Communication

We all have social anxiety to some degree, but some people have an easier time walking up to total strangers and striking up a conversation. For others, the fear of rejection is so strong it prevents them from even saying hello to someone who catches their eye.

So what can you do about dating if you tend to be shy in social situations?

It’s not easy. But thanks to online dating, some of the initial barriers to conversation have been removed. Chatting with someone online can is easier than chatting with them in person – mostly because you have a little time to think about responses (and delete!), putting your most charming self forward from the start.

But if you find yourself at a bar, on a hike, or at Starbucks and someone you find attractive walks by, instead of looking down at your phone, it's good to muster the courage to say hello. There are a few things to keep in mind when you don't know how to approach someone in person.

Practice makes perfect. Don’t assume that you have to walk away with a phone number or else you’ve failed. The win is in the small steps taken and the effort made. If you have terrible anxiety about approaching a woman, try to strike up a conversation without a goal in mind. And if she isn’t interested? Just try again. Not everyone is going to be open, and you’re not going to be Casanova right off the bat. Give it time, and allow yourself to practice.

Don’t open with a pick-up line. Instead of putting this kind of pressure on yourself to “impress” her with your cheeky confidence, try instead to be more authentic. Compliment her on something unexpected (not her body or curves – but the details like her sense of style, or even her laugh). Aim to make her smile, not to get her number. If she thinks you’re just looking at her as a “score” you’ve already stopped the conversation.

Take your mask off. When you are genuinely being yourself, people connect with you because you are most confident as your true self, according to dating coach AJ Harbinger. If you are wearing the mask you think you should be wearing, then it’s harder for people to trust you. When it comes to connecting with women, they need to feel secure. They need to feel like they can trust what you say before they open themselves up to you. Be yourself.

Make her feel safe. Women like to flirt, but they don’t like to feel like prey. Instead of coming across as aggressive or overly flirtatious, try asking questions and getting a feel for who she is and what she likes. If you don’t know if you should try a line, then don’t! Instead, take a classy approach to allow her to trust you. Trust is the most important thing to gain before you can truly attract a woman. As dating coach Julie Spira advises, offer to pay for valet parking rather than just drinks. This will earn points, because you are showing her that you view her as a person, not as a conquest.

The debate about social media is nothing new.

Supporters say social networking sites allow us to stay more connected than ever before, no matter how many miles are in between. Detractors say all that connectedness is doing us harm – or, worse, isn't real connection at all.

Regardless of which side you fall on, we can all agree on one thing: social media makes dating even more confusing.

Gone are the days of anxiously waiting for the next chance to see your crush, or slowly revealing parts of your life as you get to know someone. We drive ourselves crazy monitoring every single update on our love interests' social media, and that isn't helping anyone.

For the sake of your sanity, you need to simplify. Avoid these 4 social media mistakes to streamline your love life.

1. Don't cyber stalk. It's hard not to do this, especially when you're online dating. In fact, a small amount of research might be a good thing for online daters – but only enough to confirm that you're talking to a real person who you feel safe meeting, and nothing more. There's no reason to go so far down the social media rabbit hole that you know the name of your date's high school girlfriend. If things go well, you'll find out everything you need or want to know organically.
2. Don't overshare. Social media is meant for communication, but that's no reason to unleash an explosive case of verbal diarrhea on your unsuspecting followers. You don't need to catalogue every up and down of your dating life. If you're happy, resist the urge to gush. If you're unhappy, resist the urge to write bitter missives condemning love. One day you may feel differently, and the old posts will be uncomfortable reminders of the past.
3. Don't follow in the first place. If the first two rules are too hard for you to follow, follow this one instead: no friending or following. When you're in the early stages of dating, social media is a minefield of potential disasters just waiting to explode. The easiest way to avoid the anxiety is not to add each other in the first place. Not that you can't ever do it, but it's best left for a time when the relationship feels more secure. Get to know each other in person, not through a screen.
4. Don't compare. Even if you're not in a relationship, social media rules apply. Research has found that negative emotional consequences arise from comparing yourself to others on social media. It's an incomplete picture – we only show our best and brightest moments online, meaning it's easy to assume our friends have perfect lives when reality could be much different. It's impossible to compare the surface portrayed by a social media profile to your fully three-dimensional life. Don't let it get you down if you're single and it seems like all your friends are ecstatically in love.

The bottom line is, social media is a great tool – as long as you stay aware of the added pressures it brings to the rest of your life.

In Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg’s new book Modern Romance, they discuss the disconnect of online dating in Japanese culture. Despite Japan’s adoption of and love for technology, single people still stigmatize online dating.

The reasons are part cultural and part historical. Japanese singles haven’t had a good experience with online dating, historically speaking. In the 1990’s when online dating first hit the singles scene, online dating companies had male members pay per message and also used their female employees as bait, posting their profiles on the dating sites to attract more male users. More recently, fake dating sites have been exposed, with companies using male employees to pose as girls on the sites and charging their male members to talk to them – (obviously, those members never get to the date).

It’s easy to see why Japanese singles are skeptical. But now dating apps have made things a little easier to verify. First, like most dating apps all over the world, users are verified through their Facebook profile, so it’s not easy to create fake accounts. And Japan is really embracing social media, especially after both LinkedIn and Facebook helped families find each other after the 2011 earthquake.

But another interesting trend is happening with Japanese online daters. The culture is rather conservative when it comes to dating – and guys don’t want to be thought of as players. Since dating apps have become synonymous with hook-ups, Japanese - and men especially - are weary to sign up for fearing like they will come across as insincere. So people aren’t really embracing online dating.

In fact, they aren’t dating much at all. Most Japanese singles are much more focused on work, which means working long hours and delaying starting a family. This is also taking a toll on their social lives. A 2014 survey by the Japan Family Planning Association found that 49% of all respondents had not had sex in the past month, and 18% of men said they had no interest in sex at all. On top of this, they face a serious population decline.  According to Business Insider, a 2012 report by Japan's National Institute of Population and Social Security Research shows the number of Japanese people will fall from 127 million to around 87 million by 2060.

Still not everyone is averse to online dating. The country has seen some interesting trends.

Selfies tend to be popular with online dating in most countries, but are looked upon as narcissistic in Japan. Even a photo showing an online dater by herself is frowned upon because Japanese tend to view this as self-centered. Most daters either post photos with a group of friends (so you can’t really identify the person you are meeting), or they post photos of their cats or random objects. One of the weirdest trends among online daters is posting photos of their rice cookers in their profiles, according to Modern Love.

There are definite cultural and practical barriers to get beyond when it comes to online dating in Japan. But as time goes on and it becomes more trust-worthy and mainstream, hopefully singles will embrace it.

Relationships can be difficult, because two people will not always be on the same page. You might fight or misunderstand each other from time to time. But sometimes, misunderstanding mixed with fear and insecurity can pave the way for feelings of jealousy to creep inside. And this is not a good thing.

Jealousy can wreak havoc in a relationship. It makes you fearful, questioning, insecure, and suspicious on a constant basis. It prevents you from truly letting go, having a good time, and letting your guard down. Instead, you’re preoccupied with thoughts like: “is he cheating on me?” or “who is she texting right now?”

Some jealous feelings are founded in experience. If your last couple of girlfriends cheated on you, there might be a reason to be suspicious of anyone new. But of course, protecting yourself from being hurt again by acting on your jealous feelings doesn’t serve you. In fact, it can damage an otherwise perfectly lovely relationship.

Instead of ruminating in your feelings of jealousy, no matter how real or “honest” those feelings seem, take a step back. Ask yourself: how is this jealousy serving my relationship? Is there a way I can look at things differently? Is there something I’m not seeing?

The purpose of this exercise is to take yourself out of the cycle of giving in to jealous feelings. They are rooted in fear. If you have to track your boyfriend’s phone or scroll through his messages when he’s in the bathroom because you’re afraid he’s cheating, do you think this is a healthy way to be in a relationship?

If you react to someone you love out of fear – even if it’s fear of losing the relationship – you won’t get the love and connection it is that you really want. You will only get a defensive response, no matter what the truth is.

Instead of acting out of fear, ask yourself where the jealousy comes from. Did your partner say or do something to hurt you in the past, that perhaps you haven’t fully addressed? Or are you acting out of fear of past hurts that he had nothing to do with? Or are you reacting to suspicions that you have of being unlovable – assuming that he must be looking for someone else because surely he wouldn’t love you?

All of these are reactions based in fear. Instead of giving in to your fears, try a different approach. Ask yourself where these feelings are really coming from. Tell yourself that you are enough. If you want a lasting, loving relationship, you have to love yourself first. Let your fear and jealousy go, and take things one day at a time if need be. See how your relationship can change with that one step.

Most of us are so addicted to our phones we carry them with us wherever we go.

But we’re all different in terms of how we use our phones. Some of us can’t wait to check into Facebook and Instagram. Others scroll endlessly through emails, trying to catch up on work. Still others blast off text messages or do Facetime with friends. And if you’re dating? Of course you’ll be swiping through your Tinder or Hinge accounts, just to see if anyone new and interesting pops up.

While most of us check our phones throughout the day, not all of us use it in the same way. Some of us can't resist looking through social media every ten minutes. Others will only look at texts or emails when we get a notice.

Think about how you use your phone. Do you message your matches as soon as you swipe right, or do you wait until you have some free time to start communicating? Do you prioritize answering your work emails before getting back to your upcoming date about where to meet? When you send a flirty text or “like” a date’s Instagram pic, are you insulted when you don’t get an immediate response?

Here’s what I’m getting at: Do you expect your dates to respond or interact in a certain way because that’s what you do?

When it comes to dating and communication, we often don’t realize that different people use technology in different ways. Some people don’t text back right away because they are at work or in the middle of a big project that demands their attention. Others feel uncomfortable with flirting/ sexting, and might decide to drop the conversation. Still others would rather check you out on social media before messaging you back.

Some people don’t want to text at all and prefer to talk on the phone, especially when they are getting to know someone. (Men by far outnumber women on this point, according to a 2011 Shape Magazine study on texting habits.) It’s hard to pick up on social cues over text, plus you can get a sense of the person’s energy and communication style when you actually talk to him.

Instead of judging your date’s texting etiquette or jumping to conclusions about how they feel or whether or not they are really busy, try a different approach. Take a step back and don’t look for that immediate response, or a response that suits your needs or mood. Instead, try giving the person a call or setting up a real in-person date so you can see their true communication style.

It’s very difficult to understand what someone else is thinking/ feeling/ doing when you communicate over smartphones, so try not to make this your main line of communication. While it’s fine to keep in touch, make sure that you actually talk to your dates, too. Though we often don’t want to believe this, texting relationships tend to fizzle out. So get to know your date in person, too.

Introverts are a complex mix of emotions – and usually “still waters run deep” is an apt way to describe their reluctance to engaging fully in social situations. It’s not that they are boring, or that they don’t care – but social situations give many introverts some anxiety. Most prefer quiet evenings, just the two of you, or maybe a small dinner with a couple of friends.

But what if you like to be social – to say yes to all the parties in your circle of friends, even those where you only know one or two people? Or what if you hate being the center of attention and rely on others to carry the conversation – including your equally introverted date? It could make for a lot of indecision and some long, uncomfortable pauses in conversation.

If you’re dating an introvert, it can be a difficult process to get to know him, but it can also be rewarding. Introverts might need some extra down time after a party, or they might need a few days by themselves instead of going on dates or dinners with friends. It is part of how they recharge. If you are an extrovert, you often recharge by being around other people – it is what energizes you. With introverts, they need solitude, quiet, and contemplation to recharge. Success with dating an introvert depends entirely on what each of you can balance to make sure you meet each other’s needs.

Here are a few tips:

Don’t feel bad about going out by yourself. Introverts don’t want to hold anyone back – they simply like time on their own to recharge. If you feel the need to socialize a few times a week, let your date know that she doesn’t have to feel obligated to join you. It will give both of you more energy when you reconnect.

Let your date know how you feel. Sometimes extroverts (and introverts) have difficulty sharing their feelings in a relationship. It’s good to remind yourself to acknowledge how you feel to your date – that she makes you happy, that she is smart, funny, or kind, that she is beautiful. This will help your date to open up more to you, as many introverts have a guard up when it comes to love.

Check in with her. You might think things are going so well when you have fun at a party or dinner with friends, but perhaps he spent most of the evening in a corner feeling awkward or depressed about how it’s more difficult for him. Or maybe he thinks you weren’t paying any attention to him. Instead of getting defensive, check in along the way at parties or when you’re in a group of people. You might think things are fine, but an introvert likes to know that you are paying attention.