Advice

So you're back in the game. Whether you're freshly out of a relationship or hitting the field after a stretch on the sidelines, retuning to the dating world can be overwhelming.

Not only will you feel like you've forgotten how to socialize, you'll be confronted with fancy new tech “the kids” are into that you don't understand. What is that “swipe right” nonsense, anyway? Back in your day, phones were only good for making calls and serving as paper weights.

It's time for an online dating crash course. Here's what the newly single need to know:

1. Don't be obsessed. You're back on the market! You're looking forward to meeting new people! It's exciting! But don't let that excitement turn into obsession. Check your account once or twice a day. Logging in 10 times a day is not a good look, nor is responding to a message immediately after you get it. Slow your roll and play it cool.
2. Toss expectations out the window. The person you're looking for could totally be out there, but you're probably going to meet a lot of not-that-person first. Don't be discouraged if you don't find the love of your life right away. Even people who seem perfect on paper (er...screen) may fall short when you meet them in person. Just chalk it up to experience and move on.
3. Don't become penpals. Message chemistry and face-to-face chemistry aren't always the same thing. Some people have good message game but can't translate that connection into real-life conversation. The sooner you meet someone in person, the sooner you'll know whether you're actually compatible. Don't get sucked into a long exchange of messages before setting up the first date.
4. Choose the first date wisely. No dinner. No movie. No long walk on the beach. No nothing that requires a serious investment of time or energy. Save that for the second date after the first date goes well. If you're meeting for the first time, stick with coffee, a drink, or something else similarly short-lived. If there's no click, you want to be able to end the date. Imagine how awkward it would be to sit through a 4-course meal with someone you have nothing in common with.
5. If it's not working out, be honest. You don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. That's nice of you, but that doesn't mean you should bail on dates with excuses about a friend emergency or your oven being left on. Your fib is almost always transparent, and your date will probably feel even worse. Be kind but honest: “It was nice to meet you, but I'm not feeling this.” You'll find that, in the long run, honesty is less awkward and more empowering.
6. Remember that most first dates will also be last dates. That's ok. We date to find out more about what we want and need in a partner. Those lessons are important. Every date you go on gets you closer to the person you actually want to be with. If you're not into a date, or they're not into you, say thank you and move on with your confidence intact.

And last but not least, have fun with this. If you’re not enjoying it, what’s the point?

A recent article in The Daily Beast brought up a question that has floated around the online dating community for a while – that is, how do you handle seeing someone you know on an online dating site or app?

For example, have you ever been matched with a co-worker on OkCupid? Or with an ex boyfriend on Hinge? Or with your engaged friend on Grindr? Or even your sister on Tinder? (Yes, this has happened to a few daters.)

Many people have experienced this strange mingling of their real lives and their online dating personas, but have different emotional reactions. While some might be mortified to be matched with a client or co-worker, others take it in stride as part of the online dating experience. Chances are, you are eventually going to run into someone you know if you swipe long enough. So the question becomes: how do you handle it?

In the case of being matched in a potentially awkward situation (say, with your co-worker), would you swipe right out of acknowledgment that you know each other (and the other person has probably already seen your profile on the dating app)? Does this send a confusing signal since you aren't interested? Or would you swipe left and hope that neither one of you brings it up at the next staff meeting?

While online dating might seem like meeting endless random strangers, it really is a lot closer to your existing circles than you might suppose. In the case of co-workers, it might be a good idea to decide what makes you more comfortable – having a good laugh about matching with each other at the next staff meeting, or swiping left and pretending you never saw each other on Tinder in the first place.

Dating apps are making it easier to reject potential matches without the other person knowing if you’ve even seen their profile. If you swipe left, the other person isn’t alerted – they just won’t be able to view your profile. The potentially awkward situation results from that person swiping right before you have had a chance to swipe left.

Some dating apps are addressing this problem by allowing users to filter out people they know in advance of being matched. OkCupid is rolling out some new features by the summer, one of which allows users to hide their profile by default, only to be seen by someone they actively “like” or message. OkCupid users will also have the option of using a Facebook account to block any of their friends that are also on OkCupid.

But does the real problem lie in potentially being matched with a client or your ex, or is it that people you know can see that you are single and looking for someone online? As far as we’ve come with accepting online dating, people can’t seem to get past its stigma. Maybe it’s time we all agree that our world is getting smaller with technology, and now is the time to accept our connectedness. After all, maybe your co-worker is a good match.

Read our Tinder review for more information on this popular dating app.

For five years, Match.com has graced us with America’s most comprehensive study on singles. For this year's Singles In America study, Match surveyed over 5,600 singles of all ages, ethnicities, incomes and walks of life. Naturally, the impact of technology on our dating habits was a major topic of discussion this year.

60% of singles spend at least 1 hour a day on social media. 39% of singles’ daily conversations happen digitally. Now that we're more connected than ever, our online activity has a greater impact on our love lives than ever before. And that means some serious etiquette issues. Let's talk do's and don'ts.

Single men have the following advice for single ladies:

• DO: send photos, send sexy texts, use emoticons, check your spelling and grammar
• DON'T: text more than once before a reply, text during work hours, use netspeak (OMG, LOL, etc), use ALL CAPS

Single ladies have this advice for single men:

• DO: send photos, use emoticons, text netspeak, check your spelling and grammar
• DON'T: send sexy photos, text more than once before a reply, send sexy texts, ask too many personal questions

Unsurprisingly, selfies were huge this year. Women take slightly more, but not by much. Reasons for taking a selfie range from “to capture a moment” (65%), to “to show off where they're at/what they're doing (41%), to “to show off a good hair day or outfit (31%). A majority of people think the most attractive selfies are natural and unenhanced.

On Instagram, single women favor certain kinds of photos. Funny pictures and shots of traveling or landscapes rank highest, followed by pictures of a date's hobbies and pictures of animals. When it comes to those infamous filtered photos of food, men and women are divided. 25% of single women think food pics are a turn on, but only 19% of men agree.

On other social networks, men and women agree that liking a photo is one of the top ways to show interest (38% of men vs 39% of women). Commenting on a photo is also a strong indicator (34% of men vs 31% of women). What you absolutely shouldn't do, on the other hand, is air your emotional drama in posts, take excessive selfies, or ask a date to unfriend their exes.

And here's a fun fact: 54% of emoji-using singles had sex in 2014, compared to only 31% of non-emoji users. Food for thought.

For more information on this dating service you can read our Match.com review.

There’s been an uproar lately with the launch of dating app Tinder’s new premium service, Tinder Plus. The problem? The company is charging users in their twenties $9.99 in the U.S., compared to those 30 and older, who will have to pay $19.99 (and even more in the U.K.).

This has notably sparked some outrage from product reviewers and bloggers, who note the enduring problem of age discrimination when it comes to online dating – especially towards women. According to studies released by sites like OkCupid, young women are more sought-after by men, no matter how old the guy is. According to dating site Plenty of Fish, the ideal age of a single woman is 25 for most of their male daters. And according to OkCupid, that number skews even younger – with the ideal age being 21 or 22, even if the men wanting to date them are in their forties. Once female online daters hit the magic age of 30, they are blocked out from opportunities – some reports pointing to as much as an 80% decrease in messages and matches - as the majority of men prefer to meet women in their twenties.

This isn’t new. And it does explain why many people post old photos and lie about their ages (much to the frustration of the online daters who meet them). So what will these daters 30 and above do with Tinder – will they opt in and pay for Tinder Plus, or will we see more of a dating revolt?

According to Tinder, the company’s move to differentiate pricing based on age really comes down to economics. The company has tested pricing, and discovered that older singles are willing to pay more because they have more income. (The company likens it to services like Spotify which offer discounted rates to “students.”)

The problem with this “economic” view, as some reviewers have pointed out, is that older online daters already have a shrunken dating pool to choose from. (And online dating is a bit different than streaming music – with streaming, you have access to everything offered in exchange for your payment; with online dating, you only have access to those who haven’t filtered you out of their searches, which means fewer options for more money.)

As the Washington Post says: “The [age] problem is so urgent, and so severe, that several sites have spoken out against ageism in online dating in recent years. In 2010, OkCupid’s Christian Rudder wrote an entire blog post dedicated to convincing men that the 30-somethings on his site were just as cool and attractive as recent college grads. On JDate — a paid dating site for Jewish singles — the site’s official relationship blogger, Tamar Caspi, went on a full-blown rant over age.”

The latest move by Tinder might affect its user base, but the problem of ageism in dating still remains. If people are looking to meet someone special, then letting go of superficial restrictions like age only helps open the dating pool – and don’t we all want more choices?

How do you create the perfect online dating profile? There’s been a lot of advice and speculation over the years, but brace yourselves – there is now a study that shows you how to create the perfect online dating profile. That’s right – it’s science.

Scientists from Barts, the London School of Medicine and The University of North Texas have discovered the secret to the perfect online dating profile. In an analysis of 86 psychology, sociology, computer, and behavioral studies, they found answers to questions that have stumped the online dating community for years. They have come up with a list of specific guidelines – from creating the perfect profile handle to the wording of your first message.

Here are some of the highlights:

Your profile handle.

Men prefer simple to complex names, and ones that indicate the person behind the handle is attractive (i.e. “Cutie” scores well). Women however prefer smart handles, ones that show the guy put some thought into its creation (i.e. "TheUniverseisVastlikemyMind" perhaps? Just kidding...). Similarity breeds affection for both sides however – if you call yourself “HotStuff” then likely the person called “SexyTime” will find you equally appealing.

Photos.

The research suggests women should have a “genuine” smile – that is, the crinkles on the corners of your eyes should be evident. The study also suggests women wear red and tilt your head slightly in your photo. Against previous advice, the science suggests you should post a photo with other people so you are perceived to have friends, although they suggest you position yourself in the center (a place of power).

Your headline/ who you are.

Be authentic. According to the study, if someone sounds strangely impersonal or looks like they spent a lot of time crafting their description, they will be perceived as liars. You should also aim to describe yourself more than the type of partner you want (70/30 ratio). Men prefer women who are “fit” but not body builder types with loads of muscles, while women prefer men who are risk-takers and courageous, even more so than if they are kind.

Descriptions.

People look for unintentional cues as well as what’s written in your profile. This is one reason why poor grammar is a turn-off – it signifies a lack of education, also a turn-off. Also, relating a story in a humorous way is a lot more attractive to potential matches than writing a general phrase like “My friends think I’m hilarious.” In other words, illustrate what you mean, instead of just saying something is true.

Messaging.

Unlike meeting in person, people tend to disclose more personal information more quickly if they communicate online. If you don't know how to start messaging a match, a good ice breaker might be: “What did you like in my profile?” – as it gets the other person thinking about you in a positive way.  Spontaneous humor also puts people in a good mood, and makes them more receptive. Don’t play the waiting game however – most people want to move quickly to see if there’s a connection.

The first date with your latest online match didn’t leave you feeling that chemistry you desire so much, but it wasn’t a bad date either. It was just kind of so-so. The whole experience leaves you wondering – is it worth giving this guy another chance?

I’m a big advocate of giving people a second (and third and possibly fourth) chance. Often, intimacy and attraction are built over time, especially if you’re guarded with your emotions. Instant chemistry isn’t always a good thing – it can cloud good judgment, so don’t jump in with both feet right away!

Instead of writing off a date because you are unsure, or got a little bored, or he’s not the kind of guy you usually date, give it a chance to see what happens.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• Were you tired or lacking energy? When you’ve been battling traffic, an irritated boss, or just general work fatigue, it’s hard to muster the energy for a date. But you get what you give in the case of dating, so you and your date both play off each other’s energy. If one of you is off, it can lead you to conclude you’re not right for each other. Instead of assumptions, give it another chance.
• Did you pick a typical first date place or activity? Coffee dates don’t really give you an opportunity to enjoy yourselves. Coffee shops are settings for interviews, which feel uncomfortable and not at all enjoyable! Instead, try a second date doing something active, like riding bikes or visiting an art gallery together. The point is to see if you can bond a little by experiencing something together, rather than just sitting through a game of twenty questions.

There are a few important things to consider when you’re dating too, which mainly have to do with following your gut. It’s good to ask yourself the following if you were left feeling uncertain after a first date:

• Do you feel safe with this person, or did you feel uneasy during any part of the evening? Don’t ever put your health and safety at risk, or feel pressured into doing something you aren’t comfortable with. A good date means someone who doesn’t overstep boundaries.
• Did he avoid questions about his own life? This is a sign he’s hiding something from you – maybe a wife or girlfriend, another life. If he’s avoiding your questions and refusing to reveal anything about himself, there’s a reason.
• Did he drink too much? If it seems he’s not in control of his impulses or has addictive tendencies that he hasn’t addressed, he’s not a good candidate for a second date. Compulsive drinkers might have a good time, but they aren’t in a place to welcome a healthy relationship.
• Was he angry? Some people carry hurt and anger from their pasts with them on a date, which is both unfair to their dates and also a little intimidating. If you dated someone who hasn’t resolved issues of anger, it’s best to move on.

Bottom line: Check in with your gut. Make sure you feel safe around your date first. If you are on the fence about how you feel romantically, try another date and see if things continue to improve – if they do, keep dating. It’s a process.