Tips

Everyone in online dating talks about how important the profile photo is. We try to act like looks don't matter as much as what's underneath – and although that's true in the long run, you're lying to yourself if you think looks don't matter at all. Picture yourself shopping. You don't purchase the products with subpar packaging; you go for the ones that look nice, regardless of which one is actually better.

Like it or not, we are all judging and being judged online. As you attempt to craft the perfect online dating profile, you'll be tempted to post the most exceptional pictures you can find. Competition is fierce on online dating sites, so the quickest road to standing out is looking the best you can, right?

Wrong, according to mathematician Hannah Fry. In a TED talk Fry discusses the mathematics of love and offers several tips for finding that special someone. Like most of life, love is full of patterns, she says. Mathematics can be used to study patterns, and therefore mathematics can give us insight into love.

“How attractive you are does not dictate how popular you are,” Fry explains. “And, actually, having people think that you're ugly can work to your advantage.” She shares a graph from OkCupid that plots measured attractiveness against messages received in the last month. Immediately it becomes clear that being considered highly attractive is not a guarantee you'll receive many messages.

What matters more, surprisingly, is that you divide opinion. To make sense of it, imagine being on the other end of things. In the first scenario, you're interested in someone and you suspect other people won't be very interested in them. This is a good situation, because it means less competition for you and more incentive to reach out.

If, on the other hand, you think the person you're into will be highly sought after, you may feel less motivated to contact them. The thought of so much competition – and a high likelihood of rejection – is a strong deterrent.

So, if you use a terrible photo, people will be put off. But, if you use a photo that's too attractive, people may feel like they don't have a chance with you. The best strategy, then, is to go for something in the middle ground. You want to be attractive without looking like you're out of reach.

Fry advises to embrace the things that make you different – whether it's a scar or a receding hairline – even if you think some people will find those qualities unattractive. The people who like you will like you anyway, and the people who don't weren't a match in the first place.

When we talk about dating, it's often referred to as a game. We even call some people “players.”

But as much fun as games are, it isn't the most effective metaphor for online dating. Real success comes when you put your power suit on (mentally) and treat online dating like a business. You are the product, and the best way to sell that product is to run a strong marketing campaign.

Think of your profile as a sales pitch. The right one will attract the target customer and motivate them to make a purchase. Here are a few tips for writing a profile like a marketing guru:

1. Define the product. You can't sell something if you don't understand what that something is in the first place. What's your story? What's your personal brand? What are your most marketable qualities? Choose a few and optimize your profile to highlight them.
2. Define your audience. Who are you marketing to? Somewhere in your head, you have a vision of the ideal partner. Make that vision as clear as possible, then write your profile in a way that's designed to attract their attention.
3. Write a catchy hook. Email marketing is all about the subject line. If it's lame, no one will open the email and the message inside will never be read. Many online dating profiles also have a tag line feature. Make sure it stands out from the crowd and piques the reader's curiosity.
4. Stay on top of the latest trends. Marketers know the times are always changing and their strategies must evolve with them. You, too, are always changing. Make sure you update your profile regularly so it always presents the most accurate picture of you possible.
5. Test. A marketing guru is constantly pouring over metrics and analytics because it's the only way to determine the success of a campaign. Take a look at who is messaging you. Is it the kind of person you want to attract? If not, switch up your strategy and try again.
6. Keep it professional. You won't see many marketing materials with mistakes (and if you do, someone's probably getting fired). Use your spell check. Avoid negative language. Don't sound desperate. Keep it short, sweet, simple, and to the point. Remove all opportunities for your audience to see you as anything less than a great investment.
7. Create a call to action. A business fails if it never makes a sale, so after you've shown a customer how amazing your product is, ask them to buy it. Prompt your audience to take the next step. Try adding a “You should message me if...” section to your profile, or ask an interesting question that prospective suitors can respond to in a message.

This isn't to say that dating is all work and no play. Of course it isn't, and thinking of yourself as a product isn't a healthy long-term mindset. Instead, find the happy balance between game and business. That's when you become a success story.

Like the ending of Dexter, everyone has strong opinions about online dating. It's divisive, to say the least. Even people who have never tried it themselves are full of advice on how online dating is done properly. It's easy to dismiss them, but even the so-called experts barely have a clue about what's going on.

The truth is, it's hard to know exactly what works – and why – when it comes to online dating. We're all looking for a formula, but that formula may not exist. Or it might be as simple as “If it's working for you, keep doing it. If it's not, stop.” It's not the most poetic thing to live by, but at least it's accurate.

Fortunately, researchers are working their hardest to come up with something better. Online dating services produce massive amounts of data, allowing researchers to study it for patterns and answers to our biggest questions.

In a new paper in Evidence-Based Medicine, Khalid S. Khan of Barts and the London School of Medicine and Sameer Chaudhry of the University of North Texas sought to develop an “evidence-based approach to online dating.” They reviewed 86 studies in search of insight into optimizing the online dating experience, and came up with a few interesting observations:

#1: Choose a screen name that begins with a letter towards the front of the alphabet. Khan and Chaudhry found that "A variety of measures of success [in the offline world] ... are correlated with names higher up in the alphabet." It's pretty simple when you think about it: "Screen names starting with a letter near the top of the alphabet are presented first" in search listings, making it easier for names beginning with later letters to "be lost in the bottom of the pile."

#2: Keep your writing simple. Your online dating profile is not the place for flowery language. "Simple language, not overcomplicated wording, is likely to result in significantly higher ratings of intelligence because people are naturally drawn to words that are easy to remember and pronounce," Khan and Chaudhry write. The easier you make it to process the info in your profile, the more likeable you are. Likeable text also creates the impression of physical attractiveness – more time spent reading your profile, particularly the headline message, increases exposure time to your primary photo and consequently increases interest in you.

#3: Aim for a 70:30 ratio of writing about yourself and writing about what you're looking for. For all but the most ardent narcissists, writing about yourself can feel awkward and uncomfortable, but it's ok to toss humility out the window a little bit. That being said, you should also spend time describing the kind of person you're hoping to meet. A profile that's only about you will attract far fewer responses than a combination of who you are and what you are looking for,” the researchers write.

Sam Yagan, the CEO of massive online dating biz Match Group (which owns Tinder and Match.com), and the cofounder of OkCupid, recently participated in a Reddit AMA to, um, interesting results.

The big thing making news is his answer to a query from Reddit user jairachi: “Being the CEO of a group that discernably specialises in finding love, have you personally used any of your services and subsequently found success?”

Yagan responded with the following bit of OkCupid trivia: “None of the four founders has ever been on an online date of any kind.”

It sounds scandalous, but before you make wisecracks about about Yagan's “ringing endorsement” of his services, read his explanation: “We were all dating our future wives when we started OkC. And before that, we were basically in college where online dating wasn't really pervasive.”

Yagan had a few other insights to add during his AMA. When asked if the free model of OkCupid attracts a different type of user than Match's subscription fee, Yagan said “Each dating product attracts a different user, and "freeness" is just one component (Tinder & OkC attract different users; Match and OurTime attract different users, etc.). So, yes, Match users and OkC users are different. I hate talking about "better quality" when referring to human beings, but it is true that people who pay for Match likely have higher intent than people on OkCupid or Tinder.”

Perhaps his most intriguing anwser came in response to the question “Is online dating 'good' for society? Why or why not, and what are the potential unintended consequences of this behavior?” Yagan thoughtfully replied that he believes dating apps make society better in three ways:

1. “Undoubtedly, greater choice leads to the selection of higher quality spouses.”
2. “Technology makes it easier to meet people who are less similar (farther away, different socioeconomic levels, different ethnicity, etc.).“
3. “The ease of getting back in the dating market makes empowers people in bad relationships to leave them, knowing that loneliness isn't the only alternative to their current situation.”

But it wasn't all smooth sailing for Sam. The Reddit community felt he left a few choice questions unanswered – naturally, the difficult or controversial ones – and was none too pleased about it.

Unfortunately, Yagan didn't respond to inquiries about spam emails, Facebook linking, and fake accounts. Fortunately, Reddit responded in its typically dry, hilarious style. “So, just like on Okcupid, you respond a couple times and disappear?” wrote user orangefolders.

“That's pretty much how those dating thing work, you only respond to those you want, and the moment it doesn't go your way, you stop responding altogether,” replied MonsterBlash.

There are some things in life it's ok to be afraid of. Jumping out of a plane? Terrifying. Knocking down a hornets' nest? Traumatic. Online dating? Not so much.

You've heard all the horror stories – from benign bad dates to to psycho stalkers and unscrupulous scammers – and it's easy to let them scare you off. But first, let's address one simple issue: all dating is terrifying. No matter what, it always feels at least a little unsettling to let a stranger into your life. Not to mention how frightening it is to think about the potential heartbreak that could be waiting at the end.

So let's start by agreeing that online dating isn't any scarier than offline dating. And then let's take things a step further: online dating may actually be less scary than offline dating.

Really? Yes, really. Here are a few reasons why:

1. Technology is actually helping to make dating safer. When it comes to privacy, “there's an app for that.” There's no need to give out your number to strangers if you don't want to, because more and more companies are popping up that facilitate calls between people without divulging phone numbers. Other companies offer disposable, temporary virtual numbers than can be used instead of your real phone number. Background checks are also becoming an increasingly popular service, both from 3^rd party providers and from some dating sites themselves.
2. Rejection is easier when you aren't face to face. Hearing no (or maybe nothing at all) is never fun, but it hurts a whole lot less when it's between you and a profile instead of you and a person. If you have a hard time opening up to someone or even speaking to someone in the first place because you fear the possibility of rejection, online dating can significantly ease the sting. Think of it as a buffer than softens blow, allowing you to take even greater risks. Because with great risk comes great reward, right?
3. You actually know when you're dating someone. The idea of clarity around dating went out the window when the 21^st century hit. These days no one seems to know if they're actually dating or just “hanging out.” Good luck establishing intimacy with someone when you don't even know who you are to each other. When you've met on an online dating site, however, there's no ambiguity. That first meeting is definitely a date.

Technology is making everything else easier, so it's no surprise it's making dating easier too. Not so scary after all, is it?

While some resolved to actually use their expensive gym memberships and others resolved to spend more time with family in 2015, you resolved to double down on your online dating efforts.

The key to keeping any resolution to is to be smart about setting your goals. Saying “I want to find love this year” sounds nice, but what does it really mean? What steps will you take to get there? It's unclear when a goal is so general.

Instead, you need to set specific goals by working backwards. If the ultimate aim is finding love, start planning the particular steps that are going to get you there. For instance, “Join an online dating site.” If you haven't done that yet, that's a simple first step that is specific (you could even mention the exact dating site), easy to take action on, and measurable (as in, you can tell when it's completed). The more your goals follow those parameters, the easier you will find it to reach them.

Let's talk about some of the goals you could set this year:

• Choose 3-5 first date spots. The first date is an intimidating experience no matter what, but picking a setting that's familiar can help reduce your anxiety. Have a few go-to spots in mind so you're always ready with a venue that's comforting and relaxing.
• Plan conversation starters. I'm not saying your whole interaction should be canned, but it doesn't hurt to have a few conversation starters for when things get awkward. OkCupid's research has found that the 3 best questions to determine long-term potential are: Do you like horror moves? Have you ever traveled around another country alone? Wouldn't it be fun to chuck it all and go live on a sailboat?
• Follow up like the adult you are. That means two things. First, follow up no more than 3 days after a date (but realistically, the 3 day rule is silly – why not day 1 or 2?). Second, if you're not interested in seeing your date again, inform them politely. Don't pull a childish disappearing act.
• Upload new pictures. How current are the photos on your online dating profile right now? If the newest picture is a year old, it's time for a refresh. Make sure you go for variety – a close-up, a full-body shot, and snaps that show a little more about who you are and what you're into.
• Reread your profile. Most people write it once and never think about it again. It's not the worst possible approach, if you put a lot of thought into it the first time around, but it's not the best either. You grow and change, and your profile should to. Read it through and make sure it reflects who you are now, in 2015.

What are your dating resolutions for 2015?