Communication

Long-distance love isn't something most people seek out. After all, you want to find someone who lives close enough so that you can spend time together. But sometimes, we meet people outside of our desired geographic locations and we want to try and make it work - to create a long-distance relationship.

But how do you actually do this successfully?

Long-distance relationships do come with many challenges. It's hard to be apart and removed from each other's lives, (but it's also very romantic every time you're reunited, which helps keep the desire going). To avoid conflict and misunderstanding, it's important to communicate with each other on a regular basis.

Following are some tips to help build your long-distance relationship:

Take it slowly. If you met online, or had a brief fling while you were visiting a friend in another city, you don't really know the other person. It takes time to build a relationship - to get to know another person. So don't dive head first into romance. Talk to each other over the phone. Make plans to see each other in person, sooner rather than later. If you haven't yet met in person, then make sure it happens before you are too emotionally involved. The other person might be misrepresenting themselves and deceiving you (a term known as catfishing). Proceed with caution, and if your love keeps making excuses and avoids getting together, likely she has something to hide.

Communicate regularly. Texting is great and easy, but long-distance relationships require a little more involvement since you don't see each other face-to-face so often. Schedule time to Skype with each other or even talk on the phone. Tell him/ her details about your day, to include them in your daily life as much as you can. If something is bothering you, like the fact that you're the one doing all the calling, it's also best to share sooner rather than later. You don't want misunderstandings or resentments building up, and you do want the reassurance that you both feel the same way (committed to the relationship).

Live your own lives. Don't sit by the phone every Saturday night waiting for your partner to call. Instead, be more social. Make new friends, spend time with family, pursue hobbies you love. Developing your own life is important for long-term relationship success, no matter how far apart you are geographically.

Have a plan. Don't enter into a long-distance relationship without talking to each other about the end goal. You both would like to end up in the same place, right? If one of you is going to school, make plans for after graduation to relocate to one city. If your jobs are taking you away from each other for the long-term, one of you might want to consider moving should the relationship keep moving forward. Make a plan to assess things six months to a year from now.

Most of us have our phone with us at all times, and are texting the people in our lives on a regular basis. So it makes sense that we also use texting as a way to ask someone out or to make plans for a date. It's even a good way to flirt and keep the interest going.

But what about those who are already in relationships? Is it better to communicate with each other over text, or can it affect your relationship in a negative way?

According to a new study, too much texting can be a source of frustration and dissatisfaction when it comes to romantic relationships. Researchers from Brigham Young University who conducted the study found that, "couples that constantly text were more susceptible to miscommunication."

According to researchers, reaction to disappointment and other emotions occurs more quickly face-to-face. When you aren't able to gauge someone's reaction - like when you're texting instead of talking to each other - it leads to more miscommunication and hurt feelings.

The study looked at the habits of 276 men and women between the ages of 18 and 25 who were in serious relationships (including some married and engaged couples). Of the group, 82% said they traded messages back and forth with their partners multiple times per day.

Those who sent loving messages more often reported a higher degree of relationship satisfaction. But volume wasn't the main barometer in testing the relationships. It seems that men who texted more often typically felt less satisfied with the relationship. Researchers pointed out that this might be a way that men disconnect - by turning to their phones and decreasing face-to-face communication with their partners.

Female participants in the study felt differently. If they texted more often, they reported more satisfaction with the relationship. They also tended to use their smartphones when their relationships were in trouble. They took to texting to apologize, make a decision, or work out differences with their partners.

"Technology is more important to relationship formation than it was previously," BYU researcher Lori Schade said in a statement. "The way couples text is having an effect on the relationship as well."

Texting is shaping the way we communicate with each other, but it's also leaving us more confused about when to use our phones versus talking with each other in person, especially in our romantic lives.

It seems one thing is clear: if you need to discuss problems or have heavier relationship conversations, it's much better to do them face-to-face.

Let’s say you (Person #1) are on a first date, and you know there’s probably no spark there. Nothing personal, but you don’t seem to have as much in common as you both thought you would, and physically there just doesn’t seem to be anything between you. You’re just two polite people making small talk at this point.

And then it happens. Your date says something that leaves an opening. An opening to something you’re passionate about. And you decide that maybe the evening isn’t a waste after all. Sure, you’re not interested in romance, but maybe you can impart some wisdom on this particular subject.

Now let’s imagine the same scenario from the other perspective - that of your date, Person #2. The beginning is much the same - polite people with polite small talk. Not the best night of your life, but not the worst. But then it happens. You make an innocuous comment, and the eyes of your date light up with zeal.

The next twenty minutes are spent listening to a pitch. Maybe it’s to convert to their religion, or political viewpoint. Maybe it’s health or diet related. Maybe they want you to join their pyramid scheme or cosmetics party or timeshare. You’re left feeling ambushed, wondering if this was the point to the date the entire time. The date is quickly gaining rank as one of the worst ever.

In reality, there was no ulterior motive to the date - it’s simply that Person #1 lost sight of the point of date. Romance was no longer an option, so they stopped being on “their best behavior” and missed the fact that their soapbox rant was not really appropriate for this setting or audience.

This is really where many dates go wrong - when we’re not actively trying to woo someone. The manners slip, or someone gets too comfortable, and then the true colors show.

On the one hand, this is a blessing in disguise - clearly the people on this date were not meant to be, and it’s better to see someone’s true character sooner rather than later. On the other hand, this date was going nowhere from the start; now a pleasant, if bland evening has been turned into something far more awkward.

As you go out on your first dates, don’t give up on your “best first impression” persona just because you know you haven’t found love - it’s not fair to your date. While your passion may be exciting to someone who’d make a good match, it’s not always appropriate in a small-talk date setting. Additionally, it never hurts to monitor your behavior at any time - wouldn’t you rather be with someone whose “sloppy” self was still considerate and polite?

By now, many of us are familiar with The Rules, a dating guide written several years ago that became the standard for women who wanted to "capture" a man. One of the main points made in the book is that women tend to make themselves too available, and the big secret to landing the man of your dreams is playing hard to get.

While we might have moved on from this advice in theory, many female daters still adhere to the "play hard to get" mantra, even subconsciously. Instead of letting a man know she's interested, some women play it cool and wait for the man to move the relationship forward. While women are willing to have sex, they are not so willing to share their feelings or let a man know they are falling in love.

After all, men don't want a woman who is too needy or relies on the relationship. He wants her to be mysterious, independent, and elusive. As soon as she admits her feelings, then he'll get scared and want somebody new. At least, this is the thinking behind the behavior.

While some guys enjoy playing a game of chase when they pursue a woman, many get incredibly frustrated. They don't know if she's really interested, and get tired of guessing. What are her intentions? Does she just want him to spend money on her, or does she really like him? Is she ready to get serious, or is he just a distraction from her ex boyfriend?

Sometimes we might not like to admit to ourselves that we've played games in our love lives. Have there been times when you dated a man you weren't all that interested in because you were lonely, or because he romantically pursued you? Or were there other times when you fell hard for him but refused to tell him how you felt? Instead, you opted for being fun, unattached, and sexy, hoping he'd want to "capture" you?

Did your relationship last? Were you happy and fulfilled? Likely not. When we play games, we're not being true to ourselves, and make it even harder to find love. After all, falling in love requires both people to be vulnerable, to be willing to get hurt. When you're playing games, you're essentially communicating that you don't want to get hurt. You just want to escape unscathed.

So the next time you're falling for a guy you met, or wondering what he's thinking, instead of playing games or trying to figure him out, try being honest. The worst that can happen is that he doesn't feel the same, and that's okay. Better to know sooner than later and move on to someone who reciprocates your feelings.

Dating is a tricky thing. People have different views on what's acceptable and what's not, but they don't always communicate it. After all, would you feel comfortable saying that you want exclusivity on a second or third date? Probably not. But when you avoid the hard conversations with your dates in order to just be casual and have fun, you might be sending the wrong message.

For instance, if you're a woman who enjoys meeting men, do you have an obligation to tell a man you've been dating for a month that you don't want to be exclusive? Or is it better to wait until he brings it up to you?

Many people opt for the latter, because they are afraid to have the serious conversations. They are afraid being truthful will mean they might have to give up something that's easy and fun.

But dating requires us to be truthful in order to have a real relationship. If you're hiding what you want, you aren't doing anybody any favors. People deserve to know where they stand, even if it means breaking things off.

Let's look at a few examples:

Jack and Simone - they have been dating for two months. Simone is also sleeping with her co-worker, but she doesn't consider this a "real" relationship, just a convenience. She doesn't want to give her co-worker up in case her new relationship doesn't work out, but recently he's been wanting more than just a casual fling. Should she come clean with both of them?

You can see why Simone might be hesitant. She stands to lose both dates by telling them she's not interested in being exclusive just yet. Her co-worker could be angry that she was dating at all, especially if she wasn't clear about her intentions with him. And if she is ready to take her new relationship to the next level? She has to risk potentially losing her new guy, too. He might not want to be exclusive, but she owes it to herself to be clear about what she wants and to communicate it.

Anna and Caleb - Anna has been dating a few men she met online for the last several weeks. She likes them all, and figures she should keep dating all of them until they fall out. Steve is really handsome and charming, Rob is really energetic and creative, and then there's Caleb, who makes her laugh. She's most interested in Caleb, but he's been giving off a vibe that he's not really the monogamous type. She and Caleb haven't discussed their relationship at all, but she assumes he's seeing other women and she wants to leave her options open, too.

When you're dating, you're still in the process of getting to know someone, so there's no need to rush into a relationship. However, you can't date multiple people without being honest with all of them. If she really wants to continue dating all of them, she has to tell them she's dating other people, and let them decide whether or not to continue. But even more to the point, it's important that she tell Caleb her feelings, otherwise she will continue dating him without getting her needs met. There's no point in holding on to someone if there's no chance your relationship will progress.

There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to dating, but it's most important to be honest - with the people you date and yourself.

Imagine: a first date between “Sam” and “Alex.” Sam and Alex are sitting together enjoying drinks and appetizers; however, their internal monologues are miles away from each other.

Sam is still mentally trying to catch her breath. Traffic on the way home from work was terrible; she took the fastest shower known to man and the underside of her hair is still damp. She was able to pull herself together on time, but as she sat down at the table she realized she forgot to brush her teeth. Now she’s fervently hoping there isn’t anything in her smile she should be embarrassed about, and trying to wait for a moment to rush to the restroom that doesn’t seem too soon.

Alex is naturally shy and a little awkward. He’s spending most of his time mentally dissecting everything he’s just said, and inwardly punishing himself over it. That joke wasn’t even funny - she was giving him a pity laugh! He was too loud when he gave his order to the waitress! He just accidentally drank some water the wrong way, and tried to give a casual, delicate cough instead of the gasping and flailing he was doing mentally. Did she notice?

In truth, no, she didn’t notice, because she just realized she’d buttoned her shirt incorrectly in her frenzied tornado of preparation. She just had to get to the restroom and straighten herself out! Maybe then she could relax.

It’s twelve minutes into the conversation. Aside from the initial confirmation that yes, this is the person whose profile they enjoyed, each party has been more concerned with their own shortcomings than worrying about the other person. And that’s how it is for many people - we tend to be self-centered, quick to judge ourselves much more harshly than we would someone else.

If either Sam or Alex could relax, perhaps they could draw their date into the moment as well; so far it’s been two people who are mentally a million miles away. And perhaps they still will; once Sam gets back from pulling herself together and Alex’s adrenaline ebbs. But a chunk of their time together will have been effectively wasted.

As you go out on your first dates, bear Sam and Alex in mind. Don’t stress too much about your initial impression. If you’re nervous, your date is likely even more so, or even just preoccupied with something else (did they leave the hairdryer plugged in?). Nervous, quizzical small talk doesn’t do much to turn the evening around; relaxed, easy, friendly conversation does. And if you can keep yourself together and out of your own head, you’re already halfway there.