Advice

A girl I know, “Kelly,” just went on a first date with someone she met on an online dating site. To put it simply, sparks did not fly. He “teased” her and it hit a sore spot; she thought he was maybe a little too obsessive about his interests; and he was clearly more interested in her than she was in him. So, naturally, at the end of the date she agreed to a second one.

Wait, what?

Why did Kelly agree to a second date? She doesn't know. She didn't want to be “mean.” She doesn't think it's actually worth pursuing; she doesn't think the first date suffered from standard first-meeting awkwardness. She really thinks they're incompatible. And yet, she's going to (presumably) go through it all again on a second date – because she doesn't want to be “mean.”

Let me make this perfectly clear: prolonging a relationship when one or both parties is not feeling it is not being nice. Quite the opposite.

Kelly knows this guy is into her; now, if she breaks it off after the second date, he'll wonder what he did wrong. After all, he was the same guy on their first date, and that went fine.

See, no one enjoys breaking a relationship off, even if it hasn't even begun. Contrary to what TV and movies will have you believe, turning down an offer for a even a first date is often painful for both parties. No one wants to be the bad guy.

However, in Kelly's case, she'll have to be the bad guy sooner or later. And later, there will probably be more hurt feelings than if she had declined to meet again after one meeting.

As you go out on your first dates, assess the situation. Sure, there's nothing wrong with having a second date if you feel the first one was too short or busy to really allow you to make up your mind. But if you know for sure that you're not interested, be strong for the sake of you both, and be willing to be the bad guy. It might not be fun, but it's the decent thing to do. Besides, by wasting time on empty dates, you're hindering the both of you from finding true matches. In the long run, it's what's best for you both.

One of the biggest advantages of online dating is its ability to connect compatible people regardless of their location. Perhaps your future partner lives in a neighboring city, a different state, or a country halfway across the world - no matter where your relationship destiny wishes to take you, online dating can get you there.

Unfortunately, one of the biggest drawbacks of online dating is - you guessed it! - its ability to connect compatible people regardless of their location. What happens if you meet your perfect match online and they live thousands of miles away? Do you pass up on the opportunity to connect with Mr. or Ms. Right because maintaining a relationship seems too complicated, or do you take a chance on love and enter the complex and puzzling world of long distance relationships?

Sustaining a long distance relationship might seem impossible but, although this kind of relationship does present a few hurdles that more traditional relationships do not, having a flourishing long distance love life is not an unachievable goal. How do you do it? Like this:

• Ensure that all parties involved are on the same page. This is the most important rule of long distance relationships. Establish, as soon as possible, the parameters and goals that govern your relationship. Is it monogamous or open? What terms are you using to describe the relationship ("Lovers?" "Partners?" "Boyfriend/Girlfriend?")? Where do you see the relationship going? Are you willing to relocate if things become more serious? Discussing important questions like these might be uncomfortable, but they can prevent painful misunderstandings later on.

• Indulge in common interests and activities, even when you are apart. Defy the distance by doing things together no matter how many miles separate you. Bonding over weekly phone calls and three-times-daily emails will feel monotonous and repetitive after a while, so integrating other forms of interaction is a necessary step towards sustaining a healthy long distance connection. Read the same book and discuss it. Watch the same movie or TV show simultaneously. Listen to an album together.

• Give each other mementoes. Send letters, share photos, exchange small tokens of your affection, and surprise each other with packages of personal objects. Every time your paramour sees something you sent them, they will be reminded of you, and will feel all the positive emotions that come with being in your presence.

• Share responsibility for the success of your relationship. A one-sided relationship - long distance or not - is guaranteed to fail. Do not expect that your partner will always send the first email, initiate phone conversations, or offer to travel to you. Likewise, you should consider it a sign that someone is not as committed to a relationship as you are if they expect you to bear the burden of maintaining the relationship.

If you're still skeptical about entering a long distance relationship, consider this: only some long distance relationships lead to heartache, but passing up on the chance to be happy with someone because you're afraid of physical separation leads to heartache every time. As long as both partners are dedicated, a long distance relationship is completely feasible.

I'm a Libra and have tended to be a people-pleaser, especially when it comes to romance. When I went on a date and didn't feel the chemistry was there, I didn't want to let him know. I couldn't be direct about how I was feeling because I didn't want him to be upset with me, or feel like the date was a waste of time. If he asked me out again, I tended to say yes and then cancel. I would avoid emails, thinking eventually he'd get the picture.

Of course, this method was all wrong. And it screwed up my dating life. I spent most of my time and energy in avoidance.

In fact, many times the same thing happened to me in reverse. The men in my life would seem interested in me and then not call. I would make excuses for them or come up with stories to explain their sudden disappearance. In reality, they just weren't interested. But I would have liked to know how they felt, even if it meant being hurt for a little while. It beat wondering what I was doing wrong.

I discovered that in my case, honesty was the best policy. Instead of trying to be nice and letting my date down easy if I wasn't interested in seeing him again, or worse, avoiding him altogether, I learned that saying what I felt was far more important than preserving a man's feelings. Since I would rather know the truth, wouldn't they feel the same?

I'm not advocating being rude when I use the word "direct". Rather, I believe that if you are afraid of hurting a man's feelings by turning him down, you aren't doing him or yourself any favors. Instead of finding excuses like being busy with work or traveling, let him know that you feel the chemistry isn't there. This allows you both to move on, without all the confusion.

We often talk about the dos and don'ts of online profile picture-taking. However, one thing manages to slip by: the sheer number of pictures involved. Can there be too many? What about too few?

Picture this: you're looking at a profile and it seems pretty appealing. You wonder, though, if maybe the profile is too appealing – is it one of those vague ones designed to hook anyone? To get more of a personality flavor, you check out the additional pictures of Vague Profile Person – who, based on their default picture, does look pretty hot.

...And you find out that the default picture is the only one there! Immediately red flags are raised. Could this default picture be some random image taken from the internet? Is there some unsuspecting hot victim out there who has no idea their sweet visage is being used to lure additional suckers? In short, is this a scam?

Now, it might not be a scam at all. It might be that the person who wrote the profile is a perfectionist, and they only had one picture that they deemed decent. And that's not a bad ethic to have, but sometimes too little information can be suspicious. Besides, sometimes pictures that aren't necessarily the best from an aesthetic standpoint can be gold in terms of what they say about you – the picture where you have a funny face because you're giving a belly laugh, or hanging upside-down on a jungle gym. If you're a perfectionist, consider allowing a little imperfection to shine through.

Then, however, there are people who go too far in the other direction. We've all seen one; the person is seemingly using their profile as a place to dump all their photos. We get twenty pictures of one night on the town, some “art” photos of a fly on the lid of a trashcan, and one sideways shot of the photographer's shoes when they forgot the camera was on. Excess in anything is not good.

So, what's the magic golden number? There's no perfect answer, but I'd say between three and ten varied, interesting shots is a good place to start. Your pictures can say as much about you as your profile does; don't let your quest for the perfect picture keep your true self from shining through.

When we talk about taking a good default picture for your online dating profile, it's easy to pick on the men. After all, not all men like to smile in pictures. They're more likely to get that intimidating mugshot look going on. The difference between a good and a bad picture can mean the difference between looking approachable and looking downright scary.

However, women are not immune from picture problems. In fact, they often do many of the same things. The major difference lies in how we, the viewers, interpret them.

For example, men and women have the same problem when they try to take a “serious” picture: they don't aim for thoughtful, or studious, or reflective. Instead, they wipe all traces of expression from their face and snap away. And they think this makes a good “serious” picture. In men, that's when you get the scary mugshot face. In women, it tends to get interpreted as “creepy” or “deadeye.” Women do this less than men, but there's still quite a few out there, believe me.

Women are more likely to combine the “deadeye” look with the “cleavage” look, which is why we're less likely to think “mugshot” when we see it. It's easy to see where the woman is coming from; she notices that sexy photos don't often have women giving big toothy grins, so she thinks a more serious face will be more enticing. However, again, there's no expression going on at all. She might still get emails due to the cleavage factor, but honestly, if someone looks only at the cleavage and doesn't care what messages the face is sending at all, you have to wonder if it's the type of person you want to meet.

It's possible for both men and women to take interesting pictures that don't involve baring all the pearly whites; however, your face still has to have an emotion. In your next photo session, try thinking about a funny joke while trying to keep a straight face. If you're going for pensive, try thinking about... anything. Even if it feels like your face hasn't changed, there are minuscule muscle changes going on there that add up to the big picture. Now that digital cameras are more common, it's easier to experiment and see what works for you.

Remember, you don't want to be known as Mugshot Sally or Steve! Take another look at your own default picture: are you sending the right message?

Do you remember what it felt like to learn to ride a bike? Not what it's like to ride one now, but the first few times – the awkwardness, the lack of balance. When others hopped on and took off it looked easy, but for you it was like you had to tell your body to do something utterly foreign; each step of the process had to be thought through, and it didn't always feel natural.

Then, of course, one day it clicked. You got on the bike and it didn't feel like you had to remember every little step anymore; you fixed your eyes on a point in the distance and just left. You were one of the people who made it look so easy, and soon the difficulty of learning faded from your mind. Instead of Learning to Ride a Bike, the Challenge, it was Bike Riding: A Skill You'll Never Forget.

For some people, dating is like learning to ride a bike: it's hard. It can feel awkward and unnatural. Every step has to be carefully analyzed. And it's frustrating, seeing others for whom it appears to be the easiest thing in the world.

But there's a light at the end of the tunnel; at some point, something just clicks. Like any other skill, those required in dating – small talk, overcoming shyness, etc – can be learned. Soon you move up the ladder to more advanced challenges: maintaining a long-term relationship, for example. Meeting people or going on a first date becomes easy.

However, like bike-riding, there's only one way you can acquire this skill: practice. Sometimes it means falling over; sometimes you might get scraped knees. Maybe it takes more than one person offering advice, because there's someone out there who will describe what you need to do in just the right way. But don't lose heart; one way or another, you'll get the hang of it. Before you know it, you'll be flying down the block.