Dating

We all set goals and make plans in our lives. After all, without a plan in place, it would be difficult to accomplish anything! But sometimes our planning and control mechanisms go into overdrive. For instance, maybe you try to predict others' reactions to your news about starting your own business and plan what you say or do in response – before they’ve even said a word! Or maybe you think of everything that could possibly go wrong so you can feel more prepared. Or perhaps you have a set time schedule – whether it’s how many errands you can run in an hour, or your plan to get your MBA by age 25 while working at your full-time demanding job.

And chances are, things didn’t quite go as planned. People can be unpredictable in their reactions. Ordinary plans get hijacked by extenuating circumstances, like traffic jams that hold us up. Or our job takes us to a new city, and our good intentions for school get put on hold.

When you’re planning out your life, to accomplish everything by a certain age, you can expect that life probably has other plans for you. Life will interfere. And the beauty is, that is okay. It is supposed to be that way.

As cheesy as it sounds, life is a mystery. We don’t know how long we will live, what experiences we will have that affect us profoundly, who we meet that will forever impact our lives. And isn’t that a good thing, to be surprised by life’s beautiful moments?

We should feel just as inspired by life’s unexpected challenges. When things don’t go as planned – when your new business can’t get off the ground, when you don’t seem to be meeting the right man, or when your MBA gets sidelined by your job transfer to Hong Kong – there is a purpose. These challenges show you that it is okay to let go.

Letting go of expectations and timelines that are beyond our control is liberating. It helps us to stop for a moment, take a look around, and really see what other opportunities life has in store.

Would you rather go through life knowing exactly what to expect, who you’ll meet, and what you will be doing each day? I wouldn’t. The most beautiful moments in my life were the ones that weren’t at all planned, that just happened because I got held up or diverted from my own plan, and ended up doing something else.

I got let go from a job, which led me to three jobs I hated, but also allowed me to meet my dearest friends to this day. I would never have met them had I not been floating from one job to the next, uncertain of what to do. I also wouldn’t have gotten an opportunity to develop my writing skills as I did when I was in-between jobs. I discovered a new love.

Once on a road trip with my boyfriend, we got lost when we missed an exit and ended up in a small town on the Oregon Coast where there were only two small motels. There was also a cyclist convention, and hundreds of people traveling through. It was late at night, and I felt defeated, wondering where we would stay. We were both too tired to continue driving to the next small town, so we took our chances and stopped by one of the motels off the highway. As it turned out, someone had just canceled their beachfront room at the motel across the street, so we not only got to take in a gorgeous moonlit night from our window, but we discovered the sheer beauty of something as simple as getting lost in order to reconnect with each other.

That’s something you can’t plan.

Dating is a numbers game, but what happens when you’re not 23 any longer – do the numbers start working against you?

No! The truth is, people are looking for partners of all ages. More than half the U.S. adult population is single, and many are baby boomers and Gen Xers looking to find love after a break-up or divorce, or want to get married for the first time. You are not alone.

The media would like us to think that young daters are the only ones out there who are actively dating and forming relationships, but that is far from the truth. Older daters are higher in number, but are slowly adapting to the technology available to them – specifically online and mobile dating. The stigma is gone for the most part, thanks to the ease, accessibility and popularity of mobile dating apps. How many 40-somethings do you know using Tinder? Probably more than you’d expect.

If you are over 40 and wondering how to approach this whole dating thing, here are some tips:

Try different sites and apps. Not everyone over age 40 should be on eHarmony. Not every guy should be on Tinder. Before you join, ask yourself what your goals are. Do you want to test the dating waters without getting serious? Do you want to get married? Or would you like to find a girlfriend/ boyfriend for companionship? Different sites and apps offer different experiences, so be sure to research first.

Be honest in your approach. So many women lie about their ages, and so many men lie about their height. They want to attract more people, but in the end when you are meeting dates in real life, they will be upset by the lie. Don’t start any relationship this way. The people who are right for you won’t let age or height be a factor, so don’t you either.

Let go of your baggage. There’s nothing more important than examining past relationships and seeing where we can get rid of old beliefs and thought patterns that aren’t serving us. Anger and fear are the two worst things to hang on to – for anyone. Go to counseling, talk with a friend, start a practice in yoga – do what it takes to help lift you beyond your current fear and anger, and into a place of greater peace before you date. It will be worth it.

Think about what you want in a relationship. It’s more important to understand how you want to feel in a relationship, rather than looking for a guy or girl who checks off those “boxes” – like being hot, or educated, or successful. These don’t matter nearly as much when you are in the relationship. Instead, think about the kind of person you’d like to spend time with.

Cultivate your own happiness and personal life. Do you enjoy travel, riding your bike, or cooking? Don’t wait for a partner to plan your next trip, or a cycling buddy before you research new biking trails, or a boyfriend before you start cooking elaborate 4-course meals. Do it for you! When you do things that make you happy, it puts you in a great headspace to attract others who are happy in their lives, too.

Judgment and dating go hand in hand. Even before online dating became so popular, singles would assess their dates based on a few traits they deemed important – like sense of humor, work ethic, kindness, or how hot they looked in a pair of jeans - to see whether or not they were worth a second date. But at least you could go on a first date knowing essentially nothing, hoping for the best. You had to deal with the element of surprise before you were allowed to judge.

Now, all of the mystery has been removed from dating. Dating websites like OkCupid allow you not only to see the profiles of potential dates and pick them apart, but you can also see ratings given by other people (that is, if you pay $10 for the premium service). If one of your matches gets two stars out of five, you’d be less likely to ask him/ her out. After all, aren’t we influenced by the opinions of others?

The more important question is: should we be so influenced, especially when it comes to meeting someone for the first time?

Dating apps like Lulu are focused solely on reviews. The app was intended to be a place where women could get feedback about potential dates before they decided to go out with them, kind of a girlfriend safety mechanism. But it is actually more like a Yelp for dating – where women rate guys according to their looks, how they behaved on a date, sense of humor, and other qualities. So if a guy receives a low score, women who check him out on Lulu would probably avoid dating him.

The problem with this rating system is two-fold. First, the numbers can be skewed. Sure, maybe the guy is a jerk and has twenty women who will agree with that assessment. Then his low rating makes sense, and other women would want to know before going out with him. However, if a guy only has a couple of reviews, and one of them is from a jilted ex, then it brings his overall score down. In fact, what’s to stop any woman from retaliation through Lulu’s rating system?

The second problem with Lulu’s system is that it disqualifies too many potential dates based on factors that might not be important to every woman. For instance, maybe a man’s sense of humor rates low because the women he’s been out with didn’t understand his quirky style. Does that mean you – his next potential date – shouldn’t go out with him? What if his sense of humor is exactly your type?

Rating systems serve a good purpose in dating as far as warning women of potentially bad dates. But if you base whether or not to take a chance on someone solely on a rating system, you are severely limiting your options. Because you never know who the right guy for you is until you actually meet him.

Just when you thought you had enough things to worry about in your love life, here’s another: your sense of humor. And not just whether or not you have one, but what your specific taste in funny says about your personality.

The fine folks over at eHarmony found that both men and women report that a great sense of humor is the most important thing they are looking for in their match. “Women’s ratings of a man’s humor was significantly associated with their ratings of the man’s intelligence and warmth, showing that women see funny men as more intelligent, positive, and upbeat,” a blog post on the subject said. Men, on the other hand, use humor as a tactic of competing with one another in hopes of catching the eye of a romantic interest.

Looking deeper, researchers identified 4 different types of humor: affiliative, self-defeating, self-enhancing, and aggressive. Each has unique characteristics:

• Affiliative: When people think “sense of humor,” this is what they’re thinking of. Affiliative humor involves telling jokes and making funny comments that are not at the expense of anyone. This type of humor is used to nurture relationships between people, to bring groups together, and to create a light-hearted, entertaining atmosphere.
• Self-defeating: People with the self-defeating humor type amuse others at their own expense. They make themselves the butt of their own jokes in order to gain approval from others (and they’ll even laugh along when others put them down).
• Self-enhancing: Those who use self-enhancing humor find the funny in everything, and typically deal with challenges by looking on the bright side. Self-enhancing humor can be used as a method of coping with adversity, to prevent negative emotions from taking over.
• Aggressive: The name says it all. Aggressive humor can include teasing, sarcasm, making fun of others or putting others down. It’s a hurtful kind of humor used to manipulate and alienate others. People who use aggressive humor can often have trouble holding back from saying things they find funny, even if they’re insensitive.

We each use all four types of humor in combination, but probably have a preference for one or two. Based on researchers’ findings, what that preference is could say something about your personality:

• People who use any affiliative, self-enhancing, and aggressive humor more were found to be significantly more intelligent.
• Affiliative humor users were also found to be significantly more secure in their relationships, value their friendships more, and be less athletic.
• Users of self-enhancing humor were found to be significantly happier in general than those who don’t use this type very often. They were found to be more confident in themselves, to feel more fortunate, and to be more satisfied with themselves overall.
• Individuals who use self-defeating humor are more likely to develop close relationships with others and are not afraid to show their true selves. However, they were also found to be significantly more anxious, depressed, and neurotic, as well as less confident in their own physical attractiveness.
• Aggressive humor users are significantly less kind and caring, more neurotic, more bossy and dominating, less confident in their physical attractiveness, and less likely to want a close relationship with their partner. They may also be more intelligent and more interested in sex, but the cons outweigh the pros in this case.

For more on the dating site which conducted this study you can read our review of eHarmony.

Let’s face it, most of us have a phone in our hands a majority of the day, and during that time, our faces are buried in text messages, emails, Facebook, Instagram, or in apps to get us home or to the restaurant to meet friends. But can we disconnect long enough to connect with someone else in real life?

When I go out with my friends, I make a conscious effort to leave my phone in my purse, to turn off the ringer, to have a conversation that doesn’t include constant distraction. And it can be hard – especially if I’m expecting an email or text from work, or I want to check in with Twitter or Facebook. But as I read recently, the most important thing we can do in our lives is to create memories. And how can we create memories if we’re constantly distracted and bringing ourselves out of the present moment?

It’s the same with dating. It’s hard enough to connect with a stranger romantically, but when you add the distraction of cell phones to the mix, it’s even harder. Instead of becoming attached to your phone – for safety, for preventing social awkwardness, or for distraction – try putting it away and taking things one moment at a time – concentrating on what’s right in front of you.

Following are some tips when it comes to smartphones and dating:

Decide to be present. Sometimes emergencies crop up, but that doesn’t mean you keep your cell phone out and ready to pick up on the first ring during your date. If you’re expecting a call from your boss or a family member, knowing you’ll be spending the evening worrying or waiting, then why not postpone to a better night? Give your date a real chance by being fully present.

No photos. Maybe you’re addicted to Instagram and can’t help but take pictures of the cocktail you’re drinking or perhaps the gorgeous pasta dish in front of you. Resist this compulsion on a first date. Really, your food will taste better and you won’t be distracted with all the posting. Not every moment has to be documented.

No play-by-play on Twitter. I know some people who like to keep a record of their dates for the public to see, or who have to check their feeds every few minutes. But honestly, Twitter and Facebook can wait until after your date is over. Besides, if you write something bad about your date, assume he will see it – either on your phone or on your feed. Is that really how you want to conduct your dating life?

Text your date after the fact. If you had a good time, let him know! If not, tell him thanks but you’re just not a match. It shows you are courteous, which is a real plus when it comes to dating.

Most singles might agree: we’ve become Tinder-obsessed lately. It’s so easy to flip through photos, rejecting and accepting as many people as possible. It’s become a bit of a sport, or an old game of hot-or-not.

Needless to say, while some people have found true love over apps like Tinder, the majority are still finding it hard to meet people and go on a real date. There seems to be too much choice, too many options for meeting new people. Few daters are focusing on finding a relationship or even dating one person because there are so many options out there.

Studies have shown that people are not great at dealing with too many options. In scientific terms, they become "cognitively overwhelmed." In other words, the more men or women there are to choose from, the harder it can be to pick just one. Kind of like going to a grocery store and choosing from 100 different types of chocolate. How do you really make a good decision about what to purchase?

Fortunately, a new crop of dating apps are addressing this dilemma by trying to give singles what they really want – a more manageable way to date, rather than more options.

CoffeeMeetsBagel is one such app, offering its members one match per day (every day at noon), and you have twenty-four hours to decide if this person is right for you. Matches are chosen based on your Facebook networks, so they are also on better behavior than those you could meet over Tinder and who have no accountability.

Hinge is another such app, offering anywhere from seven to fifteen matches per day to its users, depending on how many Facebook friends you invite to join. It works kind of like a referral service, but since you only get a limited number of matches, you have time to really consider your options and likely accept more dates. Plus, you have to have a friend on Hinge to be able to join, and both your first and last name are visible to your matches. So again, there is some accountability because of your Facebook networks – bad behavior isn’t going to be easily forgotten.

This less-is-more strategy also helps daters in terms of communication. Guys aren’t cutting-and-pasting mass emails to send to as many women as possible on the more selective apps, nor are women receiving many unwanted sexual advances from random guys. It is more of a formal approach, and one that is slow and deliberate.

Are apps like Hinge or CoffeeMeetsBagel for everyone? Maybe not, but if you’re a guy looking to meet women, these are the apps females are more likely to check out and join.