Single

According to Match’s Singles in America Study, most people are interested in long-term relationships, especially men. However, if you spend much time in the real world of online dating and dating apps, you see a different story unfold: most people are afraid to commit, less they lose their options for meeting other people.

It’s a double-edged sword: there are more options now thanks to apps like Tinder which have made meeting people online very easy, but there’s also the problem of choice as Aziz Ansari talks about in his book Modern Romance. When there are too many options, people tend to feel less satisfied with any one choice.

So what should daters do?

I read a Washington Post article recently penned by a single Mom, who used to find online dating a horrible, time-consuming experience. But since apps came into the picture and she’s able to swipe at any time, like say – between diaper changes or feedings, she finds it absolutely freeing. Dating apps have given her more confidence, because she knows that even when she has a bad date, she can always find someone else. At any time.

But for those of us who have experience looking for love for months or even years, you can start to feel a little bitter and exhausted from the process. After all, how many first dates can you go on before you feel like you’ve had the same conversations and met the same types over and over?

That’s why this summer I have a proposition: instead of looking for someone special, or jumping into a relationship too soon, or getting too excited about an online match before you’ve even met, try taking a step back. Swipe right on more profiles than you want. Try dating a range of people outside of a “type” you find most attractive.

And most importantly, date more than one person at a time. Really.

There’s no reason to continue with serial monogamy this summer, when you do have choices and you can explore your dating options a bit more than you have in the past. Instead of getting excited and let down, riding that roller coaster, try scheduling more dates and seeing all the people you can meet.

There’s no reason to fixate on one choice when you aren’t exclusive. Dating means exploring your options, testing the waters, and seeing who is out there. Plus, when you date outside your type, you are adding to your choices.

I’m not trying to stress out your already busy schedule, but why not take advantage of longer summer nights by keeping your options open? It can’t hurt. And you might have more fun when you don’t take things so seriously.

Tinder has been at the forefront of online dating industry growth, making it more accessible to more users than any other online dating platform. So it’s only natural that its accessibility extends to daters in the transgender community.

Transgender online daters don’t have many options when they go online to try and date, because most apps, including Tinder, only allow them to identify as male or female. In the next couple of months, Tinder has said they will be adding more gender identification choices along with more dating preferences.

Tinder is owned by Match Group, but it’s late to the party: other online dating platforms within Match Group, such as OkCupid, have already added more gender preferences to their platforms. In addition to “woman” and “man,” OkCupid’s gender options include “agender, adrogynous, bigender, cis man, cis woman, genderfluid, genderqueer, hijra, intersex, non-binary, other, pangender, transfeminine, transgender, transmasculine, transsexual, trans man, trans woman,” and “two-spirit,” as of November 2014.

Members of the LGBTQ community have pushed for this change in online dating, as they have felt excluded and left out of the conversation as more features are added and improvements made to the online dating experience – except when it comes to their needs and preferences.

Huffington Post Live’s Alex Berg reported deleting her online dating account, writing: “In the grand scheme of problems for LGBTQ people, the options of a dating website might seem like minutia ... [but] that recognition has the power to change the hearts and minds of those who would deny our rights in the physical world.”

It seems Tinder Founder and CEO Sean Rad agrees. “For a long time we haven’t done enough to give [transgender members] a good experience,” he said at the Code Conference in Rancho Palos Verdes, Calif. “It’s harder for them to get what they are looking for. We have to modify our experience to address that.”

Tinder is working on the changes with transgender activist Andrea James and GLAAD, as part of its promise to be more inclusive to its community of daters.

“One challenge we face at Tinder is making sure our tens of millions of users around the world have the same user experience. No matter who you are, no matter what you’re looking for, you should get quality matches through the Tinder experience,” the company said to Fortune Magazine. “There’s an important transgender (and gender nonconforming) community on Tinder who haven’t had that experience … yet.”

Much has been written about the May-December romance. We call women who date older men gold diggers. We call men who date younger women sugar daddies. And let’s not forget about the cougars and their cubs.

There’s something about an age gap that both fascinates and repels us. EliteSingles recently conducted a study to find out why, and found that many of our stereotypes are based in fact.

The dating site analyzed the upper and lower age search limits of more than 450,000 of its members for the answer a burning question: what age difference would you accept in your partner?

The stereotype of older men seeking increasingly younger partners proved true. Men aged 60-69 indicated, on average, a desired partner age of up to 11 years younger than themselves. And the other end of the spectrum? Brace yourself: the oldest they would accept is a partner just 1 year their senior.

It stings for older women, but before the mature ladies completely lose faith in humanity, younger men throw a twist into the story. Guys aged up to 30 prefer to date women who are older, rather than younger. Between the ages of 20-29, many men indicate a preference for a partner 3-6 years older than themselves. 

EliteSingles Partner Psychologist Sam Owen believes that ‘’the finding that men aged 20-29 prefer older women rather than the suspected ‘younger model’ is likely indicative of the change in gender roles in modern society towards more equality between the sexes. Young men nowadays probably also recognise that older women are adept at diligently juggling so many responsibilities (career, children, housekeeping, fitness, finances, socialising), which makes them intriguing and attractive and a more secure option.’’

Women may not be as keen on playing the cougar as men are on playing the cub, however. The data from female users suggests that women across the board prefer to be the younger half of a relationship. Women over the age of 50, for example, would ideally like a match who is 6 years older than their own age. And there’s little wiggle room in the other direction - anyone more than 5 years younger is deemed too young.

Younger women not only echo the sentiment, they amplify the interest in older men. For 20-29 year olds, the average age difference desired was up to 10 years, while women aged 30-39 sought a partner up to 8 years older. Women in their twenties weren’t interested in men more than 3 years their junior.

For more information on this dating service which conducted the study you can read our Elite Singles review.

The search for love sometimes feels like a roller coaster – exciting highs when you meet someone you click with, or lows when it doesn’t work out.

With online dating, the highs and lows can be much more intense because you are meeting more people than you would in normal, every day interactions. Online dating gives us a heightened sense of possibility, so we are constantly searching, interacting, assessing and then moving on. We get impatient and frustrated when we think it’s taking too long, or when we aren't meeting anyone who sparks chemistry in us. As I state in my book Date Expectations, we are moving on constantly, dating in quick succession and then throwing our hands up in frustration - a vicious cycle.

Instead of repeating this same non-productive cycle, it’s time to develop some online dating coping strategies. Following are some suggestions:

Don’t be reactive. It’s tempting (and easy) to go on a few bad or boring dates and complain to your friends, or delete those dating apps in frustration. Instead of reacting to circumstances, it’s important to take a step back, regroup, and try again with a fresh perspective. If you are really feeling down, take a break from dating and come back to it when you’re ready to connect again. Otherwise you’ll be spinning your wheels.

Resist making generalizations. You might have had several bad dates in a row, but that doesn’t mean all men or women are terrible. It’s important to look at the big picture. You have men or women in your own life who you love, admire and respect. They are out there – the key is to move past your bad experiences and still keep an open mind. Remember: you attract people with the same energy/ outlook that you have.

Be gentle with yourself and others. Sometimes we get lost in judgment – of ourselves, or our dates. Instead of looking for things that are wrong, or punishing ourselves for the mistakes we’ve made, it’s time to take a new approach. Mistakes show you that you can do things differently – they are a blessing. Take an evening off of judging your next date, or yourself, and see how you feel by the end of the night.

Spend time doing something you love. Everyone needs a recharge when they are dating. Spending free time doing something you love is a great coping mechanism, because it gives you a new outlook. It’s hard to cultivate joy and excitement for a date unless you do things that bring you joy and excitement.

Practice patience. Easier said than done, I know. But this is essential for dating. Without patience, you will find yourself settling for someone who’s not right for you, or giving up on relationships before you get to experience someone great. Take your time, trust in the process, and just breathe. When you slow down, step back, and take the pressure off of yourself and others, you’ll see there’s more room for fun, for connection. And possibly for love.

You turn to OkCupid for casual dating, Tinder for hookups, eHarmony for long-term love, and Ashley Madison for illicit extracurricular activity.

Or do you?

You may think you know which dating services are best for different kinds of relationships (and you’re probably very opinionated about it), but how do your favorites actually stack up when put to the test? A new survey by Consumers’ Research sought to find the dating app that is most likely to lead to a long-term relationship.

The educational organization looked at four popular online dating services for its research: Tinder, Match, eHarmony, and OkCupid. The two most popular options by far were Tinder and OkCupid, which comes as no surprise to anyone who reads the news. Consumers’ Research also found that tech savvy Millennials prefer to use multiple dating apps, instead of just one, to increase their odds of stumbling across someone special.

Well over half of the survey’s participants reported that they ended up in relationships for at least some period of time after using an online dating site or app. The question is, which service is most effective if you’re looking for a long-term relationship?

1. Match.com: The number one spot went to Match.com by a significant margin. Thirty-eight percent of users said they’d had a relationship that began on the site that lasted longer than a month. Thirty-three percent reported having relationships that lasted longer than six months. You can find our Match review here.
2. OkCupid: OkCupid landed in a respectable second place. Thirty-two percent of users had made it past the month mark with someone they’d met using the service. You can find our OkCupid review here.
3. eHarmony: Although they portray themselves as the go-to destination for serious relationships, eHarmony only secured third. Twenty-nine percent of users reported having a relationship of one month or more. eHarmony is the leader though with the most relationships formed by users of any dating service at 57%. You can find our eHarmony review here.
4. Tinder: In a confirmation of the prevailing sentiment, Tinder scored the lowest for those looking for a relationship that lasts. Only 13% reported relationships beyond the one month mark. You can find our Tinder review here.

The Consumers’ Research survey also examined online harassment. User experiences largely ran along gender lines, with around 57% of female respondents and only 21% of male respondents reporting experiencing harassment. The highest reports of harassment came from Tinder and OkCupid users at 39% and 38%, respectively.

Your best bet for avoiding the frogs and finding the princes (or princesses) is to be outgoing and proactive. The survey showed that while the majority of online daters average fewer than six new attempts to connect per day, those who send more messages end up in relationships more often. Increased interactions are linked with greater likelihood of winding up in relationships (of any length). Moral of the story? Get on Match and start messaging.

Believe the media hype about Tinder and you know it as the epicenter of youth hookup culture. The app is constantly plagued by accusations of promoting casual sex, but a recent survey from college jobs startup WayUp says the perception of Tinder could be a far cry from its reality.

The survey asked 200 college students about their dating habits. Seventy-three percent ranked Tinder as their favorite dating app, followed by Bumble at 13% and OkCupid at 10%. A lone student listed Facebook as her dating site of choice.

It’s not a surprise that college students show a strong preference for Tinder. They were amongst Tinder’s most active users when the app launched in 2012, and today Tinder says 50% of its users are in the college age group.

What’s more surprising is what they say they’re using it for. Twenty percent said they're looking for a hookup, 27% said they’re looking for a significant other, and the majority - at 53% - said they use dating apps to find friends.

So is that Tinder’s deep, dark secret? It’s not the sex-fueled free-for-all everyone thinks it is?

Both college students and researchers believe the survey isn’t an accurate reflection of the dating landscape. Sydney Mastandrea, a sophomore at University of Miami, told CNN Money, "I think people use [Tinder] for random hookups rather than [finding] friends — but say it's for 'friends' so they aren't judged."

Aditi Paul, a Ph.D. candidate researching online dating at Michigan State University, believes students don’t need an app to assist in finding friendships, as the college experiences provides a wealth of opportunities for social interaction.

Or perhaps students say “friendship” because they don’t actually know what they’re getting. Kathleen Bogle, professor and author of Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus, told Inside Higher Ed that the tendency for college students to use the term could come from their proclivity for unlabeled romantic interactions. Without a more formal term, they default to “friendship” to keep their options open.

“I don’t know that I believe that people are just trying to make friends via Tinder and have no other intentions beyond that,” Bogle said. “I think that’s just a sign of being open to whatever happens, happens.”

Rosette Pambakian, vice president of communications at Tinder, takes a more open-minded view of the application. In 2014, she told Elle, "The purpose was never just for dating, it was for social discovery in general ... The co-founders wanted to create a really efficient way to meet people around you who you probably would have never met before."

In the end, it doesn’t matter to Tinder. Whether college students are looking for friendships, hookups, or long-term love, they’re still using the app. For more on this service, you can read our review of Tinder