Single

For the sixth year in a row, Match.com surveyed singles from across the United States to examine what it means to be single and looking for love in the 21st century. More than 5,500 were surveyed for the 2015 edition of the annual ‘Singles in America’ study. The report covers a wide range of topics, but two are especially hot: sex and exes.

The survey begins by comparing the two most talked-about generations. Match found that Boomers, despite being older, are hardly prudes. They’re 118% more likely to have a one-night stand on vacation and 53% more likely to have a threesome. Millennials, on the other hand, are 165% more likely to have filmed sex and 236% more likely to be completely drunk the first time they sleep with someone.

Singles In America goes on to present sex stats on a range of subjects:

• 44% of respondents lost their virginity by 18
• 75% had sex by 21
• 16% of women said they’re open to making a sex tape
• 24% of men admitted to having sex in public
• 55% of women have had multiple orgasms
• 3% of men never orgasm from sex
• 50% of singles have had 6 or fewer partners
• 47% of singles have had fewer than 15 partners
• 46% of singles have had a friends-with-benefits arrangement
• 25% of singles have turned a one-night stand into a relationship

What happens that those relationships don’t work out? Match.com also studied the behavior of exes in America. Unsurprisingly, sex was still a hot topic. Twenty-five percent of singles said they've hooked up with an ex, while 33% confessed to dreaming about doing it.

The biggest questions involved breakups and friendship. Forty-two percent of women said they would stay friends with an ex, but fifty percent of female respondents said they wouldn't be okay with a friend dating their ex-boyfriend. However, 25% of women and 50% of men said dating an ex’s friend is totally cool.

Your likelihood of scoring that date in the first place depends on the language you use in your profile. A ‘LOL’ or a ‘Haha’ boosts your odds of a date by 255% and your chances of hitting the sack by 39%. But the real winner of the language race? It’s 2015’s most trendy phrase: ‘Netflix and chill.’

Match.com found that the sneaky sex reference increases your odds by an astronomical 99%, a sizable advantage over some of the year’s other trendy terms. ‘Ghost’ bolstered your chances by 63% and ‘Bae’ by 64%, with ‘on fleek’ pulling up the rear at a disastrous -26%. Time to give your profile a linguistic spring cleaning. Read our review of Match.com for more information on the dating service which conducted this study.

There’s no doubt that Tinder has changed online dating. Instead of checking profiles on our laptops in the privacy of our homes, Tinder has turned swiping and judging potential dates into a game that people share openly. In fact, it’s become an addiction for some. Even when they meet a date they like, that they want to keep swiping and seeing who else is out there.

In fact, having so many choices has turned us into dating “robots,” according to one essay in The New Inquiry. That is, on Tinder, people mindlessly swipe. Perhaps they message a few people, or arrange to go out on a few dates, but the intention when using Tinder is not to focus on building a relationship, but on swiping. In fact, they argue that being on Tinder is promoting the idea of being “chill” and conveying to your dates that you have no expectations with a date leading to anything (even if you do).

In fact, being “chill” is such a prominent part of dating app culture, that people have essentially taught themselves that their feelings should be removed from the equation, in order to be open to even more opportunities. More is better, right? Online daters have become “emotionally disassociated,” as the authors of “Tinderization of Feeling” argue, simply because it’s so emotionally draining to look at so many photos, have so many options – because what happens if you make the wrong choice? What happens if you emotionally invest in a date only to have them reject you?

Today, rejection seems almost intolerable, though rejection historically has been a natural part of dating. But if you make the date feel more casual – i.e. a “hang” or just meeting someone for 20 minutes before you start swiping again – there's no real rejection. You will always be looking for the next, better option, instead of having regret over not dating someone. Because….what if there’s someone better?

The authors of The New Inquiry article argue the problem all comes down to having too many choices. They say: “Living with a sense of overwhelming choice means exerting an insane amount of emotional energy in making the most banal decisions.” People can barely make a decision about what to watch on Netflix, there are so many options…it’s no different with dating. So with Tinder, the swiping becomes a game, because we don’t leave any room for more complexity and the intricacies involved with getting to know someone and developing true feeling for them – we don’t know how to deal with a potential date beyond the yes/no initial factor.

So, swipe, message, meet, maybe sleep with, then move on becomes the norm.

But you can choose differently. You can have control over how you want to date by taking more time and getting to know your dates. By rejecting the yes/no one-second response time of Tinder in favor of a more considered approach. What if you took your time, and invested emotionally in the potential of one of your dates? What if you took a risk?

Love doesn't just happen without effort, without risk. If you want to keep swiping and dating, you'll probably end up in a series of unfulfilling, emotionless flings. But if you put yourself out there? The rewards and risks are much greater. But isn't that the point of love?

There is a better and more effective way to date. You just have to be willing to get past all the swiping and figure it out in person, on a real date. You have to be willing to risk rejection - real rejection - as well as love.

For more about this dating app, please read our review of Tinder.

Each year, the majority of break-ups happen just before the holidays. There are many people hurting right now over lost love, and wondering how to get over their pain.

The truth is, healing takes time and patience. There are no short cuts, as badly as we might want them. But if you allow yourself to go through the process of mourning and letting go, you can move on to healthier relationships. Many people get stuck in the grieving process, wanting to move on quickly by jumping from relationship to relationship or closing themselves off from emotional intimacy with a new person.

Don’t let this happen. There are ways to deal with a break-up that lead to a much healthier, happier you. Here are some steps to take to work through the pain:

Exercise, be active. Interestingly, moving our bodies physically can help us become emotionally unstuck, even if getting up from the couch is the last thing we want to do. When you are feeling sad and lethargic, try doing some yoga poses, going for a walk, or even jumping rope. Movement helps release endorphins, and helps lift depression.

Journal. So you’re not a writer – it doesn’t matter. Get your feelings out on the page. And don’t blog about it; treat yourself to an old-fashioned paper journal that you won’t be sharing with anyone else, so you can really lay out your pain, vulnerability, and relationship issues. There’s something healing about personal journaling when you are working through pain that helps clear things up.

Lean on friends/ family. There’s no shame in asking for help when you need it. Call up a friend to go for a walk with you, or a family member to cry it out. We’ve all been through heartache – and it helps to release with people you trust.

Meditate. Meditation isn’t just for Tibetan monks or hippie chicks in Santa Cruz. It’s become very popular lately for very good reason – it works. Meditation helps calm your mind so that emotions don’t take over – it helps you work through pain, release it, and create a more peaceful existence. If you’re not sure what to do, there are plenty of apps and online tutorials – try Deepak Chopra, Oprah.com, or the apps Headspace or Synchronicity, which provide short guided meditations.

Rediscover yourself. Have you been part of a couple so long you’ve lost track of what you really like? Are you looking for a new routine, a new hobby, or a change of scenery? Now is the time to explore. Clear the slate and start anew – whether that means redecorating your house, picking up a new hobby, visiting a new place, or cutting your hair and getting a fresh look. Trying new things opens up our world, and helps us find those things that make us happy. It’s a step in a new direction, towards a new life.

The New Year is here – and the majority of us seem motivated to make positive changes in our lives. In addition to healthy diets and exercise regimens, many people have also vowed to make changes to find love this year – whether it’s making more time to date, committing to finding a relationship, or even making an attitude adjustment.

So what has been holding you back from pursuing a long-term relationship? Do you find yourself getting frustrated from the online dating process? Do you feel that relationships don’t ever work out for you? Or are you just not meeting the right person?

With dating, we have to get clear about what we want before we can expect a relationship. And that means looking at our online dating profiles and making some changes. After all, it’s your marketing tool – your first introduction to potential dates and your chance to make a good first impression. So why not spend some time on it, so you can attract the kind of person you’d like to meet?

Following are some simple profile changes to make to get 2016 started on the right foot:

Change your photos. This is an easy and effective way to spruce things up in 2016. Look for photos that show your whole body as well as a headshot. Include shots of you doing yoga, surfing, hiking, playing guitar, or whatever else you like to do. People look through photos before reading profiles, so try to tell a story through yours.

Reconsider your handle. People do make snap judgments about handles. If you have a sexually suggestive one, get another – it’s a big turn-off for women. Or if it’s too generic, like John1987, opt instead for one that includes a hobby or favorite song, for instance. Get creative.

Pick a topic and get specific. Instead of including a laundry list of likes and dislikes in your description, try naming a specific thing and telling a story. For instance, if you like to travel, instead of just listing where you’ve been, think of a favorite trip and describe what it was like, or tell a funny story of something that happened to you. The goal is to get potential dates to message you, ask a question, start a conversation.

No generic phrases. Liking to “Netflix and chill” is not a good way to attract a potential relationship – nor is the fact that you are “looking for a partner in crime” or that you “love to laugh.” Doesn’t everyone love to laugh? What tells a story about you is what makes you laugh. Do you like comedy shows, or telling bad jokes, or is there a favorite Instagram feed that makes you giggle? Show that you have interests, where you like to go on the weekends, or the fact that waking up to Rihanna's music helps get you through the work day. Potential dates know that anyone can sit on the couch and watch TV, but they really want to know who you are and what sets you apart. Think of it this way: write phrases that can start conversations.

Everyone is caught up in the “new year, new you” excitement of January, so now is the perfect time to make positive changes for 2016.

For some people, that means eating healthy and going to the gym. For others, that means spending more time with family, picking up a new hobby, or finally asking for that raise. For you, it means dropping your bad dating habits for a more romance-filled 2016.

As you navigate the dating scene, you're bound to make mistakes along the way. Here are some of the biggest blunders that could be keeping you single:

1. Only looking in one place. If you've refused to try online dating, make 2016 the year you step out of your comfort zone. If you exclusively use online dating, get back to basics and experiment with traditional dating this year.
2. Cutting corners. Some dating services keep profiles minimal in favor of photos (ahem, Tinder), but if you're looking for more than a low-key hookup, the profile is important. Don't leave any sections blank, don't be vague, and don't rely on cliches to describe yourself. The profile is a vital part of finding a like-minded, compatible date.
3. Succumbing to FOMO. Fear Of Missing Out is a real phenomenon, and it's particularly destructive for online daters. With so many possible partners at your finger tips, it's easy to feel like your options are infinite. It's time for a reality check: if you're always waiting for something better to come along, you'll miss the good things right in front of you.
4. Doing too much. Learn to let go. If you don't get a response to your message, don't flood their inbox with 10 more messages (especially if those messages are berating them for not answering the first one). If they're busy but interested, they'll reply when they can. If they're just not into you, move on gracefully with your dignity intact.
5. Doing too little. Underwhelming can be just as damaging as overwhelming. A one-word message is never a good conversation starter. It's 2016, we shouldn't have to keep saying that.
6. Expecting immediate chemistry. There's nothing like that instant spark of attraction. Thanks to Disney movies and romance novels, we've come to expect it. In reality, instant attraction is not a reliable indicator of long-term compatibility (in fact, it can literally mess with your brain chemistry and judgment). Be open to the possibility of chemistry developing over time, or you might miss out on someone amazing.
7. Taking everything personally. It's hard not to take it personally when people are saying yea or nay to your profile, but you'll be a happier dater if you learn to let it go. Everyone isn't your cup of tea, you are not everyone's cup of tea, and that's a good thing. If someone isn't interested in you, all it means is that they're not interested in you. It doesn't mean you're undateable or unlovable. And remember, every “no” gets you closer to the “yes” you're looking for.

What other dating habits do you need to break in 2016?

Have you ever followed up with a date over text, the flirty banter going back and forth for a couple of weeks, when suddenly it tapers off? Or maybe he disappears altogether? Before you wonder what you might have done wrong, or what might have happened, it’s time to set the record straight about texting.

Texting is fun and flirtatious. It is a great, low-maintenance way to keep the fire burning if you and your date had some chemistry together. But many of us feel too comfortable behind the screen – to the point where it actually hinders real relationships, and interferes with our romantic life.

Texting is not a substitute for dating. We need that real in-person connection in order for something to grow. When you text or message someone, sharing flirty banter or even more personal thoughts, it feels like you are growing closer. But texting and messaging don’t help you develop a relationship – they create a false sense of connection. In fact, if texting is your barometer for how well your relationship is going, you’re going to be completely misled.

When someone really wants to pursue a relationship with you, they want to see you in person. They want to set up dates. Flirting over text might be part of the fun, but it is only part of it. If a man you are seeing is only communicating with you over text, no matter how charming he is, he isn’t really interested in pursuing a relationship. If he was, he would be asking you out.

You deserve a real-life relationship.

Consider the last relationship you had that was great over text, but fizzled out quickly. There could be any number of reasons this happened. Texting might be a fun way to pass the time for the object of your affection, or a distraction from thinking about an ex, or even a Plan B in case the other person he’s interested in doesn’t pan out. It can also be a quick ego boost. Whatever the case, it doesn’t make a difference. The fact is, there isn’t a chance for a real relationship to happen if your main interaction is through text.

Instead of relying on your texting chemistry after a good first meeting or date, it’s better to see what happens on a second date, or a third. Don’t just assume that texting will eventually get you to the place you want in a relationship. Let your dates know what you want. Ask him or her out. Don’t accept anything less than real-life interaction – there is no substitute. If someone keeps putting you off, claiming they are busy, or only texts you to hook up at the last-minute, move on. They aren’t the right relationship for you.