Advice

Trying to understand the opposite sex when it comes to dating can be frustrating. I don't know how many times I analyzed how someone else felt about me or what they wanted. (A good time? A relationship? A friends with benefits situation?) For example, if a man went out of his way to come see a band with me, or if he was flirting with me all night, telling me how wonderful I was, I thought...he must like me as much as I like him. But then why wasn't he calling me?

I assumed I knew how these men felt based on a few really awesome dates we'd had - I was certain if we connected so much when we were physically around each other, he must be thinking about me when I wasn't there, too.

Was I wrong.

Men are pretty predictable when they are falling for a woman. He might be attracted to you, but that doesn't mean he wants to move forward into relationship territory. It's important to pick up on a few basic cues to see if the feeling is mutual:

He calls you consistently. Wondering why he's suddenly MIA after being all hot and heavy with you on your last date? I've been there - we think of all kinds of excuses as to why he doesn't call. Maybe he's too busy with work or maybe he's just not "a phone person." But we're not doing ourselves any favors by excusing him. The point is, if he really wants to call you, even if he's in a hospital somewhere, he will call.

He's not mysterious. While Hollywood movies like to tell us differently, men who are interested in a long term relationship don't disappear or keep part of their lives hidden. There's nothing sexy about someone who hides. A man who's interested will want you to know where he is. He wants to introduce you to friends and family. He makes plans with you. If he's not being straightforward about how he spends his time, likely you're not the only one in the picture.

He's not consumed by career ambitions. It took me a long time to figure this one out, because I assumed most of the men I dated put their careers first, relationships second. I was used to being called inconsistently or infrequently, chalking it up to "when the timing is right, he'll come around." But this isn't true. No matter where he is in his career, if you're right for each other, he will make time for your relationship.

His eyes are on you. Ever been on a date with a man you're crazy about, and he seems really distracted? If a man is really interested, he makes sure to pay attention to you. He doesn't get distracted by who else is there, including other women.

Women are crazy, right? We fall head over heels in love with men the minute we meet them, and we're obsessed and clingy forever afterwards.

At least, that's the narrative that's commonly told.

In reality, science says it's men who fall in love faster than women. One survey found that a man hardly needs to have spoken to a woman before he decides that she's the one for him. Women, on the other hand, require more time before they're willing to give their hearts away.

The survey was commissioned for the launch of Elizabeth Noble's new novel, The Way We Were, the story of childhood sweethearts who reappear in each other's lives years later. 1,500 men and 1,500 women aged 16 to 86 were polled about their love lives

One in five men surveyed claimed to have experienced love at first sight. Just over half reported being smitten with a woman after just one meeting, and nearly three-quarters admitted they'd lost their hearts within three dates.

In contrast, only one in ten women said they had experienced the fabled rush of love at first sight. Most said they waited until at least the sixth date before determining whether or not they'd found the real thing. The study also found that:

• The average British man falls in love just over three times in his life, while the average woman falls in love only once.
• More men than women claim to have loved someone who did not love them back.
• Men are also more likely to say 'I love you' first.
• Both sexes agree that their first love was the most difficult to get over. One in four said they felt they would never fully recover from the heartbreak.

Another study from the University of Texas found that it takes men 20 minutes or less to decide whether or not they want a second date with women. And the study found this interesting difference between the sexes: the more attractive a woman is, the more a man thinks she's interested in him. Women, on the other hand, tend to underestimate men's attraction to them.

Professor Alexander Gordon, a psychologist and member of the British Psychological Society, has analyzed the differences between men's and women's views of falling in love and choosing partners. He believes that men tend to turn to superficial factors, like a woman's looks, to determine whether or not they are in love, but the process of falling in love is much more complex for women.

Women are more likely to weigh all the pros and cons of a potential partner before making their choice. "Women are better at reading social situations," Gordon says, "and are more likely to ask more questions of themselves after meeting someone, like is he going to make me feel secure and will he be a good father to my children?"

Recent studies are beginning to show that online dating can, in fact, lead to successful, long-term relationships for many. This isn’t exactly a surprise to those who have witnessed or experienced success already, but it’s yet another step in breaking down the antiquated stigma that, for some, still surrounds online dating. These studies might even bring a fresh wave of those who want to take the plunge and sign up with a site. All good news, right? Well, yes - as long as we keep a few key points in mind. If you’re new to online dating, or just want a refresher on points to mention when you’re chatting with the curious, here are some to start with:

First and foremost, online dating isn’t really that different. When people have a negative impression of online dating, they usually believe something along the lines of a bunch of robots, clinically matching up the desperate. It’s otherworldly, foreign. Now that online dating is getting positive attention, it might still reinforce that notion that it’s “different” - only this time, it’s seen as a magic wand.

In reality, of course, online dating is just another way to meet people in person. You don’t strive to fall in love with a profile; that profile piques your interest enough that you send an email, and if there’s mutual interest, you meet in person. That’s where the real magic happens - and it’s a tale as old as time itself.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that online dating doesn’t have several benefits for those who have difficulty dating - it does! Since you don’t have to be on-site to learn that your potential match exists, you don’t have to worry about the serendipity of ever finding them. You can stumble upon their profile when you’ve just gotten home from working the night shift, for example. Or you can find the only other person who’s ever heard of your favorite movie, even though you’d never run into each other through your daily routines.

Another point to consider if you’re new or talking to someone interesting in signing up for online dating: even the most shy people have to be a little proactive. Online dating sites can show you profiles of people you may be interested in, but you’re the one who has to take that first step and email them. Online dating is efficient, but it doesn’t do the work for you.

That being said, for someone who’s shy, emailing can be considerably easier than approaching someone in person. And by the time you meet in person, you know there’s already at least a little mutual interest, so that first in-person meeting is all the easier. Testing out compatibility is always nerve-wracking, but online dating can at least ease those difficult initial steps. And with the sheer numbers involved in online dating, you have the ability to practice and get comfortable much more quickly than you might otherwise.

Online dating can indeed be a way to find love, as hopefully more and more people will discover over time. And by having honest conversations about it, we can continue to break down misconceptions. After all, the more people who approach online dating with accurate expectations, the faster they can find the love they’re seeking.

When it comes to dating with an age difference, there's usually only one story told: men love younger women, and women love older men.

Yeah, it's true - some men do want to date younger women and some women do only go for older men - but it's not the full story, and it's time we recognized that there's more to May-December dating than one unscientific-but-still-predominant view.

AYI.com (Are You Interested?), a dating service that uses Facebook to pair people based on interests, has pulled data from its 68 million downloads and 20 million Facebook profiles to analyze what it takes to make a successful match. Their experiment focused in on the 1 million recommended pairings in a specific population of 35,942 users ages 30 to 49.

AYI's most surprising finding was this: their female subscribers were five times more likely to show interest in men who were five years their junior than men who were five years older. The old narrative is outdated and inaccurate.

Well, sort of. Men do still like dating younger women, as the AYI study proved. Among the 26,434 men between the ages of 30 and 49 who were studied, 42% said they wouldn't even consider dating a woman if she was older than them. If, however, an older woman contacted them first, they admitted they wouldn't necessarily turn her down. AYI's data shows that a man is only 22% less likely to respond to an older woman than to a younger woman if she is the one who initiates contact.

What gives, guys? If you think older women are an easy target with no other options - and it doesn't require any preliminary effort on your part - you'll go for it, but otherwise you won't go anywhere near them? That doesn't sound like the progressive society I like to think I live in.

There are a few theories that explain why AYI's study turned up its findings. Once upon a time, AYI analysts think, young women marrying older men had an appeal based on wealth. While there are still plenty of women who like the idea of marrying for money, younger women are now inundated with requests from older men on dating sites and the myth of the Sugar Daddy is never as glamourous as it seems.

A 2008 study published in the journal Psychology of Women Quarterly found that women who are 10 or more years older than their partner are more satisfied and more committed to their relationships than women who are the same age or younger than their partners. So guys...don't limit yourself to younger women, and girls...don't be afraid of dating younger men.

We’ve all seen it in movies: the couple that starts out as fiery opposites. They trade insults along with witty banter. The attraction builds, along with the tension, until it just can’t be denied; a passionate argument turns into something quite different.

Though it’s a common tale on TV and in novels, it’s not something that you encounter quite as much in real life. And of all the romance-novel scenarios, it’s one that would be exceedingly difficult to recreate utilizing an online dating site. But that doesn’t stop some from trying.

Usually an inflammatory or abusive first-contact email is easy to spot, but what about the ones with backhanded compliments or downright insults? Though it may seem unlikely, they are known to surface. “Sarah” tells me: “I’ve gotten emails that insult my favorite movie, my favorite books, even the choice of clothes I wear in my pictures. Oh, and there was the one guy who told me that since I have one cat at my age, I’m already headed down the slippery slope to becoming a crazy cat lady.”

It’s unclear why someone would go through the trouble of sending a semi-legitimate email, only to criticize or ridicule. In fact, the reasons are probably as varied as the emails themselves. There are a few possibilities, though:

One is the concept of “negging” - insulting an attractive person to “take them down a few notches” and therefore make them more vulnerable. It began as a technique used by self-proclaimed “pick-up artists,” but over the years it’s become increasingly mainstream (and it can come from either gender, too).

Another is the “opposites attract” theory - not that someone is literally trying to recreate a scene from a movie, but perhaps that’s the only way they know how to communicate with someone they’re attracted to. Picture children who tease, shove or pull the hair of the little boy or girl they like, and add thirty-plus years to the picture. Also in the “stunted” category, there’s the possibility that the emailer doesn’t even realize they’re being overly critical or cruel - they might think they’re starting up a healthy debate or trying to be funny.

Then, of course, there’s the possibility that someone’s simply being mean for the sake of being mean. They may be few and far between, but they do exist.

Whether or not the writer of such emails realizes they’re out of line, chances are the root cause is more than you ought to have to deal with. The easiest, and cleanest, option is to ignore the email - engaging them might cause more trouble, especially if they’re being purposely inflammatory. If you absolutely feel you must respond, a stiff letter in which you state you’re not interested in games or defending yourself might do the trick - but write at your own peril.

Remember, everyone gets such emails from time to time, but that doesn’t mean you need to fall into the trap of being upset by them. Fiery beginnings may work in the movies, but in person they just add stress and sap energy. Send genuine, honest first-contact emails, and only respond to those who do the same, and you’ll maximize your chances of finding someone truly compatible.

Even though we join online dating sites to meet other people, a lot of the ‘prep work’ involved has to do with self-reflection. You have to figure out who you are in order to write about yourself well. You have to figure out what you really want in order to maximize the efficacy of your searches. And if something isn’t working for you, you can often help yourself by asking yourself tough questions.

However, such introspection can become problematic when actual outside people enter the picture, such as on the first date. Chances are, you’re still worried about yourself: the impression you’re making, how much to talk about your past, whether you have anything interesting to talk about if there’s a lull in the conversation. Plus, there are the additional nerves associated with any first date. So guess what’s probably not at the forefront of your mind?

Your date. Or more specifically, what your date is saying.

It can be easy to forget to switch the focus from ourselves to our potential match, but it’s vital to the health and potential success of the date itself. Consider: if you’re focused on your match, you’re probably less nervous, because you’re paying attention to what they have to say instead of whatever you’re obsessing about. As you relax, you’re probably more natural and attractive.

When you’re actually paying attention to the conversation, it’s much easier to have a back-and-forth. You aren’t casting about in your mind for conversation topics as much, because you’re simply following the natural flow of the conversation. There are fewer awkward silences. And since you’re focused on your date, it’s much easier to get a sense of whether you’re actually compatible. When you’re wrapped up in your head, your judgment is much more suspect.

Finally, there’s the most basic of reasons to focus on your date: it’s polite and respectful. Your date is probably just as nervous as you are; they’ve probably gone over conversation topics in their own head too. Giving each other the respect you both deserve is the perfect way to get a relationship going on the right foot.

So next time you go on a first date, don’t fret too much about your hair or the million tiny what-ifs that could go wrong. Instead, focus on listening and responding to your date - it’s the simplest, and best, way to get the ball rolling.