Dating

Sometimes it seems like there are more people claiming to be experts on dating than there are actual people dating.

(Do I fit into that category? Don’t answer that. Let me retain my illusions of usefulness.)

Most of them are probably hacks making things up or regurgitating tired advice they read in Cosmo, but a few - a special few - are genuine experts who deserve their guru status. And few fit that description better than Christian Rudder, the data whiz behind OkCupid’s legendary OkTrends blog and recent author of a piece in The Guardian.

“I have led OkCupid’s analytics team since 2009, and my job is to make sense of the data our users create,” Rudder writes. “As people bring technology deeper and deeper into their lives, it can show us profound and ridiculous things about who we are as human beings.”

Anyone else loving the sound of “profound and ridiculous” as much as I am? I have to know: what exactly does OkCupid know that we normal folks don’t? Rudder was kind enough to offer a few examples:

1. Women have a sensible approach to ageing. You wouldn’t know it from watching The Real Housewives, but apparently women are actually pretty down-to-earth about the ageing process. At least where choosing a partner is concerned. On the whole, at every stage of her life, a woman prefers a man who is roughly as old as she is. On the other hand…
2. Men get older, but they don’t really grow up. It sounds like a tired stereotype, but in this case it seems to be true. Whether men are in their 20s, 30s, 40s - or even at 50 - they strongly prefer women in their early 20s. 20 and 21 are the most favored ages, though a few men are willing to go as high as 23 or 24. Yikes.
3. White people are really obsessed with their hair. After looking at 3.2 billion words of profile text, Rudder found that the top five phrases for white men and women include multiple references to their hair (plus prog-rock and outdoor activities). For other large racial and ethnic groups on OkCupid, hair is rarely a topic of discussion. For example:

• Black men: dreads, Jill Scott, Haitian, soca, neo soul
• Latino men: Colombian, salsa merengue, cumbia, una, merengue bachata
• Asian men: tall for an Asian, Asians, Taiwanese, Taiwan, Cantonese

For more dating secrets from OkCupid's resident data expert, stay tuned for Part II and check out Dataclysm: Who We Are (When We Think No One’s Looking).

Most daters gravitate towards what they know when they are meeting potential dates – like those with the same education, socio-economic or religious background. But others are looking to “date upwards,” at least according to websites like SeekingArrangements and SugarDaddie.com.

Money - when it comes to dating - has long been a touchy subject. Men sometimes resent the fact that they are expected to pay for dates, or that some women seem to be gold-diggers looking for someone to take care of them. On the other hand, many women get annoyed by this perception/ stereotype. Some women feel a lack of romance and courting in the current dating environment – wondering why don’t men put a little effort into planning and the pursuit.

Both of these arguments are valid by those who experience such frustration, but not true for everyone.

Brandon Wade, the founder of SeekingArrangments, makes his own argument via an article he penned on CNN.com - that a traditional relationship made by chance meeting and falling in love is not really a viable option. He claims that this doesn’t happen for most people. For men like him who are shy and uneasy around women, there aren’t many options, let alone serendipitous chance meetings. But that changes when you have money, he argues.

He’s not wrong. Plenty of women – and men – are more than willing to take a second look at a potential date if he or she is willing to pay for five-star restaurants or a weekend at a luxe hotel. There’s something very attractive about success and money, and Brandon Wade is quick to point this out: “love is a concept invented by poor people.”

Wade has a rather cynical view of dating, approaching people like he would a business deal where everything is about economic leverage and perceived value. He claims guys like him don’t really have a shot at love unless they can offer something of value that's tangible (like money or lifestyle) to their dates.

He dismisses the more progressive viewpoints of dating and relationships that value gender equality, saying: “Feminists argue that sugaring [men paying for women to date them] reverts women to a submissive, "codependent" lifestyle. But the reality is, we are leveling the playing field. There is no room for feminism in traditional relationships as defined by society. A new generation of independent, strong-willed women has cropped up while society is simultaneously raising boys who fail to ever reach their full potential.”

But how is it that these boys are actually "growing into men" when the only way they feel they can “level the playing field” is by paying for their right to play in the first place?

Some argue that sites like SeekingArrangements are really just an online form of prostitution. But sugar daddy sites obviously have a market and a demand, and people willing to pay and be paid, otherwise they wouldn’t exist.

But giving into Wade's pessimism about dating and relationships only sets us back further. Instead of paying for what you think you deserve, why not try a different approach?

Flirting and kindness never hurt anyone, and have gotten most people a date from time to time. Most people aren't looking for a paycheck - they are looking for love.

To find our complete list of comparable dating services you can check out our Sugar Daddy category.

Let’s be honest, we all have our types when it comes to love. Maybe we’ve always been drawn to the dark-haired, tattooed, sexy-in-a-mysterious way kind of guy who makes us swoon when he smiles. Or maybe we go for the athletic type, with bulging muscles and a six-pack. Or maybe the geeky guy who is obsessed with the latest video game is the kind who rocks your world.

Whatever the case, you gravitate to those you find attractive. We are all guilty of this, including men. How many of our guy friends only go for women with a certain body type, hair color, or age?

Physical attraction is primal, and it’s a part of all of us. So of course it is a big part of dating. After all, you want a sexual relationship with someone you’re excited about, right? But what if going for your “type” isn’t serving you anymore? What if you are making assumptions about what might turn you on?

Here are four reasons you keep going for the same type:

It’s familiar. We like to keep doing what we know, because it makes us feel safe. This includes who we date. If you know what to expect when you date the same type of guy – whether you’re attracted to his physical body type, his ambition, his charm – you are essentially relegating yourself to the same role. Break out of this by dating someone different, who forces you to play a different role. Then you find out more about who you really want.

He reminds you of your ex. Are you still mourning over a break-up? If you keep looking for an ex replacement, you might want to take some time off and re-evaluate things. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break, so if you need time to heal so you can move on, take it.

You aren’t looking for a relationship, but a trophy or validation. If we feel we are lacking – physically, financially, emotionally, whatever – we tend to look for someone who has what we don’t. This works against you, because you’re not looking for a relationship so much as validation from others. Let go of trying to impress, and focus on what makes you happy instead.

You think this man will be different. I know many women who take on “projects” for relationships. That is, if a man meets some criteria but not all, these women feel that they can help “fix” them. These men just need a little help. This is a mistake. Nobody has control over another person, and this will only lead you both to an unhappy relationship. We must embrace each other for who we are, or we should move on.

I read this great article in Mind Body Green, listing 10 inspired rules about dating garnered from the author's yoga practice.

While I love a good yoga session, I'm not quite as versed on the yoga sutras as he was. But still...there is something to be said for how yoga can improve your outlook, attitude, and overall well-being, "on and off the mat" as my yoga instructor says, even if you don't know all the Sanskrit terminology. Because the most important thing a good yoga practice teaches us is to turn inward.

With this in mind, I've put together my own top 5 list of what yoga has taught me about dating:

Just breathe.

Nothing is more important in yoga than breathing. It is the essence of life. It also is a way we can allow ourselves to calm down, be present, and turn that constant stream of mind chatter off so we are more in tune with our mind and body. This is helpful on a date because often we are worrying about what he's thinking, projecting our desires onto our dates, or otherwise not enjoying the moment. Just remember to breathe.

Pay attention to your movements.

We don't always realize how we come across to others, especially if we're busy, stressed, or otherwise not in the mood for connecting. Or we might be so nervous we don't realize our dates can see this. Approach your date with kindness and an open mind, ready to learn something new, and you'll both have a better time.

Trust your instincts.

You know yourself better than anyone. If something doesn't feel right, pay attention. If a relationship isn't working out, if he's not respecting you, if she is non-committal, then trust your inner voice enough to walk away.

Some of your muscles are tighter than others.

We all have weaknesses when it comes to dating, just like some muscles or joints in our bodies are weaker than others. We must take care of these places, but we also must try to open them up, work out the kinks, which can be uncomfortable. When you keep pushing forward gently, paying attention to the weak spots and nurturing yourself through, you move forward in your practice---just like in life.

Take a few risks.

Are you afraid to do a headstand, or frog pose? There are some parts of yoga that seem intimidating, and that's okay. When you push yourself to try a pose you don't like (provided you're not injuring yourself), you will undoubtedly feel better than sitting it out because you're scared. When you take a few safe risks on the mat, you're more willing to put yourself out there in life.

Ever wanted to get inside the minds of thousands of daters to see what makes everyone tick? Maybe that seems cool, or maybe you’d rather sit in a dentist’s chair for five hours, but either way – it does make you curious.

So it’s no surprise that OkCupid Co-Founder Christian Rudder has decided to harness the power of OkCupid’s user data and create a book that piques our curiosity. After all, we all watched with fascination as the dating site’s blog OkTrends revealed its latest research, informing us of what types of people we are attracted to, we’re doing wrong in our online dating profiles, or how to effectively message other users. Rudder found interesting trends in the details, helping us ask questions we didn’t even know to ask. For instance, why does the angle of the camera matter in a photo, or how you smile? Why is it preferable to write a less descriptive profile? Why is it more attractive to have a guitar in your hand than a tennis racket, or possess an unusually-shaped nose than to be considered average-looking? Or the million-dollar question: what do people lie about the most when they are online dating?

OkCupid has given us the sometimes surprising preferences of online daters, based on all of the data they mine from their thousands of users. Because of the site’s format of creative questions and answers, it’s allowed them to dig deeper than most.

OkTrends has been on hiatus since 2011, when Rudder started taking the information to compile it into a book, rather than just posting the information for free on their website. Rudder’s new book is called Dataclysm: Who We Are (When We Think No One’s Looking), which comes out on Sept. 9 and examines interactions for insights into whom and how we date.

For one of Dataclysm’s studies, Rudder analyzed how men and women approach attraction. It turns out that as women get older, they like older men. Men, on the other hand, consistently prefer younger and younger women. Men will message women close to their own age, but only up to a point. For example, men in their mid-40s rarely talk to women older than 30. “We have a lot of serial daters on the site—men who just keep dating women 10 years younger than they are,” Rudder told Business Week in a recent interview. “Eventually their tactics start to fail, and the young ladies they’re messaging begin rejecting them. The result is a lot of 40-year-old men and women who find it hard to get a date.”

OkCupid isn’t worried about user backlash for mining their personal data. Rudder recently wrote a post to address this issue, pointing out that all websites experiment on users, admitting that OkCupid once tested its matchmaking algorithm by telling users who were not suited for each other that they were a near-perfect match. “We got maybe five complaints,” Rudder told Business Week.

Since OkCupid users don’t pay for the site or its advice, does Rudder have an audience willing to buy his book? We’ll have to wait and see.

Check out our review of OkCupid for more information on this popular dating site.

For the single women reading, how many lewd messages have you received on OkCupid in the past month? How many guys have stalked you over Tinder? If you answer “too many” for either one, you might be ready for a new kind of dating app called Siren.

Siren is an alternative to the typical dating apps like Tinder, where many men swipe right to have more women in their cue - meaning, they play the numbers. They make the first move, often approaching women in a way that makes them feel pressured, uncomfortable, or just plain creeped out. It’s become a kind of risky game for some women, where they aren’t sure if they will meet someone and feel safe. If they don’t, the whole dating app experience becomes tainted.