Advice

When we sign up for an online dating site, we’re tasked with the challenge of making ourselves appear unique. Of course, we are unique - every person is. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t very similar to someone else, or even lots of someones.

It makes sense; you grew up with the same pop culture influences as other people in your demographic. Maybe you grew up in the same area as well. You’re going to be inclined to make the same references and jokes and have similar taste in TV and movies. And when it comes to finding a match, that’s an asset - the ability to relate, to draw from common experiences. Still, it can be disconcerting when you want to stand out from the pack.

Remember that online dating isn’t a competition; ultimately you’re looking for someone compatible, not the largest number of responses or emails or first dates. So the other profiles aren’t your “competition” in the strictest sense of the word. Still, you don’t want to be completely generic, or worse, a cliche.

Thus, the key is to peruse the profiles of the “competition” before even settling down to write your own, on the site you choose to utilize. Even if a profile has worked for you in the past, or on another site, you might be shocked to find that your responses to these particular questions, on this particular site, are exactly the same as countless others.

For example, on one popular site, many people cite “air” or “oxygen” as something they “can’t live without.” It’s mildly cute and funny the first time you read it; it might signify a dry sense of humor, a wry way of looking at the world and dating in general. After the tenth time, though, it’s lost its charm. After a few dozen more, it’s essentially a space-waster, doing nothing to set the author apart and potentially making them appear lazy, unoriginal or cliche.

You don’t really have to make your profile unique; in fact, acknowledging you’re not a special snowflake might be healthier and more appealing in the long run. But taking the time to keep yourself from becoming a cliche is something that takes minimal energy and could help you avoid downright negative connotations. What might actually make you stand out from the pack is nothing more - or less - than a little homework.

When something's called the International Business Times, you expect serious journalism and hard-hitting reporting. What you don't expect is a headline that reads "Why Online Dating Sucks 80% Of The Time."

To be fair, it's an opinion piece written by Nick Gwiazada, but still...those are some pretty harsh words for a service that's helped a lot of people.

It doesn't get any less harsh as he continues: "On Internet dating sites, everybody is 'unique.' Everybody is well-read, everybody listens to 'cool' indie bands, everybody is intellectual and refined and grown-up and perfect. Everybody online is the same boring person because online dating focuses on intellect and depth."

Um...what online dating sites is he subscribed to? Because I'd like to see this for myself.

Real life dating, on the other hand, is "more about sex appeal" than online dating, according to Gwiazada. Again...what dating sites is this guy using? Last I heard, everyone was complaining that people put too much emphasis on pictures and physical attractiveness on online dating sites. There's no way the pendulum has swung the other way.

That's not to say that Gwiazada doesn't get anything right. There's no doubt that plenty of online daters misrepresent themselves in one way or another, and yes, hiring someone else to manage your profile for you is a real thing. I'll let you decide the morality of that particular approach for yourself.

And then there's this: "Online dating throws a metaphorical wrench into the evolutionary plan of natural selection with regard to mating. It attempts to match people who are not otherwise attracted to one another." No, that's exactly the opposite of what online dating sites and all their fancy algorithms are trying to do. Dating sites spend millions of dollars to improve their ability to judge real compatibility!

Oh, and then there's this: "It puts you in contact with people you would otherwise never be in a situation to meet if not for the Internet." Yeah, Nick, that's precisely why so many people love online dating - it gives them the opportunity to meet awesome people they might never have met otherwise.

Gwiazada should have stopped with his thesis statement (oddly positioned at the end of the article): "The television commercials...say that 1 in 5 marriages are a result of meeting online. But guess what: 4 out of 5 are not. So, online dating sucks 80 percent of the time."

Sounds to me like someone is a little bitter. Take chill pill, kid, and leave online dating to the rest of us who enjoy it.

A difficult aspect of online dating is the struggle to view everything with fresh eyes. For example, let’s say you want to step out of your own personal box politically, so you purposely don’t filter for your own political beliefs. But after three dates confirm all your stereotypes, it’s hard to view the next one with the same optimism. Yes, you know every person is an individual and you shouldn’t lump them all in one box... but it’s hard not to.

There are a few ways to cope with this issue. One is purely psychological: instead of viewing your profile - or even your mental list of wants and needs - as a fixed list, think of it as a work in progress, constantly evolving. So you want to be open-minded, but you really can’t bite your tongue when it comes to that political issue. Fine; maybe that’s just something you can’t compromise on at the moment. It might change in the future, but if filtering for your beliefs now gives you a greater chance of finding someone with whom you get along, that’s exactly the point of the filter. Online dating strives to make the process easier, not more difficult.

Another tactic is to attempt to mix things up, and thus avoid falling into a rut. Maybe you alternate online dating with making a sincere effort to get out and meet people the “old-fashioned way,” whether that’s through a club, church, or just approaching someone who strikes your fancy. This way, you don’t feel like you’ve limited yourself to one approach. Furthermore, the skills you gain in one can serve you well in the other - approaching people in person can make those first dates with an online match more natural, whereas getting used to sending first-contact emails can making approaching someone in person less daunting.

Another way of mixing up your routine is to try out different kinds of online dating sites. Perhaps you have a niche interest, but you’re wary of “boxing yourself in” with a niche site as the primary place you search. By trying out different sites in addition to your “main,” you can explore your niche interests and possibly even discover that you feel more comfortable in another community. Conversely, you might find that interests are less important to you than some other value - but again, you’re simply refining your priorities, not redefining them.

Doing anything long enough can feel monotonous, even dating. Taking proactive steps to combat the issue can help prevent burnout and jaded feelings and keep the process feeling fresh and fun. After all, when you do meet someone with whom you share a spark, whether through a serendipitous event or via an online site, you want to be able to appreciate and recognize it.

It can be tough to get back on the dating horse after a relationship tumble. For many, online dating is a way to ease back in slowly. Since you’re just perusing profiles, not approaching people in person, you can move at your own pace, without risk of rejection.

However, once you start to send first-contact emails, you’re back in the world of contact with humans once again. And while many still find online dating to be easier in terms of rejection, there’s a certain amount of “toughening up” you might want to prepare for.

Etiquette is slightly different on online dating websites. Whereas in person you’re expected to give a polite, thoughtful response no matter what your level of attraction, it’s not uncommon in online dating for your potential match to suddenly disappear or break off contact without warning. No, they probably haven’t been abducted by aliens or moved into Witness Protection - they’ve just decided they’re not interested. Once you’re used to this cultural difference, you’re not likely not going to spend much time wondering what happened - after all, you’d never even met in person - but it’s still a form of rejection, and it can still sting, especially the first time.

Online dating is still mostly anonymous, and some choose to take advantage of that by forgetting their manners. While downright abusive emails are not unheard of, they’re not exactly common. Still, it isn’t unusual to come across any number of lesser remarks that are loaded with “blunt honesty” - comments on appearance, age, interests, and more. Again, for many such comments “come with the territory” and are so much water off a duck’s back; why should you care about a cowardly boor on the internet? But if you’re new to online dating, or especially new to the internet, it can be a bit of a shock.

So as you prepare to plunge into the dating pool, ask yourself honestly: are you ready to face rejection, even if it’s in the form of no response? Are you ready to ignore emails that might be out of line, or will you be genuinely hurt by the slightest criticism? There’s no shame in understanding your own limits. Online dating is meant to be more efficient and easier; if it would only be harder for you, there’s nothing wrong with waiting or looking elsewhere. On the other hand, sometimes knowledge is all we need to toughen our armor; being aware of the less polite aspects of online dating might be all you need to be prepared.

“Love at first sight” is a phrase that is seen by most as cliched, or outdated. We roll our eyes when the concept comes up... at least in public. Yet, many still harbor hopes or even expectations of love at first sight - particularly when it comes to online dating.

Consider the “ideal” online dating fairy tale: someone signs up for an online dating site on a whim. They create a profile, start searching, and soon enough, they see it: the profile of their perfect match. They can already tell the match is perfect just from the profile alone - it somehow speaks to their very soul. They send off a first-contact email (or maybe they were even contacted by their perfect mate in the first place) and immediately head out on their first date, where their date is even better-looking in person. And they all lived happily ever after.

If online dating is the wave of the future, why do we cling to the same old fairy tales? If anything, the online dating version is even more outlandish than the original, because we’re falling in love with a profile first. Most “love at first sight” stories can really be called “mutual attraction at first sight that eventually developed into more,” and to be sure, chemistry is a mysterious and powerful thing. But expecting to identify chemistry from a profile is a slippery slope - and often how scams happen.

When we choose to pursue online dating, we have to remember that we’re signing up for: a more efficient way to meet new people in person. We’re not acquiring any magical powers or knowledge. Profiles allow us to get a vague idea of who we’ll be meeting - in many ways, better than taking a chance with someone we’ve met on the street or in a bar, because we have a preliminary stage in which we can weed out the most obvious red flags. We can also meet people outside our own limiting social circle.

But we’re still going to have to assess chemistry in person. We still have to ultimately rely on our own judgement, even if we were initially introduced by a computer algorithm. We have to listen to our instincts, and keep a cool enough head that we don’t get carried away by a promising profile and photo.

Even when we do experience attraction at first sight, only time will tell if love and trust will grow. The truth is, love is mysterious and exciting enough on its own, and online dating is an exciting alternative to the same old methods of meeting people. Relying on a tired old fairy tale to jazz it up will only lead us to the same old unrealistic expectations and frustrated disappointment.

A few months ago, Brandon, a newly single friend, came to my city to visit me. What made the largest impression on him wasn’t the architecture or the attractions the city had to offer; it was the women. “Whoa, maybe I should move here,” he said, eyeing a group who were walking past us. “The women seem much more beautiful here.”

In reality, the women here are likely not any more attractive than in Brandon’s city; he was simply seeing them from a different perspective. We were at a park, in the midst of a hot summer, surrounded by beachwear; not at Brandon’s local grocery store. It’s also worth mentioning that Brandon was just out of a long-term relationship; he was probably actively looking at women much more than he had in years. And there’s one element that can’t be underestimated; the women, the faces, were simply different from the ones he normally encounters.

For many, the grass is very often greener on the other side of the fence. Even if you’re surrounded by attractive people, they soon become familiar. And if you associate negative connotations with them, that familiarity can breed contempt.

For example: let’s say you belong to an online dating site, and have for some time. It started out well, but lately you’ve been in a dating desert: no one seems to reply to your first-contact emails, and no new faces seem to be signing up. The same old profiles seem to mock you.

Instead of toughing it out, pinning way too many hopes and expectations on any new profile you see, why not take a break and enjoy different scenery? It could mean trying a different site, or even doing something different in your everyday routine - going to that park instead of looking for love at the grocery store, for instance.

Sometimes the only thing that will get you out of a rut is time, but that doesn’t mean you have to sit there, watching the clock. Why not try something outside your personal box? The grass just might be greener on the other side of that fence.