Advice

Alex Williamson knows a thing or two about dating. The 28-year-old joined the Bumble team a few months before launch, and is now the app’s director of creative marketing and brand copywriter. If you’ve seen Bumble’s viral response to a finance bro (also known as "The Connor Letter”), you’ve seen Williamson’s work.

Refinery29 recently sat down with Williamson to get an insider’s perspective on the online dating industry. She shared what she’s learned working behind the scenes at one of the world’s most popular dating apps, offering advice on how to write a bio, how to choose a profile picture, how to identify red flags, and more. Her top tips include:

As online dating continues to spread around the world, scholars and scientists continue to investigate the practice. What makes an online dater successful? What makes the perfect profile? Is the perfect profile even achievable? What traits make singles more likely to find love online?

These are the questions asked by a new study published in the National Communication Association's journal Communication Monographs. The study looked at how specific types of content in online dating profiles affected viewers’ impressions and actions, and found that humility is key to online dating success.

“Online daters construct their profiles to attract potential partners and viewers’ assessments are based on the content of dating profiles,” explains the study. “However, little is known about the mechanisms or nature of the associations that connect variations in profile content to outcomes.”

Have you ever “touched up” one of your Tinder profile photos? Maybe you wanted to look more vibrant, or erase a double chin or receding hairline. If you have, you’re not alone.

Meitu, a popular photo retouching app, surveyed 250 online daters to find out their photo retouching practices, and to see how honestly people are presenting themselves to potential matches. Not surprisingly, they found a considerable portion of the respondents does retouch - 33% of women had retouched their photos and 20% of men had retouched theirs.

While it’s no secret that people optimize photos (look at all the filters on Instagram), it is interesting that this follows a trend in online dating where people have historically posted misleading images of themselves – either by using old photos from 10 years ago at a time when they were thinner or had more hair, or by Photoshopping  their “flaws,” like skin blemishes.

Along these lines, the survey found that 47 percent of men and 27 percent of women have encountered a first date who looked nothing like their profile image, feeding into the stereotype that many people lie about themselves to seem more attractive.

But what does it mean when someone admits to photo retouching? Is there a difference in perception between online daters who do a few touch-ups to enhance their features, compared to severely altering their images? Turns out, there is a difference.

Most survey respondents who admitted to photo retouching did only slight tweaks, such as blemish removal (44 percent of women and 28 percent of men), teeth whitening (18 percent women, 16 percent men), or lightening and darkening of skin tone (28 percent women, 20% men). For all categories, women seemed to do more tweaking in general than men. But the vast majority of both women and men said that some light retouching is fine with them (71 percent of women and 65 percent of men).

Most survey respondents agreed that more severe retouching, such as reshaping faces and body outlines is not okay. Ninety-eight percent of women and 91 percent of men don’t think it’s fine to retouch an image more than slightly.

In summary, avoid surprises on your first date by keeping photo edits simple and natural. Getting rid of that random pimple, adding a little color to your pre-summer skin, or brightening your smile is all good. But avoid anything that’s going to make you look like a different you!

Meitu surveyed men and women between the ages of 18-34 who had used online dating sites or mobile dating apps. 

Many people are hesitant to try online dating, and it’s no surprise. Setting up a profile, messaging, meeting new people, making conversation, and trying to find connection can be a daunting (and time-consuming) process.

Even though meeting people online is extremely popular now with date-friendly apps like Tinder, the process can feel overwhelming or scary for the uninitiated. Or for those who have burned out from online dating, they might not want to go back to it. As a result, many people talk themselves out of online dating altogether – claiming they just aren’t ready to start meeting people. But is there something else going on?

Online dating can feel scary, especially if you are uncomfortable with dating in general or tend to be introverted or shy. You probably hear advice like “put yourself out there,” or “you have to meet a lot of people before you find the one.”

This is scary advice for someone who isn’t very social, or feels uncomfortable in social situations. It’s easy to advise singles that they need to put more effort into their searches, but what exactly does this look like for someone who hates networking events or bars, or feels uncomfortable making conversation?

Sometimes, we make excuses because we are afraid to face our fears. But let’s be honest – in order to find a great relationship, you have to be somewhat social. You have to talk to new people, or at least try to meet them, which is exhausting or even terrifying for introverts.

The key is taking baby steps, and to ease the pressure on yourself to find someone great. There’s no magic formula (contrary to what some dating experts say), so don’t assume that saying the right things or acting in a way that doesn’t feel authentic to you is the only way you’ll be successful. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Following are three small steps you can take today to ease you into dating with a little more confidence:

Set small social goals. It’s good to practise your social skills, even if you aren’t looking for a date. Attend a networking event that you normally would decline. Make a promise to yourself to talk to at least two people before you leave. When you achieve these small goals, you start to feel more comfortable when you date, especially with the initial small talk.

Enlist a friend’s help. Kind of like joining a running group to motivate you in training for a marathon, online dating with a buddy can help jumpstart your dating life. You can check in with each other to reach out to more people and try to set up a couple of dates a week. If that feels too much to you, then try one date a week. Go at your own pace – this isn’t a race.

Remember, it’s just a conversation. Online dating can feel very “official,” like you are both being judged and interviewed. You both know why you are meeting, so there is a pressure to form a connection. But remove yourself from that mindset for a moment. In order to actually form a connection, you can’t be scrutinizing everything. It’s important to be fully present in the moment. Take the pressure off yourself with the reminder that you are just having a conversation – nothing more or less. And then see where it goes.

Take care of yourself. Online dating can take a lot of energy, so it's especially important for introverts to replenish. Make time to do things you love - sports, painting, horseback riding, etc. Spend some time alone when you need to recharge. Know what works for you so you can feel your best when you're on a date.

Imagine you're a recent college graduate. You're excited, nervous, naïve, courageous. The whole world is in front of you, waiting to be explored.

Then reality sets in. Leaving college means finding a job, owing rent, dealing with health insurance, and paying off student loans. Before long, you're daydreaming about the blissful days before the cap and gown.

Sound familiar? Online dating can be a similar experience. You sign up with all the excitement and naivete of that new college grad, but over time you become disillusioned. Messages go unanswered. Mutual matches aren't made. Dates are postponed and canceled. What good is online dating if you aren't actually going on dates?

There may be very real reasons you're not getting the dates you hoped for – some obvious, others more obscure. Before you give up on it for good, take a look at these 5 reasons online dating might not be working for you.

1. You're not ready for it. If your last relationship is still fresh in your mind, it may be too soon to jump into online dating. It's unhealthy to start something new before you've healed from the old, despite what they say about getting back on the horse. Take time off to focus on yourself and feel solid in your singlehood, then try online dating again.
2. You're just going through the motions. Maybe everyone you know is on Tinder, so you decided to get Tinder. Or maybe all your closest friends are in serious relationships, so you feel pressured to settle down. Neither of those is a good reason to join an online dating service. If you're doing it because you think you have to, not because you want to, dates can tell that your heart isn't in it. Instant attraction killer.
3. You're not trying hard enough. No one wants to look desperate, but putting in zero effort is not the answer. Think Goldilocks – not too much, not too little, just right. An empty profile is a turn-off. One blurry bathroom selfie doesn't cut it. And if your idea of a smooth opening line is “hey,” you're in for a rude awakening.
4. You're unapproachable. Your dating profile should be inviting, not alarming. If you're writing a laundry list of things you don't like, don't want, and won't stand for, prospective dates will be scared away. Instead of focusing on the negatives, write about what you do like and are looking for. Just be careful that you don't veer into totally unrealistic territory, or you'll make yourself unapproachable in a different way.
5. You're hiding your real self. You want to craft the perfect profile, but it's pointless if your idea of “perfect” doesn't match who you really are. Let your real self shine through, even the bits you think are geeky or weird. The right partner will be more attracted to that profile than the sanitized version you thought you should write.

Maybe you’ve heard the statistics, but if not – pay attention, and turn on your spell check. Correct grammar usage and spelling goes a long way when you’re online dating. In fact, according to recent studies by online dating site Match, bad grammar is one of the biggest turn-offs for men and women – a close second behind poor hygiene.

In other words, make sure you know the difference between "your" and "you’re" before you message a potential match.

Website Grammerly did its own collection of data regarding dating and grammar usage, and came up with some interesting findings. As it turns out, people aren’t only aware of grammar mistakes – they pay attention to the specific words you use, too. Some terms are more attractive than others when you’re writing messages or an online dating profile.

For instance, men who use the word “women” rather than “girls” in their messaging are 28% more successful at getting responses. And those who use the word “whom” correctly do even better – they are 31% more successful than those who use it incorrectly.

Men are a little easier on women overall, but there are certain phrases they don’t like. When women use the words “divorce,” “separate,” or “my ex” they receive 4% fewer messages than those who don’t. (So maybe save your dating histories for the actual date, ladies.)

Spelling can be a big deal too, at least for women. Guys – if you have just two spelling errors in your profile, you reduce your chances of a response by 14%. As for the ladies? Men just aren’t so picky – spelling errors don’t affect their chances of getting a response. (Which may explain why women make nearly twice as many spelling, grammar and punctuation mistakes in their messages and profiles than men---it doesn’t seem to matter as much!)

Some other fun stats:

• According to OkCupid, women receive 17 times as many messages as men – which may explain why they can be picky, but don’t have to watch their spelling and grammar mistakes.
• Both men and women rate grammar as more important than confidence in online dating.
• Eighty-eight percent of women judge their dates’ grammar mistakes, compared to 84% who judge their dates by their level of confidence. For men, it was 75% and 69% respectively.
• Men use 21.9% more words than women do in their responses to questions                regarding their online dating profiles.
• Roughly 11% of American adults (24  million people) have used an online dating site or app

Bottom line: check your messages before you hit “send” – it could make a huge difference in your online dating success.