Advice

The holiday season creates stress in even the most peaceful and together people among us. Not only do we put pressure on ourselves to find the perfect gifts and cook the perfect meals for friends and family – when we’re single, we also place unrealistic expectations on ourselves for where we should really be in our lives.

Instead of getting down on yourself about not being in a relationship or being a certain age and unattached – remember that the holiday season is actually a time for us to pause and remember what we DO have in our lives, rather than what we are lacking.

Following are 4 holiday dating myths we need to let go of:

I need to make excuses for why I’m single.

Despite Aunt Dora’s attempts to question your life choices or find out why exactly you’re still single, you do have control over the information you share. It’s nobody’s business who you are or aren’t dating unless you tell them. And there’s no shame in being single. Most people who question your status are insecure about being alone themselves, and are projecting their fears on to you. Don’t let them. Embrace the freedom you have, and let them see that you enjoy your life – with or without a partner.

The holidays measure the seriousness of your new relationship.

Have you just started dating? Are you worried about the etiquette of inviting him to your office holiday party, or if he’s going to invite you over for dinner with his family? Stop putting the pressure on yourself and your new relationship, and don’t use this time of year as a barometer to test your relationship. If you don’t feel comfortable meeting family or introducing him to your co-workers, let your date know that you want to take your time. There’s no rush just because it’s the holiday season. Go at your own pace, and allow yourselves time to get to know each other first.

I can’t buy a gift for someone I just started dating.

Gifts aren’t meant to be indications of how serious you are or how much you are willing to spend on your romantic interest – they are gestures. A thoughtful gesture can include a small gift like a cookbook of her favorite food or something you can do together – such as tickets to ice skate or check out a new art gallery. If you feel uncomfortable exchanging gifts, then let her know. Honesty is the best policy, so you don’t feel awkward if she gives you a gift.

The holidays are the worst time to be single.

Sometimes it can be hard when you visit well-meaning friends and relatives who ask about your single status, or when you go to office holiday parties alone. But the holidays are actually a great time to be single. There are so many gatherings where you’ll be meeting new people (no Tinder necessary), and you should accept as many invitations as you can. You never know when a friend could introduce you to someone you may just hit it off with, so it’s really okay to be single and put yourself out there.

Happy holidays!

When guys ask me for dating advice, it’s usually because they are frustrated and feel somewhat baffled by women. Most men are content to take a few rejections and move on (more so than women), but if a woman does something they don’t understand, if they are interested in her at all, they have to know:

What does she want? Or more interestingly: What did I do wrong?

This should be an eye-opener for women. Men are more aware of your actions, thoughts and feelings than they are given credit for. They are also more interested in what they can do better, how they can make you happy.

(An aside: Yes, men love making women happy. It’s what keeps them going in a relationship. We just have to let them know what we want.)

A man recently asked me about a woman he’s been dating for a few months. He just got out of a relationship, and she seems a bit standoff-ish, though he’s not sure why. She claims she’s interested in him, but then she pulls a disappearing act. She acts flirtatious and touches him one minute, and the next she pulls away or rebuffs him. He’s kept in a constant state of confusion, wondering what exactly she wants.

While I don’t know this woman and can’t speak for how she feels, I can address her actions and also how he can help himself in this situation. First, she might be a little skeptical of his intentions since he just got out of a serious relationship. In fact, he admitted he wasn’t sure how he felt about her.

When you don’t know how you feel about someone, you can’t expect her to love and be clear about her feelings for you, either.

This was tough for him to hear. After all, she was the one playing games and pulling the disappearing act. And it’s true: she wasn’t exactly giving the relationship her best effort, or maybe any effort at all. But neither was he.

Until you are clear on what you want from a relationship, don’t expect someone else to tell you. If you need time to assess how you feel, take your time. But allow your partner to take her time, too. Not everyone is certain about how they feel right away. And some people are more cautious with their hearts than others, because they don’t want to get hurt again.

If you are waiting for the other person to drive the relationship, you are letting them take control. It’s a partnership, not something to control. If you decide you want an exclusive relationship, let her know. Don't be afraid of having an intimate conversation about how you are feeling, or not feeling.

Let’s be honest, we all have our types when it comes to love. Maybe we’ve always been drawn to the dark-haired, tattooed, sexy-in-a-mysterious way kind of guy who makes us swoon when he smiles. Or maybe we go for the athletic type, with bulging muscles and a six-pack. Or maybe the geeky guy who is obsessed with the latest video game is the kind who rocks your world.

Whatever the case, you gravitate to those you find attractive. We are all guilty of this, including men. How many of our guy friends only go for women with a certain body type, hair color, or age?

Physical attraction is primal, and it’s a part of all of us. So of course it is a big part of dating. After all, you want a sexual relationship with someone you’re excited about, right? But what if going for your “type” isn’t serving you anymore? What if you are making assumptions about what might turn you on?

Here are four reasons you keep going for the same type:

It’s familiar. We like to keep doing what we know, because it makes us feel safe. This includes who we date. If you know what to expect when you date the same type of guy – whether you’re attracted to his physical body type, his ambition, his charm – you are essentially relegating yourself to the same role. Break out of this by dating someone different, who forces you to play a different role. Then you find out more about who you really want.

He reminds you of your ex. Are you still mourning over a break-up? If you keep looking for an ex replacement, you might want to take some time off and re-evaluate things. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break, so if you need time to heal so you can move on, take it.

You aren’t looking for a relationship, but a trophy or validation. If we feel we are lacking – physically, financially, emotionally, whatever – we tend to look for someone who has what we don’t. This works against you, because you’re not looking for a relationship so much as validation from others. Let go of trying to impress, and focus on what makes you happy instead.

You think this man will be different. I know many women who take on “projects” for relationships. That is, if a man meets some criteria but not all, these women feel that they can help “fix” them. These men just need a little help. This is a mistake. Nobody has control over another person, and this will only lead you both to an unhappy relationship. We must embrace each other for who we are, or we should move on.

Have the neighborhood children ever mistaken your home for a zoo?

A) Start charging for entry, because you might as well be making some cash off your tendency to horde animals.

B) Join a dating site designed for pet lovers, so that one day the human-animal balance in your household won’t be tipped quite so far in the animals’ favor.

There are dating sites based on religion, ethnicity, financial status, occupation, and political preferences, so it was really only a matter of time before someone created a dating site for you and your furry friends. The idea is exactly the same: by pairing people with shared interests, you increase the odds of emotional connection and lifestyle compatibility. Having a theme to your search can add a sense of purpose, and make that haystack you’re looking for a needle in more relevant and more appealing.

It also makes for an easy icebreaker. Bring your adorable pooch on your first date, and you’ve already got a built-in conversation starter to get things going. Date doesn’t love your pet as much as you do? Then there’s a good chance they won’t be a good fit for your life, and you’re better off knowing that sooner rather than later.

Still, not all dating experts are on board with the idea of puppy love that involves actual puppies. “When you consider how challenging it already is to find someone who offers what you are seeking in a romantic partner, and who seeks what you are offering, and where there is also mutual chemistry, and the timing is right … you have to wonder who in their right mind would want to make it even more challenging by insisting on canine chemistry,” says Trish McDermott, who spent 10 years as the dating expert and spokeswoman for Match.com.

If you’re in the camp that thinks it’s hard enough to begin a new romance without the added pressure of using your pooch to assess compatibility, stick to traditional dating sites. But if you’re the “Love me, love my dog” type, there are plenty of dating sites available to match you and Fido with someone who will fall in love with you both.

PetsDating is one of the biggest dating sites designed for you and your pet. There’s also DateMyPet.com, YouMustLoveDogsDating.com, PetPeopleMeet.com, MatchmakerPet.com, and the bluntly named LoveMeLoveMyPets.

Long walks in the (dog) park are only a click away.

Dating is a mystery, even for those who have been doing it for a while. Men and women misunderstand each other all the time when they are in relationships, so it’s only natural that communication problems would occur while you are just getting to know each other. Even before the first date!

Texting is a great tool to help us keep in touch, but it’s also created a whole new level of second-guessing and misunderstanding when it comes to dating. How many times have you stared at a text, trying to interpret it – even if it’s only “hey, what’s up?” We might think – is he asking me because he wants to see if I’m busy, or is he just being casual and reaching out to say hello? Then we might wonder: when should I text him back? Should I wait another five minutes, another hour, another day??

We drive ourselves nuts sometimes trying to figure out what’s going on in someone else’s head. But the truth is very simple: we don’t know. We can’t make assumptions. But we should also listen to our intuitions. If we find ourselves wondering too much about his motivations but afraid to ask, we should probably take that as a hint that you're not on the same page romantically speaking.

Following are some typical texts that men send, and what they really mean:

Hey, want to meet for a drink in an hour? [It’s 9:00pm.]

We might think he’s interested in us after all, but chances are, he’s not looking for anything serious and is seeing what you might be up for. Know what you want before agreeing or getting excited about seeing him again - the ball is in your court, so don't settle for less than the relationship you want.

It’s been fun hanging out, but I’m really busy right now with work. Maybe I’ll call you when I’m back in a couple of weeks.

Translation: I’m not really interested, but if I haven’t met anyone else I find attractive in the next two weeks I want to leave my options open. Time to date other people.

I don’t know…where do you want to go tonight?

This might be frustrating if you feel you are always planning the dates, but probably the guy hasn’t put much thought into where to go or what to do. He might spend a few minutes on Yelp before the date, or he might just want you to pick a place because he doesn’t want to take you somewhere you’ll hate. If you feel strongly about planning, then pick the place. If not, just leave it open and see what happens.

I had a nice time with you tonight.

This is a good thing – even if he doesn’t make plans right away for a second date, he’s letting you know he had a good time. Don’t get anxious about the timing, just let him know you had a good time, too. Then if you’re feeling motivated, ask him out instead of waiting for him to make the next move. It’s liberating.

We all set goals and make plans in our lives. After all, without a plan in place, it would be difficult to accomplish anything! But sometimes our planning and control mechanisms go into overdrive. For instance, maybe you try to predict others' reactions to your news about starting your own business and plan what you say or do in response – before they’ve even said a word! Or maybe you think of everything that could possibly go wrong so you can feel more prepared. Or perhaps you have a set time schedule – whether it’s how many errands you can run in an hour, or your plan to get your MBA by age 25 while working at your full-time demanding job.

And chances are, things didn’t quite go as planned. People can be unpredictable in their reactions. Ordinary plans get hijacked by extenuating circumstances, like traffic jams that hold us up. Or our job takes us to a new city, and our good intentions for school get put on hold.

When you’re planning out your life, to accomplish everything by a certain age, you can expect that life probably has other plans for you. Life will interfere. And the beauty is, that is okay. It is supposed to be that way.

As cheesy as it sounds, life is a mystery. We don’t know how long we will live, what experiences we will have that affect us profoundly, who we meet that will forever impact our lives. And isn’t that a good thing, to be surprised by life’s beautiful moments?

We should feel just as inspired by life’s unexpected challenges. When things don’t go as planned – when your new business can’t get off the ground, when you don’t seem to be meeting the right man, or when your MBA gets sidelined by your job transfer to Hong Kong – there is a purpose. These challenges show you that it is okay to let go.

Letting go of expectations and timelines that are beyond our control is liberating. It helps us to stop for a moment, take a look around, and really see what other opportunities life has in store.

Would you rather go through life knowing exactly what to expect, who you’ll meet, and what you will be doing each day? I wouldn’t. The most beautiful moments in my life were the ones that weren’t at all planned, that just happened because I got held up or diverted from my own plan, and ended up doing something else.

I got let go from a job, which led me to three jobs I hated, but also allowed me to meet my dearest friends to this day. I would never have met them had I not been floating from one job to the next, uncertain of what to do. I also wouldn’t have gotten an opportunity to develop my writing skills as I did when I was in-between jobs. I discovered a new love.

Once on a road trip with my boyfriend, we got lost when we missed an exit and ended up in a small town on the Oregon Coast where there were only two small motels. There was also a cyclist convention, and hundreds of people traveling through. It was late at night, and I felt defeated, wondering where we would stay. We were both too tired to continue driving to the next small town, so we took our chances and stopped by one of the motels off the highway. As it turned out, someone had just canceled their beachfront room at the motel across the street, so we not only got to take in a gorgeous moonlit night from our window, but we discovered the sheer beauty of something as simple as getting lost in order to reconnect with each other.

That’s something you can’t plan.