Advice

You'd think that self-confidence would be a positive trait in dating. It takes a certain amount of assurance to approach a stranger and ask them out. And dating experts around the world agree – confidence is one of the most attractive (not to mention useful) traits a person can have.

But there happens to be one group for whom that seemingly obvious insight is not true: college-age men. According to research led by Carnegie Mellon University’s Emily Yeh, young men who are overconfident see less success using OkCupid.

Yeh's findings, presented at the Society for Personality and Social Psychology’s annual meeting in San Diego, mirror some of OkCupid's own data. The site asks users to score themselves on a variety of factors, including intelligence and height. Many rate themselves as being smarter, taller, etc., than average, and not necessarily because they're consciously lying. Instead they fall victim to “illusory superiority,” a psychological phenomenon that describes people's natural tendency to believe they are better than average.

Then again, no one is shocked at the thought of users lying on dating sites to attract more suitors. It's basic survival. Instead, Yeh decided to take things further and study how overconfidence relates to success on OkCupid. She asked participants to rate their level of self-confidence, then compared their answers to their “success” on the site (defined as things like length of conversation and frequency of first contacts). She focused her research on two age groups: 18-22 and 45-55.

Yeh's initial findings were not surprising. Individuals with higher self-reported confidence also initiated more conversations, regardless of gender or age group. But when it came to receiving messages, the results began to vary. The older age group and younger women received more messages if they considered themselves highly confident. “The more confident you are, the more messages you get,” Yeh told New York magazine.

Younger men, on the other hand, had the opposite experience. “The more modest the male is, the more messages they receive,” Yeh said. Young men who reported less confidence in the initial survey were also less likely to develop a first message into an extended conversation.

What could explain Yeh's findings? She suggests that “it could mean, perhaps as you get older, you start to have more concrete measures of how confident you are.” As you mature, you have a greater number of real achievements under your belt and with those achievements comes both a clearer sense of what you can accomplish and a stronger belief in yourself.

Younger daters may feel confident, but not yet have much to back that confidence up. Either that means they're making missteps they wouldn't make if they were more cautious, or their false bravado is clear to potential dates who are turned off by it. Either way, the end message is clear: college guys need to give the overconfidence a rest if they want to score.

Looking to get the year started on a more romantic note? Now’s the perfect time to join online dating sites. According to Match.com and other notable online dating sites and apps, the biggest surge of new member signups happen between January 1^st and Valentine’s Day.

So, you have a lot of time to see who’s out there and try a new app.

This year, eHarmony reported a 21% increase in mobile registrations since the holidays began, and dating app Zoosk also expected a 20% jump in users the first two weeks of January. Grindr, a dating app for gay men, typically experiences a 30-50% increase in users over the holidays, and Match expects an increase of 60% in new members before Valentine’s Day. Most dating apps agree that this is the busiest time of year for them.

The desire to sign up for an online dating site now may be for personal reasons. Most people have spent the holidays together with family members, creating a sense of warmth and togetherness that some singles feel might be missing from their lives. For those who spent the holidays alone, this time of year can feel particularly isolating, which can provide inspiration for expanding social networks and dating. There’s also the plethora of Instagram photos of happy couples taking vacations together, not to mention the announcement of engagement or baby news over social media, which can also create the desire for more people to want to meet someone special. And what about New Year’s resolutions to date and meet more people?

It seems there’s something about this time of year that motivates people to try online dating – but perhaps it’s less about emotion and more about having the time off for the holidays. People have the opportunity to look at their personal lives and see what they could be doing when they have free time.

According to news website MarketWatch, there’s evidence that people tend to join online dating sites when they have time off work and want to look forward to something personal. So it makes sense that the biggest online dating membership surge the Sunday after New Year’s Eve, when most people are still enjoying the holiday break but know that work is about to start up again.

Interestingly, this theory holds true outside of the winter holidays. Some dating sites, including Zoosk, also saw a surge in new members during the U.S. government shutdown in 2013, when many people’s jobs were affected and they were prevented from going to work.

Regardless, this is the best time of year to join a dating website or download a dating app. More people are online now than ever, which means more opportunities. For more information on the popular dating services mentioned you can read our Match.com review and our eHarmony review.

Happy dating in 2016!

If only you were as discerning in your dating life as you are at mealtimes. Your palate is as refined as it gets, but when it comes to shacking up, you're prone to making decisions that aren't exactly Michelin star material.

But what if you could combine your search for love with your love of food? As online dating continues down the road to world domination, more and more dating services dedicated to niche communities appear. And yes, foodies, that absolutely includes you.

Maybe you're a wiz in the kitchen. Or have specific dietary needs. Or are simply passionate about dining out. Whatever form of food-obsessed singleton you are, there are dating sites that cater to helping you find the perfect partner to break bread with. If your kitchen could use some romance, try one of these online dating websites for foodies:

In a bygone era, online dating was heavily stigmatized. It was considerd the province of desperate weirdos and would-be ax murderers, while the rest of us upstanding citizens were stuck dating the old fashioned way.

Today things are different. Dating services are so ubiquitous that it's easy to assume they're a requirement for a successful romantic life. The FOMO has fully kicked in – in 2015, if you're not online dating, you live in constant fear that you're missing out on something, and someone, amazing.

But hang on. Is that any better? We agree that pressuring people out of online dating was a bad idea, so why are we ok with the opposite?

Newsflash: it's the 21^st century and you can date however you want. If you love Tinder, swipe until carpal tunnel sets in. If you don't, delete the app and don't look back. Maybe online dating isn't for you and that's a-ok.

How do you know it's time to quit digital dating? If any of the following sounds like you, it's time to take a cue from Frozen and let it go.

• Your offline social life is suffering. Online dating is supposed to make you more connected with people, not less. Pings and push notifications should not distract you from real life interactions. You don't want to be the person who's out and about but constantly glued to their phone.
• You're constantly stressed out about it. Why so serious? Dating is supposed to be fun, but it's easy to forget that when you know hundreds of potential mates are only a click away. Maybe you feel obligated to meet a monthly quota of dates, or to upload a new picture every day, or to answer each message as soon as it arrives. Pause. Breathe. Anxiety and neurotic behavior should not be side effects of online dating.
• You're not yourself online. You're told over and over again that it's important to put your best foot forward. And it is, but take that to extremes and you may find you don't even recognize the person in the profile. If your perfect online identity doesn't match the offline one at all – especially if you don't even like the fake person – kill them off and try something new.
• You're too picky, shallow, or indecisive. Online dating can bring your not-so-flattering qualities straight into the spotlight. With so many romantic possibilities at our finger tips, we tend to get unfairly picky and shallow – more so than we would be in real life. We're constantly worried that if we choose someone, we're missing someone better. And that might mean not choosing at all.

And finally, the #1 reason to quit online dating: you're over it.

Yes, even in 2015, it's totally ok to decide you're just not that into online dating. If you're bored, and doing it out of obligation instead of actual interest, kiss the computer goodbye. Some breakups are for the best.

There’s no doubt about it: online dating has become even more popular, and at the same time, more frustrating than ever. Believe it or not, there is a correlation between the two.

Dating apps work very similarly to a game. You swipe left and right, amassing lots of matches to your dating bank account, and feeling great. More people, more possibilities. But in reality – how many of your matches are you actually going out with? How many send you messages, and how many respond to yours? Unfortunately, more often than not, the numbers are low. (Or worse – female daters tend to be the recipients of unwanted and aggressive texts.)

So what do we do with this information? Do we declare this to be "the end of dating" along with The New York Times? Do we delete those apps from our phones, as one writer for website Bustle has declared she will do?

You do have the option to drop out of online dating altogether, but I would argue for keeping it a part of how you meet people to date. Dating apps are here to stay, so it's time to embrace them. But we also need to learn how to date - in real life.

The problem doesn't lie with dating apps per se - technology in general is changing how we behave and interact. People are spending more time updating and commenting on their social media accounts than they are having actual conversations or meeting up with people IRL. Take a look at any bar or restaurant, and inevitably you see a group of people at a table, and none of them are talking to each other – they are staring at their phones.

There is an element of social anxiety that comes along with dating, but our phones are giving us an easy way out, rather than learning to overcome this anxiety. It’s much easier to drop a conversation online than try to think of something witty to say. And the thought of making small talk on a first date for half an hour can terrify many young daters who have grown accustomed to safely hiding behind their phones.

Instead of complaining about the technology, it’s time to do something about what we would like to see in the dating world. Ask someone out on a real date. Pick up the phone and have a conversation, don’t just text until one of you drops off. And if you don’t get a response? On to the next.

Most people want to find a connection to someone else. Online dating provides a way to meet people, not a way to actually date them. Instead, the search for connection is totally left up to us – a scary thought. (Why can’t we just blame the dating apps for peoples’ behavior?)

If you want your online dating experience to change, you first need to change your own approach to it. Don’t endlessly swipe. Talk to more people over the phone or in person. Look them in the eye when you are having a conversation. Don’t become distracted by your phone, or lean on it like a crutch when you get bored. Learn the art of making conversation, of flirting. Practice it!

There’s no shame in asking someone out, and to follow through and go on a real date. In fact, it’s the only thing that will lead to a real-life relationship.

Are you online dating? If so, chances are you have filtered your matches according to your preferences – body type, height, age, career, or whatever is most important to you. Filtering our choices is a good thing – but inevitably, it feeds our tendencies to not want to compromise. After all, if you can choose who exactly you want at the swipe of a screen, why should you settle for less than your ideal mate? You want your date to check off all the boxes on your list, not just a few.

For example, let’s say you don’t want to date anybody who lives more than a 15-minute drive from you, or who didn’t go to college, or who isn’t much into Cross Fit since this is your preferred fitness activity. If you met someone great who lives 45 minutes away, or was into hiking instead of Cross Fit, or who doesn’t have a college degree, would you reject her?

When we are given so many options for meeting new people, it can be difficult to compromise at all. Even if the right person for you appeared on your Tinder screen, you might not even agree to the first date because there are other people who better meet your criteria and filters.

For example, I live in Los Angeles. There is a lot of traffic, and many people spend hours a day in their cars commuting to work. So it’s only natural that they don’t want to spend any more time driving to meet a date, especially when it might not go well. Why waste even more time and effort?

But the truth is, you might be missing out. Maybe you don’t want to consider someone who lives more than fifteen or twenty minutes away, but if you met someone who you found incredibly attractive and compelling, chances are you would drive those few extra miles to spend time together.

If you are a Cross Fit fanatic, and believe that only other Cross Fit people will “get you” - so there’s no point in dating someone who prefers volleyball, or hiking, or sailing for instance – then you are missing out on people who could show you their own passions which are different from yours. There is something compelling about people with passions. They make you want to know more about them, about their interests. So why not give a new date a chance, even if they will never love Cross Fit like you? There are so many other opportunities to be compatible – you don’t have to be in love with the same activity.

Filters serve a purpose, but if we aren’t willing to compromise our own rigid guidelines about what we think we want, then we miss important opportunities. Remember, preferences aren’t deal-breakers. If you’re interested in meeting someone, if you find him/ her attractive and interesting, then don’t let things like distance and compatible interests get in the way. Because you never know – love is often found in the most unlikely places.