Advice

The year is 2015, so our obsessive attachment to our electronic devices is nothing new. Regardless of your feelings on the matter, technology has changed the way we do almost everything, including dating. Gone are the days of embarrassment over online dating. There's hardly anyone left who hasn't tried it – or, at the very least, knows someone who did.

But just because it's commonplace doesn't mean it's all smooth sailing. Whether you're a starry-eyed newcomer or a grizzled veteran, you may be surprised to stumble upon online dating's dirty little secrets.

Beware of these common pitfalls that are often left out of the conversation.

1. It's a lot of work. Online dating is rarely a “build it and they will come” situation. Writing your profile, answering match questions, keeping your photos updated, sending and replying to messages, even simple swiping – all of it is a major time-suck. Be prepared to invest if you want to see results. On the other hand, it's also easy to get obsessed at the expense of your productivity. You may need to strike out a couple of times before you find a healthy balance between the two extremes.
2. Intimacy happens at an accelerated pace (and isn't always real). Online dating has a way of sweeping you up into a fantasy. Everything seems to move faster. You hit it off with someone over messages and suddenly you're already planning your romantic future together, even though you've never even met. Real intimacy takes a significant amount of time and trust to build, so be cautious of mistaking digital pseudo-intimacy for the real thing.
3. Commitment phobia is a real side effect. Sure, commitment phobia exists offline too – it's hardly a phenomenon unique to online dating, but online dating exaggerates the symptoms. With so many options available at your fingertips at all times, it can be tempting to play the field instead of settling down. Even if you have a genuine connection, you may be left with the constant fear that someone better is out there and you're missing out. You'll never be happy if you (or your partner) is constantly second-guessing your relationship.
4. Catfishing isn't made up for an MTV show. Everyone goes into online dating thinking there's no way it could happen to them. Most of us will date unscathed, but that doesn't mean predators aren't out there. Scams range from the mildly irritating to the downright destructive, and you are not invincible. Keep your wits about you, watch for red flags and Google stalk if you must.

It's not all love at first swipe, but if you swipe smart, it could be love sooner than you think.

A recent article in The Wall Street  Journal pointed out the importance of using correct grammar in your online dating profile. According to surveys done in recent years by dating websites OkCupid and Match.com, grammar is by far one of the most important aspects of an online dating profile. If you mix up “your” and “you’re,” many daters will move on to the next.

But why is this? Aren’t people more concerned with great photos, as we’ve seen with apps like Tinder and Grindr? Why should online daters care about how people write – it isn’t necessarily an indication of who they are in real life or how great a match they would be. Besides, aren’t most daters attracted to physical appearances rather than writing style?

Apparently not. Match.com found that 88% of women and 75% of men in their survey of 5,000 singles said they cared about grammar most, putting it ahead of a person’s confidence and teeth.

The WSJ attributed this trend to the rise of dating apps and the common use of text slang, with abbreviations like YOLO (You only Live Once) replacing standard phrasing and sentences. While messaging has now become more of a convenience than an art, grammar has fallen by the wayside, and one way to make yourself stand out among the millions of other daters out there is to approach communicating with someone as though you put in some effort. After all, most dating apps don’t require much more effort than a swipe.

In other words, think about your professional life and how much time and care you put in to communication with your bosses and co-workers. When you send an email to a group of work colleagues, chances are you spell-checked it before pressing the “send” key, and most likely it isn’t filled with acronyms for every common phrase. If you apply the same protocol to online dating, it might seem a bit formal at first, but it definitely scores you more points. The person receiving your message is more likely to take you seriously because it looks like you have put in more time and effort.

In other words, you come across as smart and caring. Thoughtfulness goes a long way.

Grammar has been important in the online dating scene for a while, even before the popularity of texting and dating apps made bad grammar much more common. Dating websites like Match and eHarmony encouraged users to use complete sentences in their profiles and check for spelling errors. Wouldn’t you be turned off if someone you didn’t know turned in a report or emailed you with a couple of brief sentences, rife with misspellings?

A little effort goes a long way.

Dating app Hinge is taking after OkCupid by collecting its user data and publishing results that might help people better connect. The latest report outlines the best pick-up lines among users of its app – and as it turns out, the way to a woman’s heart might just be through her stomach.

To conduct the survey, Hinge recruited copywriters and data analysts to compose 100 original openers, and sent them to 22 percent of Hinge users, who were then given the option of sending these openers to their matches. After studying eight million impressions, trends began to emerge. Some were expected - daters who want to connect should definitely avoid generic statements like 'Hey, what's up?' as an opening line, for example. The data was refined and categorized to give more in-depth info about who was responding—including their gender, age, and location across the U.S.

Results of the month-long experiment showed the most effective conversation starters for women include food references. For instance, a guy could ask a question like: “Chocolate, red velvet, or funfetti?” referring to cupcake preferences, or “Best discovery: Netflix or avocados?” for example. Hinge noted that “women are 40% more likely than men to respond to openers that are food-related.”

Men were most responsive when asked out directly, and particularly if those messages were assertive (the types of messages most women don’t like, which should be noted). For instance, if a woman put herself out there and confidently asked “Drinks soon?” or “Free this week?” men were 98% more likely to respond favorably.

Males were also found to have shorter attention spans: If they don’t receive a response to a message within six hours, a quarter of them will drop out of sight, compared with only five per cent of women.

As far as age groups, the 35 and older crowd prefers pop culture references. For instance, they responded best to “Katy Perry or Taylor Swift?” or “Bears, beets, or Battlestar Gallactica?” The 20-somethings preferred introductions about lifestyle with lines like: “Better adventure: Rock climbing or scuba diving?” or “Sunday priorities: Exercise, sleep or aggressive mimosas?” The 18-23 age group seemed to prefer novelty questions like: “Pain reliever personality: Advil, Tylenol or complaining?” and “You’re having your portrait painted – what’s your backdrop?”

Regional responses varied too, with folks in Los Angeles preferring entertainment-related questions (no surprise), and users in the Mid-West liking the 90’s references.

Hinge connects people through Facebook circles, and is available for both Android and iPhone. For more on Hinge, you can read our review.

Online dating is a wonderful thing, but it is a double-edged sword in many respects. We can meet a lot more people this way, but having the ability to meet more people also means we have to suffer through a lot more bad dates. A LOT more.

Let me clarify – this isn’t a bad thing. It’s just the thing that people tend to complain about when it comes to online dating. “There are so many bad ones out there,” is the cry from most. But even if you only had one date a month, chances are you wouldn’t click with most of those dates either. The irony is, most people aren’t romantically suited for each other – a part of online dating that we must come to accept.

The point I’m making is this: you’ll have a lot of first dates. And by comparison, relatively few second dates.

This isn’t to say you are failing at online dating, or that there just aren’t many “good ones” out there. It just means that you (and other online daters) are meeting a lot of people at any given time, and most of them aren’t going to click with you. In fact, most won’t lead to a second date. And that’s okay.

Second dates mean that there is some chemistry felt on both sides, that there might be an opportunity to move forward into a relationship. If one person didn’t feel a connection on the first date, she probably isn’t willing to try again for date number two (although I believe we should error on the side of giving more people an opportunity for a second date, where they will likely be more “themselves” than on a first date). Chemistry is an elusive concept. It is something that is felt – and not always by both people.

If you aren’t getting many second dates and want a bit more success, there are a few things to consider changing. Number one – are you mixing up your meeting place? After a dozen coffee dates at your favorite coffee joint, things can get a little stale. Try branching out and doing something more creative, not necessarily more expensive. Go for a walk in the park or a hike. Try a wine tasting event or strolling a flea market. Try a more inspiring date and it might mean that you have more fun together in general.

If you are expecting instant chemistry or love at first sight with your dates, you’ll be waiting a long time. Most people don’t feel chemistry with someone until they have built up trust. If they do feel chemistry right away, it typically fizzles pretty quickly because you don’t really know each other. Don’t rely solely on your animal instincts. Instead, take things slowly, get to know the person sitting across from you, and don’t take it personally if there is no second date.

When it’s right, there will be many more dates after the second.

There is a temptation many online daters succumb to, perhaps without realizing it. While the point of online dating is to widen your social circles and meet people you otherwise wouldn’t meet in real life, there is unfortunately a timing issue.

Most people start communicating with their matches online before they make plans to meet in person. There is a “getting to know you” phase, complete with flirtations, shared intimacies, and lots of texts back and forth. For some, this process can go on and on for weeks before the two decide to meet in person.

By that time, anticipation has been built. Maybe you throw on your cutest outfit or favorite pair of heels, or style your hair for the occasion. You have butterflies in your stomach, excited to think how well you connected online – so surely you must also connect in person, right?

Not so much. Many online relationships fizzle by the time two people meet and discover that in person, there is just no chemistry between them. Certain personality affectations are hard to guage online, and people get a false sense of who the other person really is when they only communicate online.

For one, it is easier to fantasize when you aren’t seeing each other face to face. Maybe your date is really witty over text, but avoids eye contact in person. Maybe he’s painfully shy, or maybe he’s not exactly what you pictured in your head. Regardless, there is a gap between the person you fantasized about and the person sitting in front of you.

Secondly, people tend to cultivate a false sense of intimacy online. It’s easy to share more personal information when you aren’t looking each other in the eye. When you date in person, there is a more gradual build, as there is a certain level of trust that has to be gained before you open up. When you are only communicating online however, it’s easy to overshare. You can text at all hours, so there aren’t any boundaries for appropriate timing, or what you can feel free to say. Maybe you are more bold about flirting online, and would never say those things to someone in person. So what happens when you finally meet? There is a certain vulnerability that can make both people feel uncomfortable or awkward around each other, which can lead to a lack of chemistry.

And lastly, you don’t want to maintain an online relationship with someone who keeps putting off meeting you in person. They might not be who they claim they are. Do you really want to make an emotional investment in someone who isn’t eager to meet you in person, no matter the reason?

It is better to meet in real life sooner rather than later. Don’t build up an online relationship thinking it’s the same thing as actually dating. It’s not. Meeting face to face is the only way to assess how compatible and attracted to each other you are.

If you’ve ever dated online, you have probably encountered a match who wasn’t completely honest. Maybe he claimed to be 5-foot-ten in his profile, but when you showed up in heels for the date, he was definitely more like five-foot-five. Or perhaps the last girl you met posted a photo from a couple of years ago, when she was 20 pounds lighter.

Do you think your dates misrepresented themselves? Do they believe they were lying in their dating profiles, or simply “enhancing” how they see themselves?

Most people would agree that these types of “enhancements” are misleading. But when it comes to your own dating profile, do you hold yourself to the same ethical standard you apply to others, or do you shave a couple of years off your age or add a little more to your annual salary?

Lying in dating profiles is a slippery slope. While it’s true that people do filter according to certain preferences more than others – like height, age, and weight – does this mean you should fudge the numbers so that you are more likely to be included in someone’s search? If you do, then what happens when you meet in person and you have to explain yourself? Or after you’ve been on several dates with someone you’re really attracted to, and she starts making cultural references that you don’t relate to? Do you fall silent or pretend you know what she’s talking about?

It’s easy to get caught up in your deceit. The problem is, when you lie in your profile, it’s much more difficult to continue in a relationship that seems promising. You have started off on the wrong foot, and your date might be resentful that you lied (even if he did, too).

It might seem counter-intuitive to be called out on your lie when your date might have misrepresented himself, too. But it happens. This is where so much mistrust has built up in online dating. Everyone is so busy trying to “get past” the filters people put in place. But if you take this route, it works against you. Plus, it will make you distrust more online daters, and probably set your filters with even narrower focus. For instance, if you set an age range filter of matches between the ages of 25 and 40, but you meet a few 45 year-olds who fudged their ages, chances are you are going to set your filters to a more narrow focus of 25-35, assuming you will get guys who are actually 40 or younger.

Instead of trying to outsmart the filters on dating apps, or trying to widen your options by lying, try taking the honest route. See if your dates respond more positively to you. And see if you have a better, more comfortable time with them.

We could all use more honesty in online dating.