Tips

Many singles get burned out on dating. If you’ve been out of a relationship for a while, it can be exhausting to go on an endless amount of first dates, join online dating site after online dating site, or even just drag yourself to another party that may or may not have any single people attending.

While I’m a huge advocate for putting yourself out there, taking advantage of opportunities (romance can come into your life when you least expect it), sometimes it’s more beneficial to take a time-out and regroup when you're feeling depleted.

In recent months, there has been an increasing interest in “unplugging.” We are constantly busy, always rushing to the next meeting, event, business trip, or date – so it’s hard to disconnect from our phones and our lives, even for a few minutes. The problem with all of this over-stimulation is that it burns us out. We put so much time and energy into our careers, social media presence, friends and family obligations that we often lose ourselves in the process. This doesn't make us very motivated to date.

How can you connect with anyone else if you have lost touch with yourself?

Instead of beating yourself up for not meeting anybody, or for letting your membership lapse on Match.com or eHarmony, remember we all need a break from time to time. Try these simple tips instead to help you regroup. Time-outs are good for all of us:

Pick a new hobby that makes you happy. Maybe you used to paint, or play volleyball, or were learning Italian before you got pulled into those daily obligations or got caught up in schedules and career. If there is a hobby outside of work and your family life that is all yours, then pursue it. We become the life we cultivate for ourselves, so make sure you incorporate joy into yours.

Meditate or do yoga. It’s important to embrace silence. We are surrounded by constant stimulus, so it is difficult sometimes to pull ourselves away from email, work, social media, or checking Tinder. But it’s vital. Take time to be quiet and strengthen your mind and body so you can be in a better place to connect with others when you go on your next date.

Find an exercise routine that invigorates you. Going to the gym is healthy but can get so boring! Get outside instead – go rock-climbing, biking, play volleyball, or take up a new sport that challenges you a little. An extra boost of energy and endorphins goes a long way.

Linger over dinner or brunch with friends. That’s right, no more scheduling meetings and appointments back-to-back on the weekends. Leave your afternoons free, enjoy spontaneous plans, and linger over that delicious meal with your friends. It will help you be more present and relaxed on your dates, too.

Dating is a numbers game, but what happens when you’re not 23 any longer – do the numbers start working against you?

No! The truth is, people are looking for partners of all ages. More than half the U.S. adult population is single, and many are baby boomers and Gen Xers looking to find love after a break-up or divorce, or want to get married for the first time. You are not alone.

The media would like us to think that young daters are the only ones out there who are actively dating and forming relationships, but that is far from the truth. Older daters are higher in number, but are slowly adapting to the technology available to them – specifically online and mobile dating. The stigma is gone for the most part, thanks to the ease, accessibility and popularity of mobile dating apps. How many 40-somethings do you know using Tinder? Probably more than you’d expect.

If you are over 40 and wondering how to approach this whole dating thing, here are some tips:

Try different sites and apps. Not everyone over age 40 should be on eHarmony. Not every guy should be on Tinder. Before you join, ask yourself what your goals are. Do you want to test the dating waters without getting serious? Do you want to get married? Or would you like to find a girlfriend/ boyfriend for companionship? Different sites and apps offer different experiences, so be sure to research first.

Be honest in your approach. So many women lie about their ages, and so many men lie about their height. They want to attract more people, but in the end when you are meeting dates in real life, they will be upset by the lie. Don’t start any relationship this way. The people who are right for you won’t let age or height be a factor, so don’t you either.

Let go of your baggage. There’s nothing more important than examining past relationships and seeing where we can get rid of old beliefs and thought patterns that aren’t serving us. Anger and fear are the two worst things to hang on to – for anyone. Go to counseling, talk with a friend, start a practice in yoga – do what it takes to help lift you beyond your current fear and anger, and into a place of greater peace before you date. It will be worth it.

Think about what you want in a relationship. It’s more important to understand how you want to feel in a relationship, rather than looking for a guy or girl who checks off those “boxes” – like being hot, or educated, or successful. These don’t matter nearly as much when you are in the relationship. Instead, think about the kind of person you’d like to spend time with.

Cultivate your own happiness and personal life. Do you enjoy travel, riding your bike, or cooking? Don’t wait for a partner to plan your next trip, or a cycling buddy before you research new biking trails, or a boyfriend before you start cooking elaborate 4-course meals. Do it for you! When you do things that make you happy, it puts you in a great headspace to attract others who are happy in their lives, too.

Online dating has been around for a while, but dating apps are a relatively new phenomenon and are soaring in popularity. And why wouldn’t they? Most of us have a phone with us at all times, and if you’re single, you’re probably more social than your married counterparts – which means you’re not sitting at home in front of your laptop. But does that mean the matches you get on Tinder are working out for you?

Dating apps are easy to use, the majority of them are free, and they provide instant access to available singles in your immediate area. What’s not to like? The ease and convenience of apps is not lost on some of the more traditional online dating sites, like Match.com, who offer their own apps. But sometimes it’s easier to scroll through the app than it is to actually meet someone new and start dating. So how do you move from texting to an actual date?

Following are 5 tips to help you get past the swipe left/right phase and to the in-person meet:

Try a new app. While everyone seems to be downloading Tinder (if only for the fun of scrolling through photos while you’re waiting in line or on a lunch break), it’s not the only dating app around. Some apps like Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel are geared towards the more serious dater, because they offer matches based on your Facebook network, rather than just random people who happen to be near you. Maybe it’s time to check out something new.

Don’t just scroll when you’re bored. Know what you want. What’s your goal in using a dating app? Are you just looking to hook up, or for something more substantial? This makes a huge difference in your experience. If you are looking for a relationship, you might get easily frustrated by Tinder. If so, decide to put time and effort into your search, and be a little more discerning about who you go out with. Don’t meet for last-minute drinks at 10:00.

Check in regularly. “You snooze, you lose” really applies to online dating. If you’re not checking in on a regular basis with your dating site or app, then likely you won’t get the results you want. Again, time and effort is key. You never know from day to day who your matches might bring, so set aside at least 30 minutes a day to check.

Update your photos and profile. Some dating apps have restrictions on the number of photos you can post, or they might just pull info from your Facebook page. If this is the case, be sure to change them out every few weeks. Depending on what you post, you could attract different types of people. Variety is key in dating.

Say “yes” more. Not sure about him/her? Say yes to a match. Start chatting and see what happens. Many times we bypass people unless something really captures our attention. But why? Dating is all about seeing what is possible. Say yes to more people and see your dating life change for the better.

It’s hard to imagine an Internet in which The Onion doesn’t exist. As far as satirical news is concerned, no one does it better. In a post from spring, The Onion took on online dating and…well…the results are exactly as hilarious as you'd expect them to be.

The Onion’s top tips for finding love online include:

• It’s important to choose an interesting profile picture that reflects the “real you” persona that you’ve cooked up, like a photo of you hiking or at a volunteer event.
• To stand out in a sea of suitors, include something in your profile completely unique to you, like your social security number and checking account information.
• Be willing to open yourself up to new experiences, like going on a series of terrible dates with men you despise.
• Personal details give potential dates a more accurate picture of who you are. Be specific in your profile by mentioning the exact episode and scene that made you give up on Lost.
• Humor is a huge asset in any dating profile. Be charmingly self-deprecating with lines like “I have a soft spot for reality television” and “I’m a bad listener because I’m wrapped up in my own childish self-obsession and do nothing to improve myself.”
• Remember to relax and have fun! Sometimes, the moment you stop worrying about finding that perfect match is the moment you’ll open your email and find an absolutely vulgar and disgusting email from a complete stranger.

So yes, they’re funny…but The Onion’s tips aren’t quite as useless as you think, as long as you’re willing to read between the lines. Look at it this way:

• Photos are a great way to show your personality without have to write about it, which can be tedious to do and boring to read. Choose photos that show you doing what you love, like playing an instrument, traveling the world, or attending a NASCAR race.
• Safety should be taken seriously. Don’t put any identifying information on profile. That includes everything from your phone number to your work address to, yes, your SSN and checking account info.
• Online dating doesn’t work unless you come to it with an open mind. Take a chance on someone who doesn’t immediately tick off every one of your boxes. You might be surprised.
• Including unique personal details is a great way to attract the attention of likeminded suitors. Not everyone will understand your Doctor Who reference if you’re a sci-fi fan, but the ones who do might be better matches for you.
• Humor is a huge asset in a dating profile…just make sure it’s actually funny.
• Remember to relax and have fun! Sometimes, the moment you stop worrying about finding that perfect match is the moment you’ll open your email…and actually find that perfect match.

See? The Onion’s dating advice isn’t nearly as useless as it should be.

If you’re a lucky online dater, you’ll be going on a lot of first dates.

If you’re an unlucky online dater, you’ll be going on a lot of first dates.

Online dating is pretty much the definition of "double-edged sword." On one hand, it's exciting to go on so many dates and meet so many new people. On the other hand, it's totally taxing trying to get to know that many strangers. And the worst part about it is answering the same tired get-to-know-you questions over and over again.

You could be on a date with someone who is perfect on paper (or is that “screen?”), but the second they open their mouth and one of these questions comes out, you know you’re headed straight for Boredomland:

• What do you do for a living? “What do you do for a living?” is the first offender you're likely to hear. It's not that it's wrong to want to know, because of course getting to know someone means understanding what they do in their professional life, it's just that it's incredibly dull. In this same vein are questions like “Where did you grow up?” and “Where did you go to school?” They're all generic queries that sound more like a job interview than scintillating first date conversation.
• What do you do for fun? Again, it's not that you wouldn’t want to know how your date enjoys spending their time, it's just not a very memorable or exciting question. Your job on a first date is to set yourself apart, not to sound exactly like every other snoozefest your date has had dinner with. Besides, what are the odds that their answer will actually give you serious additional insight into who they are as a person?
• Why are you single? Ouch. Why does anyone ever think this question is a good idea? There’s pretty much no way to answer without feeling like a total failure for one reason or another. Also steer clear of backhanded compliments like "I can't believe someone hasn't locked you down already!" Thanks. Guess it must be because something is totally wrong with me.
• What kind of guys/girls are you into? Awkward. Irrelevant. Pretty much destined to end in disaster. At the end of the day, a person's "type" doesn't matter at all – all that counts is that they’re attracted to you. And if you’re on a date together, it’s safe to say you already know the answer to that question.
• Why did your last relationship end? No. Just no.
• Where do you live? Do you live alone? This is the part of the night when you start worrying that your date is a serial killer. If you’re lucky, all they’re doing is calculating the likelihood that you'll hook up that night. If you're not so lucky, there is a dark alley and an ax in your future.

I often hear complaints from both sexes about online dating. Guys think that they have the harder time, because they have to pursue. A lot. Most of them assume women get too many emails and therefore never respond.

Women on the other hand, feel that they have it tougher. They think the guys send sexually aggressive emails, hoping to just see who’s down to hook up rather than go on an actual date. Most of the other guys are either mass-emailing women, or they just don’t know what to talk about and don’t even bother to engage with women outside of the standard phrase: “how was your day?”

Together, it makes online dating tough for both sexes.

I don’t think it’s a competition for who has it worst. I think that there is a lot of room for improvement on both sides. Instead of spending more time complaining about the opposite sex and their online dating strategies, try thinking about what you do personally – what do you say in your profile? What is it that you are actually looking for? How are you coming across to strangers?

When you focus on what you can control in online dating – you and your profile – then you can begin to make some changes and see what works and what doesn’t instead of just complaining. Here are some suggestions if you’re having trouble thinking of what to say in a first email, or if you’re not having much luck:

Guys:

Read her profile. Chances are, if she’s online dating she’s left you a lot of valuable information about what she likes in her profile. Start from there – send an email specifically about something in her profile so she sees that you read it, that your email is a bit more personal. It makes a good impression.

Put some time into it. Don’t just mass-email 100 women because you think only 5% will respond. That’s because they know you’ve just sent a mass email! Instead, pick the women you find most attractive and send them a personal message. It’s not about writing a novel, it’s about being less generic in your approach.

Ladies:

Answer more emails. Instead of just writing guys off (unless they are being inappropriate), try responding to more emails. Agree to meet more guys for coffee. There’s nothing wrong with deciding later whether you want to pursue him or not. Don’t discount him until you get to know him.

Be polite. There’s no need to write a nasty response or let your emails go unanswered if you feel he’s not exactly right. It’s very easy to say a quick “thanks, but no thanks.” After all, he took the time to write. So if he’s polite, he deserves a little respect in return.