecessary set of opinions and preconceptions. Thus, it may surprise you to find that including a trusted friend or family member in the early stages of the online dating process might not be such a bad thing.

A note: the key here is to find someone who is truly trusted, and preferably, someone who only builds you up and doesn’t harm your self-esteem. Writing an online dating profile is a vulnerable process; it’s hard to be honest with yourself if you’re too self-conscious or someone is actively bringing you down. However, if you do have such a trusted friend, they can be a boon to your online profile.

First, they can function as simply a second pair of eyes, a second level of proofreading defense. Just because your spellcheck doesn’t flag a word doesn’t mean you didn’t type the wrong word altogether - but an objective observer might spot such a typo before you do. You can bounce ideas off a friend, and they’ll give you feedback; together, you might figure out a more interesting or creative way to say what you want. In this case, two heads just might be better than one.

Choosing a friend who loves and adores you means they likely see the good in you - possibly positive attributes that you don’t see in yourself. If you’re having trouble seeing the glass as half full, they can be a valuable source of ideas and simple self-esteem boosts. When it comes to choosing a photo, they can help you choose one that really shows the “real you”; when you choose a photo yourself, it can be too easy to get hung up on the fact that your hair isn’t right or your smile is a little goofy.

They might also more easily spot red flags. When we start to think negatively about ourselves, chances are we don’t even notice it; as long as we’re not actively complaining, we think we’re fine. But little turns of phrase can be incredibly revealing to an outsider. A good friend can help you scan for these, and maybe even serve as a sounding board to address these issues.

Finally, a friend who’s clued in on your online dating progress is great to have when you start going on dates. You can give them the information about your first meeting and your potential match, and feel comfortable that they won’t give you a hard time. If you’re particularly nervous about safety issues, you can even have them “lurk” in the same public space where you’re meeting your date.

That doesn’t mean your friend will be a part of any relationship you enter, or even that they’ll have information and opinions about potential matches. Again, once a relationship forms, it’s between you and your partner. But forming an online dating profile can be daunting; if you have a supportive friend, there’s nothing wrong with having a writing buddy.