Communication

When we first set foot back in the dating world, we’re often looking for structure, for “rules.” We want to know the type of messages to send and profiles to write, sure, but mostly, we just want to know who to avoid. We understand that everyone’s definition of “right” is probably different, but surely everyone’s definition of “wrong” has something in common?

In truth, it’s not that easy. Yes, you can look for red flags - signs of bitterness, of someone who’s still seeking closure on a previous relationship, of someone who seems like they might be downright unhealthy or dangerous - but there’s still a world of smaller landmines to navigate.

For instance, the person you see every morning on your daily commute - is it worth taking a chance when you’ll still have to see them if it doesn’t work out? These are the small, personal questions that don’t fit neatly into a Dos and Don’ts list. But that doesn’t mean you won’t find tons of people willing to give you their opinions!

Based on their personal experience, friends and family members probably have several cut-and-dry lists for you: don’t date a co-worker, for instance, or always go after someone who holds the door open for someone else. But the problem is, even if these lists worked for them, it’s based on a) the sort of person with whom they’re compatible and b) the way they personally perceive others. Perhaps the door holding is the clincher for your Aunt Linda, but you would have noticed the fact that they asked if you had any food allergies before choosing a restaurant. Same basic quality, manifesting in different ways.

Plus, with every “Don’t” there’s almost always an exception to the rule. In some cases, such as dating co-workers, it’s a rule that is very frequently broken and often ends in success. The same holds true for another popular no-no, the long distance relationship. At some point, someone had to analyze their relationship in a mature way, and take a chance. Not everything fits in a teen magazine “Top 10” list.

And as you set out in the dating world, instead of collecting the rules of others, start making your own lists. What sort of qualities do you notice and appreciate? What negative tendencies do you notice in yourself and want to avoid? What’s holding you back? What’s worked in the past?

It might seem counter-intuitive to be so self-reflecting when you’re looking for someone else, but if you want to connect with someone else, you have to understand yourself too. Why should a one-size-fits-all rulebook be your best bet?

Picture this: you’re out on a date with a doctor. At the beginning of the night, your doctor date explains that they have to keep their beeper or phone with them at all times, because they’re on call. Seems reasonable, right? As it turns out, with the lines between work and life blurring all the time, you don’t have to be dating a doctor to run into this scenario.

It’s not uncommon for people to have to be connected to some form of technology most of the time, as obligated by their profession. For most, it’s their phone; for some, an actual computer or other equipment is toted around as well. And, while for some this is an isolated issue - maybe they’re on call every once in a great while - for others it’s a regular occurrence, meaning they can’t just schedule their life such that their dates will be tech-free.

The problem is that this is a such a recent development that there aren’t hard and fast rules of etiquette. For example, what about those who don’t need to be tethered to their phones, but compulsively check social media and email anyway? How can you tell the difference between someone who’s conscientious and responsible, and someone who’s a workaholic? If you’re the one tethered to the phone, how do you approach this without scaring off your date?

As with most situations, clear communication is the best place to start. Like the imaginary doctor date, if you’re the one toting tech, explain why right at the outset. It doesn’t hurt to be a little apologetic - it lets the date know they’re still your top priority. At the same time, though, you’re not asking for permission.

Next, do your very best to be in the moment with your date, and not focused on work. Instead of double-checking for emails every two minutes, set an alert that’s audible or vigorously vibrating; that way, you can be confident you’ll get the message, and you won’t have to continuously break eye contact. You’re also sending the message that you know how to set boundaries between your work and your social life.

If your date is the one with the phone welded to them, try to be sympathetic; not everyone can clock out right as the sun sets. Unfortunately, it’s really hard to tell whether your date is overly consumed with their job in the space of one date, so try not to place too much weight on the presence of the phone. Instead, focus on other aspects: how’s the conversation? Do you have a spark of chemistry? However, if your date’s job consumes every consecutive date, or prohibits you from even scheduling another, it might be time to have a talk.

Technology is an integral part of our lives today, and there’s no reason why it should hinder our relationships, even as they’re just blossoming. However, communication - between each other - and mutual respect are the keys to making it all work.

Building a relationship isn't as easy as it seems. It's wonderful to fall in love, to form a connection with someone. But eventually life brings some hardship and you might find yourself butting heads, arguing, and noticing every little annoying thing that your partner does. Because we're all human, we're also capable of making mistakes and not meeting our partner's expectations all the time.

Unfortunately, we don't always know how to communicate what we want or need to each other. So instead of talking things through, we might get defensive or critical and try to get the last word in rather than listening and reaching a compromise. Or sometimes, we might just give in to our partners and build up resentment over time. Neither situation is ideal.

So what is the best way to have your needs met while making sure your partner is satisfied, too? It all comes down to communication, which is almost an art form, especially in relationships. It's important to remember that you might have different opinions or expectations, and both are valid. Ignoring the needs of your partner or yourself won't serve the end purpose of satisfying both of you.

Following are some steps to take to effectively compromise, rather than compete:

Respect each other. If you don't respect your partner's needs and feelings then you aren't starting on a level playing field. Even if you disagree, there is value to how both of you feel. Acknowledge what you mean to each other. Reinforce your love and partnership, your willingness to keep an open mind.

Listen. There's nothing more important than listening to each other and keeping an open mind. When you fall into old patterns, assuming your partner will only react one way, you're limiting your options and outcomes. Instead, really listen to what he has to say. Ask questions without baiting. See how he really feels.

Acknowledge that you've heard. There's more to listening than just nodding your head. Repeat back what your partner has said. For example: "I understand you said..." This is because what we hear and what was said isn't always the same. It's important to understand your partner's motivations as well as your own.

Consider both of your ideal scenarios, then meet in the middle. Easier said than done sometimes. If you are able to compromise on something small, like how often you go out to dinner or who does the laundry, then you'll be able to tackle the larger issues, like whether or not to move to another city or change jobs.

What makes you happy? If you're the type to compromise in order to keep the peace or make your partner happy, you're not helping your relationship. It's important to know what you want and communicate it. If you don't, then you can't get upset when your partner doesn't make room for your wishes. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. That's where compromise begins.

We first saw them in online dating profiles - photos that people took of themselves while standing in front of bathroom mirrors. Now technology has advanced and the practice has spread. People can view themselves on their smartphone screens, then pose, shoot, and post pictures to Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter within seconds.

Such pictures are called "selfies," and they've become a polarizing subject among social media users. According to a recent study out of the UK, posting selfies can have a negative impact on your relationships.

The UK research team evaluated people's posting habits, particularly in regard to self photographs, and if the practice could potentially affect how others view them. Since Facebook pages typically include a wide range of people - from friends to family to work colleagues to acquaintances and high school classmates - how they view profiles varies greatly. Selfies were considered the worst type of pictures to post in terms of what people prefer to see.

In addition, posting too many selfies were found to hurt romantic relationships, too. Researchers found that users who posted selfies were more likely to report feeling less supported by their relationship partners. In the majority of these cases, their partners tended to post pictures of families and family events. Researchers reasoned that the difference between the types of photos people posted could explain why one person in the relationship feels less supported than the other.

Based on the finding of the study, researchers agreed that it would be a good idea to talk about your social media practices before entering into a relationship. If you tend to take selfies and it turns your partner off, it could be a source of conflict as the relationship progresses.

Good communication is the foundation of a good relationship, even your online communication with your circle of friends and family. If you're posting a lot of selfies on Facebook and Instagram, others could conclude that you want a lot of attention and it turns them off. Your partner might feel that you'll dish about your relationship, the good and the bad, which is nobody else's business. Others might get annoyed at your posts clogging up their Facebook feeds.

Whatever the case, too many self photographs are a definite turn-off among users of social media according to the study, and often they can detract from a relationship. Instead of turning inward and posting on social media, talk to your partner if you're not getting what you need. Work on your relationship together, offline.

Everyone knows that double dates can be awkward: another couple, begging to be directly compared to your relationship. What you might not realize is that the temptation to compare relationship to someone else’s doesn’t only occur when they’re sitting across from you at dinner. We tend to relate to others by sharing and comparing our own experiences, so when you’ve embarked on a new relationship it’s not uncommon to get a lot of “helpful tips” and stories from others. And when that happens, it’s probably best we stuff some proverbial cotton in our ears.

You see, comparing yourself to another relationship is not often good, but comparing it against an established relationship can be even worse. Yes, there is the occasional kernel of wisdom, but in general it’s best to maintain a “take it with a grain of salt” policy. Here are just a few reasons why:

First, there’s what, in the literary world, is called the “unreliable narrator.” Not that the person talking to you is a liar, or in any way malicious or untrustworthy; it’s just that they can only tell you their story from their own perspective. They may think their relationship had a turning point thanks to some event, while their partner may think it was due to a completely different motivation. Combine that with the fuzziness of time, and even the most cherished memories might be closer to a vague approximation of the truth rather than gospel.

Next, there’s the benefit of time. It can be tempting to observe another couple and long for the closeness they might have: a one-word answer and a look that seems to equal an entire message to a partner, or two people who make the same joke at the same time. Those people might even say they “clicked” at once. The truth: they may well have had a spark, but they likely weren’t that close at first sight. No matter how compatible you are, some things only come with time - doing activities together, watching the same movies, actively working on communication.

Finally, remember this: whenever you see another couple, they know they’re in public, potentially being observed, and thus, are always on their best behavior. Even when you can spot the cracks in a public facade, know that you’re only seeing half the story. This doesn’t mean that every relationship is terrible behind closed doors; in fact, some might be even more loving and affectionate when they’re not feeling self-conscious and exposed. It simply means that you’re not getting an accurate picture of how the relationship really works.

So you can’t really get an accurate sense of someone else’s relationship, even if you observe, even if they tell you all about it - and that’s okay! Because there’s no point comparing your relationship that closely with someone else’s; every relationship is somewhat unique anyway. Sometimes you can make the tips and tricks of others work for you; sometimes you and your partner have to find your own way. As long as you’re seeking your own happiness, and not what you think happiness should look like, you’re on the right path.

The scenario: You've met a woman you find incredibly attractive. You've been dating for a few weeks, and are considering a relationship. The problem? She posts constantly about her personal life on social media, and checks Facebook and Instagram constantly, which makes you a little uncomfortable. What will she say about you?

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and other social media sites have become a huge part of our lives. Most of us regularly check in. But we all have different levels of comfort with what and how much we share.

If you're in your twenties, you're more likely to friend someone before the first date, and you're more likely to share aspects of your life over social media. There isn't such a divide between your virtual presence and your real life, because the Internet and social media have been ever-present. So it might be harder to discern where the line is when you discuss your love life. For instance, do you blog, Tweet, or share stories on Facebook about your dates? Do you look at someone's relationship status before her ring finger? Do you like to post photos of you and your dates on Instagram?

Social media can play a large role in developing relationships, so it's important to discuss how you will use it if you decide to take your relationship to the next level.

Maybe you're worried because your girlfriend checks her Facebook page when she first wakes up in the morning, or because her Instagram account is full of pictures of her getting drunk with friends. Before you make assumptions about her online behavior going forward, it's important to discuss what makes you uncomfortable and set some boundaries as far as what you'll share online.

For instance, let her know that you love her blog, but you don't want to be the subject of any posts, positive or negative. Talk about your relationship status in person before you make decisions about what it is on Facebook. Maybe you're fine with her posting pictures of her meals, travel, or friends on Instagram, but you're uncomfortable with her keeping a visual record of every date. Talk it out. Together you can decide where the boundaries are, what you can compromise on, and what will make both of you happy.

Bottom line: if you're uncomfortable with how much or the content of what your girlfriend shares, let her know. Don't expect her to have the same opinions or judgments as you do. Everyone is a little different when it comes to what they are willing to expose and the stories they wish to tell publicly. So don't make assumptions based on what you think is right. Discuss how much you want to share of your love life over social media.