Tips

Who is your go-to for dating advice? Your best friend? A parent? A stand-up comedian?

The last one may not be the first thing that comes to mind, but Aziz Ansari is out to change that. Together with Eric Klinenberg, a professor of sociology at New York University, he has penned a new book called Modern Romance. In a recent article for The New York Times, the duo shares a few insights gleaned from two years of research for the book.

“Online dating generates a spectrum of reactions,” they write, from exhilaration to fatigue to fury. The question is, “Is there a way to do it more effectively, with less stress?” After two years of study, Ansari and Klinenberg believe the answer is yes. They offer the following tips for singles looking to make online dating work better.

Don't rely too much on algorithms. You can filter to your heart's content, but at the end of the day, “we are horrible at knowing what we want.” Think of online dating as a vehicle for meeting people, rather than a method for finding the love of your life. An online dating site can only predict so much. Introductions are guaranteed, but only by meeting in person can you decide if you have long-term potential as a couple.

Your picture matters (probably too much). OkCupid launched an app called Crazy Blind Date that offered users only a blurred photo and minimal info. After going on the date, users were asked to rate their satisfaction with the experience. On OkCupid's regular site, women who were rated highly attractive were unlikey to respond to men who were rated less attractive. But when they were matched using Crazy Blind Date, they had a good time.

What does that mean? According to Christian Rudder, an OkCupid co-founder, “people appear to be heavily preselecting online for something that, once they sit down in person, doesn’t seem important to them.” Next time you look at a photo that doesn't seem quite up to snuff, remember that the person behind it could be exactly the date you're looking for.

Swipe apps don't deserve the stigma. You've heard critics complain that swipe apps like Tinder are too superficial, but Ansari and Klinenberg call that cynical. “When you walk into a bar or party,” they write, “often all you have to go by is faces, and that’s what you use to decide if you are going to gather the courage to talk to them. Isn’t a swipe app just a huge party full of faces?”

For more insight into modern romance, read the original article and, as Tim Gunn says, “Make it work.”

When you’re online dating, it’s hard to not take rejection personally. After all, your matches rejected you romantically! It doesn’t get more personal than that, right?

Wrong. Online dating is to some extent, a numbers game. That is, anyone who is online dating is bound to get rejected because of the sheer number of people doing it, whether your match swiped left on Tinder or wrote a heart-felt rejection message over eHarmony. Not every love connection is going to work out. In fact, most of them don’t.

Instead of taking it personally when you get rejected online, following are a few things to understand and help you gain perspective – so take heart:

It’s not personal.

Rejection happens to everyone. If you’ve been online dating long enough, it can get downright discouraging. But this doesn’t mean you’re hopeless. It just means that there are a lot of options out there, and some people aren’t willing to take the time to get to know the real you, and that’s okay. Some people will choose to get to know you, too. Like everything in life that’s rewarding, online dating requires a bit of patience and perseverance.

What would you have done differently?

Online dating gives us a unique opportunity to see and evaluate our own behavior apart from our familiar circles of friends and family. Dates are subjective, but they react to how you present yourself. Were you in a bad mood on the date? Are you harboring judgment or anger? These things can come across to your date, so pay attention to what is going on inside of you, as well as your date.

You’ve rejected people, too.

Think back to those people whose messages you ignored, those profiles you swiped left on. Chances are, you have done your share of rejecting, too. Was it personal? I’d bet in most cases, it wasn’t personal at all – just a preference. So don’t take it so personally when an online date rejects you.

Your date might have met someone else.

A lot can happen in one night. If your date was chatting with someone else and decided to pursue her, that’s a choice – it’s not a reflection on you. Or, your date might have gotten back together with an ex. You never know what might have happened to someone else or what they have going on in their lives, so don’t drive yourself crazy with analyzing every text or date. Just let it go, and know that someone else is out there.

There are still more people to meet.

As I just mentioned, online dating presents all kinds of new options, at any time you want. If you want to feel better after a rejection, spice up your profile, reach out to some new people, and see what happens. Online dating can get you down, but it can also be an ego boost.

Everyone you know is talking about online dating. Most of them have tried it. You've thought about joining a site or downloading the latest app, but you're not quite convinced digital dating is for you.

Justin McLeod, CEO of Hinge, has something to say to you. A few somethings, in fact. He recently wrote a piece for Business Today on the benefits of online dating. If you've considered logging on for love but haven't taken the plunge yet, here's why you should.

1. It's easy to get started. There's no excuse for not signing up when signing up is so easy. Socially-driven apps, like Hinge and Tinder, don't ask you to fill out a lengthy profile or answer an SAT exam-worthy series of questions. Instead they link directly to your Facebook account, automatically populating your dating profile with info from the social network. “This way,” McLeod writes, “interested people get to check out a bite-sized version of your personality without writing you off as not their type.
2. Quality trumps quantity. Online dating offers a curated selection of potential dates, designed with your compatibility in mind. “Instead of having to wade through a sea of random profiles until you get lucky and find that elusive perfect someone,” says McLeod, “it can bring what you want to see.” And while a dating service is showing you people you're likely to be interested in, it's also filtering out the bad matches. The algorithms don't get it right every time, but it's still a perk that doesn't come with real-life romance.
3. Conversation starters come standard. Say you meet someone on the street, or during your commute home from work. Starting a conversation can be difficult, not to mention intimidating, when you know nothing about each other. But online, where you have access to a profile and photos from a person's life, you have built-in subjects to spark a conversation. Find something that intrigues you and inquire about it.
4. You're in control. No more waiting around for someone to approach you. No worries that a complex schedule will prevent you from meeting new people. No relying on a friend to arrange a blind date they promised to set up, and keep forgetting. Online dating lets you search for and communicate with potential dates any time, anywhere, with no reliance on third parties. “Moreover,” McLeod adds, “responses are generally quicker and easier to follow up on online.”

What are you waiting for? No more excuses.

Your knight (or lady) in shining armor could be waiting online. Or your next hookup. Or even your new best friend. But so are identity thieves, hackers, and other unscrupulous folks who range from not-so-nice to downright nasty.

Online dating is like a playground. Most people you meet are good. They're out there to have fun and meet each other. But a few of those people are bullies, and your best bet is to steer clear of them.

One of the biggest online dating bullies is the catfish, a person who pretends to be someone they're not and uses that false identity to lure others into deceptive online relationships.

How do you investigate a potential date if something feels fishy? It's time for some digital research. It might seem creepy at first (and if you were stalking your ex, it would be), but in this case you get a pass. You have to take care of yourself, and a good offense is the best defense.

Look for the following red flags during your investigation:

• Their profile looks like it was put together in 30 seconds. The profile of a serious dater should look like time and effort went into it.
• They don't have social media accounts. Maybe they just think they're being radical by staying off social media. Maybe. But it's far more likely in this day and age that someone who doesn't have any social media accounts doesn't exist.
• They have more than one profile on a single social media site. How many Facebook accounts does one person need? Answer: one. More than that could mean something suspect is going on.
• Their social accounts have very few friends. Most of us are on social media to be social. If an account only has a handful of friends, you have to wonder what else it exists for.
• Their photos don't look right. Are they all modeling photos with no pictures of activities? Has no one else posted a photo of them? Are there no signs of family or friends in any of the pictures? Are their photos completely devoid of tags? These are all possible red flags.
• They contact you outside of your dating service. You've been chatting on OkCupid and suddenly they reach out to you on Facebook. Time to take a step back and reconsider who you're talking to. Even if they're not a catfish, that move shows a poor sense of boundaries.
• Their profile is copy/pasted. Some scammers get lazy and use the same info for multiple profiles, or steal the info from real profiles. Run a Google search to see if the same text pops up in multiple profiles. You can also run a reverse image search to do the same for photos.

If you see any of these signs – or worse, a cluster of them – you may be better off backing away.

A study was recently released about users of dating app Tinder, which found that over 40% of the Tinder population is either already married or in a relationship.

While dating apps do attract users with less virtuous intentions, and some people feel compelled to meet for random hook-ups through a dating app even while they are in a committed relationship, there is an interesting question: what if some of these non-single users don't even know they have an online dating profile?

Turns out, there are many people who think deleting a dating app from your phone is the same as deleting your profile - but it isn't.

Dating apps and online dating sites make it kind of tricky to get rid of you altogether – after all, they attract people (and investors) based on user numbers, so they are not motivated to make it obvious how to delete your account. Many Tinder and dating app users delete the app from their phones, mistaking this from deleting their profile altogether.

So perhaps we shouldn’t be so cynical when it comes to daters’ intentions. Maybe instead, it’s good to take you through the steps of how to delete a profile for the most popular apps:

Tinder

Many people make the mistake of deleting the app from their phones and thinking their profiles will be deleted, too – but this isn’t the case. To delete your account, go to “Settings” in the app, select “App Settings” then scroll down to “Delete Account.” You’ll get a message that says it was deleted, so you know for sure. (Keep in mind – this deletes all your messages and profile information, so you can't get it back.) If you paid for the Tinder Plus service, Tinder makes it one step harder to cancel: you have to cancel your subscription via email. Bear in mind, if you log in to Tinder again after deleting your account, it creates a whole new account for you.

OkCupid

OkCupid, unlike Tinder, gives you the option of letting your profile be disabled, which means that if you decide to use the service in the future, you’ll still have access to those old photos, profile, and messages. If you prefer to delete it altogether, you can go to “Settings” in either the app or desktop version and select “delete account.”

eHarmony

eHarmony is tricky to delete, because it takes two steps. First, go to “Settings,” then “Account Settings,” then “Billing” then “Close Account.” Then according to some to make sure it’s completely deleted, you have to send an email to deletemyinfo@eharmony.com with the subject line “Delete my Account Information.”

Hinge

Hinge doesn’t allow you to delete your account from your phone, but only from a computer. Go to the Hinge website for a link to your Facebook App settings, and then delete Hinge from there. Once you have done this, then you can delete the app from your phone.

Now that Tinder has announced the integration of Instagram into its dating app, daters might become more self-conscious about posting selfies or an abundance of food photos. After all, if someone’s interested in your profile and wants to look further, it gives him/her more reason to judge you and move on.

That can be pretty stressful to your low-key dating style on Tinder. But if you are watching what you post – and want to put your best face forward, so to speak – then you might want to consider these tips about the kind of photos to avoid posting.

No drunk shots. It might seem festive to include a picture of you downing that margarita for Cinco de Mayo, but it might make your dates wonder if you party too much. Avoid polarizing potential dates based on a few weekend nights out having fun – find activities that represent who you are in your normal, every day life.

Keep group photos out. If you post a group photo, not only will potential dates wonder which one you are, but they are more likely to want to date your friends. Don’t fall into this trap – everyone has friends, so there’s no reason to promote it, and if you want to show off how attractive yours are, it will backfire.

Ease up on duck faces. The rise of the selfie has also resulted in the popularity of making duck faces at the camera. While you might rock your pout, don’t advertise it on Tinder. People don’t want to see your Kylie Jenner impression, they want to know who you are and what you really look like. Also, try smiling instead.

No posing with celebrities or ultra nice objects, like sports cars. I know you’re proud of that photo you took with George Clooney, or that you just bought a new car. Please don’t pose next to them for your Tinder photos. This is really screaming to potential dates: “I’m desperate for attention.”

Include a body shot. If you have nothing but shots of your face, people will make assumptions about what you’re not posting – your body. They might assume you’re hiding something, or you’ve lied about your weight or appearance in some way. Don’t let this happen. Be straightforward, and try to have a little fun with it.

Avoid all those photos of your pet and/or your food. You've heard this before, but please avoid posting all those pics of your adorable dog or cat making faces, sleeping, cuddling, whatever. Show these to your friends, not your potential dates. The same goes for food, no matter how artfully you’ve captured that plate of sushi. Endless pictures of food doesn’t tell your date anything about who you are, what you like, or how you spend time – except that you like to eat pretty things. The focus of your profile should be you.

For more about this dating app you can take a look at our Tinder review.