RewardingLove.com, a New Online Matchmaking Site

RewardingLove, a new online dating site with an exciting new matching system has launched, and they promise that they've resolved all the things that online daters complain about when it comes to dating. (And for a limited time, subscriptions are free so you can decide for yourself!)

I was able to sit down with the psychologist couple, the Drs. Bob & Alla Gordon, to discuss the site, its matching system, and what makes it different from everything else that's out there for singles. But first, here are the quick facts about the site:

ABOUT THE SITE

RewardingLove wants to be held to the highest standard by their members, so they're doing things to ensure their singles are treated well and given the best experience possible. To this end, they've eliminated some of the annoyances of other dating sites.

No Ads: There are no advertisements on the RewardingLove site outside of optional profile writing services and optional identity verification services.

No Matches with Non-Paying Members: One of the biggest complaints people have about online dating sites is getting matched with someone who is either a non-paying member (who has a profile but can't read or reply to emails) or someone who is an inactive member. On RewardingLove, only members who have logged on to the web site within the previous seven days will be included in the current day's matching process.

No Matches with Inactive Members: Actively participating members will have 'Active Member' status clearly displayed in their profiles. Members are considered 'inactive' after 14 days without a login, and their status will display how long they've been inactive. This helps members decide who to spend their time on. If a member returns after two weeks, they will still have the matches they were sent from back when they were active within one week.

No One-Liner Profiles: RewardingLove requires at least one recent photo and completed "About Me" text before a profile is included in the matching system. Each profile is thoroughly reviewed and must be approved by the RewardingLove Quality Assurance team before entering the matching database. Members can post up to 10 photos. In the future, optional video introductions may be allowed as well.

Pause Feature: A member can "pause" their account at any time and return whenever they wish to receive their remaining matches. This is a good feature to use if you're currently seeing someone and want to see if it pans out into something serious or not.

Payment for Results: Unlike other sites, your subscription won't run out in a month with you having only seen three possible mates. If it takes the system six months to match you with 100 people, then you've paid $9.99 for six months of online dating. The billing is by matches, no matter how long it takes you to receive them.

$9.99 for 100 matches - For a limited time, the 100 match subscription package will be offered free!
$19.99 for 250 matches
$39.99 for 600 matches

No Auto-Billing: RewardingLove also does not use recurring or automatic billing. As an Ethics teacher, Bob sees this as a deceptive practice rather than a "convenience" as other sites put it. When your receive the last match of your paid bundle, you get 10 days free to wrap up any communications you are having and (hopefully) take them into the real world. If you decide not to renew, your account is resigned and taken out of the system.

ABOUT THE DOCTORS

Robert M. Gordon is a Diplomate of Clinical Psychology and a Diplomate of Psychoanalysis in Psychology, as well as Fellow of the Division of Psychoanalysis, and served on the governing council of the American Psychological Association. He was president of the Pennsylvania Psychological Association and received its Distinguished Service Award. He authored many scholarly articles and books in the areas of psychotherapy, relationships, forensic psychology, ethics, the MMPI-2 and love relations. He has a private practice in Allentown, Pennsylvania.

Alla Gordon will complete her Psy.D. psychology program this august from Widener university and will be starting her psychoanalytic training in the fall. She previously earned M.S. in Statistics from Rutgers University, M.S. degree in Mathematics from Novosibirsk State University (Russia) and B.A. in piano (Russia).

THE QUESTIONNAIRE

e: How did you approach the creation of the site's questionnaire?

Bob: Many online assessments are based on personality traits, beliefs, values, goals and desires. Assessments are helpful in filtering out people that you do not want to meet and finding desirable people you might want to meet. Assessments are also helpful in finding someone with whom you might have compatibility (which is the best predictor of how long a relationship lasts).

However, these assessments do not work well when it comes to chemistry, or romantic love. Romantic love is based more on irrational unconscious determinates deep within the human mind. So the best combination is to first use the assessment to rationally find the sort of person you'd be interested in, and then you do the rest of the exploration.

It has to be based, first of all, on a good theory of love relations, next, it has to target the actual issues that have to do with compatibility and successful intimacy. The most efficient process is by filtering out people that you are not interested in and filtering in those you are interested in. You know best whom you would or would not like to meet.

You do not want to rely on "recommendations" from algorithms, which have very poor accuracy rates. They are useful to companies to sell to mass consumers, but such statistical models lose their effectiveness with individuals dealing with such complex variables such as love.

We offer filters that you control. Our methods are transparent and practical. You know what you want. In dating, you have some idea of the type of person you desire. You want a large inventory to pool from and you want information to help you decide. Online dating provides all that. And we hope to do it best.

e: So what about people who fill out tests like this with what they hope is the "right" answer?

Bob: I want to include in Rewarding Love the best methods found in the other online dating sites and also go beyond them. I want to assess both conscious criteria as well as unconscious desires. Understanding the unconscious helped me to create a better assessment. For example, almost all people will state on a survey that they are fair. However, narcissistic people feel that it is fair when they get what they want and that it is unfair for others to have needs. A narcissistic person will report the socially desirable response and state that they are fair. His or her self-description on a test would be invalid. Therefore, I wrote the questions so that socially desirable responding is minimized.

e: That's pretty neat. So it's harder to deceive yourself (and others) about your real personality.

Bob: That is the advantage of being a psychoanalyst, I understand the unconscious defense mechanisms. I worded the items for low social desirability responding. In the end, the assessment will help determine the basics of a potential relationship with your matches : friendship compatibility, sensuality issues, and how well you might get along living together.

THE MATCHING PROCESS

RewardingLove's matching process uses the results of your assessment to match you with other members. The first thing the system does is determine which members achieve a certain minimum 'threshold' of compatibility, as determined by their own answers, as well as by Dr.'s system. If this threshold is met, then it goes on to determine if the 'basics' (age, religion, etc.) also are a mutual match.

Members can review their matches' profile details - text, photos, and compatibility graphs - without any restrictions. If you like someone, click to send them a "connection request." If the interest is mutual, the match clicks to accept and communication is opened, allowing the two people to communicate without restrictions for as long as they like.

Instead of micro-managing communication like other assessment-based sites like eHarmony, RewardingLove provides a unique compatibility graph with each match. Members can learn more about each other by exploring their compatibility graphs together and learning how they may relate as a romantic couple. Members can view their graphs in "quick" or "full" mode. The compatibility graph is a dual colored bar display, unique to each match, which allows them to review how compatible they are on a large number of issues vital to a successful relationship. It gives them lots of information to discuss as they explore the possibilities.

e: How does your system deliver high quality matches?

Bob: We first use the information that you give to us to filter out individuals that you are not likely to be interested in. From the pool of potential dates, we give you specific detailed compatibility information. By reacting to photos (and, in the future, optional video) you also gain information about personality that is largely not tapped by assessments, but make up most of the factors of attraction.

e: Does it just filter from the personality test level or does it start to filter based on looks or other factors?

Bob: Our matching is based on my unified model specific to love relationships and not on broad based personality tests. I have constructed our assessment to tap only those areas relevant to satisfying intimacy. I want to keep the assessment as streamline and as valid as possible.

e: Tell me more about the Unified Model of Love's 5 levels. Why are they essential to love relationships?

Bob: The ideal of science is to bring together existing research data into one unified theory. That has been my goal and I feel that I have done this with my unified theory of love relationships. In it I bring together the findings from evolutionary psychology and anthropology, personality and trait theory, attachment and developmental psychology, psychoanalysis, social psychology and cognitive psychology.

Love and intimacy are very complex and are made of up both biological and psychological factors. The biological factors are mainly characteristic of us as a species, while the psychological factors are mainly unique to each individual.

Factor 1: Species Traits. Most of attraction is based in the primitive part of the brain that has nothing to do with lasting love.

Factor 2: Individual traits. The above is true of all humans, but the next factor in my theory is about each person's innate temperament. People are born with different temperaments and later experiences further shapes personality.

Factor 3: Relational Internalizations. We are highly influenced by our caregivers from the moment of birth and throughout our childhoods. These primary attachments become part of our personalities that have a profound affect on our capacity for healthy love and our patterns of love relationships.

Factor 4: Beliefs. Later on our religious, cultural and family beliefs become internalized and help to define who is desirable.

Factor 5: Current Context. Our current conflicts, stresses and needs can cause us to irrationally over value another. We tend to over idealize a person who appears to have valued resources or traits that may seem to solve our problems.

All five of these main factors interact and determine who and how we love. The more insight you have about all these factors, the wiser your choices, the better your problem solving and the more rewarding love you will have.

COMMUNICATION

e: Do you offer guidance regarding a member's communication with their matches?

Bob: Step 1 - Start with a polite email. Use your charm and respectfulness to reflect a style of class and manners. This is your opportunity to introduce yourself and make a positive first impression. Discuss first what you have in common as revealed on your Compatibility Graphs. Look at the practicality and plausibility of the relationship. If you are not yet ready to send an email, you can send a flirt note or a smile instead. This shows you are open to communicating, and your match might be happy to lead the way.

Step 2 - Ask, "How did your past relationships turn out? Why? What have you learned from them?" (This isn't a job interview. You are not questioning a witness. Be curious and respectful. Hint: look for openness verses defensiveness. Look for awareness and learning from normal kinds of mistakes. If you hear a lot of devaluations and stereotyping, look out. Look for a good history of healthy relationships.)

Step 3 - Only if the first two steps have led to satisfying conversations, go on to step 3. Go back to the survey results and see how you are different. Gently explore your differences and see how they might be handled. Nature programs us to fall in love. But remaining in a mutually loving relationship requires the most mature side of our personality. Maturity includes being tolerant of reasonable differences without defensiveness or rigidity. When differences are not handled well, the relationship weakens. Opposites may only attract, but they have a hard time making it work. You want the right combination of both chemistry and a good friendship.

If you are satisfied with steps 1, 2 and 3, then find more safe ways to interact and learn more. You want to find fun ways to both get pertinent information about a future partner as quickly as possible, and yet to be open to some degree of risk and exploration. Compatibility graphs allow you and your matches to deeply review your compatibility without canned questions.

When you feel you know the person enough then apply my relationship equation. The mutual degree of (attraction + friendship + commitment) must be far greater than (egocentricity + hostility + defensiveness) for a healthy intimacy. I call that Gordon's Formula.

e: How do you plug in things to the formula?

Alla: We do this by the items from the survey, but also we ask individuals to think about it psychologically.

e: So members are going to be asked to do a little more than just assume a match is a match? Dig a little deeper?

Alla: All such surveys at best only tell us about 30% of what is going on; it does help filter out a large number of people. The next step is largely unconscious factors, such as chemistry that no one can predict. We are here to guide people by offering advice through those stages.

e: How would they access that advice?

Alla: My husband and I will have advice blogs as well as voice files/audio clips and helpful text.

e: Will members be able to send in questions?

Bob: Yes, to Alla or me. Some might want a woman's point of view, other might want a man's point of view. or some want to know how a couple of psychologists work out their problems

e: Speaking of a psychologist couple... how does your individual training help strengthen your relationship? How does being a happily married psychologist couple help you advise singles and bring them together?

Alla: My husband is a PhD psychologist and psychoanalyst with a background in research and social psychology. I just got my PsyD in psychology; I will be going on for another 5 years for my psychoanalytic training, that helps me understand people not only on conscious level but also on unconscious level.

As far as our relationship, we are not defensive, so we know ourselves and do not lie about our personal issues and how they affect our relationship; this help us resolve our issues quicker and more completely.

e: How does that help in the beginning stages though, when people are still in that honeymoon period of getting to know someone?

Alla: Most people are not so self-aware and they fall into infatuation, they ignore all the red flags until later in a relationship, when the problems are evident. We hope to advise people on what to look for before starting a relationship. For example, egocentricity, hostility and defensiveness. These are what we call the relationship killers, most other problems are tolerable.

e: As far as the filtering goes... let's say that someone is great as far as personality and test results go, but you're not interested in them based on their physical appearance... Does a lack of interest or ignoring a match affect the chances of receiving a good matching person in the future? (Or is there a way of saying "I'm not physically attracted to this person?")

Bob: We use 'connection requests' to initiate contact between matches. There is no obligation to accept the connection request if you are not interested in communicating with a particular match for any reason. No, it won't affect your match quality in the future. The compatibility score and attraction are two separate things. The system doesn't tell matches WHY their connection request was not accepted. Our system helps members use their time efficiently by communicating with matches when the interest is mutual.

PAY FOR MATCHES, NOT FOR TIME

At this point, members will only be able to see the profiles of people they have been matched with by the system. Each profile is thoroughly reviewed and must be approved by the RewardingLove Quality Assurance team before entering the site's matching system. An optional search engine will be added to the site eventually, but it is not part of the features at launch. Once implemented, if members want to use the search engine, they will have to tag their own profile as searchable. This will allow members to remain privately matched should they choose.

Subscriptions are not based on time, they are based on results. Instead of monthly fees, subscribers are entitled to a package of matches for one price. Promotional subscription packages start as low as $10 for 100 matches. Subscriptions last until you have received the total number of matches you have purchased, based on your specifications and our system, plus 10 additional free days to use for more communication time with your matches within the site's secure environment.

To encourage review of matches, members can earn additional free matches by reviewing their matches in a timely manner.

TAKE A LOOK!

If you're single, take a look at RewardingLove. It's definitely a new way to think about online dating, and since it's free for the charter members, you don't have anything to lose. Sign up for your account today and you'll be guaranteed 100 matches before you have to pay a penny. Come back in a few months and tell me how it's working for you!