Contributed by: ElyseRomano on Monday, October 31 2011 @ 09:18 am
Last modified on
Let it be known: I am not a big fan of online dating. Yes, at least one of my best friends found her fabulous fiancé online. And if you live in a small town, or fit a specific demographic (e.g., woman over 45, ultra-busy businessperson, sugar daddy, sneaking around your spouse), online dating may expand opportunities for you. But for the rest of us, we're much better off meeting real live humans eye-to-eye the way nature intended.
Let it be known: unlike Dr. Ali Binazir, who wrote that introduction in an article called " Six Dangers of Online Dating[*1] ," I am a fan of online dating, and I hope that the potential pitfalls of looking for love online don't scare curious daters away. I do, however, think Dr. Binazir's advice offers valuable guidance for anyone who wants to approach online dating in a savvy, well-informed way. Here are more of the doctor's wise words for the discerning dater:
Online dating sites present an unhelpful wealth of options.
"More choice actually makes us more miserable." That is the theory behind Barry Schwartz's 2003 book The Paradox of Choice: Why Less is More. Online dating sites, Binazir argues, offer too much choice, which actually makes online daters less likely to find a match. Picking a partner out of a few options is easy, but picking one out of thousands is nearly impossible. Too many options also increases the likelihood that daters will second-guess themselves, and lessen their chances of finding happiness by constantly questioning whether or not they made the right decision.
People are more likely to engage in rude behavior online.
The minute people are hidden behind anonymous screen names, accountability disappears and "people have no compunctions about flaming one another with scathing remarks that they would never dare deliver in person." Face-to-face behavior is governed by mirror neurons that allow us to feel another person's emotional state, but online interactions don't activate the process that creates compassion. As a result, it's easy ignore or rudely respond to a message that someone devoted a significant amount of time, effort, and emotion to in hopes of sparking your interest. Over time, this constant, thoughtless rejection can take a serious emotional toll.
There is little accountability online for antisocial behavior.
When we meet someone through our social network, via a friend, family member, or co-worker, they come with our acquaintance's stamp of approval. "That social accountability," Binazir writes, "reduces the chances of their being axe murderers or other ungentlemanly tendencies." In the wild, untamed lands of online dating, where you're unlikely to have a connection to anyone you meet, anything goes. For safety's sake, and to increase the chance of meeting someone you're actually compatible with, it may be wiser to got out with people who have been vetted by your social circle.
Ultimately, Dr. Binazir offers great advice - but it's not a reason to avoid online dating altogether. Take his words to heart, wise up, and approach online love as a concerned, conscious, and well-informed dater.
Related Story: Online Dating: A Dissenting View