Friendship

What is your usual Friday or Saturday night routine? Do you prefer going out with your girlfriends to a downtown bar or club? I have to admit, it was fun to hang out with my friends when I was single. We would laugh, swap stories, drink cocktails, and I felt like I was part of something cool, that my life was like a less expensive version of Sex and the City. Except for some reason, most guys didn't approach us.

Sometimes there were a few brave souls in my group who would venture over to strike up a conversation with a man and his friends at the bar, inviting them to come join us or swapping numbers or Facebook names with their mobiles. But most of the time, we sat in our little circle, looking around at the crowd and wondering who would approach.

This was not an effective way of meeting men, obviously. I never thought about how intimidating it might be for a single guy to approach a woman with her friends surrounding her. Friends can be a ruthless, judgmental bunch. Who would want to deal with that?

I learned over time that the most effective way to meet men when you're out with the girls is to make yourself more approachable. Following are a few tips on how to do this.

Separate yourself from the pack. I'm not saying you should ditch your friends, but it's a good idea to wean yourself away so you're not always in a huddle together. Go up to the bar by yourself and order a drink. Take a walk around the club by yourself. More men will be open to approaching you and striking up a conversation when you're alone as opposed to with your friends. It just makes things easier.

Put your phone down. Your phone acts as a friend when you're out, as well as a security blanket. Don't let it. Instead of checking your Facebook or Twitter accounts or texting your friends who are out doing other things, try putting your phone away in a pocket or purse. Think about it: would you approach someone whose face was buried in his phone? Probably not.

Make eye contact. This one is so important. Men look for signals to approach, and the number one signal that gives them the okay is eye contact. If you look away when they catch your eye, or turn back to your group of friends, it lets him know you're not interested. So if you are, meet his gaze. Give him a smile. Show him that it is okay to approach you. Or better yet, go up and talk to him.

Many people have been going a little nuts over Internet sensations Jessica Walsh and Timothy Goodwin, two friends, colleagues, and the creators of the blog and dating project 40 Days of Dating. If you've been reading their daily posts, then you probably are dying to know - did they stay together or break-up?

Friendships that become romantic are nothing new, but we all wonder - why is it that some friends are able to overcome their worries and progress into a long-term relationship while others are left feeling awkward and resentful of each other? As it turns out, we can watch exactly how one such friendship plays out.

The couple set the website up as an experiment, because they were both having terrible luck at finding love. Timothy was your good old-fashioned playboy, the non-commital let's-just-have-fun type who didn't want to get serious with a woman. Jessica was of course the opposite - a hopeless romantic who fell quickly for the men she dated, which eventually left her heart-broken and wondering what went wrong.

While the set-up is generic, the day-to-day observations by each of them as they proceeded to date each other exclusively over the course of 40 days, attend therapy sessions, and blog about their feelings and experiences, are pretty engaging and enlightening. Many times, they completely misread and misunderstood each other. Many times they just wanted to cut loose and run for the hills instead of proceeding with the relationship. But because they were forced to stay and try to talk with each other, to come up with a workable solution that would last the 40 days, they found themselves confronting their demons on more than one occasion.

Their weaknesses (hers being loneliness and his being vulnerability) came out, and they weren't able to hide. This is what makes their relationship progression an interesting thing for us readers. They couldn't hide behind their masks. They had to take them off, to stand in front of each other and expose their insecurities and fears. And that makes for good Internet (and maybe a good movie---it seems they have signed with an agent).

While Jessica and Timothy have seemed to grow in their experiment and slowly trust each other enough to (maybe?) fall in love, they still have a long way to go. As with many relationships, trust and commitment aren't built overnight - it's a process of discovery, of revelation. The only way to move past the infatuation stage is to really spend time and get to know each other.

So what does this mean for friends who aren't sure whether they should date? The bigger question is: will you regret it if you don't at least give it a try?

Chances are, when you sign up for a dating site, love is your primary focus, not friendship. However, if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, there are many reasons to keep good old-fashioned friendship first and foremost in your mind.

First of all, regardless of whether you’ve had successful romantic relationships in the past, chances are you’ve had a few successful long-term friendships. The concept of making friends is something familiar to you, and thus less stressful. You have a solid idea of what you’re looking for when you’re looking for a friend, and you’re more likely to trust your gut instincts.

By primarily focusing on whatever you’d look for in a friend, you’re forcing yourself to read profiles more closely. Some tend to scan profiles and set aside only the most attractive prospects. While attraction is definitely still a factor, using a photo to form your first impression can potentially impair your judgment; for example, you might give a profile more deliberation than it deserves because the person is attractive. You won’t be able to close your eyes at the pictures entirely, but simply setting out with a different goal in mind might cause you to look at everything slightly differently.

Physical attraction, or more specifically, chemistry, is absolutely important in a romantic relationship, and one of the reasons meeting in person as soon as possible is encouraged. However, there are many factors in a successful relationship, and chemistry is just one of them. By searching for a “friend,” you’re searching for someone who has something going for them in addition to chemistry. In essence, you’re upping your chances of finding someone compatible because you’ve identified additional traits you admire or share.

Ultimately, the only way to predict physical compatibility is to meet in person. So why waste your time trying to predict it via online profiles? Perhaps you should use the time to identify potential friends, instead. The chances of finding someone with whom you’ll share a physical spark might be similar, but perhaps you’ll walk away with a few platonic friendships, as well.

Are you harboring a secret crush on your friend? When the two of you are together, do you finish each other's sentences, make each other laugh, and you feel like you could tell him anything? Well, almost anything. You've never let him know how you really feel - that you are very attracted to him. Besides, he already has a girlfriend, maybe one that you like and don't want to hurt.

But let's consider something for a moment - the act of telling him you're in love with him. Sound scary? Then let's see what is really holding you back.

When you're falling in love with a friend, it's especially hard to admit it because you don't know what will happen. You risk losing your friendship. Or if he's taken, you also risk breaking up a couple who has history together. There are no easy answers.

Even though the best idea seems to be to stay the course - keep your friendship going, pretend that you don't have feelings for him, and go about your daily routine - after a while, it will start to wear you down. Because feelings don't just go away, especially when they are never spoken aloud. They just grow bigger, along with the silence, until it becomes overwhelming.

Please keep in mind: he will sense that you love him. Feelings between friends are more transparent than you think, no matter how much you try to hide them.

While it might seem impossible, I think you owe it to yourself to be honest about your feelings, to risk losing the friendship.

One of several things could happen: the feeling isn't mutual and he rejects you and cuts off the friendship, or he could be sneaky and ask to start seeing you behind his girlfriend's back (don't do this please), or he could admit his attraction and break it off with his girlfriend to get together with you. And while you don't know what he might choose, and that makes you feel powerless in the situation, you are actually the one with the power here. You are freeing yourself from the crush and a friendship that isn't serving you, no matter what he chooses. You want him as a boyfriend, not a friend. If he chooses to let you go, he's done you a favor. He's allowed you to grieve and move on to someone who will love you.

It's important to remember that in the long run, it's better to make a choice than to keep staying the course, flirting and getting hurt when he goes home to his girlfriend. If you really want to try a relationship together, you must both leave the friendship behind.

If the friendship is strong, it will resume in time. But first, you need to acknowledge your feelings and heal your heart. The problem isn't that he has a girlfriend, it's that neither of you are being honest with each other.

It's the age-old question: can men and women be friends without any sexual urges or entanglements? This has been a subject of contention over the years, depicted in many movies from When Harry Met Sally to Friends with Benefits.

A new study has shed some light on the subject, affirming that it is difficult for men and women to be friends without any romantic feelings. At least, it's more difficult for men.

Online social dating site Canoodle.com surveyed 1,500 singles to find out where they stood, and while only 27% of women admitted to harboring feelings for a male friend, a whopping 56% of men said they'd want to be more than friends with their female buds!

For those of you wondering whether or not you should make the move and confess your feelings, the odds are in your favor. Sixty percent of men surveyed said they'd successfully turned their friendships into romantic relationships, and women came in with a 44% success rate.

However, if you have sex and then regret it, you may have some problems. Only 38% of women said it's possible to have sex and then go back to being friends. Fortunately, men don't feel the same way. A majority 52% of men said they'd be totally cool with being friends again after sex.

While this study does shed some light on the subject, it is a difficult situation. Most people are afraid to jeopardize a friendship, especially if they have a long history together, or have seen each other through other relationships that didn't last. Would it be better to throw caution to the wind and confess your feelings to your friend? What if he didn't feel the same? Or if he did, what if your relationship didn't work out in the long run?

These are all risks that we take in life. If you have strong feelings for someone, you owe it to yourself (and to your friendship) to address them, because chances are the other person is already aware. It's hard to hide romantic attraction, no matter how discreet you think you're being. It's better to be honest and move forward from there.

If you confess and your friend isn't interested, don't despair. If she's a good, true friend, you will likely stay friends even if you take a little time apart to move past it.

And if you confess and your friend is totally into you too? Even better, don't you think?

I will always be one of the first to insist that men and women can just be friends. I have great friendships with women. I have great friendships with men. And I don't see a difference...friends are just friends, right? If you get along with someone gender doesn't matter, does it?

A new study called "Benefit or burden? Attraction in cross-sex friendship" has examined the controversial issue of male-female friendships, and found that the answer is no...and yes. Inconclusive? Yup. Interesting anyway? Definitely. Here's how it worked and what they found...

Interested in examining how heterosexual, opposite-sex friends tackled the issue of sexual attraction in their friendships, a group of researchers asked 88 pairs of opposite-sex, college-age friends to fill out questionnaires about their friendships. Participants answered questions about their friendships - including questions about their levels of attraction to each other - separately. To ensure honesty, all responses were kept confidential, even after the conclusion of the study.

The results showed that men tend to be more attracted to their female friends than female friends are attracted to their male friends. Overestimating women's interest is common amongst men, says April Bleske-Rechek, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin who worked on the study. "Men over-infer women's sexual interest in a variety of contexts," she explains, "and I definitely see that extending into the domain of cross-sex friendships as well."

Men and women were equally likely to report finding their opposite-sex friends attractive even when they were already romantically involved with someone else, but more men said they'd like to go on a date with their female friends. Fewer women said they would be interested in dating male friends, preferring to keep their relationships platonic.

The research team then expanded their investigation to a second study, which asked 107 young adults ages 18 to 23 and 322 adults between the ages of 27 and 55 to list reasons why cross-sex friendships are both beneficial and burdensome. They were overwhelmingly voted beneficial, though adults reported having fewer opposite-sex friends than the younger group.

What's most interesting about the pros and cons list is that "attraction" almost always fell on the "burden" side of the cost-benefit analysis. Men were less likely to call attraction a burden than women, but both men and women were unlikely to see it as a positive aspect of an opposite-sex friendship.

So does that mean men and women can't be friends after all? Of course not. But it may be wise to be clear and upfront about exactly what your intentions for a new relationship are. If you want to be romantically involved, set the foundation for that right away. Don't build a close, platonic friendship first in hopes that it will one day turn into something more.